Review – Sherlock Holmes in Terror by Night

The title implies that something terrifying happens during the course of the production, when in truth barely anything happens at all. Holmes and Watson are set to the task of guarding the famous Star of Rhodesia diamond on a rail journey from London to Scotland. The resulting murder, theft and assorted misdemeanors all take place inside a train car or two. Though I’m sure this saved money on sets, it tended to limit the plot a bit. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes in Pursuit to Algiers

After outings battling Nazi plots to take over the world, Holmes seems only moderately challenged by this garden-variety series of assassination attempts. Our heroes serve as bodyguards for minor royalty on a boat voyage from England to Algiers. The would-be killers are inept, and the drama is occasionally interrupted by musical interludes. The result isn’t exactly one of the world-s greatest detective’s finest moments. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes in Dressed to Kill

This is the last of the Universal Holmes and Watson pictures starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce. Apparently Rathbone was so sick of the role that he refused to do it anymore after this. If the scripts he was getting weren’t any better than this one, I for one don’t blame him. The crime here is one of the most elaborate the genius of Baker Street ever faced: a convict knows the location of currency printing plates stolen from the Bank of England, and he’s somehow managed to encode the location into the tunes played by three music boxes. But before his partners in crime can pick them up at auction, the boxes are bought by other bidders. And so the chase is afoot, with Holmes trying to unravel the riddle and track down the boxes before the vicious criminals can get their hands on them. However clever the scheme might have been, unfortunately it doesn’t make for a particularly interesting story. Too bad one of the best series in mystery movie history ended on such a mediocre note. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes and the Scarlet Claw

Though this is basically The Hound of the Baskervilles relocated to Canada, it’s still a fun Holmes adventure. While in the Great White North for a discussion about the supernatural, our heroes find themselves caught up in a mystery surrounding a murderous moor monster. In one particularly eerie scene, Holmes is pursued across the bog by a “specter” wearing luminous clothing, a strange use of special effects for this otherwise fairly low budget series. The final turn of the screw turns out to be a bit lame, but otherwise this is one of the better entries in the set. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes and the Pearl of Death

Here’s an interesting twist: Holmes under public pressure to remedy his own blunder (or at least apparent blunder). A thief make off with the priceless Borgia Pearl during Holmes’s demonstration of the ineffectiveness of the security system designed to protect it. Fleeing hot pursuit, the thief conceals the pearl in the wet plaster of a bust of Napoleon, one of a set of six in a workshop. So our heroes end up in a race not only to recover the pearl but also to stop the bad guys from murdering the people who bought the busts. One of the highlights of the picture is The Creeper, a sinister killer played by Rondo Hatton. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes and the House of Fear

After a string of “original” plots, this Holmes flick is actually based on a story by Arthur Conan Doyle. A group of gentlemen pool their life insurance into sort of a tontine. So really it should have come as a surprise to none of them when they start to die one by one, each murder heralded by an envelope of orange seeds. The final twist has a somewhat illogical Murder on the Orient Express flavor, but otherwise it’s a decent outing. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes in Washington

In my review of Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Terror I griped about Holmes and World War Two propaganda being an uneasy mix. Here the famous detective once again finds himself transported to contemporary times and pitted against Nazi spies. But at least this time around he actually gets to use his wits to solve the crime and save the day. Fearing attack by enemy agents, a British document courier sneaks a microfilm-laden matchbook into the purse of an unsuspecting woman. So we get not only some solid sleuthing by our hero but also some fun sequences in which people pass the matchbook back and forth unaware of its importance. If given a preference, I like Holmes better in his original Victorian surroundings. But if he has to be sucked into the 20th century and pitted against the Axis, at least this picture sports a plot that’s more his traditional style. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes Faces Death

And the audience faces boredom. It’s a relief to see Holmes solving a creaky old English crime (though still in the 1940s) rather than directly aiding the war effort. The location – a manor house being used as a convalescent home for shell-shocked officers – presents the opportunity for some added weirdness. But for the most part the production is a generic Holmes story, not noteworthy in either a good or a bad way. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Terror

I like Sherlock Holmes movies (especially the ones starring Basil Rathbone). I like spy movies from World War Two. But there’s something about the combination that doesn’t work. Maybe it’s the simple-minded nature of propaganda. The “doing it for king and country” spirit that unites government bureaucrats, super sleuths and the hoi polloi alike may be inspirational. But when Holmes relies on patriotism and garden-variety spying to crack the case it tends to distract from his usual clever use of clues. Still, it’s always nice to see the cartoonish Nazis get theirs in the end. Mildly amusing

Review – Sherlock Holmes and the Spider Woman

At least this one includes a few nods to actual Arthur Conan Doyle stories. Plus even though it’s still during the war, the propaganda is considerably toned down. Indeed, the only strong intrusion is when the dastardly villainess ties Holmes up behind a Hitler target in a carnival shooting gallery. Our heroes are hot on the trail of a woman who puts deadly spiders in her victims’ beds in order to cash in on their life insurance. Mildly amusing

Review – A Study in Terror

This odd little British indie has it all: Sherlock Holmes, Jack the Ripper and a young Judi Dench. Though this isn’t quite as good as a later Holmes vs. Saucy Jack outing – Murder by Decree – it’s still a fair amount of fun. The world’s most famous consulting detective prowls the streets of Whitechapel, wading through no end of lowlifes, missionaries, police surgeons and the like in search of the notorious killer. Mildly amusing

Review – The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (1939)

After The Hound of the Baskervilles turned out to be a success, 20th Century Fox pushed another Rathbone/Bruce picture through production. Though this isn’t as good as the first one, it’s still reasonably entertaining. Indeed, my only big gripe about this is that it establishes the practice of making Holmes stories that aren’t based on Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories. Fortunately it isn’t a bad plot. Holmes concerns himself with the protection of a young lady targeted for murder, apparently neglecting to guard a valuable gem from being stolen en route to the Tower of London. Mildly amusing

Review – The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939)

I don’t know enough about mystery movies to be able to generate an “Our eight favorite” list of them, but if I did this one would certainly be on it. Not only is it my favorite Sherlock Holmes story (with the possible exception of “The Speckled Band,” which as far as I know has never been made into a movie), but it’s also the first pairing of the classic Holmes/Watson duo of Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce. This one has everything: the dismal moor, the creaky manor, the cast of suspicious characters, the deadly family curse, and of course Rathbone and Bruce. Quintessential stuff. Worth seeing

Review – Public Enemies

Oh Michael Mann, why do you make movies like this? The studio spent a ton of money on big stars, particularly Johnny Depp as John Dillinger and Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis. Then they spent even more on the other trappings of big-budget Hollywood production, especially cinematography. But then the story turns out to be little more than a relentless parade of gunfights punctuated only occasionally by plot or dialogue. With this kind of picture in mind, they could have cast Lara Croft and Duke Nukem in the leads and saved a pile of cash. See if desperate

Review – Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster

And so it arrives, the most fearsome of Godzilla’s gallery of foes. I’d have a little easier time getting behind Ghidorah if he had arms, but even as-is he’s still impressive. It takes an all-star monster match-up of Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan to run him off, at least until next time. Though the monster battles are their usual model-smashing wonderful, it takes awhile to get them going. Particularly weird was the negotiation between the Mothra caterpillar (persuaded by his fairy friends to help save humanity) and his two potential compatriots. They monster-language at each other for what seems like forever. It made me wonder if maybe Rodan was willing to settle for a decent profit-sharing scheme while Godzilla was holding out for better health care options. Otherwise this is an average giant monster outing. Mildly amusing

Review – G-Force

It’s the godforsaken Chipmunks as secret agents. Except they’re guinea pigs, which makes them marginally cuter, and they have normal human voices rather than squeaking their lines like helium addicts. I rented it thinking perhaps it might be cute or clever, perhaps something along the lines of The Rescuers. Nope. Stupid, vulgar, preachy and so on, suitable only for exceptionally worldly children or exceptionally childish adults. See if desperate

Review – Julie & Julia

This picture presents the parallel biographies of Julia Child (Meryl Streep) and a blogger (Amy Adams) who decides to cook every dish in Child’s groundbreaking French cuisine cookbook within the course of a single year. The Child segments are entertaining, but I can’t help but feel that Streep’s portrayal of the woman as a happy-go-lucky dingbat with occasional recourse to the same sort of mugging employed by Joan Cusack in Addams Family Values sells the subject short. The blog stuff comes across as a blend of clever idea, What-Would-Julia-Do obsession, and get-me-out-of-my-cube-job gimmick, so it’s likewise entertaining but not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – State of Play

I’d hoped for more journalism nerd stuff. Or more espionage intrigue. Or more anything, really. Instead this is an expensive mess that appears to put most of its money on Russell Crowe’s weight gain to establish gravitas. He plays a jaded reporter paired up with a “new journalism” cub on the trail of a double shooting, a mysterious “accident” and a Congressional sex scandal, all of which turn out to be connected. The plot is galling in that “it’s all a big corporate conspiracy” is all the explanation the filmmakers seem to think we need. Still, the prize for worst element has to go to Ben Afleck as the wayward Congressman. During a hearing he breaks into a broad reheat of his Keith Olbermann impression that’s nothing short of embarrassing. Mildly amusing

Review – Extract

After Office Space and Idiocracy, I was looking forward to the latest from Mike Judge. Thus this dumb little farce was a real disappointment. Jason Bateman heads a cast of sitcom veterans in a comedy of errors that plays like the worst parts of Office Space – the dull relationship stuff – blown up into a movie. I guess maybe it’s got a good joke or two, but for the most part it’s just awful. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Koyaanisqatsi

For the 3000th staff review on the site I chose this old friend from the mid 80s. On the surface this looks like an extended Phillip Glass minimalist music video. But give it a chance, because it rewards careful attention. The folks who put this together make a profound point about our “out of balance” lives without preaching – in fact, without using any words at all. Beautiful clouds flowing over the Grand Canyon in time lapse stand in sharp contrast to cityscapes filled with frantic, even silly-looking motion. Few productions are designed to encourage actual thought; indeed, most Hollywood offerings are designed to have the opposite effect. So this is a rare treat. Buy the disc

Review – Why We Fight

During the Second World War the War Department employed famed Hollywood director Frank Capra to produce a series of short movies that would help explain to our troops in the field just exactly why they were doing what they were doing. Because they are similar in tone, style and intent (and because none of them alone is long enough for a separate review), I’m covering them as a single movie. However, I’m taking the unusual step of covering them in separate paragraphs because each installment deserves individual attention.

Prelude to War – And so it begins. This installment lays down the basics for the rest of the series in terms of historical background as well as visual and narrative style.

The Nazis Strike – Drat those pesky Nazis! This installment documents Hitler’s treachery as his troops swallow Czechoslovakia and then march on Poland. The story meanders a bit here and there; for example, we get the swallowing-the-Czechs animation several times. Still, the troops needed a good working knowledge of the kind of war the Germans were waging.

Divide and Conquer – This one actually gets a bit tedious in spots. To be sure, it’s full of good information. For example, I hadn’t remembered that there was much opposition to the side-stepping German invasion of France. It just tends to get bogged down in the detail.

The Battle of Britain – People raised to fear Communism must have struggled with the next episode in the series, but this is the one I struggled with. However, even the atrocities perpetrated by the British don’t excuse the horrors of the Blitz, here ably documented with some of the best footage of the series. It’s a little unnerving, however, to note just how much of the Nazis’ failure was due to their own incompetence rather than the might of the British opposition.

The Battle of Russia – Frank Capra singing the praises of Soviet Communism? War truly does make the strangest of bedfellows. This installment is longer than the rest of them, probably because the propaganda mill saw the obvious problems inherent in the allegiance between Russia and the United States. If young men raised on a steady diet of red-baiting in the 1930s were to be expected to go to war to help save Stalin, they were going to need some convincing. The resulting argument is meticulous, packed with detail, and even features some footage borrowed from Sergei Eisenstein.

The Battle of China – Up until now Capra has devoted little attention to the war in the Pacific. I expect he assumed – rightly, most likely – that Pearl Harbor alone (combined with some racism) would be more than enough to motivate American troops to fight the Japanese. But just to ice the cake a little, the War Department shares the horrors of the conquest of China and some inspiring stories of Chinese resistance.

War Comes to America – Wow, what a dud of a way to finish up an otherwise excellent series. Honestly, even back then did anyone buy this cornball sales pitch version of America’s self image? Capra’s effort to inspire the troops in the field should not have wrapped up with a parade of obvious, childish lies about multiculturalism and seemingly endless parades of boring statistics. The only part of this installment I really liked was the stock-footage-and-Disney-animation presentation about the German presence in South America.

Overall: worth seeing

My eight favorite Christmas movies

Obviously inherent in the notion of an “eight favorites” list is the requirement that the selections be at least somewhat subjective. I’m not trying to make grand pronouncements about the best movies of all time. I’m just picking some pictures that fit the mood I happen to be in for certain occasions.

While that principle applies throughout all these lists, it’s especially true at Christmastime. I can almost hear some of you out there shouting, “Hey, why isn’t It’s a Wonderful Life on the list?” And I’m sure we could go around and around about exactly which version of A Christmas Carol is superior to all the others. But that’s the whole point of holiday media fare. It isn’t about what’s good. It’s about what’s good for you, what evokes a cherished childhood memory, whatever rings your Christmas bells.

These are the eight movies that ring mine.

 

A Christmas Story – Like Halloween topping the Halloween list, this is a “well, duh” moment. It’s easily the most popular Christmas movie ever made, and not just because one of the Teds shows it all day every Christmas. Although Gene Sheppard’s childhood predated the formative years of most current audience members, his experiences span differences in time, place, even class. If I had to pick just one part that strongly evokes my own early years, it would have to be the tire-changing sequence. But it all rings true in a funny yet gentle and charming way.

Scrooge – A Christmas Carol had to make it on here somewhere, and the Alistair Sim version endures as my favorite. It could be that it’s just the one I remember most clearly from my childhood. But more than that, it offers the best overall package. All the important parts are there. Sim does a good job in the title role. And it isn’t burdened with a lot of silliness like being a musical or an animation starring Mickey Mouse and/or Mr. Magoo, nor is it set in the old West or outer space. The Dickens story is a classic, and this production doesn’t mess with that.

Scrooged – No sooner do I get done singing the praises of straight Dickens with no embroidery than I have to admit that I like this embroidered version. The tale’s been moved to contemporary New York, where “Scrooge” is a broadcast network executive. Bill Murray is normally something I could live without, but here his goofy, obnoxious approach sort of works. The romance between Murray and Karen Allen even comes out okay, which is nothing short of a Christmas miracle. Overall this does a solid job of walking the line between too SNL and too schmaltzy.

The Nightmare Before Christmas – One of the responses I got to the “8 favorite Halloween movies” list was that this picture should have been included. Personally, I think it’s a better fit here. It’s a blend of the two high points of the kid year, and for my money I think Christmas needs a little Halloween more than Halloween needs a little Christmas. So though it could easily go either way, around the 8sails household it screens in December rather than October.

White Christmas – The list had to include at least one of the classic Hollywood holiday moments, and this is the one I have the easiest time choking down. Sure, it gets bogged down in extraneous musical numbers. But it’s just so much fun to watch Danny Kaye prancing around Bing Crosby and getting in at least some of his usual act. Like Scrooged, it’s a nice blend of silly and sappy.

Miracle on 34th Street – Like A Christmas Carol, at least one version of this tale had to be here somewhere. Though the remakes may be more technically sophisticated, the Natalie Wood original is still likely to be the most familiar and comfortable for most folks. Certainly it is for me.

Gremlins – I’m wrapping the list up with a couple of somewhat odd choices. Aside from being set during the holidays, Gremlins isn’t really much of a Christmas picture. Or is it? Something cute, cuddly and apparently powerless vanquishes the most destructive evil the world has to offer. Then he’s gathered up and taken away by his “father” because the world isn’t ready for him yet. That’s actually closer to the true meaning of Christmas than most traditional holiday pictures. Plus it’s a fun movie to watch.

Elf – This actually sort of makes it “seven and two-thirds” rather than an even eight. Will Ferrell’s unique brand of obnoxious humor usually sets my teeth on edge, but when it’s brought to bear against yuletide sappiness, it kinda works for me. So as long as we’re getting jokes about Buddy the “Elf” trying to make it in the big city, this is an amusing picture. However, toward the end it descends into the very sappiness that it lampoons so well. Eject the movie before it turns to treacle (sometime around the scene where Ferrell jumps into the Christmas tree), and it’s a good way to finish up the holiday movie parade.

Review – Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

The first five minutes of this picture showed promise. Clearly it wasn’t going to break a lot of new ground, but at least the gore initially seemed like it would be entertaining. Nope. In short order it descended into the same offensive, anti-rural, anti-birth-defect-victim slop that made up the first one. This time the rustics from hell are after the cast and crew of a reality show taping in the wrong woods. Henry Rollins plays our heroes’ best chance of beating the butcherly hellbillies, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the production. See if desperate

Review – Harold and Maude

This is one of those rarest-of-rare movies, a picture that manages to strike an effective balance between elements. By herself the nearly-octogenarian free spirit (Ruth Gordon) would be too precious, and by himself the pale young man (Bud Cort) who stages fake suicides would be too mopey. But together they turn out clever and quirky. Sure, it’s a little cutesy in parts, and I don’t find the whole car-stealing thing as funny as I used to. But for the most part the humor is excellent, the script and acting top notch. Even the Cat Stevens soundtrack is good. The result is hard to describe. It isn’t especially “inspirational” or “thought-provoking.” However, for something with such a sad ending it certainly leaves a warm feeling in its wake. Worth seeing

Review – King of Kings

This movie started bugging me before the overture even started. I’ve never been a big fan of calling Jesus “the king of kings.” To a citizen of a country that disposed of kings more than 200 years ago, this is a title no more exalted than referring to the Son of God as “the McDonald’s manager of McDonald’s managers.” Nor do things improve much after the opening credits roll. Jeffrey Hunter is uninspiring in the lead, not that he’s given a lot of good material to work with. As with The Greatest Story Ever Told, this picture sustains a lot of its epic running time by incorporating plot elements that don’t have anything directly to do with Christ or his teachings (such as the perpetually built-in-for-the-sex story of Herod and Salome). Indeed, this one strays even farther afield with speculation that could be called “extra-biblical” (and even then only if one is being charitable), such as the notion that Judas was motivated by a noble if misguided desire to force Jesus to use his magic powers to overthrow the Roman occupation. The re-enactment of the Sermon on the Mount is inspirational, but that’s ten minutes out of three hours. All the time and effort required to watch this movie can be more effectively spent reading the original text. Mildly amusing

Review – Alice (2009)

The SyFy-fied reheat of The Wizard of Oz worked okay. Maybe we could do the same thing with Alice in Wonderland. Or on the other hand, maybe not. In the producers’ defense, they applied the same formula used for Tin Man: take a classic, relocate it to a sci fi fantasy environment, twist things around a bit, mix in some cheap special effects, and hope the audience will sit through two nights’ worth. Part of the reason this one fails is that the source story is already bizarre and confusing enough, so making it even stranger doesn’t help. They got more stars and semi-stars, but they aren’t put to good use. The result is a muddled mess rather than a clever riff. See if desperate

Review – The Return of Doctor X

Though the original is a minor genre classic, this picture is an early example of the practice of making sequels that have little in common with their predecessors. A mad scientist has figured out a way to keep his illness at bay and prolong his life thanks to an elixir refined from the blood of unwilling “donors.” The drama incorporates some then-current information about blood typing, which was interesting. It also features Humphrey Bogart as the villain, sporting a genuinely bizarre hairdo and paint job. But the lack of solid plot and character beyond that make this more of a historical curiosity than a worthwhile viewing experience. Mildly amusing

Review – Renaissance

This French animation includes some of the most interesting architecture I’ve ever seen in a sci fi movie. The futuristic reinvention of Paris is fascinating stuff. Too bad nothing else in the movie comes close to matching it. The harsh black and white graphics are particularly annoying, reinforcing a lesson ably taught by the video game XIII years ago: it’s possible to be innovative and stylish without being good. The plot and characters are also strictly comic book crime drama. Perhaps something was lost in the translation. Still, oh those backdrops. Mildly amusing

Review – It’s a Wonderful Life

Frank Capra and Christmas were made for each other. They both require an uncritical audience willing to accept a certain amount of maudlin sentimentality. But if you’re in the mood for either, this is one of the best examples of both. Jimmy Stewart is likewise at his best as George Bailey, backed by an excellent supporting cast. Unlike other Capra efforts such as Mr. Deeds and Mr. Smith, this one isn’t about a rube triumphing over slick city folk. Instead it’s about the importance of simple goodness and how the world would miss it if it wasn’t there anymore. Under normal circumstances I’m far too cynical to fall victim to grade-A Capra corn like this, but around the holidays I sometimes find myself more receptive to the notion that there might be some hope for the human race after all. Worth seeing

Review – The Last Sect

Around the only entertainment to be found in productions like this is the challenge of trying to figure out if they’re rotten soft-core porn flicks with the porn cut out for cablecast on Chiller or if they’re just plain rotten without ever sporting nudity to begin with. Given the length of the ad breaks, I’m betting this particular effort got trimmed down a bit. Fortunately it doesn’t affect the final rating at all. Crap is crap whether or not it includes boob shots. The plot here is some mish-mash about an Internet dating service staffed by female vampires who lure guys in and then suck them dry on live webcam. A female journalist tries to uncover the dark secrets of the operation, but she ends up seduced by the chief vampire. If you need lipstick lesbian vampires, go rent The Hunger. The technical quality is much higher, plus you get a plot and characters on top of the cheap sex. See if desperate

Review – Val Lewton: The Man in the Shadows

Martin Scorcese “presents” and narrates this documentary about the legendary B movie producer. I enjoy Lewton’s work, so I was fascinated by some of the behind-the-scenes stuff about how his pictures were made. Sure, it features a little armchair psychiatrist speculation about plot elements in the movies mirroring aspects of the producer’s personality. But for the most part it sticks to the facts. I also appreciated the focus on the guy’s professional career and the omission of the personal life gossip that often infects Hollywood biographies. Overall I was impressed by the picture and even startled by some of the information presented. For example, I didn’t realize that Lewton was only 46 when he died. What a tragic loss. Worth seeing

Review – Elmer Gantry

Given the reputation of Sinclair Lewis’s famous tale – particularly how frequently it was cited during the Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart sex scandals – I was expecting something far harsher than this. To be sure, Burt Lancaster plays the title character as what he is: a con man, a hypocrite and a scoundrel exploiting the simple religious faith of country folk to turn a quick buck. But there’s a basic goodness to the character as well – not to mention a moral redemption in the end – that has no match in the Gantries of the airwaves. Overall it’s a little over-long, but it’s still much more multi-dimensional – and thus much better – than I thought it was going to be. Mildly amusing

Review – The Detonator

The Romanian crime boss in this movie spouts one of the strangest aphorisms I’ve ever heard: “If you deal with the devil, you’re going to get shit on your shoes.” For some reason that got me to thinking about a Quikie-Mart managed by Satan. You go in, get your jumbo Squishee and a Slim Jim, but before the Beastmaster gives you your change, he comes out from behind the counter and drops a satanic turd on your new Nikes. Actually, that might have made for a better – or at the very least shorter – motion picture. What we get instead is a dreadful excuse for an action movie about a rogue agent trying to protect the widow of a mob accountant from predicable plots to silence her. They got Wesley Snipes for the lead (no doubt at least in part because his tax troubles left him in need of cash), but that does little to overcome the usual level of quality one expects from movies whose credits feature a lot of names that end in “escu.” When it comes to film-making, Romania is the Kansas of Europe. See if desperate

Review – The Ape

Boris Karloff is sort of a mad scientist Boo Radley in this odd picture from 1940. The townspeople distrust him, and local kids throw rocks at his house. But he’s actually trying to help a wheelchair-bound woman by working on a serum to cure her paralysis. Unfortunately, his experiments require “donations” from the locals, which he obtains by masquerading as an escaped circus gorilla. Not exactly Karloff’s finest moment. See if desperate

Review – Bedlam

Val Lewton’s presence in the producer’s chair helps make this low-budget Boris Karloff picture into something that’s actually worth a look. An actress runs afoul of the head of the Bedlam insane asylum by suggesting reforms in the patients’ treatment, so he convinces her benefactor to have her committed. Some of the scenes of patient abuse inside the asylum are downright creepy, all done with the same eerie lighting and imply-rather-than-show technique employed to such good effect in Cat People. It’s a corny as any other movie made in the 1940s, but it’s chilling and thought-provoking at the same time. Worth seeing

Review – You’ll Find Out

Despite the presence of Peter Lorre, Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff in the credits, this is really nothing but a goofy Kay Kyser musical. Sure, there’s some fun stuff in here about an old haunted mansion, and Lugosi actually gets to do a spooky routine or two. But otherwise it’s pure corn. Mildly amusing

Review – Before I Hang

Once again the folks in front of and behind the camera for The Man They Could Not Hang and The Man with Nine Lives team up to spin a gripping yarn about a mad scientist who cheats death. This time around the fresh twist is that the good doctor (Boris Karloff) injects himself with a serum made in part from the blood of a brutal killer. So now every time he becomes upset he’s overcome with the desire to strangle whomever is in the room with him. If you like movies in this vein, this is a fine example. Otherwise it’s a bit dull. Mildly amusing

Review – They Came From Beyond Space

So the Moon is “beyond space”? Because that’s where they came from. Actually, they were originally from another galaxy, but that wouldn’t be “beyond space” either. Normally I wouldn’t nit-pick the title of a silly Freddie Francis flick, but this one bugs me for a couple of reasons. First, the picture is based on a novel called The Gods Hate Kansas, which would have been a much more interesting name (despite the fact that the whole movie is set in rural England). And second, the title implies something Lovecraftian, which this certainly isn’t. Instead, it’s a disappointingly run-of-the-mill sci fi tale of aliens landing on Earth, possessing the bodies of scientists, and giving everyone else the plague in furtherance of their scheme to build a spacecraft that will allow them to return to their home world. At the beginning it seemed like it might have a chance, particularly with Francis at the helm. But by the time characters are putting colanders on their heads in order to keep the aliens out, well, it isn’t funny enough to work as a comedy and it’s too goofy to work as anything else. Mildly amusing

Review – The Black Room

Boris Karloff plays twins in this clever thriller from 1935. The older (by a minute or two) brother inherits the family barony, but he turns out to be a killer, a rapist and a general, all-around jerk. Years earlier his younger brother fled in order to avoid a family curse that says he’ll kill his sibling by throwing him into a pit in a chamber in the family castle called the Black Room. But after younger sib is lured back, older sib appears to break the curse by murdering first. It’s a scheme with potential: win back the support of his rebellious people by pretending to be his kindly younger brother. Unfortunately he just can’t seem to give up his jackass ways, and he swiftly ends up right back in trouble again. This picture hits Karloff right at the perfect point in his career. The production doesn’t suffer from too many of the technical weaknesses of the early talkies, and he isn’t playing the mad scientist role into which he got typecast later in his career. Though nobody is likely to walk away from this thinking, “wow, what a brilliant movie,” it manages to be reasonably entertaining. Mildly amusing

Review – The Man with Nine Lives

This movie has a few interesting notions about freezing. First premise: it’s possible to freeze a human being and then bring her back to life. Second premise: this can be accomplished by packing the person in ice and turning some fans on her. Third premise: this cures cancer. It’s hard to say which of these premises is the most ridiculous, and that in turn makes it hard to accept this picture at face value. Once again Boris Karloff plays a mad scientist revived from the dead – or at least the deep freeze – to continue his experiments. If only they’d just let the guy work, maybe he wouldn’t go mad and start doing all kinds of creepy tests on unwilling victims. Mildly amusing

Review – The Man They Could Not Hang

Well, technically they did hang him. He just didn’t stay dead. A scientist (Boris Karloff) invents a device that will revive the freshly deceased, which will in theory allow surgeons to kill their patients, perform surgery without struggling with anesthesia, and then bring them back to life at the end. But his first human volunteer dies when the police interrupt the experiment before the good doctor can revive him. Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, our hero swears revenge on the judge, jury and prosecutor. Naturally this seems like an idle threat until the doctor’s assistant uses his device to bring him back to life. He picks off six jurors individually, but then he goes after the rest by luring them all to his booby-trapped house. The picture has its moments – such as the odd revival device, a series of bottles and tubes that doesn’t look like it would do all that much – but for the most part it’s a run-of-the-mill mad scientist revenge picture. Mildly amusing

Review – The Old Dark House (1932)

So we’ve known since at least 1932 that horror comedies don’t work? And yet nearly 80 years later people still keep making them. This thing combines the talents of Boris Karloff, Charles Laughton and James Whale, so if any horror comedy ever had a chance this should be it. And yet it sucks. A handful of twits seeking shelter from a storm end up stuck in the title location with a creepy family of “eccentrics.” The jokes aren’t funny and the scary stuff isn’t scary, not even by Golden Age of Hollywood standards. The nicest thing I have to say about this is that Whale and his technicians manage to employ a few good lighting techniques. See if desperate

Review – The Ghoul (1933)

This old thriller gets off to a great start. Boris Karloff plays a dying Egyptologist whose last wishes involve a lot of bizarre rituals including being buried clasping a priceless jewel in his hand. Greedy servants, acquaintances and heirs worm out of the woodwork to get their hands on the gem. Do I even have to tell you that when the old guy comes back from the dead with no amulet to get him past Anubis, he isn’t exactly in the best of moods? Unfortunately, the great set-up is followed by, well, nothing. The characters bicker. The plot meanders. They try to put together a whodunit, but it turns out to be more of a whocareswhodidit. What a waste of a good premise. Oh, and the production is also plagued by a host of shots so dark that it’s impossible to tell what’s going on. See if desperate

Review – The Cold

Let’s go in search of a good horror movie. Okay, start with the crappiest film stock available. Nah, you’re off to a cold start. Speaking of starts, let’s do the opening credits with names printed on cards. Getting colder. Next let’s use some lame premise about rich people tormenting stupid gold-diggers by offering a million dollar prize (which probably seemed like more money back in 1984 than it does now) to whomever can last the longest in a hotel full of evil practical jokes. Colder. For the cast, hire men whose only qualification is the ability to vaguely remember lines, and hire women who don’t even have to be that skilled as long as they’re willing to take their clothes off over and over again. Colder. Make-up effects that wouldn’t pass muster in a high school play. Colder still. An almost completely absent plot. Icy. If your idea of a scary haunted house is one of those buzzer-intensive ride-through trailers at cheap carnivals, then this is likely to be your idea of a good horror movie. See if desperate

Review – Meteor

In the 21st century, SyFy, USA and their cable compatriots have seen to it that movies about giant meteors threatening the earth are a dime a dozen. Back in 1979, however, they were more of a special event. To be sure, this bears the production quality marks that place it at the low end of the high-budget spectrum (though it fares quite well compared to many other American International pictures). They got Sean Connery to play the lead, and he’s backed up by a cast of recognizable if not exactly Hollywood A-list faces. The plot is pure foolishness, but it’s entertaining enough (at least nowhere near as stupid as Armageddon). Mildly amusing

Review – Space Master X-7

The trouble I had with this movie is that I kept getting distracted by irrelevant details. For example, a woman tries to beat a hasty retreat from the home of her mad scientist ex, and … hey, is that cab driver Moe Howard? Then it turns out she’s carrying some kind of deadly space fungus with her and attempting to elude authorities by … so okay, back in 1958 a person could show up at an airline counter five minutes before a plane takes off, pay cash for a ticket and not have to go through security or even show ID? Then on the plane a government agent tries to figure out which woman … wait a sec. Airplanes used to have passengers’ lounges in the back? And four-person crews in the cockpit? Wow. Authorities struggle to apprehend the Typhoid Mary of space fungus before she can inadvertently spread the crud throughout the world. Fortunately for all concerned it grows somewhat inconsistently, thriving in purses and luggage but completely failing to transmit between people. Though this is a typical low-budget monster fest from the 1950s, I ended up kinda liking it. Mildly amusing

Review – Shattered Glass

I don’t think I would have liked this as much as I did if I wasn’t such a journalism nerd. Certainly it has plenty of elements I typically dislike, particularly the use of a cast heavy in “indie darlings” such as Peter Saarsgard and Chloe Sevigny to add instant gravitas to an otherwise-uninspiring production. But as much as I might hate to admit it, I’m fascinated by the story of the fraud-filled career of Stephen Glass at The New Republic. To be sure, I wish they’d done more with the Glass character. I’m left wondering if he was a con artist, mentally ill, a desperate kid in a bad situation, or some combination of the three. I also wonder if an actor with more range than Hayden Christiansen might have gotten more out of the role. Production problems aside, this is an entertaining tale with an important moral about honesty and the news media. Mildly amusing

Review – Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S.

As a “latter day” Godzilla picture, this one isn’t too bad. I liked the blend of modern CGI and old-school monster suits and miniatures. The plot – Mothra and human-piloted Mechagodzilla vie to defend Japan’s capital from the monster himself – was neither excessively stupid nor needlessly intrusive. They even made a big point out of bringing back a member of the original Mothra cast (though the two fairy twins are different actresses who don’t really look much alike). I thought the ending was a bit of a bummer, but of course if we’ve learned anything from this series it’s that our favorites will always be back to fight again another day. Mildly amusing

Review – Phantom Force

Is it a video game? Nah, too much talking. Is it a comic book? Again, no. Not smart enough. Well, whatever it is, it certainly isn’t much of a movie. Richard Grieco gets taken out of his box and propped up in the lead of this predictable stinker about a team of post-24 ghostbusters out to retrieve a hell-mouth stone from a phantom submarine. Their task is complicated by the rock’s tendency to spit out demons that look like refugees from a Road Warrior fan convention. And even after the sub situation is resolved, the picture drags on for another 20 minutes. See if desperate

Review – Near Dark

I brought a handful of misconceptions into this movie. First, I thought it came out around ten years earlier than it did. Second, with all the cast members who were also in Terminator 2 and/or Aliens, I thought maybe this was a James Cameron production (but no, refreshingly enough it was directed by a woman, Kathryn Bigelow). I also came in with the assumption that as a vampire movie it would most likely stink. Sure, it had a strong flavor of The Lost Boys, which also came out in 1987. Character motivations were sometimes hazy, and the “vampire rules” seemed inconsistent, particularly in regard to how much sunlight they could or couldn’t tolerate. But the story stayed interesting throughout and occasionally even bordered on clever. I’m still not a big bloodsucker fan, but if one has to make a vampire movie then it might as well be something like this. Mildly amusing

Review – The President’s Analyst

Like a drunken co-worker at a Christmas party who’s nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is, this is just embarrassing to watch. James Coburn plays the title character, poking way over-broad fun at the psychiatric fads of the late 60s as well as the Cold War paranoia of the era. For some strange reason the fact that this guy knows the President’s secret neuroses makes the world’s intel agencies want him dead. Naturally he has a paranoia-intensive nervous breakdown. By midway through a mess of hippies get thrown into the mix, and things continue to go downhill from there. For every moderately clever moment – and in all fairness, there are a few – there are dozens of jokes that fall flat, generally because they’re so broadly farcical that they insult the intelligence of all but the dimmest members of the audience. And I thought In Like Flint was bad. See if desperate

Review – A Dandy in Aspic

Despite sporting one of the worst titles in Hollywood history, this actually turns out to be a decent spy picture. Laurence Harvey brings his Manchurian Candidate intensity to the role of a Soviet double agent spying on British intelligence. Angered over a trio of recent deaths in the field, the Brits assign our hero to assassinate the Russian they think is responsible, who turns out to be himself (though the guy they tell him to kill is actually just his contact). That should give you some idea of how convoluted things become. Personally, I like convoluted spy movies from the Cold War, so I got a kick out of this. Mildly amusing

Review – Circus of Horrors

Women with attractive bodies and scarred faces, beware! The former plastic surgeon who runs this circus will repair your face, making you as beautiful as Helen of Troy. But the price will be high. Apparently the good doctor has abandonment issues, because he arranges “accidents” for any woman who decides to bust her deal to perform in the circus in exchange for a repair job. This turns into one of those easy-to-swallow pictures in which the bad guys are so charming and the good guys are so annoying that the audience isn’t really being called upon to cheer for anyone. Rather we can just sit back and watch as the whole evil scheme unravels. Mildly amusing

Review – Mr. Deeds Goes to Town

Until I heard Robert Osborne’s commentary at the end of TCM’s presentation of this picture, I never knew Mr. Smith Goes to Washington was originally intended to be a sequel to this. Frankly, I prefer the second one, though this is entertaining enough. Gary Cooper plays a quirky poet from the sticks who suddenly comes into $20 million (which was a great deal of money back then). When he comes to New York City to claim his inheritance, his small-town ways prove to be quite a contrast to everyone else’s cynical, big city sophistication. The movie is infected with Frank Capra’s witless sentimentality and tin ear for dialogue. I have strongly mixed emotions about his world view. On the one hand, it’s nice to see the suave city folk bested by a rural simpleton. On the other hand, this perpetuates the myth that everyone who lives outside the five boroughs is a simpleton. And I must confess I don’t particularly care for Cooper. Despite all that, it packs enough amusing moments – particularly the sanity hearing scene at the end – to provide a reasonable amount of entertainment. Mildly amusing

Review – Beyond Sherwood Forest

Odd title, considering most of the movie takes place in exactly the place we’re supposed to be beyond. The rest of it is set in some kind of bizarre alternate world of darkness. This is the first time I think I’ve ever seen a movie that featured a were-dragon, so that part was at least novel. The rest, however, was the same blend of mindless revisionism – such as the legendary Robin / Little John stick fight this time taking place between Robin and Maid Marian – we’ve come to expect from the SyFy channel. Mildly amusing

Review – Five Girls

Actually the title was one of those awkward combinations of letters and numbers, something like “5ive Girls.” But that would have made it hard to alphabetize, so let’s stick with plain spelling here. The title characters are juvenile delinquents locked up in an abandoned Catholic school with a cruel headmistress and a priest (Ron Perlman) with a history of child molestation. Let the demonic possession commence. As specimens of this kind of movie go, I’ve seen worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Merlin’s Apprentice

Despite a couple of faces in the cast – particularly Sam Neill as Merlin and Miranda Richardson as the Lady of the Lake – this doesn’t have much to do with the previous miniseries. Indeed, the two plots are incompatible with each other. This time around the legendary wizard returns after a 50-year absence to discover Camelot in dire straits. The plot is not as well-crafted nor the characters as interesting as the first go-around. Still, if you want enough standard sword-and-sorcery to kill two or three hours, this will suffice. Mildly amusing

Review – Good Guys Wear Black

Ohmygod, Chuck Norris! Who told you that you could act? Whoever put that notion in your head is not your friend. You need to do way less gum flapping and way more ass beating. Seriously. The basic plot structure here is typical stuff about a special forces unit in Vietnam abandoned in the field as part of an evil scheme by crooked politicians. After the survivors return stateside and resume their normal lives (naturally Chuck is a macho race car driver), one of the bad guys seeks to cover up the whole mess by putting out a hit on everyone. The picture sports a handful of good action sequences, but it’s mostly yakkity yak. See if desperate

Review - Fairy Tale: A True Story

Well, true-ish, anyway. Back in the early days of photography, a couple of pre-teen English girls took a series of photos that appeared to show them posing with fairies. The pictures caused quite an uproar, particularly when experts could find no trickery in the negatives and Arthur Conan Doyle (Peter O’Toole) published them as authentic. A scene late in the picture shows an evil journalist discovering how the real photos were actually made, but he’s swiftly put to flight by the magical special effects of the fantasy movie world. Normally I would have expected to see Steven Spielberg’s name somewhere on such a production, though if his name was in the credits I missed it. Though the idea here is clearly to celebrate the beautiful simplicity of childhood’s beliefs, it left me wondering if there would be a sequel in which some guy from Nigeria really does transfer millions of dollars to people who respond to his email. Verdict: mildly amusing

Review – War Made Easy

Okay, so let me make sure I’ve got this straight. War is bad? Politicians tell lies in order to build support for war efforts? And the mainstream media are either actively complicit or passively supportive of lying politicians? Thanks for the info. I had no idea. In all fairness, this documentary is far too brief to include both a basic lesson in propaganda and any actual insight into the subject. I would have greatly preferred the latter, but if you need the former for some reason this is a reasonably good introduction to the topic. If nothing else, it includes some interesting footage. On the other hand, it’s a trifle dishonest. It implies that modern war propaganda began with the Vietnam War, which is questionable at best. It also makes its points using an excessive amount of footage from Fox News. That may be an example of propaganda at its worst, but it also isn’t a good example of the mainstream media. Mildly amusing

Review – 21

So there actually is something in the world more boring than poker. Actually, a blackjack-centered plot does have one advantage over poker parties like Casino Royale: though neither game can be reliably beaten, one can improve one’s odds at blackjack by counting cards. It’s more than most of us can do by ourselves, but a team of MIT math genius students might be able to pull it off. And so they did, as this based-on-a-true story attests. Of course it gets considerably Hollywooded along the way. Of all the card-playing movies I’ve ever seen – which isn’t many, because I generally avoid them – this is one of the better specimens. Mildly amusing

Review – I Shot Andy Warhol

Lily Taylor does a great job as Valerie Solanas, author of the SCUM Manifesto and perpetrator of the crime mentioned in the title. Appropriately enough, she comes across as a blend of anti-establishment, ultra-feminist revolutionary and crazy Warhol stalker. The story is interesting and the production well assembled. Mildly amusing

Review – Night Skies

Once again a solid premise is done in by incompetent movie-making. This picture starts out with a real UFO appearance that was seen by many people when it happened. The premise further extends to a small group of people stranded in a camper on a back road and besieged by the creatures UFO buffs call “Mister Grey.” Thus this could have turned into the horror movie that ET was originally going to be but of course didn’t become. Unfortunately, the production never takes advantage of its potential. Act one is nothing but bickering, mostly about the accident that left everyone stuck in the middle of nowhere. Act two is little besides screaming and running away. Act three shows a little more promise, with plenty of nasty alien probing action. But by then it’s too late to make much of a rebound. Mildly amusing

Review – Merlin

If we wait around long enough, eventually we’ll get at least one made-for-TV version of Arthurian legend told from the perspective of each character in the story. Still, at least a miniseries of the tale told by Merlin makes some sense. I admit I prefer the wizard old, wise and mysterious. But Sam Neill does an acceptable job in the title role. In many ways this is a reverse-angle version of The Mists of Avalon, with the dialectic once again male/female and pagan/Christian, only this time told from the victors’ point of view. It was weird to see Martin Short doing anything besides broad comedy, and Helena Bonham Carter was squandered as a dimwitted Morgan le Fay. Otherwise the production was entertaining in a non-challenging way. Mildly amusing

Review – Brotherhood of Death

It must have been really tough for black guys who served in Vietnam to return home and have to deal with open, brutal racism back home. Though this exploitation picture is by no means a serious consideration of the situation, it is nonetheless emotionally gratifying. Our three heroes avoid a Klan plot to lynch them by enlisting in the Army. In Vietnam they become experts in guerilla warfare. And when they get back to their small, Southern hometown, at first they try to avoid trouble. But after a couple of killings and a graphic rape scene (which cost the picture a rating point), they whip out the old combat training and go to work on the bed-sheet-wearing moron brigade. This isn’t exactly a contender for an Academy Award in screenwriting, acting, cinematography or editing. But it is nice to see the Ku Kluxers met with a response more direct and effective than the usual, liberal “can’t we all just get along” stuff. Mildly amusing

Christmas Carols I actually like

Last week I devoted The Lens to bashing the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day festivities. Despite genuinely excessive corporate sponsorship, the poor parade probably didn’t deserve it. And worse, last year right around this time I took a swing at Christmas carols. Though at least some of them actually did have it coming, it still wasn’t exactly in keeping with the spirit of the season.

With that in mind, I’d like to end this year on a more positive note. The following eight Christmas carols really work for me. They represent the holiday season the way I see it or at least the way I’d like to see it.

Adeste Fidelis (or really honestly anything in Latin) – Jewish people have Hebrew. Muslims have Arabic. But one of the big factors behind the successful spread of Christianity – not to mention a key element of both the Protestant Reformation and Vatican 2 – is the use of scripture and service rendered in the languages of the congregation in order to make God’s word easier to understand. It’s a decision long on logic but short on magic, as this song ably demonstrates. As I noted last year, this is a beautiful song when sung in the ancient language of the early church, even though in English it leaves something to be desired. And that goes for just about any Latin carol. Frankly, I’d rather listen to some old Gregorian chants than 90% of the seasonal music out there.

O Little Town of Bethlehem – Peace and quiet for Christmas? What a concept! In a world full of frantically ringing bells, pushy wassailers, desperate shopping and all the other manic trappings of Yuletide, this song is a refreshing reminder that the real spirit of the season is best understood in moments peaceful enough for the Divine to get a word in edgewise. It brings me mindful of the words of Psalm 46: “Be still and know that I am.”

Silent Night – First a disclaimer: this one features one of the all-time worst Christmas carol lyrics: “Holy Infant so tender and mild.” It makes Jesus sound like an ad for roast beef. That aside, this one reflects the same quiet majesty that can be found in “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” I also have nice childhood memories of this song. Further, if you’d like a little internationalism worked into your holiday, this is one of the few exceptions to the observation by the Kapelmeister in Amadeus that “German is too brutal for singing.”

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas – Okay, now let’s lighten up for a couple of songs. The gift-giving-and-receiving aspect of the holidays can’t go completely unacknowledged, but we can at least have a little fun with it. This one puts Santa’s largesse to its ultimate challenge. On the other hand, it would have been cool to get a hippo for Christmas.

Santa Baby – This one gives seasonal avarice a sarcastic sexuality. The sex-for-Xmas-presents offer is so dramatically inappropriate that it’s almost enough to remind us that such exchanges – though a key component of our economy – aren’t really any better on the other 364 days of the year. Plus it’s a nice, disrespectful remedy to the selfishness and treacle of some other Santa songs (especially the one that made last year’s “naughty” list).

In the Bleak Midwinter – I suppose technically this isn’t a Christmas carol, because the middle of winter wouldn’t be for a month and a half after Christmas. But in the middle of February everyone’s going to be sick of seasonal cheer, hung over from Valentine’s Day, and generally not in a festive mood. So let’s go ahead and celebrate it now. Plus it’s genuinely seasonal if “midwinter” means the solstice rather than the center of the season. I like this one for many of the same reasons I prefer my all-time favorite carol, which is coming up next.

The Holly and the Ivy – Anyone who knows anything about the history of Christmas knows that it isn’t a purely Christian holiday. Even the date itself is a compromise between the church’s desire to celebrate the birth of Jesus and the older, nature-based beliefs of pre-Christian faiths. I enjoy songs that can interweave the two spirits of the season, acknowledging the importance of both the nativity and respect for nature. And I think this one does the best job of achieving a balance between a manger in Bethlehem and the snow-filled woods of Northern Europe.

Halleluiah Chorus – This final entry is the only song on the list that has to be a specific recording. Performances of Handel’s most famous work tend to be exactly what the composer had in mind: loud, grandiose, dramatic to the verge of histrionics, exactly the sort of thing for which audiences would be expected to stand up. I never cared much for it when it was sung according to the score. But then years ago I saw the Roches sing it on Saturday Night Live. Just three women, completely a cappella, beautifully harmonized. It was a poignant reminder that Christianity – at least as described in the Gospels – doesn’t depend on giant cathedrals full of gilded ornamentation, marble statues and stained glass. It’s a faith of street corners and soup kitchens, of living rooms and open fields, of Whos gathered in the town square to sing even after the Grinch steals all their presents, of joyful tidings that shall be unto all people.

Plus the Roches also do a terrific version of “Frosty the Snowman,” probably the only time the song has ever ended with a line or two from “Easter Parade.”

Review – Howling 3: The Marsupials

Is there anything at all I really need to write about this picture? I mean, if the title alone isn’t enough to make you flee in terror, what could I possibly say that would talk you out of seeing it? Well, let me give it a try anyway. This is one of the most disorganized messes I’ve ever seen. The filmmakers don’t possess the talent, skill or experience to tell one story, and yet they’re apparently trying to weave two together. One – a Russian ballerina who must from time to time turn into a wolf-creature – could have worked out okay. But the other is about a young woman who escapes from a cult in the Australian Outback and somehow ends up acting in a low-budget horror movie. Unfortunately she has a shape-shifting problem of her own: she tends to turn into a Tasmanian wolf, an extinct creature that was once the world’s only carnivorous marsupial. Before the final reel runs out, we get “treated” to a fuzzy heroine with a pouch, stripey were-marsupials, rubber baby were-marsupials, happy hippie were-marsupial communes, and so on and so forth. See, the title really does tell you everything you need to know. Wish I’d skipped it

Review - The Fantastic Mr. Fox

What a treat it was to go out to a movie and have it not suck for a change. I was particularly taken with the animation. Sure, it’s choppy throughout and awkward in spots. But it’s funny how even as stiff as it can be, it still has a thousand times more warmth and personality than the most elaborate, expensive, dead-eyed computer version of reality. Sadly, somewhere around act three the plot loses focus. They’ve done a wonderful job with the modern update of the battle between psychotic farmers, a clever fox and his woodland pals. But they run out of clever plot twists after awhile, and they start adding new elements that prolong the running time more than advancing the story or developing the characters. Still, the whole thing is so endearing that it’s easy to forgive a few minor miscues. Worth seeing

Review – Arabian Nights (2000)

As cheap miniseries versions of classic stories go, this one actually isn’t too bad. It includes the bracket, the tales everyone expects (Ali Baba and Aladdin) and three or four of the lesser-known entries. And though nobody in the cast is especially famous, some of the faces are at least recognizable. The effects are mediocre (especially the flying carpet that seems to be more of a hovering carpet), but they’re adequate to the task. The only thing that displeased me about this actually had nothing to do with the movie itself. The SyFy channel seriously needs to make sure that when it’s showing a miniseries that it shows both halves. I actually had to get the disc from Netflix just so I could find out how it ended. Grrr. Mildly amusing

Review – Beowulf (1999)

First the Abrams Star Trek and now this thing. This just isn’t my week for “retrofits” of classic tales. This one drags everyone’s favorite Geat kicking and screaming into a nebulous, Beyond Thunderdome-y future or alternative reality in which humanity doesn’t have cars or firearms but still possesses loudspeakers and crimping irons. A platinum blonde Christopher Lambert plays the hero, doing battle first with a sometimes-invisible, Alien-looking monster and then its boobs-blurred-out-for-SyFy mother. This was almost enough to make me want the Neil Gaiman version back. Almost. See if desperate

Review – Doctor Faustus

I think if this was actually a stage production of Christopher Marlowe’s version of this tale, it wouldn’t be so bad. But it isn’t a live performance. It’s a movie. And as a movie it sucks. Marlowe isn’t Shakespeare, as the deadly dullness of this should-be-entertaining tale attests. And though Richard Burton and a largely silent Elizabeth Taylor head the cast, most everyone else appears to be a stage actor. Watching the dreary doctor get dragged off to Hell in the end has some minor entertainment value, if only because it meant the movie was finally drawing to a conclusion. The rest of the picture is strange and poorly-assembled. See if desperate

Review – Jake’s Closet

Poor little six-year-old Jake. His parents are going through a messy divorce. His only friend is a jerk. And now he’s got a zombie living in his closet. This picture starts out as part of a trend I’d like to encourage: movies that don’t have huge budgets but nonetheless manage to have decent production values, acceptable scripts and (except in the case of the child star here) good acting. Despite starting out on my good side, however, this ended up going downhill. The custodial mom is portrayed as a scheming nincompoop who – egged on by a vicious fellow-divorcee – starts dating an asshole and doing mean things to get back at her soon-to-be-ex. The portrayal of the woman is so cartoonish that it made me wonder if someone behind the scenes (writer? director?) was suffering some lingering bitterness about an ugly breakup. Then the picture loses a rating point when our youthful hero starts stealing neighborhood cats and cramming them into the basement for the zombie to eat. The ending is also a disappointment, or at least it would have been if “disappointment” didn’t connote “surprise,” which this certainly wasn’t. See if desperate

Review – The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

This is one of the all-time best cinematic explorations of greed gone bad. Humphrey Bogart, Walter Huston and Tim Holt play three guys who journey into the Mexican wilderness in search of gold. The men are more archetypes than actual characters: the sassy old prospector who knows everything about the business (Huston), the average Joe who just wants to make enough money to go back to the States and start a peach orchard (Holt), and the paranoid rat who’s going to mess everything up for everyone (Bogart). I’m sure if they remade this it would be dreadful, but somehow this turns out to be a wonderful combination of acting, script and technical quality. The “we don’t need no steenkin’ badges” thing is also one of the most famous misquoted lines in movie history. Worth seeing

Review – Passengers

Never heard of this movie? Before spotting it on Netflix Instant View, I hadn’t either. At first that seemed odd. It had reasonably good production values. It had several recognizable faces, particularly Anne Hathaway in the lead. It’s a mildly entertaining tale about a psychologist trying to help victims of an airplane crash work through trauma while unraveling a mysterious cover-up surrounding the cause of the accident. Sure, the relationship between our hero and one of her patients comes across as creepy, but that’s a fairly standard, Hollywood-style confusion between “romance” and “stalking.” Unfortunately, the whole show is done in by the ending. I don’t want to blow it for anyone who might want to try watching this, so suffice it to say that “everyone on board turns out to be Hitler” would have been an only slightly less disappointing way to wrap things up. See if desperate

Review – Bedazzled (1967)

Though Peter Cook and Dudley Moore are cleverer than Kevin Smith, this still comes across as an our-parents’-generation version of Dogma. Moore plays a down-on-his-luck schmuck mooning over a woman he doesn’t have the guts to approach about a date. Enter Cook as a smart-alecky devil tempting our hero with seven wishes in exchange for his soul. Of course all of them go awry as deals with the devil tend to. Along the way, however, we get a lot of stand-up-comedy-style musing about theology. Some of it borders on witty, but a lot of it is just precocious and silly. Mildly amusing

Review – The Giant Spider Invasion

The picture opens with someone entering the office of the sheriff, played by Alan “The Skipper” Hale Jr. “Hey little buddy,” he says. That’s the level of entertainment you can expect from this picture. A meteor crashes in a field, and soon BFE is swarming with tarantulas. At least one of them grows up to become a spider-shaped parade float that’s actually cute enough to provide some entertainment value. It almost makes me miss the days when fake-looking giant spiders had to be built rather than computer animated in post-production. On the other hand, CGI might have helped them avoid awkwardness such as the scene in which the monster appears to “devour” a victim by cramming the guy up its butt (not enough room in the head, I guess). Though I admire low budget film-makers from the 1970s who actually had to work to make a bad movie, unfortunately this is still just a bad movie. See if desperate

See what you missed?

Last Thursday the Macy’s Day Parade once again graced our nation’s airwaves. Though it’s probably the dumbest holiday ritual on my annual list – and one that Amy wisely sleeps through every year – I just can’t make it through Thanksgiving without my yearly dose of the moral equivalent of those perky kids from Up With People astride the Colgate-Palmolive “World of Soap” float.

Once a year I just have an uncontrollable, irrational need for a little bit of New York pizzazz right here in God’s Country. I remember my mom telling me once that when she was a girl she thought the Macy’s in Wichita was the biggest place in the whole world. And of course for awhile the store in NYC actually was the biggest until it was eclipsed by a Soviet store (a competition that's the moral equivalent of “whose toe swells up biggest when hit with a hammer?”).

The parade coverage on both CBS and NBC appeared to be par for the course, the usual combination of floats, balloons, The What Else Could Your High School Have Done with All That Money Marching Band, The Spirit of Horses Who Would Rather Be Somewhere Else Mounted Drill Team, musical numbers, idle chit-chat and shots that linger a moment or two before cutting away to a cheerleader who didn’t get dropped.

I say “appeared to be” because this year for the first time I turned the sound off almost the whole time lest I awaken my spouse in the room across the hall. Overall it was a vast improvement. In fact, I only had to turn the sound up twice: once during a musical number (just because it wasn’t immediately obvious who or what it was) and once for an appearance by the Mach 5 (I had to make sure it didn’t herald the advent of another Speed Racer movie, which thankfully it didn’t).

And as usual, the parade had something for everyone. Indeed, it even catered to people who wouldn’t seem like they’d be a real big audience segment. Such as these folks:

For people who wondered what the “America” number from West Side Story would be like if it was performed by only the female half of the cast: The female half of the cast performing “America” from West Side Story.

For people who make sacrifices to Satan in order to ensure that someone somewhere is still performing Hair: Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in.

For anyone monitoring the progress of women’s ongoing struggle to be treated as anything besides body parts: The continued existence of the Radio City Rockettes.

For fans of George Romero: The non-Muppet cast of Sesame Street, particularly perpetual bachelor Bob.

For fans of both George Romero and Barbie: Cyndi Lauper riding some kind of pink princess nightmare float.

For people who savor the inappropriate combination of sponsor and float: The Hamburger Helper People Trying to Get a Cat Out of a Tree float.

For people for whom the combination of Hamburger Helper and a cat wasn’t sufficiently inappropriate: American Idol veteran Katharine McPhee bleached beyond recognition on the Jimmy Dean Happy Rainbow What Kind of Hallucinogens Are They Putting in That Sausage? float.

For rotten people who savor the humiliation of talented performers: Poor Alan Cummings struttin’ his stuff on the Broadway-show-theme-M&Ms float.

For people still struggling with the distinction between “minimalist” and “cheap”: Soup darlings Yo Gabba Gabba riding a “platforms on a flatbed” float.

For people who just can’t get enough of those wacky old folks: The Purple Pedalers, a team of older women on big tricycles with stuffed animals on the handlebars.

For fans of the “Really? with Seth and Amy” segment on “Weekend Update”: Ziggy Marley? Really?

And finally, for people seeking video that’s begging to be digitized, synced up with inappropriate music and posted on Youtube: The Mike Miller Dance Team giant Slinky (tm) routine.

Review – Sometimes They Come Back

For me the main attraction of this picture is that part of it was shot at Wyandotte High School, which is just down the street from my house and where a good friend used to teach. Beyond that, however, this is yet another mediocre horror movie based on a short story by Stephen King. Our hero (Tim Matheson) returns to his home town to teach only to find the ghosts of a childhood tragedy still very much alive. Some of his students die and are replaced by the vengeful zombies of leather-jacketed bullies from the teacher’s past. If one has to sit through Welcome Back to Hell, Kotter, it works better – or at least faster – as a story than it does as a movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Up

Despite starting off on an extremely depressing note, this turns out to be an okay movie. Suffering the loss of his wife and a court-ordered move to a retirement home, our curmudgeonly hero (voiced by Ed Asner) decides to attach thousands of helium balloons to his house and drift off on an adventure he and his spouse always dreamed of. He ends up with unexpected company on his journey and meets a childhood hero who turns out to be other than heroic. Though a lot of the movie is as full of “inspirational” message as we’ve come to expect from Disney/Pixar – not to mention extra added moodiness – I did like the occasional clever moments supplied by Kevin the bird and Doug the dog. Mildly amusing

Review – The Taking of Pelham 123 (2009)

Director Tony Scott makes a noisy, muddled mess out of a perfectly good movie from the 1970s. Though they kept some of the good parts of the original – such as hijackers motivated by greed rather than politics – and introduced an occasionally clever new twist or two, overall this wasn’t a step in the right direction. Denzel Washington does a fine – though obviously different – job in the Walter Matthau part, but John Travolta is a pale, twitchy shadow in Robert Shaw’s role. See if desperate

Review – Doubt

Here’s unnecessary proof that you can take advantage of film’s ability to move easily between times and locations and still produce something as stiffly theatrical as the play upon which the picture is based. A cranky, self-righteous nun (Meryl Streep) squares off against a progressive priest (Philip Seymour Hoffman) whom she suspects of molesting boys. Though I thought the plot and most of the dialogue would have played better on the stage than it did on the screen, I did like the gloomy visual sense of the picture. And though normally I’d applaud anyone with the guts to make a morally-ambiguous movie, here I wasn’t sure if this was genuinely ambiguous or merely inept. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mad

Which is what I would be if I’d actually paid money to see this stinker. Once again horror and comedy fail to mix in this tale of tainted-meat-spawned zombies besieging a father (Billy Zane) and daughter (probably nobody you’re ever going to hear from again). If watching a hick simultaneously assaulted by his arm-chewing zombie father and flying clods of monster-fied hamburger is your idea of a good time, write to the Chiller network (assuming you’re able to write, that is) and demand that they show it again as soon as possible. Otherwise something like Motel Hell would be a better choice, exploring the same meat phobias without being quite so stupid. See if desperate

Review – Star Trek (2009)

I’m having a hard time reviewing this movie because I’m a fan of the TV series from the 60s, and this picture seems to exist for no other reason than to mess with the original. I don’t mind a little clever re-invention – such as back story for familiar characters, the sort of thing that’s been done with Batman to good effect – but this just presses the reset button and starts over. For example, whole planets that were crucial to the story in the series are here obliterated without a second thought. I kept expecting some kind of J.J. Abrams Lost trick, where it turns out the destruction of Vulcan was a Dharma Initiative mind game. But no, apparently they’re serious about screwing everything up. And while normally I’d be tempted to toss in an “at least the effects were impressive,” here I can’t even go that far. For example, the new Enterprise bridge set is much fancier than the original, but now it looks less like the utilitarian command center of a starship and more like a noisy food court in the Mall of Tomorrow. I understand the need for some deviation from the certainly-flawed Star Trek of my youth. But this isn’t the Joker re-imagined as a violent psychopath. This is the Joker re-imagined as a giant octopus who’s pissed off about a botched sex change operation. The only reason I can eke out a single star for this mess is the chance that I’m being meaner to it than it deserves because it disappointed me. See if desperate

Review – The Pursuit of the Graf Spee

The title card on the print that ran on TCM identified this as “The Battle of the River Plate,” but it’s the same moment in history no matter what name it goes by. And wow is it ever boring. The picture is loosely divided into three acts: interaction between the captain of the Graf Spee (a very young Peter Finch) and the captain of a British vessel sunk by the German ship, the sea battle that damaged the Graf Spee and the ship’s fiery demise in the harbor at Montevideo. Oddly enough, the second part is the dullest of all. It includes extensive footage of guys standing around on the bridges of the English warships waiting for their enemy to turn up. While I’m sure this is a reasonably accurate representation of the long stretches between engagements in war at sea, it didn’t make for especially compelling cinema. However, the ships were interesting to look at for anyone who’s into ships. The opening credits even listed the actual names of the vessels playing the ships in the movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Dead of Night (1945)

What eerie ability does this movie have to possess the minds of otherwise intelligent film people? It picked up ringing endorsements both from Martin Scorcese and one of my respected professors from my undergrad days. And yet it’s an insanely boring parade of un-scary scares. Almost every segment in this anthology piece is the sort of thing that might be unnerving if it actually happened to you but doesn’t make much of an impression when it happens to someone in a movie. The final sequence – a schizophrenic and his dummy bit starring Michael Redgrave – is the best of the lot, but even that one’s a cliché fest. I particularly dislike bad anthology pictures because they stand more of a chance than single-story movies; if one segment is weak, another might make up for it. But here everything is uniformly awful. See if desperate

Review – SS Doomtrooper

Every once in awhile it’s nice to have a reminder of how fortunate we all are that the Nazis didn’t develop Doomtrooper technology earlier in the war. Things might have come out much differently if they had. Seriously, though, this is The Dirty Dozen versus a Nazi version of The Incredible Hulk with all the production quality we’ve come to associate with the words “The Sci Fi Channel presents.” The action sequences are like watching someone play a boss level from Wolfenstein over and over again. And those are the good parts. See if desperate

Review – Angels and Demons

Just as The Da Vinci Code was almost exactly what I expected, so this one was as well. It’s full of the usual Dan Brown nonsense that oddly enough was done to better effect in National Treasure, a movie that isn’t even directly based on Brown’s writing. They spent a lot of money on it, though apparently not as much as the first one because the female lead wasn’t a big star like last time. And as with the book, I appreciated the religious dynamic; it was less atheists vs. the Roman Catholic church and more good Catholics (aided by atheists) vs. bad Catholics. However, in place of the direct assault we get a lot of sermonizing about the false dichotomy between science and religion. Preachiness aside, it’s a reasonably good big budget thriller. Mildly amusing

Review – Phantom Racer

Imagine Christine redone with a NASCAR twist and … well, if that isn’t a vivid picture of Hell for you, then for all I know you might actually like this turd. Before sitting through this, I wouldn’t have thought that dialogue could ever be dreadful enough to make me grateful for the next attack by an evil-spirit-possessed stock car. See if desperate

Review – G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I watched this movie on Thanksgiving, which turned out to be appropriate for a couple of reasons. First, I was thankful I wasn’t in a theater next door to this at a multiplex. Even in a world full of noisy movies, this one stood out. Occasionally plot developments briefly intrude, but for the most part this is just one elaborate battle sequence after another, a relentless parade of action movie clichés. I was also thankful that I’d been a Joe fan when I was a kid, because it helped me get the inside jokes that were the cleverest this picture ever got. Oh, and I was thankful when it ended. Mildly amusing

Review – Dolls

Normally I’m not a big fan of either Stuart Gordon or killer doll movies, but oddly enough this one kinda works. It isn’t a great horror movie by any stretch of the imagination. But there’s a little emotional satisfaction to be gained in the horrible ends of parents who begin the movie by being deliberately mean to a child. Some of the effects are also sorta fun in a mid-80s way as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Land of the Lost

When I was a kid I liked the old Krofft series upon which this was based. Thus I was extra disappointed by the dreadfulness of the movie version. Will Ferrell follows the infamous SNL tradition of running jokes completely into the ground, only here he adds an extra layer of offensiveness. For example, he does a string of gags that involve drenching himself in dinosaur urine, a scene that felt like it went on for at least 20 minutes. That kind of thing might be acceptable – or at least easily avoided – if he reserved it for movies about frat boys on drinking binges. But in a movie based on a children’s TV show? This is just stupid and disgusting beyond any excuse. Wish I’d skipped it.

Review – Hero

On the surface this looks like yet another Crouching Tiger production, a flying-swords-of-kung-fu-death picture with good production values and extra added prettiness. But this one also packs a modern moral under the choreography and cinematography. An expert swordsman (Jet Li) gains an audience with the Emperor after slaying three assassins who posed a threat to the throne. As soldier and statesman talk, different versions of events unfold. I can’t get too far into the conclusion without at least partially spoiling the picture, so suffice it to say that this seems better geared for Chinese audiences than for the potential North American market. Mildly amusing

Review – Cuba

Though the concept had potential, the execution leaves a great deal to be desired. A British mercenary (Sean Connery) is hired by the Cuban government to help fight rebels in the waning days of 1958, when it was of course far too late to do anything about them. So he fights rebels. He gets tangled up in politics. He gets tangled up with an old flame (Brooke Adams) who’s married to a factory owner (Chris Sarandon). As I said, this could have worked. The problem is director Richard Lester. This guy had a couple of Beatles movies under his belt when he took the helm for this project, and unfortunately he brings the same brand of quirky humor to epic action movies that he employed when making pictures about pop stars. In Lester’s defense, many action movies are far too deadly serious and would benefit greatly from at least a small dose of humor. So it would have been nice if this had worked. Too bad it didn’t. I could have done without the unnecessary cockfighting sequence as well. See if desperate

Review – 2012

The most fun I had with this movie was watching it with a friend who was familiar with the Los Angeles area and could point out the inconsistencies between locations as they perished onscreen. Oh, and Woody Harrelson turns in a briefly entertaining performance as a conspiracy nut with his own radio show. Otherwise this is little more than a relentless parade of epic action movie clichés. For example, we’re treated to not one, not two, but three extended sequences of airplanes taking off from unstable runways. Sure, the effects are impressive. But without a good story to string everything together, this is nothing more than an elaborate fireworks show. At least if the movie’s central thesis is correct we’ll only have to put up with crap like this for another two or three years. See if desperate

Review – 88 Minutes

So a serial killer wants Al Pacino dead? Can’t say I find much fault in the intention. In this stinker Pacino plays a forensic psychologist being framed in a series of brutal killings by a copycat trying to get a brutal killer off death row. So brilliant investigator that he is, our hero decides to solve the mystery by walking up to every other character in the movie and asking point-blank questions that might as well be “did you do it?” Real mystery writers must be turning over in their graves (even the ones who aren’t dead yet). The story is too stupid and the killer’s crimes too repulsive to even vaguely justify any entertainment value that might otherwise be found here. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Lost Command

Imagine The Green Berets only slightly less simple-minded and you’ve got some idea what’s in store for you here. After being held responsible for the defeat at Dien Bien Phu, a French colonel (Anthony Quinn) and his paratroopers are reassigned to quell civil unrest in Algeria. They end up pitted against a former Algerian comrade (George Segal, in an unlikely bit of casting). Though this comes across as an endorsement of brutal “counterterrorism” tactics, it at least has the decency to acknowledge that the anti-French forces are human beings with a legitimate beef against the occupation. Mildly amusing

Review – The Good German

Steven Soderbergh sets himself about the largely-unnecessary task of proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he isn’t Carol Reed. Though this is clearly intended to have the same flavor of postwar intrigue as Reed’s classic The Third Man, it turns out to be at best a cheap, plastic reproduction that only vaguely resembles the real thing. George Clooney plays a journalist who swiftly finds himself in too deep while trying to unravel a murder mystery set against the backdrop of the Pottsdam conference. Mildly amusing

Review – Leprechaun 2

Though Warwick Davis repeats his role as the title character, this must be a different leprechaun. The bad guy in the original was only 600 years old, while this one is at least 2000. Further … ohmygod, am I really nit-picking the inconsistencies between the first two Leprechaun movies? This time around he’s after a bride as well as his gold, but otherwise it’s second verse same as the first. See if desperate

Review – Leprechaun

Sure this is a stupid, vulgar waste of celluloid. But it answers one big, burning question about leprechauns: if you follow the rainbow to their gold and steal it, wouldn’t that piss them off? Apparently yes, it does indeed. The title character comes across as a miniature Freddy Krueger, spouting witless Irish jokes as he slaughters everyone who stands between him and his lost treasure. Jennifer Aniston’s fans may get a kick out of her early-career appearance here, but everyone else can safely avoid it. See if desperate

Review – Thunder Rock

What a weird movie. A disillusioned former journalist (Michael Redgrave) escapes from humanity by taking a job as a lighthouse keeper in Lake Michigan. In his isolation he finds his mind haunted by the made-up ghosts of the captain and passengers of a boat that crashed on nearby rocks nearly a century before. At first his companions are stiff and one-dimensional. But after he contemplates his fruitless struggles to get the world to wake up to growing threats to global peace in the late 1930s, he finds himself able to journey back into the pasts of his ghosts as well. The odd, disconnected nature of the separate stories gets tied up a bit at the end, but even then this comes across as a strange way to make a point about perseverance in the face of adversity. Mildly amusing

Review – Gaslight

This is the great granddaddy of all “messin’ with yer mind” movies. A shady character (Charles Boyer) marries a nervous woman (Ingrid Bergman), and they move into the London townhome she inherited from a wealthy relative who hid some expensive jewels somewhere in the house. He proceeds to conduct a campaign of tricks and lies designed both to cover his tracks and to convince her that she’s going insane. Unfortunately for him, a member of the local constabulary (Joseph Cotten) notices that something is amiss. Sympathy for Bergman’s long-suffering character makes this a hard movie to watch, but the film-makers do a solid job of managing the suspense to keep things interesting. And it’s certainly a delight to watch when the screw finally turns. Worth seeing

Review – The Alphabet Killer

Anytime you get a movie based on the true story of a serial killer who was never caught, you can bet the picture is going to take some liberties with the facts. And this production is no exception. Eliza Dushku plays a detective trying to track down a predator who kidnaps and murders preadolescent girls. Her obsession with the case pushes her off the deep end, and she ends up in a mental hospital where she makes friends with a guy in a wheelchair (Tim Hutton). After she recovers and returns to desk duty at the police department, the killer resumes his habits. She persuades her ex-boyfriend (Cary Elwes) to let her work on the case. But the closer she gets to solving it the more she deteriorates mentally, seeing the ghosts of the dead kids and the like. The story is okay and the production values reasonably good. My only big gripe with the picture is that despite efforts at subterfuge the casting decisions tended to give away the surprise ending well in advance. Mildly amusing

Review – Valentino

I was curious about this Ken Russell biography of famous silent movie actor Rudolph Valentino because I’d heard it was visually stunning but otherwise dreadful. Unfortunately, the rumors were only half correct. The cinematography is pretty, but it isn’t exactly breathtaking. The imagery isn’t even on par with having Ann-Margaret roll around in beans and syrup. And of course the part about the rest of the picture being dreadful was absolutely correct. Lead “actor” Rudolf Nureyev was clearly hired for his considerable – yet featured only briefly – dancing skills, because he couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. And the rest of the cast turns in performances on par with the star. Even the script is strictly talentless-high-school-drama-student-high-on-bad-acid. See if desperate

Review – The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959)

This picture combines two things I like: Hammer productions and Sherlock Holmes. This is my favorite Holmes story. It even includes key Hammer personalities: Peter Cushing (Holmes) and Christopher Lee (Henry Baskerville) directed by Terence Fisher. Though overall this isn’t on par with either the studio’s horror pictures or the Rathbone/Bruce version of this story, it was still a fun viewing experience. Mildly amusing

Review – Hell House: The Book of Samiel

Shame on whomever came up with the title for this picture. Any hint that this dog is related in any way to either Richard Matheson’s novel or the film version thereof is strictly misleading. And if there’s a “Book of Samiel” – or any other book, for that matter – anywhere in this picture, it must have cropped up after I lost interest. And the reason my attention drifted away was that this was nothing but a witless parade of slasher movie clichés and poorly-assembled softcore porn. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Deadgirl

I went back and forth for some time before deciding on a rating for this picture. On one hand, it features a genuinely excessive dose of disturbing sexual violence. On the other hand, it’s intended to make a point, not to titillate. A question I first pondered while watching The Stink of Flesh comes to the forefront here: is sex with an unwilling zombie merely an elaborate form of necrophilia, or is it actually rape? The circumstances here suggest the latter. A couple of slacker boys poking around in the basement of an abandoned asylum discover a naked woman wrapped up in a bag. Closer examination shows that she’s a member of the walking dead (except of course she isn’t walking around because she’s chained to the table). The miserable little dateless wonders decide to turn the zombie into their own personal sex slave, and things go downhill from there. I waffled between being thoroughly grossed out and mildly intrigued by the contrast between the hapless corpse and the living women in the picture. Overall I thought the drama made some good statements about adolescent male attitudes about women. Still, it wasn’t easy viewing. Mildly amusing

Review – Chariots of the Gods

They practically own South America. They taught the Incas everything they knew. It's been decades since I saw this great grandfather of all ancient astronaut documentaries, so I was surprised by three things I’d forgotten. First, it was really, really long. Though the running time is a standard 90 minutes or so, the narrative is so repetitive that it seems to drag on for far longer than that. Second, the soundtrack is an experiment in endurance. It sounds like it was composed by a trio made up of John Williams, Miles Davis in one of his free-form jazz odyssey moods, and a three year old attacking a Moog synthesizer like it stole his milk and cookies. Third, I’d forgotten the racism. Erich von Daniken’s thesis is that civilizations in Africa, South America and the Pacific were all created – or at least greatly influenced – by white people from outer space. The first two issues might have worked in a campy mock-fest way, but the third proved to be a deal breaker. See if desperate

Review – The Lodger (1944)

This remake of an old Alfred Hitchcock silent thriller adds sound but not much more. A Jack-the-Ripper-esque killer haunts the gaslit streets of London, and suspicion falls on the creepy new lodger taken in by a down-on-his-luck businessman and his family. Laird Cregar does a delightfully twitchy turn or two as the title character, but for the most part this is dull stuff. Mildly amusing

Great moments in theology #3

 

Review – The Changeling

I never thought I’d type these words, but I honestly didn’t like George C. Scott in this role. For starters, he comes across as too old to have a daughter the age of the kid who gets killed at the beginning of this production. But more than his age, it’s the indifference he brings to the part. I was surprised that a guy who could breathe such life into just about everything from generals to cops to lawyers and back to generals again couldn’t muster much enthusiasm for his part in this picture. Mourning the loss of his wife and child, a music professor rents a mansion in Seattle that’s closer to his new job and affords him the space to work (and don’t bother asking where a college professor gets the money for a mansion). He soon discovers that his new digs are haunted by the restless ghost of a wheelchair-bound child. Saying more than that would spoil the plot developments that form the only reason to see this movie. Suffice it to say that this is a ghost story largely in the Shirley Jackson / Henry James mode, though at least it has a few spooky moments. Mildly amusing

Review – Anatomy of a Murder

I’m fond of this movie for one reason: the second half of the picture is devoted to one of the most realistic depictions of a criminal trial ever included in a studio release. Of course it’s still a far cry from the real thing. But at least it sorta follows proper procedure. Objections are usually used correctly, and so on. Oddly enough, the de-Hollywood-ization of the courtroom actually makes this a more interesting picture to watch, as home-spun defense lawyer Jimmy Stewart squares off against slick state prosecutor George C. Scott using the actual law rather than some made-up nonsense. Unfortunately, the rest of the picture isn’t as good. Many of the out-of-court shenanigans are much more standard lawyers-never-really-do-this silliness. Further, the end was both predictable and inferior to To Kill a Mockingbird, a movie that makes the same point but with greater emotional depth and less cynicism. Even the Duke Ellington soundtrack is a mixed blessing. Musically it’s brilliant stuff, but it’s intrusive in places. Still, the trial scenes make the rest of it worthwhile. Worth seeing

Review – Kingdom of the Spiders

Wow, is this ever hard on the animals. Cows. A dog. And of course the spiders. The plot is a half-baked reheat of Jaws with less shark and more spiders. So the whole thing hinges on the production’s ability to establish the moral superiority of William Shatner over a pack of venomous arachnids. Fail. Though I got a small smile from the ending, it was nowhere near worth the journey it took to get there. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Flesh Eaters

This relic got off to a good start. Or to be more precise, it got off to a start similar to the beginning of Piranha, odd given that this picture predated the Sayles-Dante collaboration by more than a decade. But it started to stink shortly thereafter. I thought the title monsters would be something at least vaguely piranha-esque, but instead they’re microorganisms played by dry ice chucked in the water, pinholes poked in the film and other cheap effects. Somehow they’re able to strand a group of annoying travelers on an island with a mad scientist who’s studying the things. And when they’re joined by a brain-dead beatnik on a raft … well, suffice it to say that the dialogue was bad enough to peel paint off a fence, and the acting, direction and every other element of the production was of like quality. See if desperate

Review – Compulsion

After watching Inherit the Wind, I thought I’d keep my fictionalized Clarence Darrow streak alive with this drama based on the Leopold and Loeb case. This time around Orson Welles takes on the role. Of course he doesn’t show up until midway through. The first half of the picture is devoted to the criminals themselves, played by Dean Stockwell and Bradford Dillman. The circumstances surrounding the murder make them look like a pair of arrogant, cold-blooded killers. Thus when Welles finally gets around to delivering his lengthy, mumbling, rambling remarks in their defense, the outcome of the story becomes as implausible as it is inevitable. Though the last line of the picture helps redeem it a smidge, overall you’re going to need to bring some sympathy for the devil into the experience before you’re going to appreciate the labors of his advocate. Mildly amusing

Review – Banshee!!!

For the most part this is yet another low-budget tale of young folk unwisely straying into the woods, where they become chow for a youngster-chomping, CGI gargoyle. However, this picture went an extra couple of yards to earn a spot in the “total garbage” category. For starters, the monster kills a dog in the first ten minutes, which automatically required the movie to do something to redeem itself (which of course it never did). But worse was the squandering of the “banshee” thing. A banshee that followed the actual folk legends would have been one of the cooler denizens of the ghost pantheon. This thing didn’t even vaguely merit the title. And seriously guys, all those exclamation points? Is this a tale from a bad horror comic from the 1970s? Again, no. Even those were better than this mess. Wish I’d skipped it