Review – Dark Harvest

As often as scarecrows end up turning into serial-killing demons, it’s a wonder farmers don’t find some other way to protect their crops from avian attack. This one combines the gore monster with approximately equal parts of “The Lottery” and 50s era juvenile delinquent pastiche to no particularly good effect. Then the false endings start. See if desperate

Review – Censor

I’m actually kinda impressed by movies where even on first viewing you can pinpoint the exact moment when they go completely off the rails. I won’t spoil it, but it’s pretty obvious. The story – film censor for the British government gets caught up in the bloody violence from a “video nasty” – had potential, and the art direction recreates mid-80s in the UK quite well. But despite getting off to a good start, by the end it’s too random and ridiculous to care about. If nothing else, this should serve as a reminder to me that the “leaves Prime in less than a day” warning message isn’t necessarily a good reason to watch a movie. See if desperate

Review – Clown in a Cornfield

This was about as good as any movie called “Clown in a Cornfield” was likely to be. The story was beyond stupid, but the acting and production values were fine. Mildly amusing

Review – Candy Corn

Actual candy corn would have been scarier than this movie, though in fairness candy corn is scary stuff. The filmmakers here possess two undeniable talents: backwoods location scouting and stunt casting. Courtney “Malachi from Children of the Corn” Gains plays one of the leads, but P.J. Soles and Tony Todd seem more like maybe they were in Ohio for HorrorCon Toledo 2019 and accepted a few extra bucks to show their faces briefly on screen. Beyond familiar faces and abandoned buildings, there’s nothing to this dumb attempt at supernatural revenge. If you do opt to take this on, try counting the number of unique angles Gains employs when parking a police car. See if desperate

Review – Killjoy

How did something this terrible even get made, let alone spawn several sequels? A killer clown seeks revenge against the criminals who murdered his summoner, and that’s about as close to coherence as the story ever gets. Even the video itself is terrible, created or compressed to that annoying, jumpy quality of old Youtube stuff. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Playback

In 2010 Kiefer Sutherland lost a Super Bowl bet and had to wear a dress for his appearance on Letterman. Something similar to that must be the only possible explanation for why Christian Slater would play a pedophile voyeur cop in this low budget piece of crap. Someone here has heard of early motion picture pioneer Louis Le Prince, and that could have been the foundation for a really good story. Instead it turns out to be a witless parade of weak horror movie clichés. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Black Christmas (2006)

The original was a clunker, and this doesn’t really do much to improve on it. Indeed, my favorite parts were the homages to the older movie. Beyond that it’s sorority girls being butchered by a psycho, with some backstory stirred in for a little extra added annoyance. See if desperate

Review – Thanksgiving

For everyone waiting for a good horror movie with a Thanksgiving theme, the wait continues. This typical slasher revenge plot tastes a lot like leftovers. See if desperate

Review – Scream 6

Ghostface Takes Manhattan. At least this isn’t quite as stupid as its counterpart from the Friday the 13th franchise. As with previous entries in the set, most of the entertainment value in this production comes from gory death and preposterous plot twists. Again fans should find themselves well served. Mildly amusing

Review – Scream (2022)

I was curious to see how the franchise that brought meta horror to the big screen would fare in an age where pretty much everything is meta. Though obviously this isn’t innovative anymore, it at least remains entertaining. Fans of the series should enjoy the next generation returning to familiar territory, as well as some cast members from the original set coming back for another go-around. Mildly amusing

Review – Johnny Frank Garrett’s Last Word

I hated watching this movie come up short when the people who made it obviously worked so hard on it. Even when elements such as the quirky editing fail, at least they tried doing something creative. Setting the well-intentioned effort aside, this suffers from two fatal flaws. First, it’s the umpty-thousandth rehash of the executed-criminal-seeks-revenge-from-beyond-the-grave story. And worse, it applies this hackneyed plot to a real crime rather than keeping things strictly in the realm of fiction. Nice try, but nope. See if desperate

Review – Leatherface

Add Lili Taylor to the list of award-winning actors whose agents need to be more diligent about screening for the words “Texas Chainsaw” in the job offer stack. This purports to be an origin story for the title character, though the production focuses most of its time on bet-you-didn’t-see-that-coming twists. The only reason I can see for sitting through this is if you have the “three-way sex with a rotting corpse” square on your horror movie bingo card. Oddly enough, it’s actually better than the last movie I saw from the same auteur duo. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Unhuman

Often low budget horror movies are bad because they’re made by amateurs who lack the experience and talent it takes to do things right. But the folks who made this one were meticulously awful. It’s like they carefully thought out what would make a movie scary or clever or interesting in any way, and then at every turn they did the exact opposite. The result reeks of “hey, I know where there’s an abandoned building that would be a great place to shoot a horror movie.” Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Halloween Ends

This one made me sad. Not because of the whole “ends” thing, as I assume this is the end only of Blumhouse’s rights to the franchise. Even the apparently decisive conclusion, well, I’ve seen supernatural slashers find ways to walk away from worse. But this has less Michael Myers than any other movie in the set other than the third. Jamie Lee Curtis is still doing a professional job in her recurring role, but honestly at this point I feel like she’s earned a rest. I’m sure the audience has as well. See if desperate

Review – Grimcutty

For the umpteenth movie version of the Slender Man, the monster here is reasonably entertaining. It’s a shame they don’t do much with it other than cheap jump scares. The plot is a batch of cold leftovers about teens who run afoul of a supernatural menace lurking in their social media. The only genuinely new thing here is the heavy reliance on “ASMR” whispering, which proves to be super annoying. See if desperate

Review – Candyman (2021)

I’d be very curious to see something else directed by Nia DaCosta. Because this outing features several moments of pure brilliance, but they’re scattered amid a meandering mess of strangeness just for the sake of being strange (sadly what I’m coming to expect from co-writer Jordan Peele). When it’s at its best, it’s genuinely chilling. It’s also fun when it makes references to the original Candyman movie. But the only good stuff that doesn’t require you to wade through the slower parts are the excellent shadow puppet sequences at the end. Worth seeing

Review – Halloween Kills

This damn thing is literally nothing but murder and inside jokes. No story at all beyond threads from other Halloween movies. Just a mess of stunt casting and sub-references sandwiched between witless gore. And I do mean witless, even by the loose standards of the slasher sub-genre. Michael Myers is now killing people completely at random. You don’t have to have sex or be a family member to end up on his victim list. You just have to be anywhere in Haddonfield. He even does one couple the courtesy of knocking before he comes in to dish out the stabbings. The end also adds an extra note of pointlessness to the whole mess. See if desperate

Review – Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

The only thing that distinguishes this from countless other TCM sequels, remakes and remake sequels is the return of Sally Hardesty, the sole survivor from the original. Her quest for vengeance might have been more compelling if it had been a bigger part of the plot or (spoiler alert) if it had been successful. Beyond that, this is an unimaginative parade of fumbled attempts to kill Leatherface (not that he can be killed in any event) mixed in with racism and school shooting flashbacks just to keep things topical. Overall this picture has the distinct scent of a production that went through multiple directors and other production setbacks. See if desperate

Review – Fade to Black

This movie comes from the faraway age of the early 80s, when violent stalkers were new and interesting rather than filler for a slow news day with no riots or mass shootings. Dennis Christopher is iconic as Eric Binford, a movie nerd pushed into a psychotic killing spree by the usual blend of bullying and unrequited love. The production is awkward in an early 80s way, and it’s fun to count the plot points that would have played differently in the age of home video and cell phones. Overall this is just creepy enough to be entertaining. Mildly amusing

Review – Black Christmas

It’s hard to believe this was directed by the same guy who made Murder by Decree and A Christmas Story. In Bob Clark’s partial defense, this is one of his earlier efforts, back when he clearly had a lot to learn about filmmaking. If you’re trying to make it through a history of the slasher genre, you’ll have to sit through this early entry in the set. But be prepared for a thoroughly annoying experience. See if desperate