Review – The Garden

Apparently if the Apocalypse took place entirely in some creepy old guy’s back yard then it wouldn’t amount to much. This horror movie has strong Christian overtones, making it a combination of elements that probably did it out of any chance of finding an audience. A child with a troubled past accompanies his father to a remote ranch that turns out to belong to the devil (Lance Henriksen). The filmmakers seem sincere about integrating faith into the production rather than just using Christian jim-jams as anti-monster props. Unfortunately the production quality is too weak to pull it off. For example, when the Four Horsemen come charging out of the old guy’s barn, they look like refugees from the Barbarian Woods section of the Renaissance Festival. The picture is also hampered by occasional bouts of witless sanctimony, the sort of see-what-happens-when-you-mess-with-Jesus one would expect from a Chick comic, not a sincere attempt to make a good horror movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Pathology

Yeah, I suppose if med students responsible for performing autopsies in the morgue decided to start murdering people they might be able to get away with it. Unfortunately that premise is nowhere near powerful enough to haul this stinker’s fat out of the fire. A new-kid-on-the-block doctor starting a residency swiftly falls in with a clique of thrill-killing jerks and forms one of those dishonestly gay relationships with its leader. The movie’s raison d’être is cheap nudity, cheaper gore and lots of heavily filtered camerawork. So if you have a fetish about having rough sex while surrounded by corpses in an autopsy room, looks like they finally made a porno just for you. Otherwise just mutter “ick” and walk away. See if desperate

Review – The Naked Gun

From the Files of Crap Squad. Leslie Nielsen once again teams up with Jim Abrahams and the Zuckers to make a parody, but this time around it’s pure crud. They tried to make a go of the whole “Police Squad” cop show parody on TV, and it flopped massively. This first movie in the set met with a bit more success with audiences, but it’s at best a pale shadow of Airplane! Most of the comedy is physical, and a lot of it is so predictable and repetitive that it gets annoying after awhile. My favorite part of the whole production was the end credits, both because they included some subtle jokes and because they meant the movie was over. See if desperate

Review – The Andromeda Strain (2008)

Michael Crichton’s germ paranoia classic gets dragged into the 21st century. In this remake the virus is smarter and everything else is dumber. The microbes kill everything in their path, and they have an incubation period of around five seconds. So a cadre of brilliant scientists – both aided and hindered by the Army – retire to a top-secret lab to concoct an antidote while an investigative journalist flounders around just enough to pad the plot to feature length (or to miniseries length if you’re watching the unedited version, which I didn’t). The production bets heavily on the power of the premise and a handful of wouldn’t-it-be-cool-if sequences, and as a result it comes up short. Of course it doesn’t help that the whole thing screams “made for TV.” See if desperate

Eight movies to watch after your car gets stolen

Theft of any kind is a pain in the butt. Intrusions into the home are the worst, but grand theft auto runs home invasion a close second. We rely extensively on our cars, and they’re expensive to replace (or even to repair the damage once the thieves get done with them). Further, there’s no doing anything about the crime. Unless the cops just happen to catch the wrongdoers red-handed, chances are that they’ll never be punished in any way for the damage they cause.

With that in mind, the only solace in the wake of a car theft is in the realm of fantasy. Fortunately, that’s the movies’ specialty. Hollywood history is full of tales of revenge. But here we’re looking for something just a little specialized. The targets should be criminals. The protagonist should be motivated by a sense of justice, preferably in place of official justice denied by an impotent legal system. And although this is one of the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, the more violent the villains’ ends, the better.

 

The Punisher – Frank Castle (and his dime-store novel predecessor, Mack Bolan) is the ultimate vigilante. This guy really hates criminals. But then, who can blame him? Mobsters murdered his whole family. The violence in the movie version is toned down a bit from the comic books (the opposite of what one would typically expect), but the picture is still full of satisfying slaughter. Castle (ably played by Tom Jane) is as clever as he is cruel, so he isn’t satisfied merely to butcher his foes. Instead he devises especially unpleasant fates for them. If you just lost something to a criminal, what Castle does has probably been going through your mind. It’s refreshing to see it acted out.

Magnum Force / Sudden Impact – I won’t ask you to sit through two Dirty Harry movies, but at least one of this pair should be on your post-theft list. If I were picking, I’d go with Magnum Force. I like the 70s aesthetic a bit better than the 80s stuff. And it has just enough moral ambiguity to stay at least partially grounded in reality. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood’s most famous role) is a loner cop with his own sense of justice, but here he’s stuck between his own penchant for bending the rules and a cabal of cops who go the extra distance to execute wrongdoers without mercy or even lip service to legal process. Sudden Impact pits our hero against the villains from Last House on the Left and a vengeful woman who is systematically slaughtering them. Though Ronald Reagan helped make the “Go ahead, make my day” thing famous, for my money the “dog shit” speech is a lot more entertaining, not to mention more in keeping with the rage one might be feeling against criminals.

Anything with Charles Bronson in it (especially the Death Wish series) – Though Bronson has made a movie here and there that isn’t about vengeance (Telefon would be one example), his particular gift appears to be for vigilante pieces. Heck, even House of Wax (in which he has a small role as a supporting villain) is at least in some sense about revenge. But if you want Bronson at his best (at least with the current theme in mind), look no further than the Death Wish movies. Any one will do. However, the first one is the best. The script is better. Paul Kersey - The Vigilante - is more three-dimensional and believable. Further, he doesn't go after the thugs that attacked his family. Instead, he kills muggers at random. The approach has a certain "just do something" comfort for anyone victimized by anonymous criminals.

Man on Fire – Despite the presence of Dakota Fanning, this one has a couple of strong factors in its favor. First, Denzel Washington’s character is trying to figure out just who did him wrong. This hunt for the guilty parties gives him something in common with anyone who’s fallen victim to a criminal who hasn’t been – and probably never will be – caught. Second, even in a genre full of mean protagonists this guy’s exceptional. As relentless as Frank Castle and Dirty Harry can be, neither of them ever killed a man by cramming explosives up his ass merely for failing to cooperate with an investigation.

Death and the Maiden – One thing that almost all vigilante tales have in common is the abrupt nature of the revenge. We spend the whole picture watching the villains kill the hero’s family, rape his girlfriend, burn his house, kick his dog, and so on, and then in the end he shoots them. Big deal. How is a simple shooting payback for all that torment? But here the exact opposite is the case. Early on our heroine catches hold of the man who tortured her, and she spends the whole rest of the picture paying him back. This fits better with fantasies about what you’d do if some miracle of fate chained your car thief up in the basement, leaving him at your mercy (or lack of same). Also, here the protagonist is a woman, an added plus for female owners of stolen cars. On the other hand, this is a bit stagey (firmly feeling its roots as a play). If you'd prefer to get your no-Y-chromosome entry from a picture more stylistically similar to most of the other pictures on this list, try Jodie Foster as the female Charles Bronson in The Brave One.

Taxi Driver – Travis Bickle is a creep. Further, he’s motivated by a warped sense of chivalry rather than a need to punish crimes. Still, it’s hard to argue with results. The extended scenes in which he sits around his apartment rehearsing acts of aggression may be familiar territory to anyone who’s been mad enough to want to hurt the target of his (or her) rage. Bickle’s oft-repeated mini-manifesto about washing the scum off the streets may also strike a familiar chord with anyone who has recently encountered the criminal class.

American History X – This one almost didn’t make the list, simply because it’s too uplifting. The overall moral is that violence is bad. Also, the acts of aggression here are mostly motivated by racism rather than anti-crime sentiment. Still, there’s just something about Ed Norton curbing one of the guys who attack his house. Also, though the message here may not be exactly what you’re in the mood for if you’re mad, it’s nice to have a reminder that anger becomes profoundly unjust and unhealthy when it’s directed at everyone who just happens to share physical characteristics (such as race) with the criminals at hand.

Pee-wee’s Big Adventure – Okay, clearly this one lacks the visceral aggression of the rest of the set. But in some ways Pee-wee is more in touch with the childhood insecurities at the heart of the victim/vigilante relationship than many of the more violent entries. And hey, it’s also the only movie in the set in which our hero’s anguish is brought on by the theft of a vehicle. Further, after sitting through some of the grimmer pictures on the list – especially Taxi Driver and American History X – a little comic relief may well be in order.

Review – Ex

If this had been a romantic comedy out of Hollywood I think I would have lost patience with it fairly quickly. But this Italian import musters some charm that a smarmy star vehicle would have lacked (though it wouldn’t surprise me at all to see this suffer an American remake). To be sure, it’s still a bit afield of my usual viewing habits. It’s too silly in some spots, too maudlin in others, and the sad story line was a bit too weepy for me. But overall this was quirky, clever, and much more entertaining than I thought it would be. Mildly amusing

Review – Malaria Parasites

I love the double entendre in the title. This documentary is about the out-of-control spread of Malaria in Africa in the past two decades. Interviews with epidemiologists and activists establish that this disease, which should be relatively easy to treat, is devastating the population because of the proliferation of watered-down or completely counterfeit drugs. Even the drug companies, which should be strongly opposed to such criminal practices, don’t seem to have much interest in putting a stop to the counterfeiting. If you need cheering up, this production is the wrong place. But it’s still worth a look based solely on the importance of the subject matter. Mildly amusing

Review – Pierrepoint: The Last Hangman

This is the Brit indie tale of Albert Pierrepoint (Timothy Spall), ordinary bloke and pub owner on his own time, but at work he’s the British government’s official hangman. The picture follows the protagonist’s career from when he first blundered into the job to when his conscience started to bother him and he resigned. Along the way he gives the long drop to an interesting cast of characters from Nazi war criminals to a personal friend. The production is interesting without being as inspirational as they seem to hope it will be. Mildly amusing

Review – The Dead One

Summed up in seven words, this is “a Mexican-American version of The Crow.” The new cultural background has some potential, with Day of the Dead stuff and ancient Aztec gods and all. But the execution is purely dreadful. This production has way more bad script and way fewer cool martial arts sequences. And don’t even get me started on the ocean of difference between Brandon Lee and Wilmer Valderrama. Once again a decent premise falls victim to incompetent film-makers. See if desperate

Review – Obsessed

Yet again audiences are served a thriller rendered impossibly un-thrilling by almost every twist in the tale. An up-and-coming executive (Idris Elba) falls victim to a crazy stalker (Ali Larter), much to the chagrin of his wife (Beyonce Knowles). This is one of those things that could have gone better at any point if the protagonist simply exercised either logic or honesty. And a great deal of screen time is taken up with pointless bickering about this and that. The only real surprises here come from the women. Usually in a “fatal attraction” plot the evil temptress is, well, tempting (at least to start). Larter’s character’s first direct attack is in a men’s room stall with a Christmas party going on, which was a stroke of genius compared to her second: she hops into the guy’s car, opens her coat and reveals the most unattractive pair of granny panties I’ve ever seen. Further, I was surprised at how bad Beyonce turned out to be. Her acting is stiff at best, and apparently she has a number of unflattering camera angles. The production bets a lot on the ultimate catfight between the two at the end, so it’s a shame it isn’t any better than it is. See if desperate

Review – The Mysterious Stone Monuments of Markawasi Peru

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a damn cynic. I think productions like this are probably a lot more fun if you can approach them with at least a little credulity. The Markawasi plateau sports an unusually high number of rock formations that – if you catch them from just the right angle in just the right light and employ a bit of imagination – resemble people or animals. That makes them interesting but not really documentary-worthy. Enter the cadre of kooks who insist that the formations are actually ancient sculptures left by a long-vanished civilization. Of course the appearance of creatures not native to South America – not to mention “astronauts” and the like – require explanations that strain the story’s already all-too-thin believability. Still, the rocks look cool even if they aren’t quite as important as some folk think they are. Mildly amusing

Review – Werewolf: The Devil’s Hound

Low budget crapslingers strike again, this time with the distinctly non-linear (i.e. poorly conceived and assembled) tale of a special effects guy who gets bitten by a werewolf and starts to transform. In all fairness, when it’s being scary it isn’t too terrible. The werewolf makeup is ridiculous. The original beast looks like a mugato, and her victim looks like a hipster with extra-long sideburns. But at least they have the sense to use weird lighting and lots of jump cuts to partially disguise the bad effects. The real killer here is a mistake common to many pictures of this ilk: because they lack the skill and resources to make it good, they try to make it funny. I’m surprised even horror nerds are entertained by horror nerd humor, and certainly nobody else should have to sit through it. See if desperate

Review – Howling 2

After early screenings revealed that audiences thought – correctly – that this was an intensely terrible movie, the film-makers decided to take a Pee-wee-Herman-over-the-handlebars “I meant to do that” approach. Thus if you’re watching it now, it probably has the subtitle “Your sister is a werewolf” stuck on it. Unfortunately, pretending a movie this stupid was intended to be a comedy only transforms it into a stupid comedy. The twin disgraces that set this apart from other pictures of similar ilk is that it squanders the talent of Christopher Lee and the good running start it got from the first Howling, a movie with script, acting and effects as good as the same elements here are bad. Oh, and note to anyone watching this on Chiller (or similar venue): the presence of Sybil Danning alone should tell you that some cheap nudity has been excised from the print. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Dr. Bronner's Magic Soapbox

Anyone who’s ever read even part of the label of a bottle of Dr. Bronner’s soap can’t help but wonder what kind of person comes up with such a thing. Well, question answered. This documentary makes good use of old interviews with the man himself, new interviews with his kids and employees, and other sources to put together as coherent as possible a tale of Bronner’s early years, the foundation of his company, his philosophy, his time in an asylum, and so on. Occasionally the production dips into person-on-the-street with the soap’s hippie fan base. It also spends a great deal of time following the good doctor’s son Ralph, who appears to be the only one of the next generation to follow in his father’s eccentric footsteps rather than holding a position of responsibility with the company. Still, overall it’s an interesting movie. Mildly amusing

Taxing time

Oh local newscasters. Oh billboards. Oh giant signs on the sides of downtown buildings. Oh national newscasters. Oh local newscasters (again). Oh underemployed people dressed as Uncle Sam or the Statue of Liberty.

Quit nagging me about my taxes. Ugh.

In a stand-up performance I watched earlier this week, Jake Johannsen pointed out how much easier it would be if the government would just take what it had coming and leave us the rest. “Once a year,” he pointed out, “they make us do a complicated math problem. And if you get it wrong, you go to prison.”

To that I’ll add that not even the insurance industry does business this way. Even those expert robbers can be trusted to give a reasonably straight answer when asked how much something is going to cost. They don’t want us to figure it out for ourselves (though if they did, I’m sure they’d punish us for getting it wrong).

I managed to get my paperwork done and in on time, which was easier at the state level where we’re practically forced to e-file than it is at the federal level where they’re still charging for the privilege. So why doesn’t the federal government save millions in processing costs by making e-filing available for free to everyone? Well, think of all the folks who wouldn’t be making money if they couldn’t charge customers for this simple service.

Now extend that to the concept of a flat tax. If the government actually took the suggestion from Johannsen (and me and thousands of other flat tax advocates) and put an end to the madness, what would happen to all the tax lawyers? And on a less “no, not the cockroaches!” note, what about the charities that depend on the tax-deductible quality of their support?

And just think of the poor people who could no longer make low wages by dressing up as beloved American icons and standing on the curb in the freezing cold and pouring rain screaming “tax time!” Billboard companies. Sign designers. And of course the local newscasters. Because if they aren’t nagging us about our taxes, they’ll have to go back to stories about some guy in Raymore who miraculously grew a potato that looks just like Harry Truman.

At least I waited until after April 15 to post this. I’d hate to add to the problem.

My eight least favorite movies

I’ve done a number of lists (12 as of this writing) praising some of our favorite pieces of cinema art. However, the time has come to recognize that the movie industry is also capable of producing works that land squarely at the opposite end of the spectrum. Over the years I’ve sat through a lot of movies that didn’t justify the time it took to watch them, let alone the effort and expense required to create them. Many times I’ve wished to have my money and the last hour and a half of my life refunded. But only rarely have productions been so terrible that they left me longing for the ability to erase from my brain the memory of seeing them.

My custom is to end messages (particularly updates) with “Enjoy!” No such cheery conclusion here. “Avoid!” would be more apt, or if you’re tough enough to take on any one of these stinkers (let alone all eight), then “Endure!”

 

Armageddon – This picture is a perfect storm combination of two of Hollywood’s most hateful tricks: endless complications and Bruce Willis. On the first count, this thing drags on past two and a half hours by throwing monkey wrench after monkey wrench into the plot. It’s Murphy’s Law taken to a horrible extreme, with so many things going wrong that by the end it’s impossible to believe in or care about anything going right. And on the second count, in this movie Willis is at his most Willis-y. The man has made quite a career out of giving hope to knuckle-dragging, beer-swilling mooks everywhere by playing knuckle-dragging, beer-swilling mooks who turn out to be action heroes who save the planet (here literally). I can’t tell you how little comfort I take in the suggestion that if the Earth were about to be destroyed by a giant rock that Willis would be our last line of defense against it.

The Cat in the Hat – Under most circumstances I have trouble using the word “desecration” to refer to something bad being done to a work of art. The term implies that the target is sacred, and I think it’s inappropriate to worship art no matter how beautiful it is. This movie, however, is an act of desecration. I was never even all that big a fan of the book version of the Cat when I was a kid. Still, I hated watching Mike Myers’s stupid, nasty, vulgar comedy “styling” turned loose on an innocent, whimsical childhood classic.

Halloween (2007) – At least John Carpenter’s original wasn’t a beloved piece of children’s literature. Still, Rob Zombie applies his reverse Midas touch and turns a good horror movie into a relentless parade of vile filth. Though I’m sure vile filth fans everywhere rejoiced, for the rest of humanity this was a giant leap backward.

Food of the Gods – I don’t mind the fakest giant chicken head ever recorded on film. I don’t mind Marjoe Gortner. I’m even willing to sit through the trampling of the works of H.G. Wells; goodness knows I’ve seen The War of the Worlds take a pummeling or two. But I see no reason why any living creature should have to die in pain just so trash like this could get made.

Untraceable – Despite a medium-sized budget, this thing does nothing but artlessly surf the torture porn wave. The opening sequence tortures a kitten to death, and things just go from there.

Meet the Feebles – He’s an epic movie director now, but Peter Jackson got his start by packing as much horribleness into his pictures as possible. However, he lacked the panache that John Waters once brought to this approach. While Waters took garbage and turned it into art, Jackson took garbage and turned it into garbage. This production is a case in point.

Pet Sematary 2 – As noted in the introduction to my movie reviews, I don’t have a lot of tolerance for violence aimed at animals or kids. The first Pet Sematary movie violated this rule with abandon, but at least it had a plot, a purpose and a Ramones song or two. This one is the worst parts of number one stretched out to the length of the entire picture, making it a nearly unendurable torment to watch.

Toys – I admit to having a special dislike of this movie for personal reasons: after seeing it in a theater, my friends and I emerged to find that the entire city had been coated by a massive ice storm. On our way home we got stuck behind a wall of stopped semis and had to spend the whole night on the highway. Sure, the ice wasn’t the movie’s fault. But it was a perfect complement to the awfulness of the production. Some of the Magritte-inspired art direction was okay, but the rest of it was stupid, mean-spirited dreadfulness. Even babies hate it. Though I wanted to have a review for every picture on the list, I simply couldn’t make myself sit through this again.

Review – Quantum of Solace

The Daniel Craig era continues in the Bond franchise with this production that’s very much akin to the previous one. The first half hour is almost nothing but chases and fights, which became tedious after awhile no matter how slickly they're produced. But once it settles down it isn’t a bad movie. Some of the reviews made this sound as if it was strongly tied to Casino Royale, but I felt the connection – while stronger than the nonexistent bond between most Bond movies – was still just a minor subplot. For the most part this is a typical, high-budget shoot-em-up of the caliber Bond fans tend to love. Mildly amusing

Review – The English Patient

So if one works hard enough at it, both war and sex can be rendered dull beyond description. They’ve got the cast (Ralph Fiennes, Juliette Binoche, Willem Dafoe, Kristin Scott Thomas, Naveen Andrews etc.) and they’ve got the art direction. But oh that awful script. The story ping-pongs back and forth between a nurse (Binoche) caring for a burn victim (Fiennes) with a mysterious past and that mysterious past unfolding ever so slowly. Is he a German spy? Is he the secret love of an officer’s wife (Thomas)? Is he an adulterer and a spy? The character development is bad enough that it’s hard to care. This is a pretty picture, but the visuals don’t make up for the weak writing and certainly don’t sustain the two-and-a-half-hour running time. See if desperate

My eight favorite fantasy movies

At the outset we should recognize that the word “fantasy” encompasses a wide range of sub-genres that can’t fairly be compared to one another. For example, one of the definitions I considered for “fantasy” – before I abandoned the quest for a definition and just went with my general sense of the genre’s boundaries – was “characters would be at home at the Renaissance Festival.” That works reasonably well for six of the movies in this set, but it would have unfairly excluded the one with an ancient Greek theme (not too many togas at RenFest) and probably the Sinbad picture as well.

Problems notwithstanding, however, the following eight movies should scratch the fantasy itch if and when it afflicts you.

 

The Princess Bride – The list begins and ends with comedies, which is apt because the genre can sometimes take itself a little too seriously and needs reminding that fantasies are supposed to be fun. And this one is. Sure, it’s goofy in places. But overall it’s a solid mix of clever jokes and swashbuckling action.

Jason and the Argonauts – Greek mythology and Ray Harryhausen. What more do you want? Sure, it isn’t exactly straight out of Bulfinch. But compared to most other Greek myth movies – particularly the various Iliads and Odysseys – it’s a real masterpiece. Even if you skip the whole rest of the movie, the skeleton army at the end would alone place the picture on this list.

The Golden Voyage of Sinbad – And as long as we’re paying tribute to Harryhausen, we might as well throw in one of his Sinbad movies as well. They’re all approximately equal in quality. Indeed, I almost put Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger on the list instead of this one. But like the Jason skeletons, the Kali statue battle is a not-to-be-missed genre moment.

Conan the Barbarian – I hate myself for loving this movie, but I do love it. John Milius and Arnold Schwarzenegger are the Robert E. Howard dream team, bringing Conan to the screen as effectively as possible. Of course it helped that the studio gave Milius enough of a budget to actually do a good job with it. A lot of fantasy movies are doomed from the outset by the lack of funds for the quality scripts and art direction that are so essential to creating a believable fantasy world. Look no further than this movie’s sequel if you need a good – make that bad – example.

Legend – As the title suggests, this is a “generic” genre piece. It has all the classic elements: a brave hero, a damsel in distress, an evil villain, a witch, goblins, fairies and of course unicorns. Oddly enough, it actually comes together fairly well. As noted in the review, you have two different versions of this movie to pick from, either of which should occupy a spot on the list.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – Just as the books are the ultimate achievement in fantasy literature, in many ways the movies are the acme of fantasy film-making. Though the third one won all the awards, I actually prefer the first episode. It features more character development, and plot twists tend to win the day over epic battle sequences. Still, any one of the three could have made the list.

Excalibur – Did I just call Tolkien the ultimate in fantasy storytelling? That distinction might also belong to Arthurian legend in all its many guises. Long before anyone ever heard of a Hobbit, King Arthur and his Round Table were the folks who would come instantly to mind whenever “knight in shining armor” came up in conversation. And here it gets a thorough Boorman-ing. As a movie it isn’t particularly good. But as a fantasy cheese-fest, it’s hard to beat.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail – And as long as we’re beating on poor King Arthur, we might as well finish up by turning Monty Python loose on him. You probably need at least some appreciation for both Medieval English legends and the Python comedy style, but if you like them both then you’ll find them well matched here.

Review – Clash of the Titans (2010)

Though I went into this experience with the specific intent of not comparing it to the original, I was almost immediately blown away by how inferior the effects were. I figured with all the sophisticated things film-makers can do with CGI, poor Ray Harryhausen’s work would look clunky in comparison. Sure, the new stuff is slick, but it has all the personality of a Playstation game. The Medusa sequence was particularly disappointing, nowhere near as well-assembled or scary as the original. I was also disappointed in the cast. I figured surpassing Harry Hamlin as Perseus wouldn’t take much doing, but cardboard cut-out Sam Worthington actually manages to fail at the task. The script was also a disappointment, quickly channeling the plot into blind alleys from which it escapes only by ridiculous contrivance. Overall this isn’t a movie as much as it’s a marketing mess, an awkward reanimation of the first version with Frankenstein-esque grafts of 300, Lord of the Rings and a few other popular pictures. See if desperate

Review – The Neptune Factor

I remember as a kid begging to be taken to see this movie. I must have had it confused with The Poseidon Adventure, though in retrospect I can’t imagine wanting to see that one either. A cast of recognizable faces (Ernest Borgnine, Walter Pidgeon, Yvette Mimieux, Ben Gazzara and the like) mostly phone in their performances in this odd little tale of a team sent to rescue an undersea lab that gets dragged into the ocean’s depths by an accident. Once their sub hits the bottom, we learn two interesting new things: first, everything’s brightly lit and second the ocean floor is populated with giant versions of aquarium fish. Watching these pet store refugees gamely pose for pictures next to a miniature sub is the most fun to be found in this otherwise dull picture. See if desperate

Review – Altered

The concept here is an interesting twist on the alien abduction theme: a quartet of former abductee rednecks capture a wayward alien out in the woods and prepare for some payback. Unfortunately, once the ball is rolling it doesn’t go anywhere in particular. Instead the plot – to the extent there is one – meanders around as the four fight with each other, a girlfriend and of course the alien itself. Because they don’t have the budget for good actors or decent effects, they probably should have stuck with a strong script rather than trying to pull off a gore fest. Further, whoever cut this down for Chiller replaced what I assume was “motherfucker” with “corn shucker,” which was ridiculous even for a bowdlerization. Mildly amusing

Review – The Visitors

This is a low-budget documentary about family members – mostly women – from New York City who band together to make the long bus ride to visit their loved ones in upstate prisons. The subject matter is interesting enough in a simple, human interest way. Unfortunately the production suffers from a host of technical problems. The sound quality is at best inconsistent and in places downright terrible. The editing is likewise mediocre, with no apparent effort made to cut the footage into much of a story. Perhaps someday someone will give this another try with better support from the behind-the-camera folks. Mildly amusing

Review – The Gift (2000)

What this movie lacks in script it makes up for in celebrities. Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reeves, Hillary Swank and Greg Kinnear are just four of the big names who play major roles in this production. A psychic (Blanchett) runs afoul of a man (Reeves) who’s angry that she advised his wife (Swank) to leave him. Then she has a vision suggesting that the creep is responsible for the murder of another woman. From there things follow a twisting, turning and yet largely predictable “psychic detective story” course. Oddly I was in the mood for something slick-yet-dumb, so I ended up enjoying it more than I normally would have. Otherwise this sports a brief Katie Holmes nude scene and not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – Being Lincoln: Men with Hats

As “Hey, look at the crazy people” documentaries go, this one isn’t too terrible. As the title suggests, the picture focuses on guys who dress up like Abraham Lincoln. Apparently this involves a range of activities from grade school appearances to an annual get-together complete with a Linc-off to determine the year’s best Honest Abe. The impersonators are sufficiently different from one another that you can give them nicknames as you go, such as “Fat Lincoln” or “Young Lincoln” or “Crazy Lincoln” (actually, that last one probably applies to more than one). The one thing that surprised me – and set this crowd apart from fringe folk profiled in other movies – is that they seem to lack the nasty competitiveness of superhero-beggars and Scrabble junkies. Indeed, when they get together they actually seem to help each other out, sharing wrong-size jackets, used hats and the like. In the words of the great man himself, “party on, dudes!” Mildly amusing

The Quest for Saturday Mornings

Gather ‘round, kids. Let me tell you the story of Saturday mornings.

Once upon a time, Saturday mornings were for cartoons. This was in the ancient days of the 60s and 70s, when TV networks dictated people’s lives instead of the other way around. There were only three of them back then, so if they all showed cartoons on a particular day at a particular time, then that’s what was on.

Fortunately, the system had a certain logic to it. Parents got a little time to themselves – sleep off the post-Friday-night hangover or whatever – while the electronic babysitter took care of the kids for a couple of hours. Of course in my family’s house the routine in the kitchen was as certain as the animation on the tube: my dad insisted on pancakes every Saturday morning, so like clockwork my mom made them for everyone. To this day the image of Scooby Doo and the taste of maple syrup are firmly linked in my sense memory.

To be sure, a host of cartoon classics crossed the cathode ray tubes of my childhood. The Bugs Bunny Roadrunner Show, The Pink Panther, Scooby Doo and many others all deserve their own spots on the blog (and perhaps someday they’ll get them). But recently I got a reminder of one of my all-time favorites that I had nearly forgotten.

While prowling the aisles of Hollywood at Home, I happened to glance up at the TV in the corner. The hipsters who ride the counter like to play kitschy, retro stuff, and disc they just happened to be playing was Jonny Quest.

For those unfamiliar with the series, here are the basics. Jonny Quest began life on ABC in prime time starting in the fall of 1964. That was a wee bit before my time, so it was my good luck that after cancellation the series moved to the Saturday morning line-up and ran in syndication on different networks for several years after the show died.

As the title suggests, the star of the show is a boy named Jonny. Although his mom is dead, he lives a pretty sweet life for a mid-60s pre-teen kid. His father is Dr. Benton Quest, a brilliant scientist with connections all over the world. Dad’s work takes him to exotic locales and involves him in adventure after adventure. And as if the travel and the thrills aren’t enough for one kid, Jonny also benefits from the constant protection of Race Bannon, a government agent assigned to look after the boy so his dad doesn’t have to worry.

However, the primary relationship in the series is the friendship between Jonny and his adopted brother Hadji. The Quests picked him up during an adventure in India, and he proved to be a natural fit. As an extra added bonus, he can do magic tricks.

And speaking of tricks, the ensemble is rounded out by Bandit, the family’s talented dog. Though he’s used primarily for comic relief, every once in awhile he plays a significant role in the drama.

Most of the stories are driven by Dr. Quest’s job. He seems to have expertise in just about every imaginable realm of science, making him a great asset not only to his colleagues in research but also to the military (hence the assignment of Race to his household). So anytime the government needs someone to design a new ray gun or investigate suspicious missile activity, Quest is the go-to guy. He also seems to be acquainted with a lot of scientists with penchants for getting into trouble and requiring rescue from criminals, angry locals or even monsters of their own making.

When it was created, the main attraction of the series was its realism. This was one of the earliest experiments Hanna-Barbera ever tried with animation that actually looked like real people, quite a departure from previous successes such as The Flintstones and The Jetsons. The less-stylized drawings proved to be harder to keep on model, and motion was frequently over-simplified. The over-use of cels wouldn’t have drawn much attention in a traditional cartoon, but the closeness of the animation to live action shows tended to invite sometimes-unfavorable comparison.

The stories were also a great deal more realistic; while many depended on science fiction or semi-supernatural elements, they were at least plausible and contemporary. Individual plot elements – particularly violence – closely mirrored what might have been expected from live-action adventure productions at the time, particularly the James Bond series. Though it never came anywhere near the gore levels of later shows – especially Japanese products – it wasn’t Daffy-just-readjusts-his-bill slapstick either. The bad guys had it especially rough, frequently suffering fates ranging from gunshot wounds to boiling to crushing to animal attacks and so on.

The show’s realism proved to be its undoing in more ways than one. Though the art was interesting to look at, it was expensive to produce. At the time cheap Japanese or Korean animation sweatshops weren’t an option, and American union artists were expensive enough to make the cost prohibitive. So even though the series was popular with critics and got good ratings, it was canceled after only one season. ABC – at the time a poor cousin to NBC and CBS – simply couldn’t afford the upkeep.

Even in reruns, the show’s non-cartoony treatment of violence made it a magnet for criticism. In the late 60s and early 70s, pressure groups zeroed in on the bad influence violent programs had on children. In the age of Bobo doll experiments, a show in which bad guys openly bit the dust was a natural tender spot.

From the perspective of a grown-up in the 21st century, the violence isn’t all that troublesome. However, other elements that wouldn’t have seemed too out-of-place 40 years ago now raise more than an eyebrow.

Primary among these is the rampant racism that infects the whole series. Almost all of the bad guys have foreign accents of one kind or another. White villains tend to sound Russian or occasionally British (though class-wise they’re clearly more Eliza Dolittle than Winston Churchill). But the really shocking ones are the East Asians. Though the words “Yellow Menace” are never explicitly used, the flavor of Fu Manchu infuses Asian characters from semi-regular nemesis Dr. Zin down to one-time-only baddies such as Dr. Ashida.

“Uncivilized” antagonists don’t fare much better. The Quests occasionally find themselves at odds with indigenous people, who get treated pretty much like animals. Oh, and quick side-note: some of the stories are hard on the animal kingdom as well.

Though such cringe-worthy crap is impossible to defend, it’s important to keep in mind that racism and sexism wouldn’t have seemed at all out of place to mass audiences in 1964 (as the show’s solid ratings proved). We’re talking about a world in which an Ivy-League-educated professor expected his wife to fix pancakes every Saturday morning. That doesn’t excuse the bigotry, but it does at least help explain it.

Further, in some ways Jonny Quest was ahead of its time. While sometimes terribly rough on the critters, in other places the Quests pass up obvious opportunities for cruelty. Even when it was being unflattering, it was sometimes at least honestly so. Few other children’s programs before or since would have featured elements such as genetic engineering and Pan-Arabism, however politically incorrect the presentation was.

Hadji also proves to be something of an conundrum. On the one hand, he’s a cartoon caricature of an Indian person. On the other hand, he’s a cartoon. Yes, it would be nice if his heritage didn’t apparently endow him with a natural ability to perform “the mysterious magic of the Orient.” But he frequently comes across as smarter and more trustworthy than the lazy, devil-may-care Jonny.

Despite all the pluses and minuses, I like this series because of pleasant childhood memories. Boomerang shows it on a regular basis in the wee hours of the morning, and my Tivo helped me time-shift it to a more convenient schedule. Sure, I had a few oh-my-god moments with the racism and all. But overall it was a pleasant experience.

I suspect that it’s almost pure nostalgia, because I’ve never had any luck with subsequent Quest incarnations. There was a second attempt at a series back in the 80s, and a cheap feature-length or two since then. But they just don’t evoke the flavor of pancakes like the first set.

Review – Black Ops

I almost skipped over this one in the movie listings, assuming it would be just another mediocre action movie. However, what it turned out to be was just another mediocre horror movie. They try an everything-but-the-kitchen-sink approach, tossing in Navy commandos, a ghost ship, a genetically-engineered Nazi superman and a ton of other plot gimmicks of similar ilk. But with a script this bad and production values this straight-to-video, this one’s doomed from the start. See if desperate

Review – The Mangler Reborn

Hey, you know what would make the whole Mangler franchise way better? The bald guy from Phantasm and one of the most annoying soundtracks ever in the entire history of sound movies. Actually, “annoying” sells the experience well short. The “music” in this stinker is so much like a synthesized version of nails on a chalkboard that at first I thought something was wrong with my TV’s speakers. I finally had to mute the damn thing just to make it through to the end. The story is some crap about a deranged maintenance worker who’s re-assembled a monster machine in his basement, where he feeds it kidnapped teenage girls. Along come a couple of inept robbers who learn the villain’s nasty little secret just in time to do nothing about it. From there blood flows like Wal-Mart was having a massive sale on Karo syrup and red food coloring. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Beyond Re-Animator

And at this point beyond my ability to sit through any more Re-Animator movies. Herbert West, now behind bars for his various and sundry crimes, is able to revive his “research” thanks to the assistance of the new prison physician, Dr. Howard Phillips (yeah, really). This picture starts out hard on the rats and ends up hard on just about everyone, including the audience. Especially the audience. Extra added bonus: a sexual assault even more brutal than the one in the original (though mercifully somewhat shorter). And the piece de resistance (and I do mean resistance) is the battle between the zombie rat and reanimated penis that adorns the end credits. Now that’s something everyone involved can be proud of. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Cocoanuts

This is the first feature movie to star the Marx Brothers, an auspicious beginning that occurred so far back that “talkies” had barely been invented. The story basics are the same standard stuff. Groucho snarks. Harpo and Chico clown. Harpo and Chico ply their skills as musicians. And sprinkled throughout are dull musical numbers, this time around written by Irving Berlin. Because this movie was made so early in the sound era, it’s more than a little rough around the edges. Still, the guys’ humor shines through. Mildly amusing