See what you missed?

Last Thursday the Macy’s Day Parade once again graced our nation’s airwaves. Though it’s probably the dumbest holiday ritual on my annual list – and one that Amy wisely sleeps through every year – I just can’t make it through Thanksgiving without my yearly dose of the moral equivalent of those perky kids from Up With People astride the Colgate-Palmolive “World of Soap” float.

Once a year I just have an uncontrollable, irrational need for a little bit of New York pizzazz right here in God’s Country. I remember my mom telling me once that when she was a girl she thought the Macy’s in Wichita was the biggest place in the whole world. And of course for awhile the store in NYC actually was the biggest until it was eclipsed by a Soviet store (a competition that's the moral equivalent of “whose toe swells up biggest when hit with a hammer?”).

The parade coverage on both CBS and NBC appeared to be par for the course, the usual combination of floats, balloons, The What Else Could Your High School Have Done with All That Money Marching Band, The Spirit of Horses Who Would Rather Be Somewhere Else Mounted Drill Team, musical numbers, idle chit-chat and shots that linger a moment or two before cutting away to a cheerleader who didn’t get dropped.

I say “appeared to be” because this year for the first time I turned the sound off almost the whole time lest I awaken my spouse in the room across the hall. Overall it was a vast improvement. In fact, I only had to turn the sound up twice: once during a musical number (just because it wasn’t immediately obvious who or what it was) and once for an appearance by the Mach 5 (I had to make sure it didn’t herald the advent of another Speed Racer movie, which thankfully it didn’t).

And as usual, the parade had something for everyone. Indeed, it even catered to people who wouldn’t seem like they’d be a real big audience segment. Such as these folks:

For people who wondered what the “America” number from West Side Story would be like if it was performed by only the female half of the cast: The female half of the cast performing “America” from West Side Story.

For people who make sacrifices to Satan in order to ensure that someone somewhere is still performing Hair: Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in.

For anyone monitoring the progress of women’s ongoing struggle to be treated as anything besides body parts: The continued existence of the Radio City Rockettes.

For fans of George Romero: The non-Muppet cast of Sesame Street, particularly perpetual bachelor Bob.

For fans of both George Romero and Barbie: Cyndi Lauper riding some kind of pink princess nightmare float.

For people who savor the inappropriate combination of sponsor and float: The Hamburger Helper People Trying to Get a Cat Out of a Tree float.

For people for whom the combination of Hamburger Helper and a cat wasn’t sufficiently inappropriate: American Idol veteran Katharine McPhee bleached beyond recognition on the Jimmy Dean Happy Rainbow What Kind of Hallucinogens Are They Putting in That Sausage? float.

For rotten people who savor the humiliation of talented performers: Poor Alan Cummings struttin’ his stuff on the Broadway-show-theme-M&Ms float.

For people still struggling with the distinction between “minimalist” and “cheap”: Soup darlings Yo Gabba Gabba riding a “platforms on a flatbed” float.

For people who just can’t get enough of those wacky old folks: The Purple Pedalers, a team of older women on big tricycles with stuffed animals on the handlebars.

For fans of the “Really? with Seth and Amy” segment on “Weekend Update”: Ziggy Marley? Really?

And finally, for people seeking video that’s begging to be digitized, synced up with inappropriate music and posted on Youtube: The Mike Miller Dance Team giant Slinky (tm) routine.