Review – Resident Evil: Apocalypse

If you liked the first one, odds are you’re going to like this one too. Of course you might not; this one’s a little more plot-free than the original. But it’s still the basic video-game, zombie-blasting, brainless horror action formula. Both Mila Jovovich and some kind of a super-zombie apparently called a Nemesis have been genetically manipulated by the dreaded Umbrella Corporation, and most of the other characters and plot-lines come across as mere backdrop to battles between this pair. Some of the effects are okay, but otherwise it doesn’t have much going for it. See if desperate

Review – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

This is the movie I expected to get when I rented Elf. And just as I was pleasantly surprised when Elf turned out to be somewhat entertaining, I was unpleasantly reminded here of what crimes against humor Will Ferrell is capable of perpetrating. The plot’s some trite nonsense about a local news anchor in the 1970s coming to grips with a female co-worker. But the story’s beside the point. Sadly, the main purpose of this sad production is a relentless showcase for jokes that might charitably be described as quirky but would be more aptly called moronic. This also features a heapin’ helpin’ of that old SNL standby: when the joke doesn’t work, just keep doing it and dragging it out and doing it some more, hoping to draw a laugh out of the audience’s sheer embarrassment. That rarely works live and certainly doesn’t work here. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Dodgeball

I didn’t hate this as much as I thought I was going to. Sure, it’s every bit as stupid as you’d expect a Ben Stiller movie about dodgeball to be. But the lack of expectation actually helps make some of the humor a little easier to take. Don’t get me wrong, though. This is a cliché-clogged parade of brainless gags if ever there was one. Further, it’s got more than just a touch of Stiller’s trademark awkwardness that’s supposed to be funny but rarely works. Still, if you don’t expect much out of it then at least some of the production will provide a bit of mindless fun. It’s also somewhat better on DVD because of the alternate ending joke. Mildly amusing

Review – The True Meaning of Pictures

This documentary on Shelby Lee Adams’ photographs of the people who live in poverty in the Appalachians benefits from its subject matter but suffers in just about every other respect. I guess Adams’ photos are kinda interesting, though in more than one of them it looks like he’s treating his subjects like zoo animals being placed on exhibit for their other-ness (especially the snake handlers). But his work is worth a look, at least. The commentary, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as welcome. Photos – and any other work of art, for that matter – should be presented to the viewer, who is then left to make what she or he will of them. If the artist intended to convey a message that isn’t ultimately conveyed, then that’s weak art. Adding a parcel of East Coast intellectuals sniping at this aspect or that of the photographer’s work adds nothing to the experience. Worse, it detracts from the power of the film by adding an annoying element. Mildly amusing

Review – King Arthur

Here we have the classic tale re-set in early Christian, Roman England. Arthur is a Roman officer, and his knights are draftees from Eastern Europe. Our heroes forge an alliance with Scottish natives when the whole bunch is threatened by a Saxon invasion. That sounds like it might make a thought-provoking movie, but in truth the historical trappings are little more than window-dressing for an average Jerry Bruckheimer action flick. Some of the fight scenes are okay – though I saw only the director’s cut and thus can’t say how it compares to the theatrical release in the violence department. However, those expecting a more straightforward retelling a la Mallory and company may come away disappointed. Mildly amusing

Review – Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Them big snakes is at it again. There’s some mish-mash in here about a scientific expedition searching for a flower that may prove to be the fountain of youth, but really it’s just an excuse to drop a group of Americans into a jungle full of big, computer-animated reptiles. I guess they’re supposed to be vicious and all, but it’s almost hard not to feel sorry for them in the end given that their human opponents just spent the last hour and a half making themselves as unsympathetic as possible. See if desperate

Review – Punk Rock Holocaust

How much fun can we have watching latter-day “punk” bands being killed by a guy in a scarf and goggles? I’d guess maybe 30 minutes or so. There’s a measure of charm to this light-hearted spoof of slasher movies, particularly the decision to yank out any semblance of plot and just have bands and fans relentlessly slaughtered. The cheesy effects are kinda fun as well. It also helped that the bands were acts from the Warped Tour, so at least some of them were recognizable. So that’s a half an hour worth of solid entertainment. Trouble was, this thing went on for three times that long without ever sprouting much of a plot or a purpose. On the other hand, it was just about as amusing in fast forward (maybe even more so). Indeed, it might have gotten a slightly higher rating if it hadn’t come across as big ad for the tour and its corporate sponsors. See if desperate

Review – P2

Here we go again. A workaholic woman trying to escape the office and get home to her family on Christmas Eve ends up trapped in the building’s parking garage by a psycho stalker security guard. The set-up takes 20 minutes or so, and from there on out the only plot this thing manages is an endless parade of how’s-she-going-to-fail-to-escape over and over. Indeed, in a couple of spots I thought briefly that the Netflix download had skipped somehow, because the script came so preposterously close to repeating itself. The picture might have edged a point for production values – at least it wasn’t too cheap – but then our heroine kills the stalker’s dog with a crowbar. She had provocation, but still. And if you’re about to ask me why I watch movies like this if I hate them so much, my only defense is that Instant View makes it really, really easy. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Men Who Killed Kennedy

So the Warren Commission’s pepper was full of fly shit. Who knew? Seriously, this is a laborious, six-part (five shot in the late 80s plus a follow-up made for the History Channel) dissection of every little angle of the Kennedy assassination. The evidence points to some sort of conspiracy to shoot the President and/or cover up some aspects of the killing. I’d be the last to argue against the notion that something fishy seemed to have been going on back in 1963. But many of the characters interviewed for this series seem to have spent so much time obsessing over small problems that they’ve lost track of the need for the big picture. Further, some have gotten so caught up in their “angles” that they can’t see how bizarre their conclusions have become. On the other hand, the documentary becomes all the more entertaining thanks to the inclusion of the ranters and the weepers and other assorted crazies. A lot of the old footage is interesting too. Mildly amusing

Review – The Lion in Winter

Wow, and I thought get-togethers with my family at Christmas were bad. At least nobody (as far as I know) in my family ever sat around plotting to kill one another. Not so, apparently, with Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitane and their sons. The script is the major defect in this production; it plays like a play, which of course is precisely what it was before it was brought with insufficient adaptation to the silver screen. Further, the dialogue rockets back and forth between mushy and biting so rapidly that it almost becomes the medieval, royal version of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe? The acting’s hammy, but it would almost be disappointing if that wasn’t so. And certainly in terms of gender relations it’s very much a creature of its own times. Mildly amusing

Review – Gothic

Ken Russell puts his unmistakable thumbprint all over this terrifically terrible movie loosely based on the weekend that gave birth to the original Frankenstein story. Gabriel Byrne and Julian Sands do battle to see who can ham it up the worst, though ultimately the title has to go to Myriam Cyr as Claire, Mary Shelly’s half-sister. I suppose there might have been half a concept here; fears so concentrated that they become real is almost believable in the romantic, gothic realm of the poets in question. There’s also some solid erotic horror potential in here as well. But Russell brings his usual aplomb with female characters to full bear, and that alone is enough to kill the production. Throw in an unusually disjointed script and all you’re really left with on the plus side is a lengthy parade of the director’s distinctive visual style, sometimes entertaining but not enough on its own to sustain a picture of this length. See if desperate

Review – Gosford Park

This seems to be the sort of film Eddie Izzard was making fun of during the “English movies” part of his “Dress to Kill” performance. Except of course this is an American production. Robert Altman serves up another ensemble cast up against a script that’s part funny, part mystery and all mediocre. Though it has a couple of amusing moments, it generally doesn’t work as a comedy. And the mystery is too easy to unravel; if I got it as early as I did then it wouldn’t be much of a challenge at all to serious mystery buffs. The acting’s good, but the rest of the movie’s more disposable than I’d like for a couple of hours’ worth of dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Rage

Boy did I ever learn some interesting stuff from this movie. The first surprise was that Jello Biafra was still alive after all these years (or at least he was still sucking air in 2000 when this documentary was made). The second revelation was even more astounding: before spending an hour of my life on this, I had no idea how boring punk rock was. I always thought it was about enjoying life, about challenging social norms, about … well … just about anything besides this. After all these years it’s a tremendous disappointment to see that some of the seminal figures of the west coast punk scene don’t have anything more to say for themselves other than feeble protests about how they never sold out. I know the genre relies heavily on its attitude, but this seems to be nothing but. I was hoping for more. See if desperate

Review – Panic Room

Here’s the claustrophobic thriller taken to its ultimate degree as Jodie Foster and her sickly child end up trapped in a “panic room” while housebreakers outside try to figure out a way in. I guess it’s just her bad luck that what the thieves want is in the people vault with her. If only she’d remembered to get the emergency phone connected. And so on go the plot twists, each serving more to keep the story running rather than pointing it in any particular direction. It’s kind of like watching the end of a chess game where both players are down to a couple of pieces and slowly maneuver around each other trying to come up with a kill without being killed or stalemated. I guess a lot of movies do the same thing, but the taste becomes overpowering in such a closed environment. Mildly amusing

Review – Hofmann’s Potion

Here’s a documentary that manages to tell only the most uninteresting parts of the history of LSD. The show starts with a little coverage of Alfred Hofmann’s discovery of the psychoactive qualities of a lab chemical he accidentally ingested. That part would have been better if it hadn’t been so short (indeed, the teaser info for this movie on Netflix implied that this would be a more prominent focus). Instead this is but a brief prologue to an extended study of psychiatric experiments and pop culture explorations. So what we end up with is a lot of Timothy Leary, Ram Dass and shrinks playing around with the “consciousness expanding” aspects of acid rather than its more interesting uses. And only the briefest mention of the U.S. government’s entanglements with the stuff. In other words, if you want the hippie take on LSD, go ask a hippie. It’s cheaper, faster, and more fragrant that way. See if desperate

Review – Madonna: Truth or Dare

Funny how some movies change over time. I remember seeing this when it first came out and walking away from the experience more than a little annoyed with the cruel injustice of any universe that could allow such a creature to accumulate such money, fame and power. Over the years I expect Madonna has grown richer, though perhaps a touch less influential in the process. Watching it again with hindsight about her lost relevance makes it a lot easier to take her egotistical, juvenile behavior “back in the day.” This extra added measure of emotional detachment also helps make this an interesting portrait of the backstage doings during a major concert tour. Still, it’s a bit more fun with Julie Brown’s parody as a chaser. Mildly amusing

Review – Julius Caesar (2004)

Unless you have an allergy to TNT historical drama (and who doesn’t develop a touch of hay fever around these things?), this is a relatively painless way to pick up a little first century B.C. Roman history. The story follows its title subject from his flight from Rome to escape Sulla all the way to the Ides of March. The acting isn’t great, with Christopher Walken turning in an especially odd performance as Cato and nobody else exactly experiencing a finest three hours either. Script and production values are par for the basic cable course. The one thing I did like was that Calpurnia (played by Valeria Golino) was finally allowed to work up a righteous state of pissed off over Cleopatra. Mildly amusing

Review – Mean Girls

Alas, apparently a Hollywood movie about teenagers even when written by someone talented like Tina Fey still turns out to be a Hollywood movie about teenagers. This has a few moments along the lines of Clueless or 10 Things I Hate About You. But for the most part it’s a thick message piece about how much nicer high school would be (or would have been, for those of us a few blissful years removed from the experience) if everyone had just made the effort not to be mean. Mildly amusing

Review – Outfoxed

Okay, here’s the problem with this documentary: calling Rupert Murdoch a conservative ideologue is kind of like insisting that a prostitute loved screwing you so much that she gave your money back. There are millions of people out there – particularly if recent election results are any indication – who don’t want to hear reports that the United States is doing the wrong thing by pursuing George W. Bush’s agendas at home and abroad. And the brutal truth of the matter is that the money in closed-minded conservatives’ pockets is just as green as anyone else’s. Fox News feeds the need. But it’s no greater affront to truth and justice than any other business catering to a niche market (and again, this is a really large niche). This video does a good job of making the case that Fox doesn’t supply responsible journalism. But then again, that’s not really what they’re there for. The great – and I suspect unintended – irony of the movie comes at the end when one of the media critics suggests we should all do the “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore” thing, ignoring the fact that Network was a tongue-in-cheek yet eerily-accurate prediction of the precise news-as-entertainment attitude that has become Fox’s hallmark. Fair and accurate indeed. Mildly amusing

Review – Road to Perdition

The atmosphere is the big star of this odd movie based on a comic book. Indeed, the decision to employ big-name Hollywood types such as Tom Hanks, Paul Newman and Jude Law almost detracts from the indie feel of the production. The story is a wintery tale of a hit man for a small-town syndicate (which apparently is somehow connected to Al Capone). Things go awry thanks to the crooked son of the local boss, and our hero’s family – except for his eldest boy – ends up murdered. Father and son take to the road, running from a psycho contract killer while trying to find a way to get back at the villain and the mob protecting him. The result is a mix of interesting crime drama and syrupy sweet bonding/coming-of-age flick. I found the driving lesson scene especially hard to take thanks to a similar episode from my own childhood. But that aside, this was a fun watch for a cold afternoon. Mildly amusing

Review – Elf

This was the best two thirds of a Christmas movie I’ve seen in quite awhile. I’m not the biggest fan Will Ferrell ever had, and the premise – human raised by Santa’s elves seeks reunion with his biological father – seems more than a little silly. So I came into this expecting to hate it. But it swiftly won me over. The script was good, filled with quite a stock of amusing moments. Ferrell was his usual self, but even that kinda worked within the context of the movie. However, in the third act the production massively loses direction. It seemed like it ran out of wit and tried to skate through the final half hour on many of the same Christmas movie clichés that had been gently mocked up to that point. That’s really too bad, because if this show had just managed a stronger finish it would have been worth watching. Mildly amusing

Review – Tomb of the Werewolf

Once and for all I wish the damn video store would quit stocking movies like this. For many a year now I’ve been old enough to go out and rent or buy as much pornography as I want (however little that might be). That’s real, actual pornography, not sliced-up soft-core like this. Because when you cut the smut out of stupid smut, you aren’t left with much besides, well, stupid. There’s some kind of an excuse for a plot here, a mishmash about Elizabeth Bathory, a werewolf curse, and so on. But it never amounts to more than an excuse to move from sex scene to sex scene. Except of course in the version I saw the sex scenes had been almost entirely removed, making the experience more than a little like recording a TV show and then fast-forwarding through the program so you could watch the commercials. Not that adding a bunch of tiresome fake sex would have made it a better movie. It’s just that watching porn stars try to act always provokes in me as a sad mental picture of the days when these folks first showed up in California thinking they were going to be big movie stars rather than screwing for money on cheap, straight-to-video productions like this. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Alamo

Two hours and they never once went down to the basement to check for Pee wee’s bike. Instead we get a western-mythologized production of the famous battle, a version unlikely to win any accuracy prizes or sell many tickets in Mexican theaters. But if that’s what you’re in the mood for, this is a solid example thereof. I was especially impressed by the battle scenes. They’re not the most realistic depictions of violence I’ve ever seen, but it’s hard not to admire the elaborate choreography and expensive effects. Acting, script and direction are all in keeping with what might expect from a production of this caliber. See if desperate

Review – Man on Fire

The revenge flick seems to have undergone some changes in the wake of Sept. 11. This probably isn’t the time or the place for an in-depth discussion of the new trends, so for now suffice it to say that this particular movie is a great example of at least one of the new key elements: heightened levels of brutality used by the “good guys” against the villains. The set-up here is elaborate, with director Tony Scott devoting around an hour to establishing a tight bond between a burned-out clandestine operative (ably played by Denzel Washington) and the poor little rich girl (Dakota Fanning) he’s been hired to protect. His role switches from bodyguard to replacement for her absentee businessman father just in time for him to fail to save her from kidnappers. Then the vengeance begins, and it’s vicious stuff. The sad part is just how emotionally satisfying this simplistic action/reaction turns out to be. The script isn’t the best, and the production is plagued throughout by the Scott brothers’ usual visual high jinks. That aside, this is an entertaining bit of violent fluff. Mildly amusing

Review – The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

I guess I can kinda see why James Thurber would have offered the studio $10,000 to not make a movie out of his short story about a daydreaming wimp. Actual espionage intrigue, a happy ending, and of course the musical numbers lead this picture considerably astray from the tale upon which it is loosely based. Further, this swiftly becomes a vehicle for Danny Kaye’s usual antics (but then, what Danny Kaye movie doesn’t?). So if that’s what you’re in the mood for, then you’re in the right place. Kaye is in fine form here. And though you have to ignore more than a little 40’s-era sexism, this is still sort of a fun production. I remember really loving it as a kid, for what it’s worth. Mildly amusing

Review – Garfield

All the charm – or lack of same – of the comic strip cat translates to a computer-animated version for the big screen. Bill Murray was the perfect choice to voice the obnoxious feline, and the rest of the cast does a fine job in their cartoony roles as well. I suppose you should seriously be in the mood for such goofy crap before you sit down to watch this, and for many people that mood might never strike. I further think I might have enjoyed it if I hadn’t watched it shortly after seeing Shrek 2 for the first time. The animated orange cat in that one was way better than here. That aside, however, if you don’t expect too much going in then you won’t be disappointed coming out. Mildly amusing

Review – Shrek 2

Though this lags behind the original in the charm department, it makes up for its typical sequel shortcomings by being a bit more technically impressive. I particularly liked the addition of Puss in Boots (voiced by Antonio Banderas), who fairly clearly stole the show. The cat aside, my favorite parts of this production were mostly the little things, such as Tom Waits briefly voicing a piano-playing Captain Hook. The limits of video made it hard to pick up on some of the background detail – particularly the parody store signs in Far Far Away. But the DVD includes some entertaining special features (including an interactive American Idol parody) that help make up for the lack of resolution in the NTSC signal. Worth seeing

Review – 13 Seconds

Yeah, I’m willing to bet that there are 13 seconds or so worth of entertainment in this movie. Too bad it was feature length. Like many other low-budget horror movies that came before it – and no doubt many more that will follow after – this production relies almost exclusively on bad gore to keep it moving. Though a couple of the splatter set-ups were bush-leagues cool, they don’t sustain the entire production. And the really dumb thing with this one is that it was set up to borrow a concept from Rod Serling’s “Night Gallery” series, but even such a solid foundation wasn’t enough to support the usual dreadful trappings of the witless fright flick. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Normally a romance wouldn’t draw too much attention from me. But throw in some brain erasing and a certain indie charm, and I actually ended up liking this production. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslett are having relationship trouble, so she decides to go to a strange new service that erases all memory of him from her mind. Understandably upset when he finds out, he follows suit. But midway through the procedure he changes his mind and begins a battle within his own memories to preserve her. Some of the effects used to create the disintegrating memories were sort of fun, pleasantly understated for the most part. I was a bit bemused by the Kirsten Dunst sub-plot while it unfolded, but in the end it turned out to have more of a point than it looked like it was going to have. And yeah, in spots it works the whole “quirky” thing a little too hard. But overall this is an enjoyable if moody little tale about the prevalence of love. Worth seeing

Review – The Day After Tomorrow

Gosh darn that global warming! All of a sudden the whole face of the earth ends up covered by giant super-storms, sort of tornado-tsunami-hurricane-sudden-freezing all wrapped up into one. Some of the effects are kinda cool, making it fun to watch LA ravaged by tornados or New York buried under walls of water and then sheets of ice. The twin troubles here are that the massive destruction sequences are front-loaded, leaving little for the back half of the movie. And beyond the flashy graphics there just isn’t that much to this production. The premise is shaky, the script poor, motivations often murky at best, the performances mostly mailed in. So keep your finger on the fast forward, and buzz past any part where nothing’s being destroyed. See if desperate

Review – Time Code

100% concept. The idea here is intriguing: use a split-screen that lets the audience watch four different (yet intertwined) narratives at once. Keep all four cameras rolling at once, and don’t cut for 90 minutes or so as an ensemble cast of minor glitterati improv around a loosely-structured script. Oh, and throw in two or three minor earthquakes just to keep things synced up. Sure, there’s a focus problem here and there, but for the most part this is an impressive piece of technical film-making. The problem here lies in the stories. None of the plotlines amounts to much more than little tales of the sad lives of vaguely-dissatisfied Los Angelinos. And unfortunately, four uninteresting stories playing at once don’t automatically add up to one interesting overall picture. On the other hand, if you saw this in a theater then you might want to take a second look at the DVD; it includes a feature that allows you to select the audio you want to follow rather than go with the director’s choice. Mildly amusing

Review – Deathwatch

Boy was I ever set up to love this movie. I guess they probably had me at the premise: something evil lurks in an abandoned trench during World War One, and a squad of British soldiers stumbles into it. That’s enough like the “Weird War” comics I thrived on as a child to get my attention here. One by one the soldiers are driven mad and/or killed by the dark force that never really takes physical form anywhere in the movie (though it does do some cool stuff with barbed wire in a couple of places). Thus we get the subtlety of a non-effects-intensive horror flick but still retain enough of the visceral to keep things interesting. It also shares an advantage with The Thing: an all-male cast limits the misogyny endemic to the genre. My only gripe – and it’s a comparatively minor one – is that the story seems to run out of tricks somewhere in the middle and then start to do variations on a theme to keep the movie going until the players are whittled away. Oh, and with trench mud all over everyone half the time, the actors were sometimes a little hard to tell apart. Otherwise this one was a keeper. Worth seeing

Review – The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

I have to admit that the first time I saw this I didn’t exactly go into it with “oh boy, a movie about drag queens” on my mind. Thus I was pleasantly surprised when the picture turned out to be genuinely entertaining, charming in a not-too-cutesy sort of way. The casting was certainly an interesting bit of business, with one of the three lead queens a veteran of one of the Superman flicks and the other two destined to go on to make action movies of their own. But for now all do a great job with the sarcastic humor and occasionally-excessive sentiment. If nothing else, the ping pong ball sequence alone makes this worth seeing. And much of the rest of the movie keeps up the same quirky tone. Worth seeing

Review – The Stepford Wives (2004)

I didn’t expect this picture to be quite as silly as it turned out to be. It isn’t that I needed anything quite as grim as the original, but this went a little too far in the opposite direction. The cast does a good job and all, but the script doesn’t give them too much to work with. You just can’t make a movie about men who replace their wives with robots and have it turn out to be this happy. On the other hand, I should confess that thanks to a DVD glitch I missed a little of the character exposition early on. Mildly amusing

Review – Seven

Style triumphs over substance in this serial killer thriller. Almost everything in this movie – from the killer’s artistic mania down to the cops’ personality quirks – appear to be designed to facilitate the use of murky, jump-cut visuals. The result is something that looks really cool (though upon re-viewing many years later, more than a little dated) but doesn’t pack a lot of substance. Some of the “seven deadly sins” killings have a certain horribleness to them, but even that’s undone when the monomaniacal murderer deviates from his pattern in order to directly threaten his pursuers. The cast features big names like Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt and Kevin Spacey, though it isn’t really a finest-moment for any of them. Mildly amusing

Review – UK/DK

No Jello Biafra here, but plenty of other punk performances. This documentary provides an occasionally-interesting snapshot of the punk scene in London in the mid 80s. Some of the bands featured in performance aren’t all that good, but some of them aren’t too bad. The lip-synching is a little hard to get used to, but maybe it seemed more, well, punk in the days before Milli Vanilli. The DVD also comes with “Holidays in the Sun,” video shot at a concert in 1996 that featured several “old school” punk bands in all their middle-aged splendor. Mildly amusing

Review – The Eyes of Tammy Faye

I honestly feel sorry for this woman. Watching Tammy Fay interact with a camera is like watching your alcoholic cousin – the one who just got out of rehab for the fifth or sixth time – at a family reunion, sitting in the corner and slowly nursing a beer. She’s been bit by stardom several times, and she just knows she ought to leave it alone. But she just can’t. I thought the early footage of the Jim and Tammy Show – especially the puppets – was fascinating stuff. But once the story gets to the scandal that toppled the Bakker empire, it’s mostly old news. However, it was nice that at least the production was reasonably sympathetic to this simplistic woman and her apparent need for attention. Mildly amusing

Review – Queens Logic

It came from the 80s, though with any luck perhaps someday we’ll find a way to send it back there. For the most part this is a set of off-Broadway intelligentsia playing out an empty-headed fantasy about how the lower middle class from Queens must live. It’s also a lot of nonsense about men and their collective fear of commitment. The result is little more than two hours’ worth of soap opera masquerading as something more serious. Not worth it, not even for Tom Waits’ all-too-brief role in the production. See if desperate

Review – The Fog of War

Errol Morris serves up a simple, desultory philippic on the life and times of Robert McNamara. The production is anchored by an extensive interview with its subject, with topics ranging from World War Two to Ford Motors to the World Bank. And obviously Vietnam. I don’t know that I walked away from the movie knowing anything I didn’t know going in, but Morris did an interesting job of putting it together (creative visuals, Glass soundtrack, et cetera). If you really want to have fun watching this, get a group of friends together and take bets on which memories make McNamara cry and which don’t. I also thought Morris should have gone ahead and used the full version of the sequence on the Diem assassination, the cut that appears in the bonus footage part of the DVD. Mildly amusing

Review – The Grudge

Here we have a Japanese movie with American actors and a plot so fragmentary that it barely holds together as an excuse for the hallmark booga-booga shots typical of the latest wave of Asian horror movie directors (indeed, I thought this was directed by the same guy who did Ringu until I signed onto IMDB and checked). As jump scares go, this is pretty good stuff. It’s just that a plot – or even characters that we get to know or at least care about a little – would have added some substance to the shocks. Mildly amusing

Review – Matchstick Men

One of the most instantly fatal things that can ever happen to a movie about con men is when the story becomes predictable. The whole fun of these things is watching the schemes unfold, seeing how the games work, following along with the “matchstick men” as they make their dubious livings. I guess we just have to expect that we aren’t going to get two solid hours of rip-offs in progress, and perhaps I should be grateful that the script at least went with something offbeat: a con man with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Our protagonist (Nicolas Cage) longs for a stable family life, and his attempts to make peace with an estranged daughter don’t make the movie all that much more interesting. But the capper is that you can see the end coming a mile away, and for me at least that just sapped all the enjoyment out of waiting to see how it all turns out. The movie also suffers from Ridley Scott’s extremely self-conscious visuals, which I used to like a lot better than I do now. Mildly amusing

Review – Killer Shrews

Here’s a concept that works less and less the closer you look at it. As a general idea, there’s a lot of merit to making a movie about science gone bad. Goodness knows no end of better movies have been made around experiments with disastrous results. But things start to go wrong when the experiment in question is designed to produce giant shrews. The logic isn’t bad. I’m sure if shrews really were as big as the rug-draped dogs that play them in this movie, they’d probably be quite troublesome indeed. However, it’s just hard to get past the notion that the film-makers are trying to scare us with … well, with giant shrews. Even that might have survived if the production – particularly the script and acting – hadn’t been so awful. Thus the final product is good for not much more than a few laughs at the dreadfulness of it all. See if desperate

Review – Super Size Me

Watch as a preachy East Coast yuppie pukes after spending just three days trying to live off food that poor people eat all the time. The concept is sort of cute: an experiment to see if it’s possible for a healthy adult to survive for an entire month eating nothing but McDonald’s food. It picks up a few Michael Moore elements along the way, but even that wasn’t automatically fatal. The big problem here is that the audience is treated to an hour and a half worth of sanctimony about how terrible it is that we’re all slaves to evil fast food corporations with barely a moment’s thought to the racist, sexist, regionalist, discriminatory, and ever-so-pro-corporate assumptions upon which concepts like “ideal weight” are based. The production is entertaining in spots and I suppose well-intentioned at heart, but it just seems to miss its own point. See if desperate

Review – Hollywood Shuffle

It’s sad just how on-point this movie remains all these years after it first came out. Director/writer/star Robert Townsend became the hero of indie film-makers everywhere by financing this picture by running up a tab on dozens of credit cards and shooting without permits. He also does a great job of re-using cast (a few of whom later became stars in their own right, particularly a couple of Wayanses), not to mention props, sets, etc. But the real charm here is the script. Townsend finds several clever ways to use satire to criticize Hollywood’s race lines. Worth seeing

Review – The Bad News Bears

Anyone who played Little League baseball in the 70s is pretty much morally obliged to like this movie. Even if you didn’t, there are still plenty of entertaining moments in this tale of a down-and-out pool cleaner (Walter Matthau) who takes on the job of coaching a ball team full of misfits and losers. Along the way the story takes the de rigeur side-trips into serious exploration of the competitive nature of youth sports, but fortunately even these are usually delivered with the movie’s sarcastic sense of humor. Certainly this is a creature of its time; if nothing else, ten-year-olds with filthy mouths were a little more risqué in 1975 than they are now. But as kid flicks go, this is still one of the better ones. Worth seeing

Review – 10,000 Black Men Named George

For a Showtime production, this isn’t too bad. Here we have the tale of the founding of the Pullman Porter’s union and the various trials and troubles therewith. I suppose it comes across as a bit of a cartoon version, packed with virtuous union activists and evil, racist, corporate types and their thug henchmen; however accurate that might be, it seems like a typical Hollywood over-simplification. I also would have liked a little more screen time devoted to the plight of the porters themselves; the focus instead is almost entirely on the union organizers. That aside, however, the story here is just too good by itself to make too terrible of a movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Cold Creek Manor

This movie left me bitterly disappointed, and I blame the marketing campaign at least in part for letting me down. The ads for this clunker made it look like a haunted house picture of some kind, but instead it turned out to be sort of a Cape Fear thing in which a happy family is menaced by a ne’er-do-well with a not-entirely-justified grudge against them. Trouble is, I (generally at least) like the kind of movie I thought I was going to get. And worse, I hate the kind of movie this turned out to be. The gaggle of former-A-list actors didn’t help matters much. By the time our ex-con antagonist has murdered the girl’s horse and left it floating in the pool, this production had worn out what little welcome it might otherwise have enjoyed. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Return of the Living Dead 2

Cinemax cheated me. The guide said this was going to be Return of the Living Dead, but instead they served up this sequel. The first one was a minor classic of the zombie genre, but this one is little more than a mix of some of the elements and most of the cast (surprising, considering their characters tended not to survive to the end) from number one with an oh-too-kid-intensive story. Some of the makeup effects aren’t too bad, or at least they’re no worse than the first go-around. It’s just that the film-makers appear to be making fun of the genre and thumbing their noses at anyone who enjoyed part one. That sort of left me wondering who they thought the audience would be, not that anyone who makes an R-rated movie with a pre-teen protagonist is giving much thought to marketing. See if desperate

Review – Extreme Ops

Snowboarding thrill-seekers in the Alps shooting an ad for something or another. Serbian war criminal in the Alps along with his gang fleeing from the scene after faking his own death. The two groups collide. Result uninteresting. I can’t say the movie was disappointing, because it delivered pretty much exactly what it promised: lots of elaborate downhill stunts, some expensive pyrotechnics, a feeble excuse for a plot, and not much else. See if desperate

Review – Meet the Feebles

Recipe: start with a good-sized lump of "The Muppet Show." Add just a dash of “New Zoo Revue” and flavor to taste with “H.R. Pufnstuff.” Then stir in a heapin’ helpin’ of LSD. Not the good stuff, either. A big load of acid cut with horse tranquilizers and/or drain cleaner. And voila! Feebles. Puppets doing just about every disgusting thing you could imagine (and probably a thing or two that wouldn’t even have occurred to the more mild-mannered among us). The whole thing has a naughty-child-using-bad-words feel to it. It’s too bad the DVD doesn’t come with a director’s commentary from Peter “Lord of the Rings” Jackson. It would be a real hoot to spend an hour and a half listening to him mumble “I’m so sorry I made this” over and over. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Big Fish

This should play in a double bill with What Dreams May Come as a special treat for people who have too much happiness but not enough beauty in their lives. Tim Burton’s visual style is all over this movie, and when the focus is on the young Edward Bloom (Ewan McGregor) the story is charming if often a bit on the silly side. However, the bracketing story finds an aged Bloom (Albert Finney) on his deathbed while his adult son (Billy Crudup) struggles to come to grips with his father’s refusal to deal in reality. The message about the importance of fantasy – or at least the importance of telling a good story – is well made. It’s just sort of a depressing way to get the point across. Mildly amusing

Review – Hopscotch

A spy movie in which not a single person gets killed? Where’s the fun in that? Well, apparently there’s a great deal of fun to be had in this intriguing little story of an old-timer CIA agent who has a falling-out with his obnoxious boss and decides to publish his very-embarrassing memoirs. Walter Matthau is perfect for the lead role, and the rest of the cast does a solid job behind him. The most impressive thing about the picture (aside from the aforementioned lack of death) is the incredibly even mix of comedy and drama. It’s genuinely impossible to classify this either as a thriller with funny elements or a comedy with some serious espionage mixed in. Heck, even the script was good. Worth seeing

Review – Used Cars

This is the dumbest movie I think I’ll ever give four stars to. Yeah, it’s a sexist, juvenile, very 1980 comedy about salesmen caught in a used car dealership comedy of errors. But I can’t help it. This is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. In particular I love the guerilla-pirate-TV ads for the car lot and just about anything with the mechanic and/or the dog. Hands down Kurt Russell’s finest non-Carpenter moment. Buy the disc

Review – The Station Agent

I think this was the sort of movie my grandfather was expecting when he went to see Trainspotting. This is the blissfully understated story of Fin, a little person who moves into an abandoned train station in the wilds of New Jersey. The move appears to be prompted half by necessity – he has no job after his employer dies – and half from a desire to get away from a city full of people who stare at him and/or mock him. However, his quest for solitude is soon disrupted by a cast of quirky characters thrust by circumstance into his life. This isn’t exactly Local Hero, but the production has more than a little of the same feel to it. Toward the end it gets a little plot-heavy as the characters become emotionally involved with one another. But that aside, this is an excellent example of quiet yet compelling moviemaking. Worth seeing

Review – Dawn of the Mummy

This might have been a better movie if it had been made 20 years later. Well okay, it probably still would have been cheap horror exploitation garbage, but at least the folks who made it would have had more liberty to include the sex and gore they seem so desperately to want but were probably prohibited by 1981 mores from including in their production. The story starts off as a standard mummy tale, with fashion models added into the cadre of crass English-speakers disturbing the mummy’s tomb. But by the end this has disintegrated into a cheap rip of the zombie movies implied by the syntax of the title. See if desperate

Review – Hellboy

This was actually a little better than I thought it was going to be. I liked the Lovecraftian stuff, even though it was a side element rather than a key part of the plot. Beyond that this is a pleasant mix of comic book action, horror and comedy. Our hero is a demon raised to be a quirky champion of good and slayer of monsters. He doesn’t play by the rules. He has trouble with a woman he really likes. He cares for stray cats. And so on. Despite the vague feeling that this movie was trying to be too many things at once, I thought it flowed reasonably well, staying interesting throughout with an even mix of character development and effects-intensive action movies. However, those who harbor a prejudice against the whole comic book thing might well have a lower opinion of this outing, which is a shame because otherwise this is a fine production. Mildly amusing

Review – Keeper of Souls

Okay, now it’s official. For the record I hereby swear off horror movies with the word “keeper” in the title. Of all the pictures in this accidental sub-genre this was the worst, and that’s saying something. It isn’t just sloppy and amateurish. At points it was actually like scenes were actually missing. I know sometimes Hollywood Videos rents stuff that’s been butchered for the suburban market, but this was missing basic transitional material rather than just the gory and/or racy bits. The opening titles – probably the most expensive part of the whole movie – explain that the story has something to do with a “dark man” who vanished from Salem after the witch trials and resurfaced in the South sometime later. Not a bad premise, but the movie that follows this brief intro is just too poorly crafted to take advantage of the push it started with. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Bourne Supremacy

They must have heard me griping last time that the plot was too much of a cookie-cutter spy yarn. Now the pendulum swings to the other extreme, and the second one barely has a plot at all. Needless to say, that’s even more fatal to an espionage thriller than the formulaic route. Matt Damon returns as Jason Bourne, dragged out of amnesiac retirement when the j-random forces of darkness kill his significant other and frame him for a hit on a couple of CIA agents. While this might seem like the set-up for an old-fashioned, linear revenge tale, instead it becomes a meandering game of cat-and-mouse in which Bourne and his former taskmasters swap the feline and rodent roles back and forth. A good revenge flick should leave audiences with the word “dude!” on their lips, but this one merely left me with a “huh? so that’s the end?” Oh, and this thing has a car chase that went on so long that the audience was actually laughing by the end of it. See if desperate

Review – The Gold Rush

There are three Chaplin movies that nobody should die without seeing. Though this one lacks the technical sophistication of Modern Times and most of the emotional content of City Lights, Chaplin’s comic genius is nonetheless at its height here. The roll dance scene alone makes the whole thing worthwhile (even if it was “borrowed” from Fatty Arbuckle), and the rest of the movie is just about on par. One of the versions of this classic includes running commentary by the man himself, but his ham-handed monologue damages the production far more than it helps. Buy the tape

Review – The Day of the Jackal

Ah, whatever happened to the days when they made international thrillers like this? The production isn’t especially slick by later standards; indeed, the extensive use of hand-held cameras give it an almost documentary feel in places. But the plot is tight and the story keeps moving. The most striking thing about the story is that – particularly by the end – it’s hard to know whom to cheer for: the assassin whose exploits we’ve been following for a couple of hours or the police official who’s trying to prevent him from killing Charles de Gaulle. Though this isn’t precisely a Cold War drama, it still has that intriguing 70’s era look and feel to it. Genre fans shouldn’t miss this one. Worth seeing

Review – Death Bed

For years I’ve been slamming Full Moon in general and Stuart Gordon in particular for producing movies that are little more than flimsy excuses for tons of tit shots and cheap gore. So I expect I’ll sound like a complete hypocrite for griping that this movie didn’t have anywhere near enough stage guts or exploitative sex. But when the premise is that an old bed in a couple’s new loft is haunted by kinky bondage ghosts, one expects the producers’ usual bag of tricks. I concede the possibility that I somehow ended up with an edited-for-squeamish-video-stores version, and there were some oddly-cut sequences that supported that theory. But sex and sexism aside, this would have been a stinker no matter what elements were included or left out. The acting was bad as usual (including a supporting role by Joe Estevez, whom I assume is related somehow to Martin Sheen), the script was bad as usual, but the real killer was the pacing. The production had an almost soap-opera-esque ability to structure drama so that the plot advances as little as possible. That might work for shows that have to eke out five hours a week, but for a simple 80-minute movie it alternated between just plain annoying and so annoying that it actually became sort of funny. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Cold Mountain

For a Civil War movie – not to mention yet another rehash of The Odyssey – this wasn’t half bad. Clearly this one cost a lot to produce, but the expense shows up on the screen in the form of quality acting, excellent cinematography, and a fairly good script. Sure it gets a little maudlin in parts, but that’s part of the point of any marketing blend of action for the guys and romance for the gals. Overall this is a fine piece of Hollywood entertainment that would have gotten a slightly higher rating if it had been a little easier on the animals. Mildly amusing

Review – Club Dread

It should say something that I went into this movie figuring that it would roughly approximate the stupidity of Broken Lizard’s earlier work on Super Troopers and came away feeling that they didn’t even live up to that relatively meager standard. Instead this plays like an extra dumb slasher movie. Some of the snide references to Jimmy Buffett are kinda cute, but the rest of it is a thoroughly un-entertaning hack-and-slash with just enough racism and pointless boob shots to keep it nice and offensive. See if desperate

Review – Exorcist: The Beginning

I read in an entertainment magazine somewhere that the studio brought in Renny Harlin to basically reshoot the whole movie after the first director (Paul Schrader) created something that wasn’t scary enough. And it shows. To an extent this is an interesting prequel to the original, making a conscious and reasonably skillful effort to tie forward to some of the action in Friedkin’s production – particularly the Iraq sequence at the beginning, which was always my favorite part of the movie. But grafted on to the archaeological horror I love so much were a ton of booga-booga shots, elaborate gore and other trademark Harlin sensationalism. This leads me to suspect that the first version of the movie would have been something I would have loved, while the eventual theatrical release was just another fright flick. This weakness shows up especially strongly in the scattering of plot points that go nowhere and seem to bear little relationship to the overall structure. And I don’t expect there’s even any point in getting into the gender politics of the series at this late stage in the game. So suffice it to say that this one lurks somewhere between the heights of numbers one and three and the depths of number two. Mildly amusing

Review – Alien vs. Predator

How the mighty art fallen. Both of the series merged here got off to solid starts, but by this point in history they’ve joined in a descent into the realm of goofy horror-action mix. I should have known going into it that any movie that couldn’t at least eke out an R rating was going to aim for cartoonish action rather than taking advantage of its sources’ horror roots. A team of scientists led by an aging millionaire heads off to Antarctica to check out a buried pyramid that turns out to be infested with Aliens and the Predators who show up to hunt them. If nothing else, this left me wondering why the Predators would set up a game preserve in Antarctica when the first two movies in their own series made it clear that the hunt-monsters prefer things extra hot. So now Predator takes on Jason in the finals, right? The DVD promises an alternate beginning not seen in theaters, but it doesn’t amount to much (and what there is of it is sort of poor quality video). Mildly amusing

Review – Near Death

Straight to video – which was probably how it was shot – goes this flimsy excuse for a horror movie. The plot’s some stupid mish-mash about ghouls and/or ghosts stuck in the mansion of an evil Hollywood type. Most of the movie comes across as cheap soft-core porn with the porn mostly cut out. All of the effects are cheap, but amazingly some of them kinda work. On the other hand, a lot of them really, really don’t work. Script awful. Acting so terrible it hardly even counts as acting. In other words, run-of-the-mill cheap-ass fright flick. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Ran

One of Kurosawa’s better movies based on one of Shakespeare’s better plays. As Throne of Blood was to Macbeth, so this production is to King Lear, a samurai-ization of Elizabethan drama. Visually this is a stunning movie. The Masterworks restoration does wonders for some parts of the picture but appears to give other scenes something of a brownish, shadowy shift. But technical quality aside, the story is an entertaining if sometimes over-sentimental retelling of the Lear tale. Lots of Byzantine intrigue. Lots of lightning-quick swordplay. An epic battle or two. I admit it would probably help to like the director’s work or at least be a genre fan, but if you qualify on either count you should get a real kick out of this. Worth seeing

Review – e-Dreams

Just climb on board with a dotcom startup and let the cameras roll for the whole roller-coaster ride! This documentary chronicles the rise and fall of Kosmo.com, a company that promised to deliver books, videos, food and the like via bike messenger within an hour of an order being placed on the Internet. In its favor, this was at least a better idea than a lot of its contemporaries, web-based businesses that didn’t seem to be selling anything or have any way of making money aside from sucking down venture capital. But when the vapor-companies crashed heavy in 2000, they took a lot of businesses like Kosmo with them. One also gets the sense from watching the exuberance of the early days contrasted with the deep depression of the company’s last few months that the whole thing stopped being fun once the participants had to stop riding the initial success wave and actually sit down and try to work for a living. Though this is too much of a fish-in-a-barrel experience to count as ground-breaking film-making, it’s still an interesting picture. Mildly amusing

Review – Catwoman

The sexual politics of this plot – meek woman empowers herself by getting in touch with her inner strength helped by a hefty dose of cat magic – might have been really radical 30 years ago, but now it’s not exactly enough to sustain an hour and half worth of movie, not even an empty-headed action flick. The script and acting help, particularly Halle Berry in the title role. Unfortunately, the direction undoes the goodwill everyone else in the production works so hard to drum up. It’s like the director watched MTV for years without managing to learn anything useful from it. As a result, just about every time the show starts getting interesting it dissolves into a spattering of spastic jump cuts that more often than not get in the way of the stunt work, special effects, even the acting. Though it’s a given that there’s a bit of a difference between Bob Kane and Citizen Kane, this still could have been a better production than it turned out to be. Mildly amusing

Review – I, Robot

Perhaps they’ve finally run out of old Phillip K. Dick novels to make into effects-intensive sci fi flicks, so now they’re turning to Asimov classics. In any event, if you’re in the mood for a vaguely depressing action movie you’ve come to the right place. The subtexts about the fine lines between humanity and automation have been done to death in the years between the novel’s original publication and now. So it seems less a clever plot element and more a shortcoming when the characters – human and robot alike – come across as stiff and cold. That aside, however, some of the visual effects are kind of fun. Overall it doesn’t quite sustain its running time, but like many other productions in this sub-genre, the effects keep it from dragging too badly. Mildly amusing

Review – The Hills Have Eyes

Well, the movie wasn’t exactly called “The Hills Have Brains,” so perhaps I shouldn’t complain. But I’m going to anyway. This early Wes Craven effort comes across as a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Craven’s even earlier Last House on the Left. A trailer-load of city folk end up trapped in the desert, stalked and slaughtered by a latter-day Sawney Beane clan. These grubby, drooling loonies eat tourists because they can’t afford groceries, and yet they seem to have a copious supply of walkie-talkies and at least one bottle of J&B. Sadly, plot logic isn’t the low point of the flick. That distinction belongs to the dialogue and Craven’s tin ear for same. The acting’s no great shakes, either. And few movies end as abruptly as this one does, though even as sudden as it is, it’s not exactly unwelcome. Finally, this picture came darn close to drawing a lower rating because of the animal cruelty, but for once one of the animals gets to be cruel back. See if desperate

Review – The Other

Taut, suspenseful psychological horror or just a really boring movie? You decide. The first time I saw this I was eight or nine years old, so I didn’t pick up on the movie’s twist until Uta Hagen came right out and told us what it was. Upon more recent viewing, the catch seems as obvious as a trick from an old Twilight Zone episode. That aside, this is the laconically-paced tale of a boy and his evil twin, a twin whose evil-ness is established over again so often that it becomes as tedious as it is creepy. Overall this is a solid production, but you have to be in the mood for it before it’s going to work for you. Mildly amusing

Review – The Manchurian Candidate (2004)

Boy did this plot fail to translate into the 21st century. The Frankenheimer original and the Condon novel upon which it was tightly based were masterpieces of cold war paranoia played out on the grand scale of national politics and in the smaller but more compelling realms of multi-dimensional characters who follow rational – or at least believable – motivations. But while the machinations of Communist powers were easy to buy (or at least consistent with the world as most Americans knew it in 1964), replacing reds with corporate baddies proves fatal to the story. Why should a big, Haliburton-esque cartel bother to put a brainwashed agent in the White House when in the real world such cabals have managed to get their own CEOs openly elected? Further, I was particularly disappointed by the brainwashing flashbacks. I didn’t expect anything as brilliant and groundbreaking as the original’s mind control nightmares, but I’d hoped for something a little more compelling than henna’d women brandishing tomatoes. And don’t even get me started on the ending. The cast was good, production quality was good, but it was all wasted on a movie that almost seemed to set itself up to fail. If this was really the movie they wanted to make, they should have packaged it as a remake of The Parallax View. See if desperate

Review – Bulletproof Monk

Chow Yun Fat once again lends his talents to an all-too-Hollywood martial arts action movie slash goofy buddy comedy. This one wasn’t quite as bad as Rush Hour in the offensive ethnic humor department, and a lot of the choreography was pretty good. But it’s still the story of an Asian kung fu master who takes a westerner under his wing for no readily apparent reason other than potential box office receipts. If they’d left the dumb white kid out and just focused on the Tibetan monk (Chow) pursued by an evil Nazi and his mercenary henchpersons, this would have been a much better movie. Mildly amusing

Review – 13 Ghosts

William Castle once again works his gimmick magic on what would otherwise have been a fairly mediocre movie. The plot here is some trivial gothic silliness about a family that inherits a haunted house. The only thing that stands out is a fascinating bit of casting, with Margaret Hamilton playing a housekeeper who may also be a witch. The gimmick is Illusion-O, sort of a hybrid of the red/blue 3D process in which ghosts are visible in the red lens but not (or very nearly not) in the blue. It isn’t Castle’s finest moment, but it’s kinda clever. The DVD release features one side with Illusion-O and one side without (though I expect watching it without the gimmick wouldn’t be as much fun). Castle originally intended for audiences to watch the special sequences through either a red or a blue filter, but not both at once. I got the movie via Netflix, and it didn’t come with a viewer at all (so I can’t say what you get if you buy the disc). However, I had an old pair of 3D glasses from the theatrical release of Nightmare on Elm Street Part 6, and they seemed to work okay. Indeed, the half red half blue effect gave Illusion-O a strangely psychedelic feel. Mildly amusing

Review – X: The Man with X-Ray Eyes

Roger Corman at his vintage best serves up the tale of a scientist who takes the dream of every kid who ever ordered X-Ray specs out of a comic book and makes it a horrifying reality. Ray Miland stars as a doctor who invents eye drops that give him the ability to see through solid objects. The initial results are that he becomes a better surgeon (because he can see into patients before he cuts them) and a bit of a perv at cocktail parties. From there, however, things get really weird. If only the effects had been a little better this might have been a better movie. The spectroscopic stuff isn’t bad by sixties standards (indeed, some of the shots reamin impressive considering how crude they are), but if Corman had only had 21st-century computer generated stuff he could have done something really innovative with this. As things stand, the plot’s not bad but the production is more than a little dated. That notwithstanding, the end still holds up after all these years, one of the few moments in movie history in which the last line of the production actually adds something significant to the overall experience (however, I note that on the DVD version the last line appears to be missing, which Corman discusses briefly on the commentary track). Mildly amusing

Review – Mr. Sardonicus

Classic William Castle. The movie itself isn’t worth much, just a low-budget tale of a cruel baron who enlists the aid of a famous neurosurgeon to fix his man-who-laughs face. But the twist comes at the end with the “punishment poll,” a supposedly interactive (decades before anyone thought of the term) chance for the audience to decide whether the villain should get off scott free or die horribly. Needless to say, Castle only shot the “die horribly” ending. Still, it was a nice gesture. Mildly amusing

Review – Golden Years

I liked this Stephen King miniseries despite not thinking there was really all that much to it. A janitor gets exposed to some kind of radiation crud that reverses the aging process. As he gets younger and younger, he struggles to sort out relationship problems with his wife while the couple and a handful of helper characters run from a psycho from a sinister government agency. Despite plot holes big enough to drive a Greyhound bus through, the production remains fairly entertaining throughout. Awfully hard on the animals, though. Mildly amusing

Review – Darkman 2: The Return of Durant

Durant (Larry Drake) may be back, but he’s about it. The switch from Liam Neeson to Arnold Vosloo is fairly indicative of the change in the whole thing: the first had class and originality, while the second one is reasonably well crafted but uninspiring. Once again our hero battles crime while he searches for the formula for non-light-sensitive artificial flesh so he can have a face for more than 99 minutes at a time. There’s some mish-mash in here about energy weapons, and a new scientist gets stirred in so Durant will have someone new to kill. But beyond that this is strictly leftovers. Mildly amusing

Review – Black Hawk Down

With such an interesting story to tell and such a gifted storyteller at the helm, this should have been a better movie. Visually this is Ridley Scott business as usual, with lots of jump cuts and heavy filter work. The MTV rah-rah should have made an interesting combination with the sad tale of an American military mission gone horribly wrong in Somalia. However, the story soon sinks under its own weight. Perhaps if the cast had been more tightly focused on a smaller group of characters, or at the very least not been so jam-packed with interchangeable 20-something white boy Hollywood hunks, it might have been easier to empathize with the protagonists. As it was, the whole thing comes across as stupid and random, accurate perhaps but not as genuinely tragic as it might have been. Mildly amusing

Review – Barry Lyndon

This is a visually stunning, technically brilliant, virtually unwatchable movie. If memory serves, this is the first big budget drama ever shot with film stock so sensitive that the whole thing was done with available light. Combine that with Stanley Kubrick’s natural gift for shot composition, and you get some of the most impressive images ever incorporated into a motion picture. Getting the Chieftains to do the soundtrack didn’t exactly hurt, either. Unfortunately, it almost seems like Kubrick decided that he didn’t want plot or character to interfere with his technical genius. So he employed his talent to make a movie out of a dreary old Thackery novel, a story so vastly uninteresting that it wouldn’t sustain a production half as long as this three hour monster. The acting is of similarly dubious quality; if nothing else, Ryan O’Neil is better suited to movies in which a young Drew Barrymore wants to divorce both her parents than to Napoleonic costume drama (especially given his inability to maintain a consistent accent). Thus while I admire the skill involved, there’s just no getting around the fact that no matter how beautiful it may be, minute after endless minute of watching British aristocrats pay their bills just doesn’t make a good movie. See if desperate

Review – The Bone Snatcher

The Thing relocated to the desert. Here’s another batch of leftovers that didn’t reheat especially well. The characters aren’t interesting, and the plot meanders so much that after awhile I kinda lost interest. The basic premise is that a group of scientist (or technicians and hangers-on) unearth some kind of creature that’s approximately half Thing and half flesh-eating ooze. Some of the monster effects were bush leagues cool in a big-black-blob-of-goo-with-a-skull-for-a-head kind of way, but that’s about it. See if desperate

Review – Being There

If this had been Peter Sellers’s last movie, there wouldn’t be a curse named after him. Certainly this is the last good movie he made, and it’s a quiet, subtle, high-quality capper to a legendary career. Sellers plays Chance the Gardner, a gentle, elderly, mentally-differently-abled gentleman who finds himself cast out into the cold, cruel world after the man he’d served his entire life passes away. Through a series of coincidences he ends up the toast of Washington, houseguest to a terminally-ill captain of industry, object of the old guy’s wife’s affection, advisor to the President, and accidental political pundit. Throughout he maintains a genuinely touching sense of innocence and simplicity, something that I usually find annoying but here found compelling. The odd yet oddly charming ending helped seal the deal. Worth seeing

Review – Jeepers Creepers 2

Jeepers creepers, where’d they get the money for this crap? We’re not even bothering with plots anymore, just enough story to give the characters some motivation. Beyond that it’s a bus full of high school football players and cheerleaders broken down on an isolated highway and served up like a big, yellow tin of sardines for the baddie from number one. At least this thing only awakens once every 23 years. Maybe that’ll mean we can go for another 23 before Jeepers Creepers 3. Heck, I could be dead by then. Gives me something to hope for, anyway. See if desperate

Review – Spider-Man 2

Okay, way too much character development. A little is fine; indeed, even in an action movie a little is necessary. But come on. Peter Parker’s a young man trying to balance the demands of his career with his personal life. The fact that his career happens to be “super hero” doesn’t make his prioritization woes radically more interesting. I also thought the ending worked too hard setting up number three. On the other hand, Alfred Molina does a great job as Dr. Octopus, backed up by some genuinely impressive octopus arm effects (though I do wish he’d been provided with a shirt a little more consistently). So aside from some pacing problems, this is a worthy follow-up to the popular original. Mildly amusing

Review – The Chronicles of Riddick

At least it wasn’t as boring as Pitch Black. Of course that’s due at least in part to the decision of the film-makers to steal from several different sci fi movies rather than limiting their pilferage to Alien. The main “homage” here is to the Borg, unfortunately proving that even good Star Trek is still Star Trek. Even the art direction – probably the high point of the picture – was all shamelessly derivative. Vin Diesel is his usual ham-handed self (but then what kind of hands would one expect a ham to have?). The script is bad, as is the acting. Toward the end I actually started to drift off, no mean feat considering I caught a matinee and wasn’t especially tired going in. I assume that isn’t the effect they were going for. See if desperate

Review – Aguirre, The Wrath of God

Werner Herzog and jungles just don’t mix. Here he serves up the grim tale of an offshoot of Pizarro’s expedition. Their original assignment was to head down river (at least that was a change in direction from the usual Heart of Darkness stuff) and find help for the army of conquistadors. But after the crew runs into trouble, a sub-commander named Aguirre takes over. Given that the character is played by old Herzog standby Klaus Kinski, it almost goes without saying that our anti-hero starts out crazy bad and just gets worse as the plot progresses. It also almost goes without saying that before the show ends we’re treated to a lot of long, tedious soul-searching punctuated by random acts of savagery. I used to have a higher tolerance for this stuff than I do now. There are some beautiful shots toward the beginning, but ultimately they don’t justify the whole depressing thing. See if desperate

Review – Gremlins 2: The New Batch

While the first Gremlins movie had more than its share of Spielberg, this one’s almost pure Joe Dante. There’s some weak excuse for a plot here somewhere, but the real draw of this sequel is the nearly endless stream of sub-references, in-jokes and other little clever moments. On the other hand, if you thought Gizmo was insufferably cute in the original then stand by and be prepared to be thoroughly sickened by the wittle cwitter this time around. Beyond that, however, it’s a genuine pleasure just to keep up with all the little Dante touches. The DVD is also worth a look for fans; the deleted scenes and outtakes seem like they go on as long as the movie itself. Mildly amusing

Review – A Knight’s Tale

Medieval drama combines with teen-oriented action-adventure in a picture that’s likely to appeal to neither genre’s audience. Hunk-of-the-week Heath Ledger stars as a commoner who impersonates nobility so he can become a celebrity on the jousting circuit. I guess the integration of old tunes by David Bowie, Queen and the like was a mildly cute innovation, as was the use of Geoffrey Chaucer as a “let’s get ready to rumble” event barker. But beyond that this is little more than a sub-standard blend of juvenile sports action with lances rather than footballs. See if desperate

Review – Zoolander

So if you set out to make a movie about stupid characters and the end result turns out to be one of the dumbest things ever committed to celluloid, can your work be described as a success? I’m willing to say no on that one, at least based on what I’m looking at here. This whole movie plays like a bad piece of sketch comedy that even the writers know is bad, but it just keeps going and going in the vain hope that sheer tenacity will eventually translate into entertainment value. If you think there’s sport in mocking the world of male fashion models – or maybe if you find Ben Stiller’s grinning monkey head funnier than I do – perhaps you’ll get a kick out of this. Otherwise, well, at least it began with a Z. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Crazies

Though in retrospect this comes across as sort of a dry run for Dawn of the Dead, it’s got a lot more going for it than just that. The basic premise – townspeople driven mad by biological weapon accidentally unleashed by Army that then descends on the town in an attempt to contain the problem – isn’t entirely dissimilar to Romero’s zombie pictures. But the really intriguing part of this movie is the struggle of the protagonists not only to escape the doomed town but also to determine who among their number has come down with the insanity plague (as opposed to merely behaving abnormally due to the abnormal situation they all find themselves in). George Romero isn’t exactly the master of subtlety, and to be sure most of the entertainment value to be found here relies on gore or other cheap thrills. But here and there this outing’s got a little more going for it. Mildly amusing

Review – Shivers

“Yawns” might have been a better title. Ostensibly this is a movie about a parasite that moves into a seventies-modern high rise and goes to work infesting the residents, driving them to wanton acts of lust and violence. However, contrived explanations aside this comes across as little more than an excuse for a lot of cheap gore and a smattering of cheap sex. This early effort by David Cronenberg has all the misogynist ickiness that makes his movies hard to watch while at the same time lacking the visual sophistication and plot nuances that at least partially redeem his later work. See if desperate

Review – Monster

Thank goodness Hollywood let a woman direct this. I’m not saying that putting a man at the helm would have automatically turned the story of Aileen Wuornos into a chicks-with-chicks sex-fest between Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci, but the odds of a cheap exploitation mess would probably have gone up at least a little. As it turns out, the production does a reasonably good job of capturing the sad story of a down-on-her-luck sex worker turned “America’s first female serial killer” (a title incorrectly bestowed upon Wuornos, by the way). The protagonist comes across as simultaneously sympathetic and repulsive, which I suppose fits reality fairly well. Worth seeing

Review – Looker

With all his Jurassic Park and ER millions, I’m a little surprised Michael Crichton hasn’t made more of an effort to buy up all copies of this embarrassment from earlier in his career. The premise is actually kind of impressive, especially considering that the whole idea of using computer simulations to create ads more computer-perfect than real actors could do was strictly a thing of the future in the early 80s. However, the execution is so inept that any chance that the plot might have succeeded is swiftly undone by script, acting and effects. Not even the best story could possibly survive Albert Finney chasing bad guys around with a device that’s supposed to cause memory loss and temporary paralysis but instead looks more like its proper use would be adjusting timing on car engines. And maybe Susan Dey’s nay-nays were a draw somewhere between The Partridge Family and L.A. Law, now the nude scene comes across as a little flat. On the other hand, the scene where Dey gets digitized does mark the approximate point between the interesting plot revelations and the movie’s descent into the realm of mediocre thriller. Mildly amusing

Review – Troy

Here’s something you don’t see every day: a source story so huge that even a lavish Hollywood epic seems small by comparison. All the stars, effects, and other tinseltown hogwash manage to fall disappointingly short of Homer’s simple words. And speaking of Homer, I wish movies wouldn’t credit their sources with things like “Inspired by Homer’s ‘The Iliad.’” If they really feel the need for accurate attribution, the card should have read something more like: “Story line vaguely related to Homer, dialogue inspired by the secret diary of a nine-year-old girl who lives somewhere in Shawnee Mission.” This isn’t a bad movie. It’s as pleasant a death as two and a half hours can reasonably expect. It just isn’t adequate to its subject. Mildly amusing

Review – Alice

Jan Svankmajer’s version of the classic Lewis Carroll tale plays like a Rankin Bass holiday animation on PCP. Not since Dreamchild has Alice in Wonderland gotten such a disturbing work-over. And while Henson and company appeared to be trying to make some kind of point about child molesters, the creepiness here seems to be outré gratia outré. Some of it works in an odd way (which is about the only way it could work). But other parts come across as a little tedious. The disc also includes Svankmajer’s somewhat famous short, “Darkness, Light, Darkness.” Mildly amusing

Review – Sing Faster

Here we have a backstage view of a production of Wagner’s ring trilogy, only rather than focusing on the stars this documentary concentrates on the stagehands. The grandiose onstage production makes a fascinating contrast to the everyday working lives of the men and women who shove the sets around, adjust the lights, make the dragon’s head effect work, and so on. It’s a shame that we don’t really get to know any of the stagehands except through their work, giving the whole thing a slight “This Old Theater” kind of a feel. But without a doubt the behind-the-scenes drama is at least as interesting as the opera itself. Mildly amusing

Review – House of the Dead

Ever get the hankering to pay Sega for the privilege of watching a 90-minute ad for one of its video games? Well, if that desire ever does strike you, at last your need can now be met. It isn’t that I necessarily mind movies based on “low culture” sources. But this one’s seriously almost nothing but witless zombie destruction, including jump cuts to clips from the game itself. Oh, and toward the beginning we’re “treated” to a handful of gratuitous boob shots. So basically the whole thing is tailored to the stereotypical audience: teenage boys with more video victories than dates under their belts. See if desperate

Review – Dracula 2: Ascension

I don’t see anything here that qualifies as an ascension. If anything, this is a significant step down from its predecessor, Dracula 2000. And that’s saying something, because the original wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane. Through a series of uninteresting plot twists the reanimated body of Dracula falls into the hands of an annoying collection of med students, mad scientists and various riff raff seeking to use his blood to develop a cure for death. And of course hot on the trail is an assassin priest from the Vatican’s ever-popular anti-vampire squad. This might have been a better production if they’d worked just a little harder to make at least one of the characters – even Dracula would have done – somewhat sympathetic. See if desperate

Review – Helter Skelter (2004)

Though simpler and more graphic than the original miniseries, this new version of the classic tale of Charles Manson lacks the 70s-era creepiness of the first video version. That isn’t to say that this go-around doesn’t have its plusses; if nothing else, the new one isn’t anywhere near as Bugliosi-intensive as the old version or the book. I also appreciated the attempt – at least at the beginning – to show at least some of the how and why of Manson’s appeal. But by the end it degenerates into yet another loco-hippie-psycho-killer crime-doesn’t-pay production. Mildly amusing

Review – Revenge of the Pink Panther

Of all the Pink Panther movies (at least the ones made while Peter Sellers was still alive), this one is by far the worst. I’m not saying it doesn’t have a moment or two. The first time I saw it (many years ago, when I was a kid) I laughed until I cried at the inflatable parrot sequence. And there’s some other Sellers / Edwards standard slapstick here. But for the most part this is a meandering, plot-free string of sight gags that don’t work on more than a visceral level, and most not even there. See if desperate

Review – Van Helsing

I used to deride movies by comparing them to comic books. But as it turns out, a lot of the newer comics on the market have better plots and character development than movies like this. Our title character here is the James Bond of some kind of international religious brotherhood of monster hunters, pitted against a trio of classic Universal creatures. I suppose the thinking must have been if Stephen Sommers can turn the Mummy into a successful franchise then he ought to be able to do wonders with the big three: Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Wolf Man. No such luck. Maybe the studio could give him another shot with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Mildly amusing

Review – The American Nightmare

The interviews that form the meat of this documentary about seventies-era low-budget horror movies are downright fascinating (for the most part). But given that many of the subjects either haven’t worked at all or haven’t done anything substantial for many a year, perhaps they didn’t have much better to do than sit down and give good interviews. Romero, Carpenter, Hooper, Craven, and Cronenberg all had interesting things to say about the early days of indie horror. I found Tom Savini’s remarks about the connections between his work and the real-life horrors he experienced in Vietnam especially compelling. However, a fair amount of screen time also ends up squandered on commentary from academics (not the end of the world, but not as good as chat from the guys who were really responsible for the sub-genre) and montages of footage of nuclear explosions, Vietnamese casualties, race riots and so on. Result: anecdotal information is great, but attempts to prove some bigger point from it all come across as more than a little heavy-handed. Mildly amusing

Review – Throne of Blood

Toshiro Mifune is at his overacting best in Akira Kurosawa’s samurai twist on the Macbeth tale. I’m a big Kurosawa fan, and the source play is one of the few Shakespeare creations I genuinely enjoy. So I was pretty much set up from the outset to love this movie. That notwithstanding, even folks who aren’t fans should still be able to appreciate the artistry that went into adapting a feudal English classic into a feudal Japanese setting (not to mention the director’s usual flare for visuals and the lead actor’s usual flare for characters). Buy the disc

Review – Secret Window

I’ve reached the point where I can’t tell why I find movies like this trite and predictable. Is it because I read the source story years ago and my subconscious still recalls the experience? Is it because I’ve read and seen so many of these things over the years that they all start to blend together after awhile? Or is it just that every twist and every turn is so laboriously telegraphed that even someone completely new to the is-he-paranoid-or-is-someone-really-out-to-get-him genre would still see the end coming like a giant balloon trucking down Broadway in the Thanksgiving parade? The money they spent on the cast and production values helps a little (though the brutal death of a cute dog undid some of the good will the movie might otherwise have enjoyed), but at its heart this is still a mediocre thriller at best. If Hollywood’s goal is to eventually make movies out of everything Stephen King has ever written, at least they got this one out of the way so we won’t have to worry about it in the future. See if desperate

Review – The Punisher

The problem with most revenge-centered action movies is that the revenge almost never seems adequate. The bad guys torment the hero throughout the picture, destroying or spoiling all he loves, thrashing him over and over, and generally making his life a living hell. Sure, he triumphs in the end. But the wrongdoers don’t get anywhere near what they dished out. They’re beaten, sometimes even killed. Still, more often than not it comes up short. Not so in this case. Marvel’s vigilante anti-hero translates well to the big screen, especially after being mercifully stripped of his stretchy superhero suit and white boots. Thomas Jane does better than I thought he would as Frank Castle. He isn’t quite the guy from the comic books, but then he isn’t supposed to be. I suppose it’s likely that I got more of a kick out of this than I should have because I’m a longtime fan of the comic-book hero and his dime-novel counterpart, The Executioner. However, anyone who likes to see a monomaniacal protagonist triumph against the odds in the most vicious manner possible should get a real bang out of this. Worth seeing

Review – Looney Tunes Back in Action

If anyone but Joe Dante had directed this, it would probably have turned out to be an unwatchable stinker unsuitable even for the most moronic pre-teens. The plot is goofy and meandering even by cartoon standards, and the live-action actors have almost all done better work elsewhere. But there’s so much going on in the background here that the foreground becomes little more than an annoying excuse to keep the clever inside jokes coming. Fans of Warner Brothers cartoons and genre movies should get a real kick out of all the sub-references, typical Dante only even more so. Worth seeing

Review – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Two sequels and now two remakes later I’m still left wondering what it was about the original that merited all this attention. Sure, it’s a classic of low-budget movie-making and a seminal moment in the history of the slasher flick, but beyond that I just don’t see much potential in the whole Texas Chainsaw thing. This latest round yet again proves my point. There are some new tricks here and there (though I was surprised at how much worse the gore was in this comparatively more expensive production). The acting’s maybe a little better. But overall this is nothing more than another poorly-paced romp in the dark corners of city-dwelling psyches where savage country bumpkins lie waiting for unsuspecting teens to fall into their cannibalistic clutches. And at this late date the meat’s so old and rotten even Ed Gein himself would have had trouble swallowing it. See if desperate

Review – Capturing the Friedmans

Here’s an interesting new twist: a crime documentary in which the criminals (or maybe “alleged criminals” would be better) actually document themselves. There seems little doubt that elderly, nerdy Arnold Friedman was a fan of child pornography. But once he was busted for kiddie porn, things swiftly went from bad to worse. Before the dust settled, Arnold and his youngest son were both sent to prison for molesting students in Arnold’s home computer classes, the ol’ man killed himself, and his whole family turned into a dysfunctional mess (not that it was a long drive for them to begin with). The story itself is sad and icky but not much more. The real fascination here lies in the obsession Arnold and his eldest son had with filming, audio- and videotaping almost every aspect of their family’s life, particularly the domestic discord that appears to grow worse and worse as the case progresses. An uplifting commentary on the essential nobility of the human spirit this ain’t, but it nonetheless probably bears a look. Mildly amusing

Review – Dawn of the Dead (2004)

The original’s a classic, so there really isn’t any point in comparing the remake to it. However, I did enjoy this production more than I thought I was going to. It owes more to 28 Days Later than to Romero directly; indeed, it has a lot of the 28 Days booga-booga shots without the pretentious artiness. I also enjoyed the nods to the original trilogy (especially little things like the cameos and the store in the mall called Gaylen Ross). Some of the gooey boogers are Dead Alive silly, such as the fat woman and the baby. But for the most part the gore’s good, the chills are chilling, and the story keeps moving. I’m unlikely to watch this one as many times as I’ve seen the original, but it was thoroughly entertaining nonetheless. If nothing else it was interesting to see a movie that keeps the action going all the way through the end credits. Worth seeing

Review – The Passion of the Christ

Yes, I admit I gave in to my curiosity and went to see this while it was still in theaters. I liked the demons tormenting Judas. I liked the attention to detail; yeah, I know it wasn’t 100% historically accurate and shot continuity could probably have been better, but I still appreciated the care that went into the production. I suppose Mel Gibson should have at least considered getting someone else to take the helm, perhaps someone with less affection for the long, meaningful exchange of eye contact. However, beyond the usual goods and bads the movie mostly just made me sad. I don’t know that it’s a fair capsule version of Christianity to say that the religion delights in Christ’s suffering, but that seems to be the only point here. I expect this will help reaffirm pre-existing faith, but someone who doesn’t already understand and appreciate Christian theology will be hard pressed to find much of a reason to convert. Mildly amusing

Review – Lost in Translation

I guess I would have expected this kind of a movie from a middle-aged man, but I’m genuinely puzzled about what might motivate a young, successful woman like Sofia Coppola to film a serious take on such a Humbert-ish relationship. Here we have Bill Murray playing an aging actor stuck in the middle of a mid-life crisis, which might have slipped past me – let’s face it, Murray’s at least a decade or so past a “mid” life crisis – if the script hadn’t literally come out and said so more than once during the course of the movie. Trapped in a hotel in Japan, he befriends an equally befuddled twenty-something neglected by her photographer husband. Some of the camerawork isn’t too bad (visually Sofia’s somewhere between daddy and Paul Schrader), but otherwise the flat characters, go-nowhere plot and unsavory quasi-romance don’t offer much edification or entertainment. See if desperate

Review – The Cat in the Hat

Though I admit that the cat was never exactly my favorite Dr. Seuss character, it still saddened me to see such a pathetic, vulgar mess made out of this reasonably charming childhood classic. The picture starts out with an astounding amount of set-up; I didn’t time it, but I imagine the cat himself doesn’t even make an appearance until at least 20 minutes in. And though the non-cat plot is no more compelling than a Bart-centered episode of the Simpsons, the movie nonetheless takes a turn for the worse when the titular character debuts. Mike Myers’ Bert Lahr impression gets really old really fast, and the nasty little double entendres and other random vulgarity that might have worked with an Austin Powers audience here only serve to strangle what little charm the production might otherwise have been able to muster. Though I’m well outside what I suppose was the target audience, I have trouble imagining even the dumbest, crudest child finding much entertainment value in this flop. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Gigli

Me don’t see what fuss was about. Me think this very good movie. Acting good. Ben talented. Jennifer talented. Script good. Pacing good. Long sequences where characters drive aimlessly around LA sharing deep thoughts about gender relations philosophical and entertaining. Cameo by Al Pacino very welcome and amusing. Only trouble, me think me way smarter before me start watch this movie. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – In the Cut

For years I’ve wondered what might happen if someone tried to combine Hollywood production values and big-name stars with explicit sex. Somehow I’d imagined something better than this (though in retrospect I can’t imagine why). Once you get over the whole cutesy-little-Meg-Ryan’s-in-a-dirty-movie thing, there just isn’t that much else to this picture. The script is bad, and the acting is average at best. Much of the dialogue is stiff, and the mystery element is left holding far too much of the bag, especially considering it’s not really all that mysterious. I’ll give this an E for effort just in hope that in the future big-budget productions can work this openly with sex only with more honest results. See if desperate

Review – Unzipped

Curious about what makes clothing designer Isaac Mizrahi tick? After watching this you will be curious no longer. I can’t say that I was surprised to see how frivolous the fashion world is, but nonetheless I enjoyed this behind-the-scenes look at the creative process and long hours required to develop a new line of clothes and market them via a major show. Mildly amusing

Review – Wisconsin Death Trip

I never thought I’d write this in a movie review, but in this case the director actually would have been well advised to imitate Ken Burns. After all, the book upon which this documentary was based contained no end of fascinating photographs. Instead what we get is Errol Morris, with plenty of over-arty recreations of bizarre incidents from small-town Wisconsin in the 1890s and 1900s. This isn’t a bad film, thanks at least in part to the excellent source material. However, it might have been better if the director had just avoided working it quite so hard. Mildly amusing

Review – The Front

McCarthyism as screwball comedy? Sure, why not. Woody Allen stars as a cashier and half-assed bookie who takes a step up in the world when he agrees to put his name on scripts by three blacklisted screenwriters. It almost goes without saying that he becomes a tremendous success, resulting in no end of “comedy of errors” hilarity culminating in a crisis of conscience when he’s called to testify before the HUAC. Though the script itself stays fairly light, its grim underpinnings unavoidably assume a certain “whistling past the graveyard” quality, made all the more poignant by the end credits spelling out which members of the ensemble were actual victims of the Red Scare. Worth seeing

Review – Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Perhaps the book was more entertaining. Or perhaps at least with the book it was harder to tell if game show creator and host Chuck Barris was really serious about being a contract killer for the CIA. In the movie the only challenge is trying to figure out if the guy’s an imaginative liar or a drug-addled nutjob. Honestly, when he says goodbye to “Lee” and “Jack” at the end of secret assassin school, well, it’s impossible to take it seriously after that (not that it was all that easy before). Overall the production comes across as the tale of a celebrity undone by his own mental illness, kind of like Auto Focus only Barris is still alive so the film-makers couldn’t be quite as unflinching with him as they were with Bob Crane. See if desperate

Review – O Brother Where Art Thou?

Take The Odyssey, twist it around a bit, plunk it down in the Depression-era South, and turn it over to the Coen brothers. If you’re a fan of music appropriate to the time and place, you should find this picture pure magic from start to finish. Even if the soundtrack doesn’t do it for you, there’s plenty of solid screenwriting and good visuals to keep you entertained. The Coens appear to be borrowing tricks from John Sayles and a handful of other directors, and as a result this is probably the most polished movie they’ve made to date. Even George Clooney isn’t too bad in the lead, though it isn’t much of a stretch for him to play a guy who’s nowhere near as charming as he thinks he is. The story’s a little hard on the animals in a couple of places, but other than that this is a genuinely enjoyable production. Worth seeing

Review – About Schmidt

Normally a sappy tale about a recently-retired insurance executive coming to grips with the aging process would lie squarely outside my viewing schedule. However, I’d heard good things about this movie, and eventually curiosity got the better of me. I just had to see for myself whether or not Jack Nicholson could pull off a role more than a little outside his usual type. But I was pleasantly surprised to watch everything come together. The plot bounces back and forth between clever and awkward, though even the awkward spots usually contribute nicely to character development. Mildly amusing

Review – Winged Migration

One and for all I’d like someone who makes wildlife documentaries to explain the compulsion among such people to portray their subjects dying violently. This unsavory element is particularly intrusive in this production. I found myself absolutely entranced by the footage of migratory birds (mostly geese) flying across breathtaking landscapes. The camerawork alone is enough to guarantee that you’ll never look at birds the same way again. But then bang! Out of nowhere we’ve got hunters killing the birds in midair. Then a goose dying in an oil slick. Then a smaller bird with a broken wing being killed and eaten by crabs. Then a baby penguin being killed by another bird. What makes matters even worse is that some of the close-ups of the birds were achieved by imprinting young geese so they’d trust the film-makers, trust that was evidently betrayed when the hunting shots were set up. As a result I seriously dispute the movie’s G rating. Further, this is the first time in my movie-reviewing career that a film has gone from four stars to two (and flirted with one) as rapidly as this one did. And that’s a real shame, because if the grim death was removed this would be a spellbinding masterpiece of cinematography not to mention a decent documentary. Mildly amusing

Review – Punch Drunk Love

This movie is actually kinda hard to review. It almost goes without saying that it’s likely to disappoint many of Adam Sandler’s fans, but that’s fine with me. It’s too film-school arty by far, but I’m used to that. The principal problem here is that most of the production is exceptionally annoying. We’re watching the world from the perspective of an emotionally-differently-abled small business owner, and his stiff, awkward outlook on life gives his story an unpleasant flavor. The dialogue seems contrived, the plot uneven, and even the soundtrack is so abrasive that at points it set my teeth on edge. But then came the conclusion. In the last few minutes of the movie everything comes together so nicely that by some miracle the whole thing turns out worthwhile. So if anyone ever tells you the end doesn’t justify the means, you might suggest this as a possible exception to the rule. It also served to remind me of the importance of watching movies all the way through. Mildly amusing

Review – Spun

Ready to view the world through the eyes of a witless meth junkie? I wasn’t. Generally I’m of the opinion that – while I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination – I do have enough money that if the unlikely urge to see what doing meth is like ever hits me I’ll just buy some rather than spending an hour and a half watching a stupid, jump-cut movie clearly designed to simulate the experience for the audience. The production includes some vaguely entertaining moments, particularly the animated sequences. But they’re far too few and far between. For the most part this is a gaggle of up-and-comings like Brittany Murphy matched up with down-and-goings like Mickey Rourke in a tedious, meandering story of the “kids, just say no” ilk. See if desperate

Review – Sick

What else would you call a documentary about Bob Flanagan, cystic fibrosis victim and masochist performance artist? This documentary is a real mixed bag. Some of the scenes, particularly footage of Flanagan’s performances, is fascinating stuff. However, a lot of the more personal material is hard to watch. For example, the director decides to include an extended sequence of shots of Bob in various places and times coughing and struggling for breath against the symptoms of CF. By this point in the movie the audience is familiar with the effects of his disease, so the sequence comes across as annoying and pointless. I’m also inclined to agree with Bob’s friend Sarah who says in one of the “special features” documentaries that watching him die in the end is a great deal harder than watching him nail the end of his dick to a board. And speaking of the special features, almost all of them are copiously infected with the director’s endless prattling, a damn shame given that he had a subject who was much more compelling than the movie made about him. That notwithstanding, those with at least moderately strong stomachs should enjoy most of this production. Mildly amusing

Review – A Little Princess

Obviously this one’s a little outside my usual viewing habits. That notwithstanding, I’ll admit to kinda liking this movie. Sure, it’s cliché-ridden, jam-packed with false gender consciousness and strange racial dynamics, afflicted with half a dozen different kinds of bad acting, and more than one or two other faults. That notwithstanding, I’d have to say that it does a charming job of subtly emphasizing the value of imagination and the inherent dignity of the human spirit, particularly the spirit of young girls struggling to keep their hopes alive in a rigid, hostile world. The acting’s not half bad, especially for a production with this many kids in it. And best of all, it manages to be charming and light-spirited most of the way through, only occasionally descending into the sort of melodrama only an uncritical child could love. On the other hand, I have it on good authority that the book is considerably better. Mildly amusing