Review – Cujo

When the villain in a movie is a rabid dog, you’ve gotta pretty much bet that you’re in for a whole bunch of animal-intensive violence. Matters aren’t helped here by the choice of canine, with the film-makers sticking to the Stephen King novel and casting a Saint Bernard in the role. The problem with this is that in most of the ostensibly-fear-inspiring shots the star of the show looks less like a rampaging demon and more like a hapless family pet liberally coated with tapioca. Every once in awhile a shot or two will work, but overall there’s just way too much shrieking kid, shrieking Dee Wallace, barking dog, ringing phone, and uninteresting subplot to make the experience worthwhile. See if desperate

Review – Snake Eyes

This Nicolas Cage thriller tries to do too much all at once. There just isn’t enough script here to pack in a murder mystery, a political thriller, an action adventure, and three-dimensional characters. As a result, we get a little mixture of each, with the end product serving up watered-down mystery, implausible political drama, mildly suspenseful action scenes, and characters we don’t get anywhere near as attached to as I think we were supposed to. Then the whole mess gets capped off with a hearty helping of jarring camerawork. This isn’t a bad film, particularly if you have an affection (or at least a tolerance) for Cage’s frenetic acting. It’s just not an especially good film, either. Mildly amusing

Review – There’s Something About Mary

This is without a doubt hands down the most uneven film I’ve ever seen. It goes from zero to hilarious in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately it goes right back down to zero just as quickly, and it stays there for extended stretches. Right away you’ve got to figure that any film where Ben Stiller and Cameron Diaz are the highlights, the low points are pretty low. Oh, and let’s not forget Bret Favre and the dog. Do you see where this is going? Neither do I. Mildly amusing

Review – The Jackal

This is another puzzling choice for a remake. Though The Day of the Jackal wasn’t exactly the greatest movie I ever saw, it did have a good-sized dose of 70’s-era European charm and sophistication. This film never rises much above mediocre international intrigue pot-boiling. For openers, Bruce Willis is a thing entirely unsuited to play a cold, calculating assassin, always looking as if he’d rather have his usual dirty tank-top back. Further, he steals a passport from a person who will miss it almost instantly (and commits several other equally foolish blunders). If Forsyth’s original novel is a manual for international terrorism, as some critics have charged, then this film is the manual on how to get caught. And I don’t know where they shot the sequences set in the Washington Metro, but it sure as heck wasn’t the Washington Metro. See if desperate

Review – Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Arnold’s back, only this time he’s a good-guy robot assassin assigned to protect the boy he was trying to subject to a little pre-natal murder in the first one. The sequel’s longer, but its bigger budget helps make the action scenes a little more impressive (especially the cool dream sequence where Los Angeles gets nuked). A little sappy at the end (okay, why is it wrong to kill people? It’s a question that’s posed several times but never concretely answered), but otherwise an enjoyable diversion. I recommend seeking out the special edition; the extra footage isn’t spectacular stuff, but the added character development does help a little. Worth seeing

Review – The Terminator

This is the film that really put director Jim Cameron on the map. All things considered, this is a pretty good blend of plot and action, with the ins and outs of trying to save Linda Hamilton from robot assassin Arnold Schwarzenegger intermixed with plenty of gunfights and car chases. Worth seeing

Review – The Believers

Martin Sheen’s character has troubles. He recently lost his wife to an accident involving a coffee maker. His son is having trouble adjusting. He’s got a full load at work counseling cops with mental problems. He’s trying to spark a rebound relationship with his landlady. And on top of everything else, a Santeria cult wants to use his kid as a human sacrifice. Naturally the cult leader and the bulk of his followers are people of color, and the protagonists are caucasian. Racist aspects aside, I guess I’ve seen worse horror movies. Mildly amusing

Review – The Other Sister

This is one of those movies that makes you feel like you signed some kind of a contract to have your heart warmed just by paying the price of admission. As is so typical with movies that prominently feature mentally differently-abled characters, it works the sentimental stuff pretty hard. And if not for the off-season release date, I would have guessed that this was a bid for a best supporting actress Oscar for Juliette Lewis; this was one of those roles that seemed tailor-made to play on Academy sympathies, and with Diane Keaton at least arguably the lead actress, Lewis played one of those parts that  seemed squarely intended as a “supporting” (wink, wink) role. Award aspirations aside, the acting is fairly good, occasionally supporting weak points in the script. Overall the film is good for a smile or two if the syrupy sweetness doesn’t send you into diabetic shock. Mildly amusing

Review – Smoke Signals

Movies written and directed by Native Americans are few and far between, and rarer still is the occasion when such a production makes it to even vaguely widespread distribution. But this particular production is worth seeking out. This is a quiet film, slowly but evenly paced, with a delightfully dry sense of humor. Loosely speaking, this is the tale of Victor, an angry young man, and Thomas, his misfit friend, who travel across the country to retrieve the ashes of Victor’s estranged father. But the real beauty here is in the details, all the subtle wit and genuine emotion that make films like this so rewarding. Worth seeing

Review – Tale of the Mummy

I wanted to like this movie. I really did. And I should have; it had a big dose of the creepy archaeological stuff that I like so much in horror movies. It just seemed like ever time it was ready to take off and run with the ball, it got bogged down on some obscure plot point or mummy movie cliché. Not helping matters was the fact that the mummy this time around isn’t a walking corpse as much as he’s a big, frequently amorphous collection of wrappings. Sometimes he’s a computer-animated menace that provides a chill or two, but he spends even more time looking like a big wad of masking tape. Jason Scott Lee puts in an acceptable performance, though often it seems like his heart’s not quite in it. The result: a film that seems to have a lot going for it, but somehow never quite pulls it all together. Mildly amusing

Review – Slums of Beverly Hills

Any coming-of-age movie that focuses on female adolescence deserves at least a little praise. And here we’ve got a valiant effort to do just that. Filmgoers who have been forced to endure endless “comedies” about male sexual maturation may enjoy a few woman-oriented breast- and vibrator-centered jokes as a change of pace if nothing else. Beyond that, however, the plot relies way too heavily on the quirkiness of an itinerant family that turns out not to be as quirky as they’re apparently supposed to be. Come for the novelty, stay for the occasional funny moment, but don’t expect too much else. Mildly amusing

Review – Being John Malkovich

If schizophrenics wrote screwball comedy, the result would no doubt be something along these lines. Clearly one of those low budget films that everyone in Hollywood wants to be in, this is hands-down one of the most bizarre movies ever to make wide release. The plot involves a collection of hapless people who find a secret door leading to the inside of John Malkovich’s mind. Though things get a little silly toward the end, for the most part the film succeeds on the strength of its own strangeness. You’ll probably need to be in the mood for quirkiness before you watch this one, but if such a mood does seize you then you should leave with your craving well sated. Worth seeing

Review – I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Unless something happens to the commercial success of this series, our grandchildren will be watching sequels to the original dog. I see a Social-Security-eligible Jennifer Love Hewitt starring in I Can’t Remember What I Had for Breakfast, But I Know What You Did Last Summer. In the current offering she’s still her nubile self, however, and still being pursued by a hook-wielding, vengeance-bent Gorton’s Fisherman. It looks like the budget might have been a little bigger this time around, because the production values are up a bit. Otherwise it’s still the same old stuff. See if desperate

Review – Cube

Aren’t we Kafka-esque? Isn’t this a brilliant statement about the extremities of human behavior when faced with an implacable, inexplicable, deadly puzzle? Wouldn’t you much rather rent something else? Um, yes to number three. This is a long, drawn-out, high-tech version of the old “what if a handful of archetypal characters were caught in a maze and had to cooperate to get out” scenario. This may be a little better than the usual version, inasmuch as the maze inflicts gory death on anyone who does it wrong. But otherwise we have the usual sad specimens of humanity struggling to use their “unique abilities” in tandem to crack the code and escape this overblown Barker-esque version of a Rubik’s Cube. Wonder-Twin powers, activate! See if desperate

Review – Beetlejuice

There’s a fair amount of charm in this Tim Burton film about a ghostly couple (Geena Davis, who’s never been more tolerable, and one of the Baldwins) trying to get rid of the new tenants of their house. I guess that Michael Keaton, as the “bio-exorcist” title character, is supposed to be the star of this film, but the real star is probably the art direction (a little past Pee-wee’s Big Adventure but not quite all the way to The Nightmare Before Christmas). Oh, and unless I’m mis-remembering things, this isn’t the movie that first gave us Winona Ryder, but it is the one that first put her on the map. Worth seeing

Review – The Mummy’s Hand

At least Lon Chaney Jr. isn’t in this one. Despite his absence, however, this is the usual parade of dry, dusty, walking corpses, ancient curses, sinister Egyptian baddies, valiant white heroes and damsels in distress. If anything, this rehash of the usual mummy clichés is made all the more annoying by the intrusion of enough comic relief to bring the plot to the border of an Abbot and Costello-style farce. Every once in awhile the hollow-eyed mummy gets a good camera angle, but other than that this film offers little or nothing even to die-hard sub-genre fans. See if desperate

Review – Volcano

I’m glad I didn’t see this movie in the theater, as it has got to be one of the loudest films I’ve ever watched; I’m sure that with the new eardrum-bursting speakers most theaters now have, I would have been completely deaf by the end of it. And the hearing loss would scarcely have been worth the sacrifice. Stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche both seem oddly miscast in this endless parade of bogus seismology, wooden dialogue and unbelievable plot twists. Top it all off with a pedantic and more than a little ludicrous message about Los Angelinos of all races coming together in the face of adversity, and you’ve got a real stinker on your hands. See if desperate

Review – The Last Broadcast

The idea for The Blair Witch Project was allegedly stolen from this lesser-known, low-budget production. Certainly this video was produced first, and there’s unquestionably a strong similarity between the two. Both involve a group of young, amateur video producers venturing into the wild in search of supernatural phenomena. But of the two, I thought this one was a lot better. For openers, it lacked the gut-wrenching camera jerking that became so legendary after motion-sickness-prone Blair Witch viewers became ill just from watching the film. Indeed, the entire production was much more skillfully assembled, looking more like a clever, Welles-esque window soaping than a tedious Watkins fakeumentary. Further, it used the Jersey Devil as its bete noir, and I can remember being spooked by Jersey Devil tales when I was a kid. Sadly, it can’t sustain the suspense, electing instead to lose focus, meander and resort to philosobabble. And it would be more than charitable to describe the final pay-off as less than satisfying. If only this one had used the Blair Witch ending, perhaps the concept would actually have worked. Mildly amusing

Review – Virus

The film-makers must have blown the bucks on the special effects and the galaxy of minor stars (Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland and Billy Baldwin in particular) that infest this picture. And I suppose that with all the money already spent that they were stuck scrounging a script from wherever they could find one. As a result, the plot is a hodge-podge of Alien, Star Trek: The Next Generation and around half a dozen other sources. Thus this is a pretty boring movie, especially for an action picture, unless you’ve never seen any of the other works being “borrowed” from here. See if desperate

Review – Operation Condor 2

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan flick. This one is ostensibly a sequel to another Chan movie that was probably made later (at least judging by Jackie’s appearance and the relative film quality). Here he does battle with Satanist monks who kidnap his ex-girlfriend. Worth seeing

Review – Logan’s Run

At some point in the polyester-track-suited future, the old “don’t trust anyone over 30” has become “everyone over 30 gets exterminated in ‘the fiery ritual of Carousel.’” Despite the scenery-chewing job done by Michael York in the lead role, this is a solid example of 70s-era science fiction; even without the pseudo-utopian costumes and plastic-fantastic set design, the mere presence of Farah Fawcett in a bit part would place it squarely in its historical niche. Be warned, however, that once our hero and the love interest manage to elude Box the TV dinner robot, the plot takes a turn for the dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Critters

Attack of the really fakey-looking muppets! This film tries to cash in on the backwash from Gremlins, but falls way short. There are a few mildly amusing sight gags from time to time, but otherwise you can miss this one unless you’ve got your heart set on seeing every bad horror movie ever set in the state of Kansas. See if desperate

Review – The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977)

Though neither as radical as previous productions – particularly the famous Island of Lost Souls – nor as well-crafted as its Brando-infested successor, this version of H.G. Wells’ famous tale has much to recommend it. Sure, Michael York and Burt Lancaster eat more than their share of the scenery, and the beast-men makeup is more than a little crude by today’s standards. Nonetheless, the script remains reasonably faithful to the source material. Overall the movie a good job of portraying the theme of unethical, inhuman science run riot. Mildly amusing

Review – The Fugitive

This big screen re-do of the semi-famous TV series isn’t too bad, but it’s mostly rescued by the performances of Harrison Ford (as the Wrong Man) and Tommy Lee Jones (as the Pursuing Force). The plot consists mostly of one close call after another as the good doctor flees from federal marshals and pursues the dreaded one-armed man who killed his wife. They spent a lot of money on the camerawork and the effects, and I guess that helps keep it moving as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Swing Shift

Rosie the Riveter becomes a sitcom starring Goldie Hawn? The amazing thing is that it almost works. In a vast field of movies about World War II, this is one of the few that focuses on the American home front and some of the difficulties women had adjusting to the loss of husbands and their new roles as members of the workforce. The movie is intended to be a light, romantic comedy, but ultimately the romance just seems to get in the way. Hawn and off-screen amour Kurt Russell work well enough together, but she’s supposed to be married to Ed Harris and that makes the whole thing more awkward than endearing. The plot dissolves a little at the end, but otherwise it keeps moving enough to be entertaining if not exactly thought-provoking. Mildly amusing

Review – The Ref

Trouble on the domestic front? Is your relationship with your spouse falling apart? Do your kids, in-laws, etc. hate your guts? Is it mutual? Well, apparently all you need is for a would-be burglar to come and take the whole crew hostage on Christmas Eve, and the wacky antics that ensue will have everything right as rain in no time. Okay, I know this sounds hokey as heck, and the thought of sitting through a mess of Denis Leary’s break-neck delivery doesn’t make it much more enticing. But oddly enough, this is actually a pretty good film. The dialogue is biting and sarcastic enough to keep it from getting too sappy (well, at least until right near the end).And amazingly enough, everybody learns a little bit about kindness without wallowing in a lot of Dickensian Yuletide-spirit nonsense. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy’s Curse

Ah, I can still hear the disembodied voice of the Friday Fright Night announcer ringing in my ears. “I hope the mummy doesn’t stub his toe. Then we’ll really hear the mummy’s curse! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh! At least if he hurts himself he’s already got plenty of bandages! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh!” And so on. Not to mention the scratchy, faded prints, the telecine so cheap that huge wads of lint balled up on the screen, dancing like giant bugs before being swept away in the celluloid tide. Those were the days. Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes. This sequel to The Mummy’s Tomb manages to surpass the original by a small measure, though for the most part it’s just more of the same parade of clichés. As if the traditional sinister Egyptian stereotypes weren’t offensive enough, this time they’ve added an African American character who delivers lines such as “De mummy’s loose and he’s dancin’ wit de debbil!” Nostalgia has its limits, and much of this is well beyond them. See if desperate