Review – Do Not Enter (2026)

Because if you spend some money making this kind of movie, this is still what you end up with. A social media production crew breaks into an abandoned hotel, and the additions of a rival gang and a Descent-esque plot twist don’t contribute anything interesting to the story. Some of the production design is surprisingly good, but otherwise this could have been made by a guy with a camcorder. See if desperate

Review – Zombie School

This comes so close to being so bad that it becomes charming. Amazon’s AI dubbing didn’t help matters, though I suspect the dialogue wasn’t exactly Oscar bait even in Korean. For the most part I was able to sit back and let the sheer plotless stupidity wash over me. Unfortunately a handful of scenes involve violence against animals, including some B roll of pigs in which they appear to actually be harmed. Cut that crap out and the rating would have gone up. See if desperate

Review – Insidious: The Red Door

Despite being a big Lin Shaye fan, I was relieved to see this series give up on the Scooby Doo prequels and return to the family from the first one. Unsurprisingly, hypnotically repressing memories of the whole journey-to-the-ghost-dimension thing just leaves father and son even more vulnerable when the same crap crops back up again. Maybe I was just in the mood for a dumb ghost story, but I really enjoyed this more than most of the other movies in the set. Mildly amusing

Review – The Conjuring: Last Rites

Though I’ve seen the word “last” used deceptively in horror series titles in the past, this did have the “tired of making these things” feeling that suggests an actual final chapter. If that proves true, then the Conjuring set ends with a whimper, neither as innovative as the first, as petulant as the second or as off-the-rails crazy as the third. I should also note that early in the movie, Ed Warren is giving the standard tour of his basement museum of evil curios, warning against touching because “everything in here is either possessed, haunted or has been used in a ritual.” At which point someone in my viewing group MST3K’d it with “Half this stuff has been in Anton LaVey’s ass.” After that it was impossible to grant the production the sense of gravitas it demanded. Mildly amusing

Review – Tarot (2024)

The title of the movie pretty much guarantees in advance that the story isn’t going to be rich in original thinking. Indeed, there’s no need to even summarize the plot. Imagine what you’d think it would be, and that’s what it was. But production values are reasonably good, and some of the shocks are at least kinda shocking. Mildly amusing

Review – Primitive War

The end credits are better than the rest of the movie, mostly because the video at the end sticks to a mix of the Vietnam War and dinosaurs without bothering with a nonsensical plot, wretched dialogue or dislikable characters. The effects team put some thought into their work, maybe too much so. For example, some of the CGI reflects the current theory that dinosaurs were feathered creatures that looked more like birds than reptiles. On the one hand, that’s an intriguing idea that’s worth putting in a movie. On the other hand, in more than one spot it looks far too much like the humans are being chased by giant chickens. A solid A for the concept, a B for the technical filmmaking, but no better than a D for everything else. See if desperate

Review – The Shrouds

Not for the first time, I began watching a David Cronenberg movie thinking “that’s an intriguing premise. I wonder if he’ll do something interesting with it.” And an hour or two later concluding “evidently not.” A billionaire sets up a graveyard with sophisticated imaging technology that allows mourners to watch their loved ones rot in real time. Is it a snide commentary on a moribund, media-obsessed society? No, it’s a blend of vaguely racist conspiracy nonsense and icky, fetishistic sex that suggests a career regression to the days of Naked Lunch and Crash. And while normally I would have walked away feeling cheated by the exceptionally weak ending, here I was just glad the damn thing was over. See if desperate

Review – The Carpenter’s Son

Predictably enough, this is what you get if you mix a horror movie, a Christian message piece and Nicolas Cage. During his unrecorded teenage years, Jesus has some awkward moments as he kinda figures out who he really is. The premise is interesting enough, but the writing is weak and the pace is lethargic. This also relies too heavily on tropes such as “snakes are demons” and “anyone who’s pretty but behaves strangely is automatically evil.” Mildly amusing

Review – Creature of the Mist

What an odd little movie. The story launches into huge-tentacle-monster-attacks-feudal-Chinese-city action almost immediately. But then just as fast it gets bogged down in arguments between characters from different social classes forced to shelter together in an inn. The action sequences were okay. The rest didn’t do as much for me. At least it was short. Mildly amusing

Review – Forbidden Empire

I’m in awe of this movie’s stubborn refusal to make any kind of sense. There are some good visuals here and there, and if you like the vaguely brain damaged humor of Russian horror fantasies you will find yourself well served. Beyond that, Russia’s number one box office hit of 2014 left me wondering how bad the rest of the country’s cinematic output must have been that year. Mildly amusing

Review – House of Darkness

Justin Long seems to have a particular talent for taking uncomfortably awkward social situations and making them infinitely worse, a gift that gets free rein in this relentless tale of a date gone horrifically wrong. Except for a pause in the middle and a brief moment of actual action at the end, the whole production is like reading texts from a douchebro trying to get laid. So In the Company of Men with vampires, a combination nobody asked for. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Blood and Snow

This is what John Carpenter’s The Thing would have been if everyone involved had been terrible at their jobs. Though there’s plenty of blame to go around, the leading culprit is the script. Other than brief monster moments here and there, the vast majority of the running time is given over to pointless bickering, much of which is difficult to follow let alone care about. The only thing I found even vaguely intriguing about this experience was speculation about what sort of abandoned building it was filmed in. Shopping mall? Hospital? It’s a mystery on par with how anyone managed to scrape together a budget for something this awful. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Grace: The Possession

Exorcism movies are notorious for having little to no sympathy for the victims of demonic possession. So I thought perhaps a movie shot almost entirely from the point of view of a woman trying to fight off a bad case of evil spirits might be an exception. Well, kinda. Predictably, strict adherence to the POV format imposes some limitations on the storytelling. Nor is it clear whose perspective we’re getting. Has the audience become the protagonist? The demon inside her? Somehow neutrally observing from inside her head? The story’s cohesive enough to get where it’s going, but I was genuinely disappointed by the lack of effort to really show what the experience would be like (beyond “full of rug-yanking hallucinations”). Mildly amusing

Review – Whisper of the Witch

Russian efforts to destroy the United States continue, here using our streaming services to attempt to bore us to death. Though their lips match the audio, the actors still seem as if they aren’t really speaking English. That syncs all too well with the meandering plot and cliché scares. An evil witch spirit creates generational havoc among local teens. See if desperate

Review – Dead Snow 2

Though I knew the original wasn’t exactly destined for a spot in the Criterion Collection, I hadn’t remembered it being quite as stupid as this. Apparently returning stolen gold to a pack of the zombie remains of genocidal monsters wasn’t enough to keep them at bay. So now zombie Soviets become the only hope of a Norwegian village targeted by the undead SS. Most of this works only on a slapstick comedy level with a five year old’s fascination with things messy and gross. See if desperate

Review – Weapons

Rare indeed is the horror movie that can accurately be described as “tightly plotted.” And rarer still of late has been the horror movie that makes a genuine effort to be scary. This one does it. The story starts with all the kids but one in a grade school glass running out of their homes in the middle of the night and vanishing. The mystery slowly unravels from multiple perspectives, taking several creepy turns along the way. Worth seeing

Review – The Monkey

Is it fair to complain that a movie about an evil toy monkey is stupid? I hope so, because wow was this ever dumb. Stephen King’s source story wasn’t the author’s finest moment, but it might have made fodder for something better than a witless horror comedy. See if desperate

Review – Highway to Hell

I guess I don’t have too much trouble believing that hell looks like a terrible movie from the 80s. A demonic cop kidnaps a woman from the title location, and her fiancee spends the rest of the picture negotiating with a range of implausible characters in an attempt to find and free her. If Orpheus and Euridice had been dropped on their heads as babies, this is how their story might have played out. See if desperate

Review – City of the Dead

City? This is a village at best. And as the antagonists are immortal witches, that’s kinda the opposite of “dead.” Nor does the oddness stop with the title. For example, I thought it particularly peculiar that the ingenue protagonist of the first half of the story sports some seriously Lili St. Cyr lingerie. Sadly, we’re all used to seeing Christopher Lee take roles in movies with terrible scripts. However, for a production that’s otherwise so flimsy, the cinematography is top flight. Again, odd. Mildly amusing

Review – Scars of Dracula

The IMDb page for this movie is more entertaining than the movie itself. It quotes Christopher Lee as having remarked, "I was a pantomime villain. Everything was over the top, especially the giant bat whose electrically motored wings flapped with slow deliberation as if it were doing morning exercises." And if that isn’t a sufficiently succinct indication of the experience that awaits viewers, the first five descriptors on the IMDb list are “female rear nudity, big breasts, buttocks, climbing up a wall, and cleavage.” See if desperate