Review – House of Frankenstein

The saga from Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man drags on for an additional 90 minutes. All the usual stock characters are here, from the title baddies down to the de rigeur villagers. Heck, even Dracula (played by John Carradine, no less) makes a brief appearance. The basic story line is also strictly leftovers. The mad scientist (Boris Karloff, on the other side of the Tesla coils for a change) wants to put everyone’s brains in everyone else’s bodies. The Wolf Man wants to whine about how nice it would be to be dead. The fortune teller wants the Wolf Man (at least in his non-furry form). The hunchback wants the fortune teller. And Frankenstein’s monster mostly just seems to want to lie there, arising at the end just long enough to toss some villagers around and bring the plot to an end. Mildly amusing

Review – Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Even by the relatively low standards set by previous movies based on video games, this one’s pretty stupid. The story is some mumbo jumbo about ancient relics, planetary convergence, long-lost fathers, the Illuminati, and so on. But of course none of that is the point here. There are also plenty of high-jumping, kung fu kicking, effects-intensive action sequences, though not quite as many as I expected (and a few more might have been a nice break from the thoroughly uninteresting plot exposition and what passes for character development). But the violence wasn’t really the point, either. The point, as near as I can tell, is to provide male adolescents with as hefty a dose as possible of Angelina Jolie as the physical embodiment of top-heavy battle hero Lara Croft, complete with a seemingly endless parade of tight-fitting combat fashions. So if that’s what you want, then you’re going to get your money’s worth. Otherwise it might be better spent elsewhere. See if desperate

Review – To Kill a Mockingbird

Classic novel becomes classic movie, telling the tale of a small southern town beset by a Scottsboro-esque racial incident. Gregory Peck heads a cast of then-unknowns, including a really young Robert Duvall as the mysterious Boo Radley. Though the message is sometimes a bit heavy handed and the script occasionally a bit self-indulgent when it comes to literary affectations (such as the awkward incorporation of the title into the plot), in general the limited mawkishness is more than offset by the child’s-eye view of society’s petty prejudices and hatreds. Worth seeing

Review – Shadow of the Vampire

If the Academy gave out Oscars for Best Premise, this would have won hands-down. The root of the story here is the amusing notion that Max Schreck, the actor who played the lead in F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu, really was a vampire. John Malkovich (Murnau) and Willem DaFoe (Schreck) turn in outstanding performances, as does the rest of the cast (including one of my personal faves, Eddie Izzard). DaFoe’s makeup is great, and the other technical elements of the production work well together to capture the grim feel of 1920s German Expressionism. However, the real star of the movie is the script. The action and dialogue manage to successfully balance on the fine line between arty pretense and dark humor. The final product isn’t exactly a light comedy. Further, the goths that usually make up a chunk of the traditional vampire flick audience may find themselves alienated by the loathsome, distinctly unromantic portrayal of the bloodsucker. That aside, this should be a thoroughly enjoyable experience for anyone with the time and disposition to pay attention to it. DVD renters can also try watching this with the director’s commentary on for a little behind-the-scenes stuff and a whole lot of pseudo-intellectual blather. Worth seeing

Review – An American Werewolf in London

This one’s a real darling of many werewolf movie fans. And though I usually count myself as a member of that particular crowd, for some reason this outing just didn’t do as much for me as it should have. My lack of satisfaction might have been due in part to my long-standing antipathy for horror-comedy mixes, particularly when they’re more on the comedy side. Further, the script spends so much time dwelling on the “werewolf rules” that I’d almost swear I was watching a vampire movie. On the other hand, this one’s got several things going for it, not the least of which is a monster that’s obviously neither a big dog nor a guy in a suit. There are also some good scares to be found here, such as the odd Nazi-demon-nightmare sequence. When the movie’s being shocking rather than silly, it’s a lot of fun. If that had just been a little more of the total running time, director John Landis would have been looking at a higher rating for his effort. Mildly amusing

Review – Local Hero

As near as I can tell, the entire human race is divided into three camps: those who have never seen this movie, those who think this is the greatest movie ever made (or at the very least one of the greatest), and those who just don’t get it. If you’re in the first camp, your mission is simple: sign off the Internet immediately, drive to the nearest video store, rent this movie and watch it. If you’re joining me in the second group, welcome aboard (I’ll get with you later and teach you the secret handshake). If you’re in the third set, you have my sympathy. I can’t explain the appeal or otherwise talk you into seeing what your more fortunate peers find in this treasure. Beyond that, the only thing I can say here is that if I had a five-star rating this would be one of only a small handful of films that would enjoy the distinction. The DVD includes no special features of note but is still worth a look due to the widescreen format, audio-visual clarity and lack of deterioration upon repeat viewings. Given the chances that you’re going to watch this one again and again, that third feature alone might be reason enough to buy the disc. Buy the disc

Review – House

Well, yeah, this does in fact take place in a house. How descriptive. The concept here, however unoriginal, is at least solid: a writer beset by writer’s block inherits his aunt’s house only to discover that it’s haunted. Ah, if only it hadn’t been haunted by some of the most dreadful rubber monsters in rubber monster history. There’s also a chunk of Vietnam stuff stirred in for good measure, though for the record this theme was just as trite when this movie first came out as it is now. There’s also a lot of unpleasant and unnecessary menacing of children in parts, though any menacing done by the goofy latex puppets in this stinker plays as comedy more than horror. And that raises the question of just who exactly was the intended audience. It’s too violent for the pre-teen crowd and too silly and thrill-free for much of anyone else. See if desperate

Review – The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

This movie is nowhere near as charming or clever as it needed to be to succeed as a high-stakes art theft story. For openers, Rene Russo was wrong for the role of the suave, sophisticated insurance investigator out to catch billionaire art thief Thomas Crown (Pierce Brosnan). The script and direction also fall a little flat. Overall, the picture just doesn’t keep moving, dwelling on a chemistry-free romance between the leads that was evidently supposed to be the focus of the film. And that’s a bit of a shame, because with the budget the film-makers had, they could have made an interesting caper flick along the lines of Sneakers. Mildly amusing

Review – The Boondock Saints

I don’t even know where to start. Unintelligible Irish hooligans (and they’re the heroes). Willem DaFoe in drag. Brutal, pointless slaying of a cat (by the heroes, no less). The list goes on and on. The director appears to have put a lot into his production. Sadly, all he seems to have to offer us is a bargain-basement Tarantino doing the revenge-on-mobsters plot Don Pendleton and Frank Castle wore out decades back. I guess maybe he thought re-working it as an ultra-violent caper movie would somehow make it less dull. Um, nope. Guess not. Only a brief appearance by Billy Connoly (as an Irish hit-man, for crying out loud) saves this stinker from the very bottom of the ratings heap. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – This Is Spinal Tap

Here we have the ultimate rockumentary parody, the one that all others are ultimately judged against (and usually found wanting). Even audience members unfamiliar with some or even most of the bands being mocked should nonetheless be able to thoroughly enjoy the clever humor that runs at a constant high level throughout (though, as one of the characters observes, “there’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.”) Michael McKean, Christopher Guest and Harry Schearer play the three lead members of a British heavy metal band that meets with mixed results during a concert tour of the United States. Several of the key scenes (particularly the “Stonehenge” sequence) are so funny and so popular that they’ve become comedy clichés. Though the guys tried to keep the gag running in subsequent projects, Spinal Tap never produced anything else that matches the entertainment value of the original. The DVD includes some funny, unused scenes and several other extras. Buy the disc

Review – 3000 Miles to Graceland

There’s just got to be an easier way to make a living than dressing up like an Elvis impersonator and staging a bloody robbery of a Las Vegas casino. Of course if you’re Kurt Russell or Kevin Costner, maybe you’re just happy to have work at all. Cast as the villain, Costner turns out to be the highlight of the movie. He’s so wrong for the role that it actually ends up working out in an odd way. If nothing else, the scene where he sneaks through a police roadblock by pretending to be a sports fan is not to be missed. Otherwise, unfortunately, the plot wavers somewhere between vaguely entertaining in a silly road picture sort of way and vaguely nerve-grating in a Quentin Tarrantino sort of way. The final product is an over-long blend of humor and violence that works just often enough to justify the rental price but not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – Flesh + Blood

Though I don’t normally devote much time in reviews to the locations where I see movies, I have to say at the outset here that I was genuinely astounded to see this old Paul Verhoeven movie show up on the Women’s Entertainment cable channel. After all, how many women really want to sit through an hour and a half of rape, pillage and other assorted forms of anti-woman violence? The story – such as there is one – follows the exploits of a band of mercenaries in Renaissance Europe who get fired by their overlord and proceed to sack the countryside. Various plot twists ensue, most of which involve a young, kidnapped noblewoman (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and the leader of the bandits (Rutger Hauer back in the pre-unsightly-tub-of-guts days). If you’re a teenage boy, there’s a good chance you’ll get a real kick out of the tits and gore (though not in the WE-edited version). Everyone else can safely stay away. See if desperate

Review – The Doorway

For the most part this is just another run-of-the-mill, low-budget horror flick. Goodness knows all the stock elements are here: bad script, bad acting, bad effects and general low production quality. But then, right after our college student heroes get run out of their demon-infested abode, Roy Scheider shows up. I sincerely hope that he’s a close blood relative of someone in the cast or crew and he just did this movie as a favor. Despite the small shot of star power Scheider injects, there’s little to commend this cheap reheat of the tried and true doorway to hell plot. See if desperate

Review – The Park Is Mine

Remember the days when deranged Vietnam veterans were the flavor of the week? If not, this’ll likely jog your memory (or bring you up to speed, if you were too young to catch this wave the first time it crested). Tommy Lee Jones plays a disgruntled ‘Nam vet who decides to take over New York’s Central Park in an attempt to call attention the plight of his fellow vets and other folks who’ve gotten a bum deal from society. The drama that ensues between the well-intentioned psycho and the Big Apple’s Finest is fairly amusing in a survivalist sort of way (though it does get a bit silly toward the end when the cops bring in mercenaries to try and kill the protagonist). Unfortunately, there’s also a lot of filler material stuffed in here as well, including a subplot involving a telejournalist who sneaks into the park to get an exclusive and ends up Stockholming with her subject. Overall, the concept was a bit more amusing than the execution. See if desperate

Review – Horror 101

Hmmm. Looks to me like someone needs to go back and take Horror 098 – Remedial Horror. The guys who made this stinker seriously need to learn the importance of simple things like story, characters, effects and the like. At the very least, it might have been nice to have gotten something for my rental dollars besides a low-budget reheat of plots pilfered from the recent wave of teen-oriented slasher movies. They aren’t even stealing from the good ones; this one’s a heavy “borrow” from the Urban Legend sequel. The characters aren’t just bad, they’re so annoying that I started wishing for their swift and violent ends (a wish that went largely unfulfilled). Without at least a small modicum of gore or other visceral content, movies this bad don’t stand a chance. Add Bo Derek in a desperation walk-on, and the how-not-to list is complete. Class dismissed. See if desperate

Review – Thirteen Days

Kevin Costner returns to Camelot, this time as administration insider Kenny O’Donnell in this fascinating drama about the Cuban Missile Crisis. I’m guessing that you probably have to go into this experience with at least a little independent interest in the subject at hand. Otherwise it’s likely to play as another slickly-produced yet otherwise mediocre political thriller. But if the Kennedy-era Cold War floats your boat, you should enjoy this trip. The production does a solid job of portraying the personalities, situations, and dramas grand and petty in the fortnight that brought the world to the brink of nuclear war. Further, the DVD has some terrific bonus features, including background documentary footage on many of the key players and events of the crisis. Worth seeing

Review – HorrorVision

Someday I’m going to learn to check for the Full Moon label and make sure it’s not on the box before I rent videos (and apparently even the DVD market isn’t safe from this crud anymore). This appears to be some sort of terrible, low-budget remake of The Matrix; and here “remake” is just about completely synonymous with “rip-off.” Anyone who’s read my review of The Matrix already knows that even a good imitation would be starting off on the wrong foot. This movie takes another step or two in the wrong direction by removing the action sequences and special effects that represented the only tolerable part of the Keanu Reeves version. Additional “benefits” here include acting that wouldn’t pass muster in most high school drama classes and a script bad enough to peel paint off the walls. Wish I’d skipped it