Review – Beowulf (1999)

First the Abrams Star Trek and now this thing. This just isn’t my week for “retrofits” of classic tales. This one drags everyone’s favorite Geat kicking and screaming into a nebulous, Beyond Thunderdome-y future or alternative reality in which humanity doesn’t have cars or firearms but still possesses loudspeakers and crimping irons. A platinum blonde Christopher Lambert plays the hero, doing battle first with a sometimes-invisible, Alien-looking monster and then its boobs-blurred-out-for-SyFy mother. This was almost enough to make me want the Neil Gaiman version back. Almost. See if desperate