Review – Body Heat

Here we have Double Indemnity remade with a whole lot of steamy sex. John Hurt and Kathleen Turner star back in the days when they were still young enough to walk around onscreen with their clothes off. This is a good movie to watch when your A/C breaks down on a really hot summer night. That way you can really feel the sultry, stultifying atmosphere. Sadly, the whole Florida in the early eighties thing is the only thing that really works. The plot is yet another one of those twisted melanges of plots gone awry and conspirators engaged in an endless game of double-cross. Mildly amusing

Review – Wolfen

This isn’t your average werewolf movie. For openers, despite the amount of time devoted to the red-herring shapeshifting subplot, the monsters turn out not to be werewolves at all. For most of the film they’re shadowy creatures that we never get a good look at. Indeed, the shock shots are almost downright subtle, and they’re all the creepier for their lack of explicit special effects. Sadly, toward the end the production becomes a heavy-handed bit of environmentalist propaganda, and the beasts become cute, fluffy dogs who’s wire-induced snarling would be a lot more menacing if they didn’t wag their tails. Gregory Hines and Tom Noonan in supporting roles outshine Albert Finney in the lead. However, even the corpulent Finney gets points for having the guts to do a scene that by all appearances was actually shot at the very top of one of New York’s bridges. As a matter of passing, I also note that this is one of the few films Hollywood ever made that features more male than female nudity. Believe it or not, Edward James Olmos was once actually buff enough to pull off full frontal. Mildly amusing

Review – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Immortal classic of the horror genre or nearly unwatchable piece of indie garbage? Well, probably both. When this movie is gets going, it’s one of the best (and most genuinely scary) horror movies I’ve ever seen. Supposedly based at least in part on the crimes of Wisconsin cannibal El Gein, unfortunately ait gets bogged down all too frequently by then-novice director Tobe Hooper’s absolutely abysmal sense of timing. He comes up with good shocks, but then he starts running them over and over and over until they don’t work anymore. In fact, toward the end the film becomes a torment to even try and watch. I think it’s worth a look because of the things it does right, but those brave souls who decide to give it a chance are going to have to sit through a lot of the things it does wrong. Worth seeing

Review – Wizards

Imagine Charles “Peanuts” Schultz dropping acid and reading J.R.R. Tolkein, and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what’s in store for you in this vintage Ralph Bakshi offering. I can remember being impressed by this movie the first time I saw it, but that was many years ago when animation in general wasn’t especially sophisticated, I was a lot younger, and it was a lot easier to win me over with little more than scantily-clad elf women. Viewing it again all these years later, I’m more than a little embarrassed that I used to like this dog. The script is a dreadful, ham-handed hash of anti-war platitudes, and the rotoscoping from Eisenstein (among other sources) that seemed so avant garde once upon a time now just seems as dated as the theme. The nicest word I can think of to describe this picture is “quaint,” and other, less friendly words – such as “preachy,” “ill-conceived,” and “stupid” – also come to mind. See if desperate

Review – The Sands of Iwo Jima

Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me? This has to be the ultimate expression of the United States Marine Corps’ self-image, at least as far as its role in World War Two is concerned. We’ve got all the stock characters and cliché situations: the tough-as-nails sergeant with the heart of gold (played by the Duke himself), the over-educated kid with the chip on his shoulder who nonetheless learns to be a manly man and a team player, the irresponsible guy who learns a hard lesson about the seriousness of war, the Jewish guy (who gets killed), the other ethnic guy (Greek, who also gets killed), and so on. Of course, the movie also features the rampant racism (count the number of times the word “nip” appears) and obnoxious sexism common in pictures of this genre and era. And then of course there’s the ultimate cliché: the raising of the flag at the end of the flick. If you like movies of this general sort, don’t miss this one. Mildly amusing

Review – From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

If the first From Dusk Till Dawn was boring and stupid, then pejoratives are completely inadequate to describe this sequel. Cracker cops battle vampire bank robbers in a fight that sadly both sides can’t lose. The volume of bat violence in this dog would be unendurable if the fake-looking rubber things didn’t look quite so much like chihuahuas with wings. The result is one of those movies where you just sit there waiting for it to get clever or interesting or entertaining or anything, and instead it just moves from one cheap, dull gore shot to the next. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Princess Bride

Yeah, I know it’s a juvenile movie. It’s goofy. It’s sentimental. It’s a lot of fantasy silliness. It’s extremely sexist. Parts of it are annoying (I worked with a guy back when this was in theaters who would wander around the office repeating “Hello my name is Inigo Montoya you killed my father prepare to die” over and over again). But despite all that, I really like this film. There’s just something charming and disarming about the simple characters and straightforward plot. I wouldn’t hold it up as a shining example of cinema art, but it’s a good way to spend a couple of pleasant hours on a quiet Saturday afternoon. Worth seeing

Review – From Beyond

Here we have a straight-to-video version of H.P. Lovecraft’s tale of a device that uncovers the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons that exists all around us. At least I think Lovecraft’s story is in here somewhere. It’s buried under a big pile of bad, latex monsters and adolescent sexuality. Someday someone should make a version of this story without resorting to rape and various other unwelcome additions. But Empire Pictures most likely isn’t going to be the studio that does it. Ken Foree (of Dawn of the Dead fame) does a good job in a supporting role, but otherwise this outing’s mostly missable. See if desperate

Review – I Walked with a Zombie

Fans of the low-budget, black and white, minimalist approach to horror movies that producer Val Lewton made famous should enjoy this one, which some critics consider his best ever. Personally, I’m a little more partial to Cat People, but this is a fine film as well. I was particularly impressed by the treatment of the Black characters. Like just about every other voodoo movie ever made, you couldn’t exactly describe it as racially sensitive. But at least a couple of the non-white characters were portrayed in a sympathetic light. The plot follows the adventures of a nurse who travels to the island of St. Sebastian (presumably somewhere in the Caribbean) to care for the peculiar wife of the local land baron. As it turns out, the wife is peculiar because she’s a walking corpse. As usual with Lewton’s work, some of the movie seems a little awkward and dated now, but there are still a few genuine chills to be found. Worth seeing

Review – Mystery, Alaska

Though on the surface this is a “hockey movie,” you don’t have to really love the sport to get a kick out of it. The cast of quirky, small-town Alaskans (headed by Russell Crowe) occasionally come across as a little contrived, as does the vaguely Local Hero-esque plot revolving around an amateur hockey team taking on the New York Rangers. The script falls victim to its share of sports movie clichés, but it also manages more than its share of clever moments. If heart-warming gives you heartburn, stay clear. But if you can stand the jock flick conventions then this should prove to be a pleasant viewing experience. Mildly amusing

Review – Play It to the Bone

Um, tell it to the hand. This is one of those movies that’s just trying a little too hard to be quirky and clever. Ostensibly it’s about a couple of has-been boxers trying to get back in the game by fighting each other as the first bout on a Tyson card. However, by the time the movie is over there’s a whole lot of road picture and more than just a few gay bonding buddy gags. Once the duo finally makes it to Las Vegas and gets the fight underway, the production’s not too bad (though again a bit overwrought). Unfortunately, the fight itself takes up only a small percentage of the total running time, most of the rest of the picture given over to an endless car ride through the desert colored by uninteresting, empty-headed dialogue and implausible plot twists. The cast (including Woody Harrelson and Antonio Banderas in the leads) gives it a good try, but they just can’t do much with the terrible script. See if desperate

Review – Back to the Beach

I have absolutely no idea if this movie is more entertaining if you’ve actually seen all or at least some of the old beach pictures being satirized. But even if you haven’t, there are still enough moments here to keep the production entertaining in a goofy sort of way. Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello seem to be thoroughly enjoying themselves as they parody the flicks that made them famous back in the 60s. But the high points tend to center around the many cameo roles by TV stars from the 50s and 60s, not to mention Pee-wee Herman and Fishbone. The result is pure saltwater taffy for your grey matter, but if you’re in the mood for some witless cheerfulness you could do a lot worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Friday the 13th Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell, The Final Friday

Ever wonder why the authorities (or anyone else, for that matter) never tumble to the notion of doing away with the likes of Jason Voorhees once and for all by just blowing him up? Well, here’s the answer to that thorny problem. Apparently if you blow Jason into a million bits, it gives him the amazing ability to psychically cause the coroner doing the largely-unnecessary autopsy (cause of death = blown into a million bits = case closed) to eat his diseased heart like a jelly doughnut. From there our ol’ slasher buddy’s spirit hops from body to body, stealing plot devices from other horror movies to keep his reign of terror alive. Honestly, who would have thought that at this late point in the series they’d suddenly feel the need to introduce a plot to justify Jason’s hacking? Of course, we’ve seen the word “final” in a Friday the 13th title before, but at least so far they appear to be serious about leaving him dead this time. Knock on wood. See if desperate [And then along comes #10, crushing the hopes of Jason-intolerant individuals everywhere]

Review – Murder at 1600

The pot boils again on yet another D.C.-intensive action-mystery-thriller. All the staples of the genre are here: the tough, street-wise cop who plays by his own rules (Wesley Snipes), the long-suffering partner who tries to reign him in (Diane Lane), a brutal crime, a bevy of sinister government types, and of course more conspiracies and plot twists than you can shake a stick at. The movie is notable more for its copious use of Washington-area locations than anything it actually contributes to the art of film-making. However, it did leave me wondering: just exactly how much do D.C. street cops and Secret Service agents get paid? Both of the protagonists live in digs that are – especially by Washington standards – palatial, well beyond the salaries I hope even the most gifted rank-and-file civil servants receive. Mildly amusing

Review – In the Woods

I suppose it was inevitable that The Blair Witch Project would end up spawning at least some of this every-moron-with-a-camcorder approach to making horror movies. Of course, this particular brand of amateurish tripe has more in common with early Full Moon (back when it was still Empire) than the pseudo-documentary Blair Witch style. It’s hard to pick the worst element of this dog; the shot-on-video production values, wooden acting and witless script are all solid contenders. But I think the edge goes to the not-very-special effects. Honestly, the monsters on the original Star Trek series weren’t this cheap. The idea of making a movie about a couple of guys pursued by something they unearth out in the woods might have had some potential, but the execution is definitely lacking. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

This has got to be a joke, right? Sort of like the snide suggestions that the next Friday the 13th movie should be called Jason Surfs Hawaiian or Jason Does Dallas. Well, despite how laughable the whole thing is, the film-makers actually appear to be serious about it. This time Jason hacks his way through a cruise ship (which looks suspiciously like an old freighter) full of – yeah, say it with me now – teenagers. Eventually the remnants of the cast make it to the Big Apple, where they must contend with gang members as well as the tried-and-true reanimated corpse. Eighth verse, same as the first (or at the very least the second). See if desperate