Review – The Masque of the Red Death (1964)

I admit that I have a weak spot in my heart (or maybe in my head) for these old sixties-era Vincent Price and Roger Corman adaptations of the short stories of Edgar Allen Poe. So I hope you all will forgive me if I enjoyed this picture more than I really should have. It’s the usual dreadful American International Pictures-style flick full of cheap sets (ideal for consumption by the hammy leads), nubile no-name British actresses and dreadful dialogue. I suppose I should hate what they’ve done to my favorite Poe story (not to mention stirring in bits from “Hop-Frog,” another one of my favorites). But for some reason I just have a hard time raising much rancor for Price’s ever-so-gosh-darn-earnest outings, even when they sink to the level of absurdity found in the ending of this flick. Verdict: mildly amusing

Review – Krippendorf’s Tribe

This is the farthest anyone’s gone to make a situation comedy about academic misconduct since Animal House. This time, however, it’s the professor rather than the students who is breaking the rules. Richard Dreyfus plays an anthropologist who is compelled by circumstances beyond his control to invent a lost New Guinea tribe and then document its existence. The resulting high jinks are left to carry the bulk of the film without much support from either the acting or the script. It’s sort of cute, but not much more. If dinner theater has a celluloid equivalent, here it is. Mildly amusing

Review – Rushmore

At the outset I should admit that I ended up liking this film more than I thought I would. To be sure, many of the elements that I thought would put me off were in fact present, particularly the sexist competition between a misfit teenager and an odd millionaire for the attention of a school teacher. And it does seem to be working a little too hard to be clever. Excessive effort notwithstanding, for the most part the quirkiness works. It’s no Harold and Maude – to which it was compared by some critics no doubt thanks at least in part to the alienated youth theme and the Cat Stevens songs on the soundtrack – but it’s a cute bit of diversion. Mildly amusing

Review – Citizen Kane

How many films have I described as “not exactly Citizen Kane”? Well, this is the benchmark against which all those other unfortunate offerings have been judged and found wanting. Actually, this film is sort of like Shakespeare to me, in that I’ve been told how great it is so many times that I’m not sure how much of what I feel for it is my own opinion and how much is simple indoctrination. Of two things I am reasonably certain, however: this picture features some revolutionary cinematography and editing, work that has been copied over and over many times since, and Orson Welles had to have had an amazing amount of guts (or something) to take on the likes of William Randolph Hearst. I could rattle on and on about this one, but that would defeat the purpose of a capsule review. So I’ll just leave it at: buy the tape

Review – Pee-wee’s Big Adventure

Rare indeed is the combo that works as well as director Tim Burton and star/writer Paul Reubens. With the addition of writer Phil Hartman (who makes a cameo appearance late in the movie), they’ve got a lock on the ability to bring out the playful, fiendish nature of the inner child. Most of the jokes are best when served fresh (especially the Large Marge sequence), but even after repeated viewings the humor remains fairly infectious. Of course the constraints of theatrical release required the removal of some of the raunchier elements of the old Pee-wee Herman Show, though a few manage to creep in here and there. Overall, however, this is just good fun that will appeal to a variety of age groups. However, be warned: the DVD version has been edited to remove a couple of the technical “rough spots” from previous releases, rough spots that I think Burton would have preferred to have left in because they turned out to be funny. On the other hand, the disc includes commentary, out-takes and some other fun extras. Worth seeing

Review – Xtro: Watch the Skies

Someday I’ve got to learn to swallow my ambition and give up the goal of watching at least one movie for every letter of the alphabet within each calendar year. The challenge leads me to some real acts of desperation when it comes to Qs, Xs and Zs. And this particular offering is around the lowest I’ve ever stooped. Not to be confused with a 1982 picture with a similar name, this is a weak tale of some marines who encounter a space alien on a deserted island. During the course of the movie the script manages to steal from just about everything from Aliens, The Thing and Predator right down to the Tonya Harding skating scandal. There’s also some fuzzy bunny death (the things are constantly hanging around everywhere; it’s like watching some kind of extra-demented episode of the Teletubbies), but it’s so obviously fake that it’s hard to get real upset about it. Side note to Tom Hanks: you’ve gotta be a multi-gazillionaire at this point. Why don’t you pony up a little cash for your younger brother so he doesn’t have to appear in amateurish tripe like this? It’s just a thought. I don’t wanna get caught up in your family business. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Her Alibi

Here’s a situation comedy that runs out of both situation and comedy fairly early on. The basic plot involves a best-selling author who tries to cure his writer’s block by providing an attractive Romanian murder suspect with a false alibi. He then draws inspiration from his suspicion that she’s trying to kill him. Believe it or not, things go downhill from there. The result is hard to swallow, even as a Saturday-afternoon-it’s-on-cable-and-I’m-too-lazy-to-change-the-channel movie. See if desperate

Review – The Wings of the Dove

If I’m watching a movie based on Henry James’s writing, you can pretty much bet that it’s intended to be some kind of a horizon-broadening exercise rather than something I willingly sought out. James is one of the few authors that I literally cannot stand to read. Furthermore, I have a tremendous problem identifying with any character whose primary motivation is a fear of having to work for a living, and this movie is practically crawling with them. Indeed, our smarmy English protagonists set out to victimize a dying woman in order to save themselves from the wide world of employment. I suppose a sense of opprobrium should redeem the overall drama, but somehow the moral doesn’t justify the long, grim fable. See if desperate

Review – Rush Hour

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan flick. Actually, he’s getting to the point where he commands bigger budgets with higher production values, better scripts, and actual co-stars. But down deep the charm is still mostly the action sequences. Worth seeing

Review – Hellraiser: Bloodline

After the first two Hellraiser sequels were called Hellbound and Hell on Earth, I figured they had a real concept going. I was actually looking forward to Number Four. What would it be? Pinhead invades NASCAR in Hell on Wheels? Explores the fast-paced world of high finance in Hell to Pay? Disrupts a picnic in Hell in a Hand-basket? We should be so lucky! Instead what we get here is a muddled melange of three separate but interrelated stories set in the 18th, 20th and 21st centuries. Pinhead is a pathetic shadow of his former self (I guess getting killed as many times as he has takes a lot out of a guy), and his sidekick cenobites are as silly as the goofy plots. I suppose I should be grateful that Mister Crazy CD-head Guy didn’t make it back for this one. But I’m not. In fact, about the only thing I’m grateful for at this point is that this Alan-Smithee-lasted-about-a-week-in-theaters piece of dog flop is probably the final nail in the bald, blue head of the Hellraiser series. It should have died a more dignified death. Wish I’d skipped it. [Okay, I admit I was wrong about this stinker managing to kill the series. But I still stand by the rest of the review.]

Review – Addams Family Values

Apparently after the first Addams Family movie the geniuses in Hollywood figured out what a hot property they had in young Christina Ricci. So they gave her a much bigger part in the sequel, sending Wednesday and Pugsley off to camp for some of funniest moments in the film. Otherwise this is pretty much just a recycled version of the first one, with the plot driven by family problems caused by Fester (here spurred on by a would-be-husband-killer played by the ever-adorable Joan Cusack). Sadly, there will probably be no more Addams movies; Christina Ricci is now too old, and Raul Julia is too dead. Mildly amusing

Review – Black Mask

The budgets are getting bigger and the effects, editing and choreography more sophisticated, but otherwise this Jet Li vehicle is still the same old martial arts soup Bruce Lee used to serve up. In fact, the Black Mask costume donned by Li is more than a little reminiscent of Lee’s character in the old Green Hornet series. The Universal Soldier-esque plot – little more than a cheap excuse to bridge the fight sequences together – involves a former member of an elite squad of super soldiers doing battle with former-comrades-turned-drug-gang-assassins. Hit the fast-forward button every time someone starts talking, press play again when they start hitting and shooting each other, and you should get the most out of this movie without enduring the bad dubbing and mediocre, rap-heavy soundtrack. Mildly amusing

Review – Tommy Boy

I hate myself for loving this as much as I do. It’s gotta be one of the dumbest movies ever made, but I just can’t keep myself from laughing hysterically at the juvenile physical comedy well executed by David Spade and Chris Farley. Of course Spade’s biting, sarcastic lines are probably the high point, but even the dumb masturbation jokes have an odd aura of charm. Don’t bother with the plot or the characters, but savor the jokes; they’re worth it. I can’t go quite all the way to “buy the tape” this time, because I fear that the humor might get a little stale upon repeat viewings (though I have seen it three times now and find that knowing what’s coming next only reduces the impact of a relatively small number of the gags). But otherwise I give this one a whole-hearted thumbs up. Worth seeing

Review – Spice World

This is about what you’d expect from a movie about the Spice Girls. And no, I don’t have a real good explanation for why I watched it. The amazing part was that it was only the second-worst film we saw that particular evening (see the review of Burn Hollywood Burn for the worst). See if desperate

Review – Black Magic Mansion

A group of juvenile delinquents on the lam from the law hide out in an old mansion that turns out to be the abode of a magician and his daughter. Somehow a demon ends up unleashed, with predictable results. I’ve also seen this under the title Cthulhu Mansion, and though the credits feature a nod to the works of H.P. Lovecraft, really there’s little Lovecraftiana to be found here. The credits should more honestly reflect the debt to The Evil Dead, from which the poorly-written script steals shamelessly. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Time Cop

What if you could go back in time and changed the past so that you died, only then you wouldn’t be around to go back so you wouldn’t ever have gone back, but then you wouldn’t change the past and you’d be back alive again, only ... oh just sit back and enjoy the Jean Claude van Damme action sequence fu. That’s about all this film has going for it. See if desperate

Review – Time Bandits

Here’s another one that I absolutely loved when it first came out, at least in part because I was around the same age as the youthful protagonist. Even all these many years later, I still get a kick out of certain points, particularly John Cleese’s portrayal of Robin Hood. One of director Terry Gilliam’s earlier post-Python efforts, it’s a little rough around the edges. But the script is well written, and the plot is just quirky enough to appeal to imaginative youngsters. If nothing else, this film is notable as a rare example of a time travel flick that doesn’t get mired in the what-if-you-went-back-and-changed-history thing, not to mention an opportunity for several midgets to play heroes rather than side-kicks, comic relief or extras. Worth seeing

Review – Species 2

More of the same. In other words, if you liked all the nekkid supermodel alien sex monster stuff in the first one, then you should be able to draw some additional jollies from the sequel. The first one was a little more polished, but this one spends a lot less time on annoyances like plot and character and a lot more time on gooey boogers and tit shots. See if desperate

Review – The Mask

Jim Carrey uses this Walter Mitty plot as an excuse for an extended spaz-out as only he can. Actually, this was early Carrey; he’s mellowed a little since, if such a thing can be imagined. For the most part, the live-action cartoon action is a conscious ode to the work of Tex Avery and his kin, but every once in awhile the Mickey Mouse gloves come off and the language and violence exceed the maturity level the rest of the film seems to be aimed at. Otherwise if you’re in the mood for a no-brainer, you could do worse. Mildly amusing

Review – The Krays

Here’s a rarity: a film about mobsters that features no major characters of Sicilian or Asian origin. Instead our subject (make that subjects ... twin subjects, to be precise) is the notorious Kray brothers, psychopathic bosses of much of the London underworld a few decades back. The history’s pretty accurate (at least as far as I know, inasmuch as I’m not an in-depth expert on the Krays), and the attention to detail is also nice. There’s no pretension that these guys are Michael-Corleone-good-father-wannabes, or even that they were nice people, which they weren’t (Monty Python fans may recall them being lampooned as the terrifying Piranha brothers). Still, they’re played with a certain amount of sympathy, making them excellent examples of the purest form of the anti-hero. And an interesting side-note: Ronnie Kray was gay, a fact that the movie makes no attempt to conceal. I’ve seen this film a couple of times with other people around, and both times the scene with Ronnie in bed with his significant other produced extreme reactions from male members of the audience. When I saw it for the first time in a theater, a frat-boy-looking guy and his girlfriend got up and left at his behest. And when I watched it with a group of friends and acquaintances, one guy protested over and over that “I wouldn’t wanna sleep with no man” (of course he didn’t say “sleep with,” but you get the idea). So why is it that guys with latent homosexual panic can cope with gay characters in comedies, or even dramas, but not when an action hero (even as dubious a “hero” as Ronnie Kray) turns out to be sexually attracted to other men? Something to think about. Worth seeing

Review – Necronomicon

Here we have the usual vignettes with a wrap-around, this time taking advantage of three short stories by H.P. Lovecraft. The bracket features a bit of fiction in which Lovecraft leafs through the pages of his dreaded imaginary book, the Necronomicon. The main features are, predictably enough, stories he reads in the book. I suppose Lovecraft purists won’t think much of the insertion of modern issues like single motherhood, abortion and the like into the mix. Even so, there’s a lot more of the so-called “Cthulhu mythos” to be found here than in most other adaptations of Lovecraft’s work that I’ve seen. Some of the gore gets a little silly (not to mention cheap), but it’s the thought that counts. Mildly amusing

Review – Bizarre Rituals

If the idea of watching Spider Webb bite Annie Sprinkle so hard she bleeds really gets your motor running, then this film may be for you. This is ostensibly a documentary about anthropologist Charles Gatewood, a nerdy little guy who has made an entire career out of photographing piercing buffs, nudists, pain enthusiasts and the like and then shocking pretentious east coast intellectuals with exhibits and slide shows. It’s more than a little fitting that most of the back half of the film is devoted to the mutilation antics of Fakir Musafar, a San Francisco advertising executive who’s something of a minor deity among “modern primitives.” Aside from some interesting visuals, this movie offers little beyond an extended tour of kink, fetish and semi-sociology. See if desperate

Review – THX-1138

This early George Lucas attempt at directing reeks of the student project it once was before some gullible studio gave him enough money beef it up a bit. With the extra cash he hired Robert Duvall and shot some footage in tunnels and underground storage caves. The plot itself is a dystopian vision of a future in which robots are cops, people are robots, and hair has been outlawed. The quirky, blinding white visuals might have been interesting, perhaps even stunning, in smaller doses, but they pervade the production so thoroughly that the show ultimately gets a little eye-straining. Though this picture deserves a spot on the list of all-time great ultra-grim visions of the future (not to mention the list of films that will probably mess with your mind if you watch while substance-impaired), for the most part it’s just too vapid, meandering and dated to rank much above the level of curiosity. See if desperate

Review – Chinatown

Director Roman Polanski’s most famous film (with the possible exception of Rosemary’s Baby) practically defines the neo-noir genre. All the elements are here, from the hard-boiled detective action and bewildering plot lines of original film noir to the modern camera and editing techniques and graphic violence more common in contemporary film-making. It probably helps to be a fan of this kind of movie, because otherwise the meandering plot and blatant political incorrectness is a little hard to swallow. But if you like this sort of thing then this is one of the finest examples thereof. Worth seeing

Review – Child’s Play

You can pretty much imagine what to expect from a movie about a talking doll possessed by the demonic spirit of a serial killer. And if that’s what you expect from this one, you’ll get what you pay for. Despite the uninspiring premise, the script, acting (youthful protagonist notwithstanding), and special effects aren’t the worst I’ve ever seen. A couple of shots even manage to inspire a chill or two. Just don’t count on getting too much. Mildly amusing

Review – Spartacus

If you have the intestinal fortitude or the interest in the subject matter to entice you to take on this epic, be prepared to devote some time to it. Also be ready for a heapin’ helpin’ of strident political rhetoric; to a large extent, this is “Hollywood Ten” alumnus Dalton Trumbo’s revenge for years of blacklisting. Still, in Stanley Kubrick’s capable hands the final product is a decent if somewhat melodramatic retelling of the story of the slave revolt that seriously threatened the Roman Republic. Worth seeing

Review – The Running Man

I originally saw this one in a movie theater, but in retrospect I wish I’d waited until it came out on video; it’s much easier to savor the criticism of televised violence when it’s actually on TV. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this loose adaptation of one of Stephen King’s Bachman books, a grim tale of a dystopian police state propped up by public obsession with a win-or-die game show called “The Running Man.” For the most part this is yet another Arnold vehicle, featuring a seemingly endless parade of dramatic deaths followed by  “clever” quips. Mildly amusing

Review – National Lampoon’s Vacation

This one is more consistently funny than any of its many sequels, though really the first half is a lot better than the second. I suspect that most of the humor is supposed to lie in childhood reminiscence about vacations that went just as bad – if not worse – than the one Chevy Chase and family suffer through here. I’m happy to say that most of the goings-on here are outside my personal experience, though an odd occasional moment or two have at least a little resonance. However, be warned that the lion’s share of the humor is of the frat boy variety so prominently featured in the magazine with byline credit. There’s also some dog violence, though it’s such an obvious riff on an old urban legend that it actually comes off more cute than terrible. Also, if you happen to be watching the censored for television version, be advised that you’re going to miss a few of the jokes entirely and get watered-down versions of many others. Mildly amusing

Review – Wild Wild West

Will Smith and Barry Sonnenfeld appear to be really desperate to recreate the charm that made Men in Black such a big success. They fall short. This rework of the old TV series that combined the western and the gadget-intensive espionage drama relies mostly on its expensive effects to carry the day. The acting is about what you’d expect for a big-budget action movie. The script, on the other hand, was abysmal. Particularly annoying are the long stretches in which Smith trades offensive jibes with the arch-villain (played by the ever-charmless Kenneth Branaugh). It has a couple of vaguely amusing parts, but not enough to justify sitting through the rest of it. See if desperate

Review – eXistenZ

Imagine Videodrome remade as a William Gibson thriller and you’ll quickly figure out just how far David Cronenberg has sunk. This offering serves up a heavy dose of the director’s trademark gross-outs, including no end of bio-tech blood and guts. I guess this might have been a little more interesting if it had come along at the beginning of the cyberpunk era, but by this point the majority of the multiple-reality-centered plot and high-tech-weapons-centered action is more than slightly stale. If you’re doing a term paper on cyberpunk movies, this is a good example of the genre in what I hope proves to be its decline. Otherwise this dog does little to justify the time and money. See if desperate

Review – Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

It’s hard to call this the final installment in the Nightmare on Elm Street saga, since in many ways it stands apart from the rest of the pack. For openers, Freddy Krueger seems to have lost his taste for teenagers. Instead, he’s trying to escape from the silver screen by tormenting Heather Langencamp (played by Heather Langencamp) and her pre-teen son. The end result is a reflexive romp through the demented imagination of Wes Craven. In a way this film provided good closure for the series and me, inasmuch as I was part of the teenage target audience when the first one came out and now I’m part of the older audience they appear to have had in mind for this final foray into Freddiedom. Even our villain looks different, abandoning the cartoonish look of the last couple of sequels in favor of the more genuinely eerie aura of the first two Kruegerflicks. Mildly amusing

Review – The Day the Earth Stood Still

One of the great classics of 1950s-era sci fi, this film’s plot is a little hard to divorce from its cold-war context. Michael Rennie stars as the ambassador from an interplanetary police force come to Earth to determine how trustworthy mankind is. Though understandably not too impressed by the militarism and rampant paranoia he encounters during his brief stay, he nonetheless appears to hold out at least a little hope for us. And if we fail to live up to expectations, there’s always Gort, the sinister Art Deco deus ex machina and enduring science fiction icon. Worth seeing

Review – The Hand

Usually the disembodied hand thing runs as a short vignette in an anthology of similar offerings, as in Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors. Unfortunately, every once in awhile it escapes into a feature length offering. Throw in Michael Caine, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Caine plays a cartoonist whose drawing hand is severed in a car accident. As our protagonist’s dissatisfaction with life begins to build, his lost appendage makes a predictable reappearance. Or does it? And so on. See if desperate

Review – Wayne’s World

The first few minutes of this movie suggest that Mike Myers is about to treat us to a return trip to the white trash world of our childhood (well, at least for those of us who had a white trash childhood). But it swiftly devolves into a cheap caper flick with only occasional glimmers of genuine wit. Regrettably, the best venue for viewing this work is no longer with us; the first time I saw this movie was at the Indian Springs South theaters, long since shut down. During the “Bohemian Rhapsody” sequence, just about the whole audience head-banged right along. Mildly amusing

Review – Casablanca

As near as I can tell, folks fall into two separate and distinct camps on this film: those who think it’s one of the corniest, dumbest movies ever made, and those who think it’s one of the most romantic. If you’ve skipped ahead to the verdict at the end of this review, then you already know where I come down on the issue. Sure, it’s practically one long cliché (the cold-blooded mercenary with the heart of gold, the cynical cop with the heart of gold, the French beauty torn between love and duty, the sinister Germans, and so on and so on), and most of it’s not exactly politically correct. Still, few if any films better embody the romance of the early 1940s, the sense of drama and importance adhering to even the petty affairs of desperate people in exotic locales. Pure escapism, to be sure. But escapism at its best. Buy the tape

Review – The Abominable Dr. Phibes

This famous Vincent Price classic features some of  the strangest revenge murders ever, each ostensibly based on one of the biblical plagues on Egypt. Some of the killings are bizarre to the point where they almost become surreal. For example, there’s the little-known plague of bloodsucking fruit bats. Or how about the plague of green goo that apparently induces grasshoppers to eat people’s faces? Implausibility aside, this is one of the better examples of its era in horror history. Sure, it’s loaded with clichés. But to give credit where credit is due, it’s the original source for at least some of the old saws featured herein. Mildly amusing

Review – Excalibur

The darling of Renaissance Festival and sci-fi-con crowds everywhere, this is a hackneyed retelling of the Arthurian legend. I admit that when I was a zit-faced geek teenager I thought it was the ultimate challenge to sneak past the gatekeepers at the convention movie auditorium so I could see the legendary scene where Uther Pendragon, while still clad in full armor, does the horizontal bop with his rival’s wife. Puberty now safely behind me, this seems less a couple of hours of pure magic and more a vast, expensive pageant of hacking, slashing and scenery-chewing. So maybe the appeal here is in the eye, or at least the age, of the beholder. See if desperate

Review – The Waterboy

While this probably doesn’t exactly qualify as a parody of Forrest Gump, the parallels are inescapable. Of course this time around our football-playing idiot savant seems to have a mean streak to him, making this an occasionally clever parody of all those sappy sweet movies about the mentally differently abled. Prompted by creative visualizations of members of the opposing team as his various and sundry tormentors, the lowly water boy becomes a linebacker without equal. If you’re in the mood for some mindless (and I do mean mindless) humor, this picture will fill the bill. See if desperate