Review – Johnny Mnemonic

This stinker turned out to be one of the big nails in the coffin of the cyberpunk sub-genre (or at least the first wave thereof), so I suppose we’re all at least somewhat in its debt. Other than that, however, it’s an especially dull example of its particular ilk. Keanu Reeves stars as a mnemonic courier, sort of a human Zip drive who has replaced his own human memories with storage banks for data files. He ends up with something really important saved in his head, and as a result no end of postmodern baddies are trying to suck his brains out. Ice T and Henry Rollins also make appearances, as does a really fake-looking dolphin. So you can probably tell where all this is going. See if desperate

Review – Under Suspicion

Though this seems like it was probably a labor of love for most of the people involved (especially stars and executive producers Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman), the result is less than lovely. The plot here is a standard stew of a murder investigation superimposed on an extended conversation between a prominent tax attorney and a cop who suspects him of heinous crimes. Some of the editing techniques are interesting, and the acting’s competent enough. The real drawback is the script, which is nowhere near as clever as the writers must have thought it was. Though I’ve seen worse murder thrillers, I was disappointed by the amount of time I spent having my nose rubbed in child molestation, rape and other sordid business to precious little avail. See if desperate

Review – Pollock

I know this arty bio of painter Jackson Pollock was actor/director Ed Harris’s personal obsession for something like five years, so I wish Harris had managed to get more of his fascination with his subject up onto the screen. As it was, I think a person who already liked Jack the Dripper might have enjoyed this movie a bit more than I did. I’ve never gotten all that much out of the man’s work, so likewise I wasn’t enthralled by the two-hours-plus story of what a tragic hero (read “neurotic, drunken jerk”) the guy was. Further, the laconic pace and sometimes-peculiar script started to annoy me at least a little. I guess I’ve seen worse art movies, but if nothing more could be said about this particular guy then maybe a different artist might have made a better subject. Mildly amusing

Review – The Beast

The river bottoms area in Kansas City features a haunted house that shares the name of this mini-series based on a Peter Benchley novel. The sign outside the house is written in an odd script that makes it look like it says “The Beasy.” Now, I have no idea what a Beasy might be, but I’m willing to bet that, given the longevity of the attraction that bears its name, a Beasy is a darn sight scarier than the Beast in this stinker. For the most part, this is a cheap reheat of many of the themes visited in Benchley’s big hit, Jaws, and then revisited in subsequent sequels and knock-offs. Some of the faces have changed; for example, the beast in question this time around is a pair of giant squids rather than a shark. But the basic theme of dangerous sealife with an attitude versus a small Atlantic coast town remains fundamentally intact. If you want the good version, watch the original. Mildly amusing

Review – Me, Myself and Irene

Here’s yet another uneven comedy starring the histrionic antics of Jim Carey. This time around he’s a long-suffering cop who keeps his frustrations with life bottled up until they manifest themselves as an obnoxious alter-ego. The actual plot isn’t all that interesting, and the story turns serious – and boring – often enough to make the overall production more than a little uneven. Even a fair percentage of the jokes fall flat. But when the comedy works it really works, especially when Carey’s alternate personality first emerges. Mildly amusing

Review – Spiders

Yep, them are spiders all right. Big ones. There’s some lame excuse for a plot built in here somewhere, something about an experiment on a space shuttle gone awry, returning alien-DNA-gene-manipulated tarantulas to earth to wreck havoc upon an Area 51-style military base, a host of creepy government types and a trio of college journalists. This flick shoots just about its entire wad (fiscally and dramatically) in the final few minutes as a giant CG space spider runs amuck. Aside from the conclusion, however, there’s nothing here besides a script, effects and acting so terrible that most first-semester film students would be ashamed to have their names on it. See if desperate

Review – Ghosts of Mars

John Carpenter appears to be trying to recapture a little of the success of his glory days with this horror/sci fi offering. The plot – an odd little tale about colonists on Mars possessed by the evil spirits of the planet’s former inhabitants – comes across as a milkshake made with equal parts of The Thing and Assault on Precinct 13. Natasha Henstridge takes the lead – and manages to keep her clothes on the whole time – as a police lieutenant whose team must transport a supposedly-dangerous criminal (Ice Cube) out of a small mining town where the ghosts have apparently taken over. Occasionally the story gets bogged down with unnecessary nonsense about matriarchal society, drug abuse and other backwater plot points. However, overall Carpenter makes up for the bizarre, recycled script with some decent action and a couple of at least borderline scary shots. Mildly amusing

Review – Planet of the Apes (2001)

Tim Burton gives the old monkey a fresh spanking with this effects-intensive outing that combines homage to the original with a considerable number of new bends and turns. The apes look a lot more like real apes this time around, and the costumes and sets are a lot more sophisticated. Unfortunately, as if to achieve some sort of balance, the plot and characters are a good deal less interesting than the original. Burton does an okay job but not much more. Mark Wahlberg mails in his performance as the stranded hero from another time and place, and most of the rest of the cast is stuck emoting like crazy just to get around their monkey makeup. In particular Helena Bonham Carter’s efforts are undone by the decision to use her ape character as one of the movie’s two love interests, and the whole inter-species thing doesn’t work in a big way. The overall result is entertaining but nowhere near as good as it should have been considering all the talent that went into it both in front of and behind the camera. Mildly amusing

Review – Soylent Green

Boy, if this movie is even half right, the future is really going to suck. No natural food. Drastic overpopulation. Corporate control over all society. In short, this is a typical dystopian vision of things to come from the halcyon days of the 1970s. Just in case there’s actually anyone left on the face of the earth who doesn’t know the dark secret of Soylent Green, I won’t give away the ending. I should note, however, that my favorite moments in the movie come well before the histrionic conclusion. I loved the riot scene when I first saw this movie many years ago, and it still stands out as one of the high points. The other moment I really like is the Edward G. Robinson death scene; despite its heavy-handed, hippie-era sanctimony, it’s actually genuinely touching. Of course, it helps that Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony is one of my favorites (musical pedestrian that I am). Also, by my best estimates ol’ Edward G’s character is more or less the same age I’ll be when the third decade of the 21st century rolls around. Now that’s creepy. Mildly amusing

Review – Joe Dirt

If nothing else, David Spade certainly seems to have the whole redneck thing down pat. The look, the dialogue, and even the soundtrack of this tale about a janitor in search of the parents who dumped him at the Grand Canyon are absolutely immaculate. Sadly, that’s about all this movie has going for it. Sure, a moment or two prove to be classic Spade, but for the most part the humor either falls flat or never gets off the ground to begin with. Audience members who can appreciate the lower class inside jokes will probably get a minor kick out of this picture, but everyone else can safely miss it. Mildly amusing

Review – The Phantom of the Paradise

Brian DePalma serves up an interesting stew: equal parts Gaston Leroux, Goethe and mid-70s pop music culture, with a dash of Poe and a sprig of Wilde thrown in for flavor. And yeah, it turns out just about like you’d expect it to. For the most part the production is a parade of cartoonish characters acting out the usual Phantom of the Opera plot cut together with a Tommy-esque affection for jump cuts and other techniques that now seem more quaint than artistic. However, every once in awhile DePalma works a shot here or a plot twist there that’ll leave you with that “oh, that was sort of chilling” feeling. Otherwise this is an amusing send-up of the whole ever-so-serious rock opera genre and not much else. Mildly amusing

Review – Ghostbusters 2

I’m not sure there was really a serious need for the world to know whether or not it was in fact physically possible to make a movie even more stupid than Ghostbusters, but the question is nonetheless now resolved for all time. This is the same cast, the same effects, the same juvenile sense of humor, even the same basic plot as the original. But as usual with sequels of this sort, the attempt to recreate past success falls pathetically flat. What was once at least mildly clever now plays like an SNL joke that’s been told over and over and over again until it’s no longer funny. Not that it was all that funny to begin with. See if desperate

Review – UHF

Fans of Weird Al Yankovic’s quirky comedic style will get a real kick out of this feature-length parade of the stuff. There’s at least the pretense of plot here someplace, something about a hapless failure who takes over a UHF station and uses his oddball tastes and oddball friends to defeat the meanie who owns the town’s big network affiliate. But really the best parts are the show parodies and insane shtick from Yankovic and from Michael Richards as a mentally differently abled janitor who ends up heading the station’s most successful show. If you can magically transport yourself back to the days when you had a pre-adolescent sense of humor, a lot of the gags here will have you rolling in the aisles. Mildly amusing

Review – Battlefield Earth

I didn’t hate this as much as I’d expected to. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s plenty stupid, with more than its share of uninteresting characters, boring plot twists and hammy acting. In short, it’s your standard, run-of-the-mill, sci fi effects vehicle. However, I went into it expecting a heapin’ helpin’ of source novel author L. Ron Hubbard’s home-grown religion. Especially after Star Trek: Insurrection turned out to be such a Scientology sermon, I figured Hubbard’s own work would be a natural source of such sanctimonious preachiness. To be sure, some of the religion’s tenets show up here and there. But overall this is mostly just a harmless piece of mediocre science fiction. Mildly amusing

Review – Carnivore

I’d love to know exactly when this movie was made. The box has a 2001 copyright date on it, but if this was made this year then the film-makers did a genuinely impressive job of recreating the late 80s, right down to mullets for the guys and serious mall head for the gals. But of course the real star of the show is the title character, which is supposedly some kind of government bioweapons experiment but in execution looks like an overblown refugee from Critters. Just about everything in this movie is bad, from the acting and effects right down to the script (what little of it is audible; the sound work also leaves a lot to be desired). The end result is one of those productions that’s kinda fun to mock but otherwise more than a little short in the entertainment department. See if desperate

Review – Snatch

I’ve gotta admit that I’m getting more than a little tired of the action genre’s screwball splatter-fest sub-genre. Aggravating factors this time around include the endless parade of annoying, lower class English characters and a little more animal violence than I’m usually willing to tolerate. On the plus side, Brad Pitt turns in a workmanlike performance as one of the supporting characters (assuming, of course, that in an “ensemble” piece like this there’s anything but supporting characters). Some of the action sequences aren’t too terribly ill-conceived, though most of them are marred by the director’s love for trendy jump-cuts. But overall I just can’t get over the tendency of this movie – and other, substantially similar efforts – to substitute blood and guts for wit and script. Finally, though I caught it at the theater I think it would be better viewed on video, which would at least allow you to walk away for a bit during the frequent dull moments. See if desperate

Review – Basic Instinct

Though this “erotic thriller” clearly faces some stiff competition, it may well hold the all-time high mark for ratio of hype to content. For openers, there’s the legendary beaver shot, which is nowhere near as scandalous as it’s supposed to be. This disappointment heads a lengthy list of pseudo-sexy twists and turns that take sex and make it downright boring. Matters aren’t helped by the fact that the lead fornicators are played by Sharon Stone (ick) and Michael Douglas (double ick). Just as the sex fails to keep things going, the murder mystery element likewise turns out to be less than compelling. Then there’s the whole gay-people-protested-the-production thing, which to this day I don’t quite understand (a couple of the villains were bisexual, but this is a considerable distance from the most unflattering portrayal of queer folk Hollywood’s ever done). Final capper: what the heck’s up with the title? What is “Basic Instinct” supposed to mean? See if desperate

Review – The Phantom of the Opera (1943)

It must have been really hard in the middle of World War Two to concoct a horror movie villain that could even vaguely compete with the real-life monsters on the other sides of the oceans. Still, they might have at least given it the old college try. Seriously, the old silent version is much scarier than this highly Hollywood-ized retelling of Gaston Leroux’s classic. This time around Eric the Phantom (played half-heartedly by Claude Rains) is a sorry excuse for a force of evil; he’s a down-on-his-luck violinist for the Paris Opera who ends up fired, scorned by the love interest, burned with acid, and just generally not having a nice day. Further, the screenwriter manages to preserve all the tedious, 19th-century romance without capturing a jot of the source novel’s sense of style and menace. The result is a fluffy tale of an opera singer beloved by a policeman, a baritone and a neurotic nitwit. And in the end being relieved of the third also allows our heroine to successfully discharge the first two as well, leading to one of the most unintentionally (?) homosexual moments of 1940s cinema. Mildly amusing