Review – Shakespeare in Love

Even real, honest-to-goodness Shakespeare plays aren’t this dull. Instead of trying to pull off a light Elizabethan comedy around a staging of Romeo and Juliet, maybe they should have just filmed the play itself. It would have been hard pressed to be any worse than the Gen-X version that came out a few years back. Other troubling mysteries raised hereby include why Judy Dench won an Oscar for what amounted to about three minutes of screen time, why the film itself walked away with “best picture,” whether screenwriter Tom Stoppard can in fact be stopped, and whether this signals the rise of the Fiennes boys as England’s answer to the Baldwins. If you’re hankering for a gander at Gwenyth Paltrow in the buff, here’s yet another chance. Otherwise try to catch Shakespeare at work rather than in love. See if desperate

Review – Clash of the Titans

Here’s proof, as if any were needed, that Ray Harryhausen movies don’t dramatically improve with bigger budgets. Though the Medusa sequence is one of the most famous bits of animation Harryhausen ever did, it doesn’t differ radically in quality from the equally well-known skeleton scene at the end of Jason and the Argonauts. And goodness knows Harry Hamlin doesn’t turn in a performance significantly less hammy than any other member of the parade of no-names and minor stars who have done battle with Dynamated beasts. The final product is a retelling of the Perseus myth in which the effects as usual upstage the actors by a considerable margin. Mildly amusing

Review – Deep Impact

This is a giant comet death movie not unlike Armageddon, only this time the mission to blow up the stupid thing fails, so we’re treated to a hearty dose of the and-of-the-world triage crap that was more common back when there was still a Soviet Union. So if you want heroic Bruce Willis to the rescue, rent the other one, and if you want a seemingly endless bummer punctuated by some reasonably good effects work, rent this one. Of course, if you’d just as soon skip the whole thing, then skip the whole thing. See if desperate

Review – Mesa of Lost Women

In the fine tradition of bad movies, this is one of the worst. The plot, such that there is one at all, revolves around a mad scientist in a mesa-top lab creating some sort of strange hybrid between giant tarantulas and B-movie starlets with exotic-sounding names. Production values are nonexistent, the acting ranges from ham to wood, and the script, well, it’s hard to believe dialogue this bad was ever committed to paper. Actually, this ends up being one of those films that’s so terrible it acquires enough camp value to almost become amusing. If nothing else, at least its hour and ten minutes running time is relatively short. See if desperate

Review – Pleasantville

I’ll bet boomers get a real kick out of this. The premise is that a couple of 90s teens get zapped into a 50s sitcom and end up introducing the place to reality (and color in the process). But they’re working it pretty hard here. The underlying message about the importance of freedom of expression and tolerance and all that good stuff is pretty heavy-handed. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I disagree with the film’s conclusions about bigotry, censorship and the like. It’s just a little preachy. Thickness of message aside, however, the script is clever, the acting earnest, and the black and white to color transition effects work well. Mildly amusing

Review – City of Angels

It’s a pretty safe bet that when a kid dies in the first few minutes of a movie that the film-makers won’t feel any too bad about spending the next couple of hours bumming you out. After the first half hour or so the film moves on from its morbid obsession with death and gets about the task of establishing a romance between surgeon Meg Ryan and angel Nicholas Cage, who becomes human for the sake of love. However, death comes back in full force a little later on; more than that I can’t tell you without ruining the ending. For such a depressing movie, it actually could have been a whole lot worse. Mildly amusing

Review – The Boys from Brazil

The concept of this movie is intriguing in a tabloid sort of way: Josef Mengele (Gregory Peck) is generating clones of Hitler from a secret lab in Brazil. They’re being raised by couples with personalities akin to Der Fuhrer’s actual parents in the hope that the right combination of nature and nurture would produce a squad of potential dictators. Laurence Olivier plays a Simon Wiesenthal-like character who learns of the plot and tries to thwart it. Despite a fair amount of overacting, for the most part the drama works. It even manages to eke out an occasional chill, particularly in the brief shots showing Mengele’s hobby of making blue-eyed “Aryans” out of South American children. Mildly amusing

Review – 8mm

If you can’t wow ‘em with a terrific script or dazzle ‘em with expensive effects, then what the heck, go for the gross-out. And what could possibly be more disgusting that a pedophile snuff movie? How about a couple of hours of watching Nicolas Cage lose his soul and his mind as a private investigator paid by a wealthy heiress to track down the origin of the aforementioned bit of pornography? Honestly, watching this movie made me want to wash. The premise is mildly interesting if somewhat implausible. But by the end of the ordeal, the story has become tiresome enough to make me pray that the whole cast gets snuffed. I guess this just isn’t the year for me to watch movies that start with the number eight (see also 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, or better yet don’t). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Boogens

Apparently in addition to avoiding swimming in shark-infested waters, falling asleep on Elm Street and summering at Camp Crystal Lake, the nubile youth of America should also steer clear of abandoned silver mines in Colorado. Who would have guessed? Is there nowhere in the world horny teenagers can go to get some peace from the forces of darkness? The premise at least had potential: efforts to explore an old mine let loose a cave monster that proceeds to get into folks’ homes through their basements. Sadly, the script itself is just as stupid as the title implies. If you fast forward through the ineffective romance and poorly-executed attack scenes, you’re left with a little background and a cheap rubber beast. The only notable points: two young people who have sex actually manage to survive to the end of the movie, and unless I missed something somewhere this film holds the record for the number of times a poodle is menaced by a cave monster before finally succumbing. See if desperate

Review – An American in Paris

If you’re a big Gershwin fan, then you’re in for a treat here. Otherwise get comfortable, because you’re in for a long ride. Even Gene Kelly can’t do much to save this musical from taking itself far too seriously. Some of the song and dance numbers aren’t too bad, but others drag on and on (the famous show-stopper toward the end is practically a movie all by itself). And of course the art direction and choreography are nothing short of legendary. The real problem is that between the musical routines are extended periods in which the weak plot, dreadful dialogue and shallow characters are left to carry the film forward unassisted. Mildly amusing

Review – The Shadow

Who knows what bad movies lurk in the hearts of producers? The Shadow knows! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Actually, it’s hard to say exactly what went wrong here. The budget was big enough. The acting’s not great, but it’s not too terrible. The sexism and racism so endemic to the old pulp stories are present here, but at least they’re toned down a little. The producers spent plenty on the effects and art direction. But still somehow it just comes up a little short. It isn’t a terrible movie, and if I was a younger person still in my comic-book-reading phase I probably would have enjoyed it immensely. As it was, I found it diverting but not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – American History X

This brutal portrait of a family struggling with racism is well-written and well-acted. But be warned: when I say “brutal,” I mean it. The film-makers pull few punches either with the skinhead characters’ language or the depictions of the violent acts they commit. Further, the black-and-white flashbacks are a teeny bit pretentious, and the sound is inconsistent. Get by that, though, and the rest of the film is an extremely rewarding experience, one of the few films on race relations that manages to stay reasonably distant from the usual preachy Hollywood sentiment on the subject. Worth seeing

Review – Bonnie and Clyde

Arthur Penn’s heavily sixties-ized account of the exploits of the Barrow gang takes a few liberties with the facts (not the least of which was that the real Bonnie Parker looked less like Faye Dunaway and more like Popeye). But perhaps historical relevance is more important than historical accuracy, particularly when telling the already heavily mythologized tale of a couple of brutal killers and their various relatives and hangers-on. The film suffers from some technical trouble, such as absolutely dreadful shot continuity. Still, as a relic of a rebellious era, it’s worth a look. Mildly amusing

Review – The Night Gallery

Despite the fact that this three-vignette “movie” is actually the pilot episode of Rod Serling’s Night Gallery TV series, I really like it a lot. The middle vignette, a cliché-ridden tale of a blind woman who temporarily regains her eyesight during a blackout, is notable mostly for the involvement of an old Joan Crawford and a young Stephen Spielberg. The first is my personal favorite, a nasty little bit of inheritance-related skullduggery between Ossie Davis and Roddy MacDowell that ends up centering around an image-shifting painting (all three episodes involve paintings in some way). The final story is a chilling tale of a former concentration camp commandant attempting to elude justice. I suppose most of this is fairly trite and dated by now, but it takes me back to the days of Friday Fright Night and a time when horror film-makers at least pretended to employ writers. Worth seeing 

[note: I originally reviewed this show in 1999; since then it’s been released on DVD. Or to be more accurate, the whole first season of Night Gallery is out on disc. The actual episodes are an uneven mix. But however odd the stories, stiff the writing or dated the feel, it’s still better stuff than most of what’s on TV now.]

Review – True Lies

Here we have an action movie about the importance of honesty in relationships. Some of the stuff that goes on between bored housewife Jamie Lee Curtis and super-secret-agent Arnold Schwarzenegger (who apparently can’t confess to his wife that he’s a spy) is a little odd, and I found the scene in the interrogation room downright hard to take. The film works a lot better when Arnold sticks to shooting people or otherwise ending up in expensive-stunt situations (with some not-so-expensive stunt men, some of whom resemble the former Mr. Universe not in the slightest). Mildly amusing

Review – The Lair of the White Worm

Director Ken Russell’s up to his old tricks again. Honestly, he practically reaches the point where he’s ripping himself off. For example, one hallucination scene features weird religious iconography a la Altered States and sexually assaulted nuns harking back to The Devils. There’s even a sideways reference to Bill Forsyth’s Local Hero toward the beginning of the movie. Of course, there are a few fresh elements here, such as the ever-charmless Amanda Donohoe as the villainous bisexual snake woman. If you’re a big fan of phallic symbols, this is the film for you. Otherwise most of the humor and horror fall flat. See if desperate

Review – Starship Troopers

I kept watching this vile little piece of fascist trash hoping that eventually it would reach some sort of understanding about the horrors of war and the evils inherent in a totalitarian police state. Instead we get the genuinely idolatrous glorification of lost limbs, wrecked lives and Hitler-esque ideology. What first appears to be a tongue-in-cheek poke at Triumph of the Will in the opening ends up seeming more like a loving tribute to Nazi cinema. Even the expensive special effects accomplish little besides cultivating sympathy for the bad guys (and considering that the bad guys were giant bugs, it took a good deal of unintentional doing to make them sympathetic). Many years ago, in a single page of poetry, Wilfred Owen dismissed this whole dulce et decorum est notion as an “old lie.” This shiny, new movie rings with that selfsame falseness. Wish I’d skipped it

[Though I don’t want to re-write reviews from years ago, I admit that I missed the point on this one. After re-watching it recently (2022), I see now that the whole thing appears to be a parody of fascist action movies. So my opinion has shifted from “offensive trash” to “a long way to go for a small joke.” It still isn’t an experience I’d recommend.]

Review – True Crime

The only surprise in this tear-jerking diatribe against capital punishment is that Clint “Dirty Harry” Eastwood starred and directed. Aside from the apparent incongruity between the actor’s prior penchant for bloody extermination of criminals and his apparent change of heart, Eastwood does a good job as a grizzled reporter who gets drawn into an execution-related story an ends up trying to prove that the condemned man is innocent. Sure, it’s got more than its share of shameless emotional manipulation. But the script is reasonably good when it isn’t side-tracked by the subplots surrounding our hero’s philandering and disintegrating family life. In any event, it’s just so nice to see a journalist portrayed as the good guy for a change. Mildly amusing

Review – Nightbreed

Clive Barker’s fans should love this movie directed by the author and based on his novella Cabal. Most of the plot is the usual melange of dark fantasy, including a host of creatures called the Nightbreed, clearly based on Barker’s own artwork. He’s never had a better cast, including Charles Haid as a cruel sheriff and Canadian militia member, and David Cronenberg stepping in front of the camera to play the villainous psycho-killer. Other than Cronenberg’s chilling if somewhat hammy performance, however, this outing offers little beyond a lot of pseudo-mysticism and an occasional thrill. Mildly amusing

Review – Fear No Evil

Fear this movie. Fans of early 80s low-production-value supernatural thrillers may get a kick out of this parade of archangels inhabiting the bodies of teenagers and old folks in the course of their eternal war with Lucifer (who also, coincidentally enough, has taken up residence in an outcast adolescent). But the script is weak, the effects aren’t very special, and the acting crawls with termites. I guess I’ve seen worse things done with low budgets. But I’ve seen a lot better, too. See if desperate

Review – Death of a Salesman (1986)

Dustin Hoffman (as Willy) and John Malkovich (as Biff) star in this 1986 production of Arthur Miller’s “American tragedy.” I’m not particularly fond of the play itself; it’s a touch too sentimental for my tastes, and I’ve always found Willy more pathetic than tragic. But I do have to admire the cast’s workmanlike handling of action and dialogue that seems somewhat dated and occasionally ill-suited for the screen. Mildly amusing

Review – 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be Captain Nemo. Now this guy’s got it made. He lives in a cool submarine, and his only job is to go around sinking ships full of people who sound like they desperately need killing. And I’ll bet a dude who’s such a snappy dresser and plays the organ to boot has no trouble getting dates, assuming there were any dates to be gotten (and on a submarine in a Disney film, you know the answer to that question is “no”). I guess we’re supposed to regard the Kirk Douglas character as the hero, the brash, swaggering all-American seaman type and all that. But I still side with James Mason’s Nemo, the ultimate anti-hero and a child’s introduction to eco-terrorism. Worth seeing

Review – The Serpent and the Rainbow

No film could ask for an odder set of circumstances. The book upon which the movie is loosely based is a fairly dry treatise by an ethno-botanist about his experiences trying to learn the secrets of the tetrodotoxin-laced zombie powder used in Haitian rituals. However, after Wes “Nightmare on Elm Street” Craven gets done with it, there’s a lot of supernatural mumbo-jumbo thrown in. The effects are cheap, but every once in awhile they’re good for a shudder or two. If you can choke down the New Age pseudo-religion and kindergarten take on Haitian politics, you can find a somewhat-decent horror movie under the whole mess. Mildly amusing

Review – Fargo

I was profoundly impressed by the realism of this movie. That’s sort of odd, since it features a hearty helping of the Coen brothers’ quirky sense of dark humor. But watching Murphy’s Law reap vengeance on a gaggle of bumbling, desperate criminals seems more than a little familiar to anyone who’s spent any time reading the case histories of actual kidnappers and murderers. Even if you set aside the crime drama elements, this picture would still have more than enough character and dialogue to keep it going. Neither as goofy as Raising Arizona nor quite as grim as Blood Simple, this is likely to prove to be the Coens’ finest hour. Buy the tape

Review – Saving Private Ryan

Stephen Spielberg takes a stab at directing a traditional World War II epic with all the heroic death, manly buddy relationships and thick “war is hell” message. But of course with the great Spielberg at the helm, everything is even more so. The heroic death (with a couple of exceptions that hark back to the get-shot-and-die-instantly approach from yesteryear) is graphic, the gore apparently meant to emphasize the tragedy of dying guys begging for their mothers. The buddy stuff is completely out of control. Worst of all, the heavy-handed emphasis on the futility of the mission – to find a soldier whose three brothers were all killed in combat – is so overplayed that it becomes more annoying than insightful. Perhaps some members of the audience need to be clubbed over the head with the message. For the rest of us, this movie supplies somewhat compelling characters, somewhat impressive battle sequences, a handful of amusing moments, a failed Oscar bid from Tom Hanks, and not a lot else. Mildly amusing

Review – Pi

I suppose I could have used the symbol rather than spelling the title out, the way the film distributor did. But I’m too lazy to change the font, using the symbol would create a question about the proper alphabetization of this entry, and to be blunt I think the whole symbol-as-title thing is more than just a little pretentious. Speaking of pretentious, I’m not a big fan of the black-and-white-as-graphic-statement approach to film-making either. All that notwithstanding, this is a somewhat engaging tale of a mentally-disturbed mathematician in search of a number that will provide the key to some sort of universal understanding. He is pursued by cabalistic Hasidim and Wall Street brokers until finally the whole mess drives him beyond the brink of insanity. The art film clichés end up interfering with what might otherwise have been a better production of a clever, intelligent script, or at least a concept for same. Mildly amusing

Review – Lady and the Tramp

There’s probably a whole book in nothing but the sexual politics of this film, the mildly dissatisfied suburbanite corrupted by the devil-may-care ne’er-do-well from the wrong side of the tracks. It’s also interesting to note how unsophisticated the animation was compared to what Disney is doing now (I saw Mulan the night before I rented this picture), and how crude the racial stereotypes are. Still, there’s a certain naive charm here, if you can get past all the outdated baggage. Mildly amusing

Review – Alien 3

What is it about the number three sequel? The third time was definitely not the charm for either the Godfather films or the Jaws series. The third Halloween movie wasn’t even distantly related to the first two. And this third Alien movie is no exception to the rule. An under-exposed, grunge art director’s wet dream, the plot mopes on and on until I’m just about ready to root for the alien. Not that we get too many alternatives, inasmuch as the human characters range from mildly annoying to downright loathsome. Even the computer-modeled alien effects are pretty cheap by today’s standards. Maybe if the first two hadn’t been such genre classics, this one wouldn’t have been such a letdown. As it is, however, it comes across as an arrogant MTV-wannabe director’s attempt to make a film that amuses him rather than one that fans are likely to enjoy. The final irony: the filmmakers did their best to kill the series by incinerating the Sigourney Weaver character at the end. Well, I guess the studio had the last laugh on that one (see Alien Resurrection, or better yet don’t). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Memoirs of an Invisible Man

Straying from his usual stomping grounds, John Carpenter comes up with what has to be his dullest movie to date. For openers, he casts the thoroughly un-charming Chevy Chase as an average guy who is rendered invisible by a freak accident. Naturally sinister government agents (led by Sam Neil) want to either use him as an assassin or do him in. Though the premise has potential, the plot plays out as a combination of cheap sitcom and B-grade action movie. Ultimately the film depends on special effects to provide what little entertainment value it has to offer. See if desperate

Review – Face/Off

What a surprise! John Woo makes yet another action movie pitting two men on opposite sides of the law against each other in a seemingly endless parade of gunfire and jump cuts. The only new twist here is that the cop and the criminal swap faces thanks to plastic surgery and plot twists, so John Travolta ends up playing Nicholas Cage and vice versa. If you’re not in the mood for a long string of action sequences occasionally punctuated by story fragments, you’re probably better off skipping this one. But Woo fans will get a kick out of his usual bag of tricks. Mildly amusing

Review – 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag

By the time you sit through half of this turkey you’ll wish that your own head (or at the very least the head of the screenwriter) could be number nine. Even decapitation would be a welcome relief from this moronic situation comedy. There’s an odd occasional bit of genuine humor (usually when either David Spade or Joe Pesci is on screen, much rarer occurrences than the ads implied), but such occasions are way too few and way too minor to justify the rest of the idiotic farce. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Death Curse of Tartu

This is one of those terrible old low-budget horror pictures from the 60s, the kind that actually stops the action at one point long enough to insert a highly contrived go-go number. Our tale focuses loosely on an ancient Native American mummy that comes back from the dead – and not in the best of moods – when disturbed by artifact hunters, teenagers, and artifact-hunting teenagers. Ol’ Chief Tartu can change himself into a variety of Everglades swamp denizens, using his shape-shifting prowess to make the red paint liberally flow. Despite all better judgment, I have a soft place in my heart (or maybe my head) for this stinker. Mildly amusing

Review – Samson and Delilah

Ah, there’s much to be said for the days when the only way Hollywood could saturate the silver screen with steamy sex was to hide it in the disguise of a Bible story. Cecil B. DeMille, Victor Mature and Hedy Lamarr collaborate to slaughter a few verses of the Book of Judges, the actors chewing their way through plenty of lavish sets and bad dialogue. The truly astonishing part is that one of the most completely unbelievable lines, “if you had not plowed with my heifer you would not have guessed my riddle,” is actually taken from scripture. A young Angela Lansbury and an old lion also co-star. If you’re looking for only the finest in high, vintage camp, you’ve come to the right place. Worth seeing

Review – The House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Here’s an experience I haven’t had for awhile: seeing a movie in an almost completely deserted theater. Aside from two other people – one of whom was a moron with a cell phone – I pretty much got a private screening. Now, I did catch an afternoon show a few weeks after the opening, so it was probably a little more popular than I’m making it sound. Further, I was more than a little surprised by the film itself. I figured it would be a cheap attempt to cash in on what was supposed to have been the popularity of The Haunting. But if anything, this film surpassed the bigger-budget production. The stay-the-night-in-a-haunted-house-and-win-a-million plot was more than a bit hackneyed (not to mention that the whole thing is a remake of an old Vincent Price movie), even when mixed with the house-possessed-by-the-evil-of-deeds-done-therein. Much of the art direction was a little over-wrought (including exteriors that looked like they should have included a big neon sign that said “Mad Scientist, Boo!” on the side). However, the effects and editing more than make up for most of the film’s shortcomings. I genuinely admired the film-makers’ willingness to under-use effects to maximize the impact of some really creepy stuff, even if it did make the whole thing look a little like a heavy metal video. The DVD includes feature-length commentary by the director, but the really good bonuses are a quick documentary about the original and the remake and a couple of scenes deleted from the theatrical release (at least one of which would have supplied the female lead with some badly-needed character development). Mildly amusing