Review – Meteor

I don’t know what’s more ludicrous: the science, the special effects, or Sean Connery playing an astrophysicist. And the fact that Connery has any competition for “worst part of the movie” should tell you just how bad the rest of it is. A giant title object speeding toward a cataclysmic rendezvous with Earth should have been the ultimate 70s-era disaster plot, complete with a cast of actors who should have had better agents. But both the problem and the solution (blowing it up with nuclear missiles) are so ridiculous that the whole thing’s impossible to take seriously (and kinda not funny enough to accept as laughably bad, though it does have its moments). What would Jordy Verrill say at a time like this? See if desperate

Review – Predator: Killer of Killers

The quality of both the animation and the storytelling strongly resemble extended cut scenes from a Predator-themed video game. Or maybe even more than one game. The first two subplots combine easily enough. Who wouldn’t want to see a badass viking and a badass ninja team up to battle Predators? But the protagonist of the third story is a World War Two era pilot. Within the episode, the Predator spaceship WW2 dogfight theme works well enough. But when this guy shows up in the arena of death with two hand-to-hand combat experts, it takes some awkward plot twists to effectively work him into the drama. When it comes to low-budget tack ons to famous franchises, I’ve seen worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Predator: Badlands

A wimpy Predator and the upper half of an android – both of whom talk too much – team up to locate and subdue a monster on a death planet. I found it innovative that all of the human-appearing characters are played by only two actors, which must have cut way down on the casting budget. Which is a good thing, as clearly they needed as much money as possible for the effects-intensive action sequences. The result is slick and clever without being particularly interesting. Mildly amusing

Review – The Running Man (2025)

I’m not a big fan of movies that set up elaborate game rules and then either ignore or break them. If the plot isn’t going to follow its own established structure, then why bother making up rules to begin with? Even basic character motivation gets tossed to the wind for the sake of keeping the bullets flying and the explosions exploding. I thought the comic book silliness of the Schwarzenegger version was part of its charm, and that’s almost completely lacking here. And after one of Stephen King’s other Bachman books recently turned out to be better than expected, that just made the letdown here a little bit worse. So come for the action, but don’t feel like you have to stay for the story. Mildly amusing

Review – The Man from Planet X

I’m not sure what I just saw here. An alien crashes or lands or otherwise arrives on earth. He seems to want to communicate but proves unable to do so. Then the bad guy tries to kill him for no coherent reason at all. The story meanders from one random bit of business to the next, with acting very much on par with the script. Even a low budget seems like a lot to pay for something this bad. See if desperate

Review – War of the Worlds (2020)

This time around the Martians (or whatever they are) attack Earth during the pandemic, and they’re after our data. I’d add “for reasons that aren’t exactly clear,” but then nothing in this whole movie makes much sense. Alien motives aren’t really the worst of it. If you’ve been pining away for a long Zoom call in which the hero spends more time fussing with his family than attending to his national security duties (which seem kinda important given the circumstances), then pine no longer. See if desperate

Review – Sputnik

At the outset I need to note the sheer awfulness of Amazon Prime’s excuse for dubbing. This was listed as “English dub,” which it definitely was not. However, when the audio description track was turned on, the description (including the dialogue) was in English. Which made for an odd way to watch a movie. Fortunately there wasn’t all that much movie to watch. The story – cosmonaut comes back from space possessed by an alien – functioned well enough for maybe the length of a Twilight Zone episode, and the rest of the running time was padded out with slow moments and illogical twists. But what else might one expect from Russian sci fi? See if desperate

Review – The Puppet Masters

Heinlein’s novel gets simplified considerably into an Invasion of the Body Snatchers knock-off with slugs instead of pods. The plot follows a predictable path as government agents race against the clock to isolate the aliens and destroy their hive mind. Mildly amusing

Review – The Quatermass Xperiment

Though clunky by modern standards, this is a revolutionary blend of space travel and cosmic horror from Hammer Films way back in 1955. The notorious Dr. Quatermass shows a stereotypical scientist’s disinterest in the human effects of an unauthorized space travel experiment that kills two astronauts and turns the third into a human-alien blend. This would have gotten a higher rating if not for all the animal deaths. Also released as The Creeping Unknown. Mildly amusing

Review – Lost Soul

If you ever got stuck sitting through the Brando/Kilmer version of The Island of Doctor Moreau and found yourself wondering how the hell the movie even got made, here’s a documentary that actually answers that largely-rhetorical question. Of course “Brando/Kilmer” should probably be enough to explain how a production could go oh so terribly wrong. Stir in an inexperienced director and a string of bad decisions even beyond the casting, and it’s a wonder the movie wasn’t even worse than it was. Mildly amusing

Review – Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

If  revenge plot is pretty much your story’s only reason for existence, then it needs to work. So often it doesn’t, but here it does. Though this is the first Mad Max movie with no Max in it, the hero from the last one proves to be enough to stick the car chases and explosions together into something entertaining if not exactly edifying. Mildly amusing

Review – Alien: Romulus

This is like a video game constructed of random elements from other parts of the Alien franchise, only it’s a movie. So if you’re easily entertained by inside jokes, prepare to be easily entertained. I found it tedious and in places difficult to follow. Weak bits include Ian Holm digitally back from the dead and a character whose British accent - apropos of nothing - is so thick he’s hard to understand. The effects are good, but the same can’t be said for anything else. See if desperate

Review – Invaders from Mars (1986)

Tobe Hooper directs this stiff remake of the semi-famous sci fi classic. Aside from occasional nods to the original, this one doesn’t have much going for it. The acting is stiff (surprising considering there are some talented people in the cast). Some of the effects are fun in a pre-CGI sort of way. See if desperate

Review – Dune Part 2

So am I to take from the ending that they’re planning a third one? That seems like a strange decision, given that (spoiler alert) they did away with all the bad guys at the end of this episode. The only unresolved question was how the witless protagonist would reunite with his scowling girlfriend, which I don’t even vaguely care enough about to endure another three hours of this. As with the first episode, the effects were impressive but the story was convoluted and dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Rebel Moon: A Child of Fire

Philosophical question: would any movie that combines Star Wars and The Seven Samurai automatically count as a remake (or reboot or whatever) of Battle Beyond the Stars? To be sure, mid-budget filmmaking has gotten a lot more sophisticated since 1980. Effects are better. Producers are more savvy about setting things up for sequels. Beyond that, however, the story is at least three different kinds of reheated. Mildly amusing

Review – 1899

The parallels between this and Lost are too self-conscious to ignore, right down to the over-stylized trick of starting episodes with close-ups of eyes. It’s a meandering steamship in the title year rather than a crashed airplane, but it’s still a set of disparate characters up against situations that appear to have been designed to flummox them. Considering how nonsensical and repetitive the action becomes, it’s a good thing this sticks with one season rather than stretching to six. See if desperate

Review – Intersect

One of the many problems with telling a story backwards is that it disrupts the flow conventions we’re all comfortable with. As a result, this seemed like it was going to end considerably before it did. On the other hand, some of the twists in this time travel tale wouldn’t have worked as well if events were presented in chronological order. I liked the quasi-Lovecraftian subplot about how disruptions in the spacetime continuum somehow attract extra dimensional monsters. Sadly, that was only a small part of a larger soap opera about dislikable characters often operating from unclear motives (even given that effect tended to precede cause). See if desperate

Review – Dune (2021)

This is just never going to work. What is this, the fourth attempt to bring this story to the screen? Of course I’ve also tried the original novel and the graphic novelization to similar ill effect, so maybe I should personally stop giving it another chance rather than griping about Hollywood’s business. They stopped the plot midway through, so I’m assuming they’ll release a sequel at some point. And I’m guessing it will be a lot like this one: beautiful but vapid. The art direction, special effects, cinematography, really every visual element of the production are all excellent. The actors all look like supermodels (even the Harkonnens). But the characters and their story remain unapproachable, like a stiff interpretation of the holy scripture from some unfamiliar culture. Mildly amusing

Review – Bill and Ted Face the Music

Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves are getting too old for this. Or I’m getting too old for this. Or both. This second unnecessary sequel follows the formula of the first two, bringing in the title duo’s daughters for any shenanigans their dads can’t plausibly indulge. If you’ve been pining away for more plotless, witless, time-traveling situation comedy sprinkled with sub-references, pine no longer. See if desperate

Review – Geostorm

Though I appreciated all the elaborate scenes of extinction-level destruction, the story left me cold. I need something a little more plausible. Earth being threatened by asteroids or some other within-the-realm-of-possibility menace makes the plot intriguing. But by the time we’ve gone through a series of ridiculous twists about weather manipulation satellites and zero gravity action sequences, it’s just not as much fun. Mildly amusing