Review – In and Out

This is one of those annoying little films that has just a small handful of moments that make it worth seeing. Fortunately, most of the really good stuff comes during the scenes with Joan Cusack in them, so most of the rest can be fast-forwarded through. Still, for the full effect, watch the whole thing. Most of it is a lot of preachiness about a gay man coming to grips with his sexuality, but there are a few funny detours along this generally pedantic pathway. Mildly amusing

Review – Predator 2

While the sequel doesn’t surpass the original by any stretch of the imagination, it does at least hold up a little better than most. The script leaves a little to be desired in spots (relying heavily on heaps of rectum-obsessed profanity), but the plot keeps moving and the effects aren’t too bad. Maybe I’m reading too much into the whole Predator thing, but I sense at least the undertones of an anti-hunting message. So that’s a plus as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Predator

One of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s better efforts, though I must admit that any high-budget action movie with an underlying anti-hunting message is bound to appeal to me (Surviving the Game being a noteworthy exception to this rule). Here we have The Most Dangerous Game with a twist: the human-hunting antagonist is an alien, presumably a creature from an extraterrestrial race advanced as far beyond humanity as we are above the beasts of the field that we hunt for our amusement. Though the macho posturing gets more than a little thick in places, the plot keeps moving and the action sequences are well directed. Worth seeing

Review – The Postman

Here we have Waterworld without the water, complete with a post-apocalyptic land terrorized by itinerant bandits until a disaffected loner drifts in, takes up with a rail-thin local woman, and ultimately saves the day. Even little stuff (such as a stunt involving a long trip via a convenient cable) is repeated from the last high-priced Costner debacle. Where does he get the money for these things? Who pays for them? Honestly. See if desperate

Review – I Know What You Did Last Summer

Apparently what we did last summer was make yet another run of the mill slasher picture. I concede that I’m not exactly a member of the target audience for these things, so maybe I shouldn’t judge. Still, I can’t help remembering back when director Wes Craven would at least stir the occasional clever element into the mix rather than just have some guy dressed up like the Gorton’s fisherman chasing moronic teenagers around for an hour and a half. This one’s missable unless you’re a big fan of urban legend allusions (to the hook man in this case), and even then you can probably bail after the first 20 minutes or so. See if desperate

Review – Humanoids from the Deep

Let’s say that the shark from Jaws was actually a coelacanth, and that pollution caused it to mutate into a bipedal creature (or collection of creatures, as it turns out) with a yen to walk around on dry land and rape nubile young women. Wow, wouldn’t that make a great movie? Apparently not. Some of the effects are amusing if you’re into guys in big fish suits, but the continuity and other technical problems are legion (how about the woman who’s actually drier after she showers?) and the acting is as laughable as the script. If you’re easily amused by tit shots, you may get a minor bang out of this. Otherwise it doesn’t offer much. Oh, and dog violence warning. See if desperate

Review – Fallen

If you’re looking for evidence that Hollywood movies are now nothing more than plot hash, leftovers from previous Hollywood movies mashed together in new and less than interesting ways, then this one will do wonders for advancing your thesis. The corned beef is supplied by The Hidden, the potatoes are from Shocker (or pick your favorite executed-criminal-comes-back-as-demonic-force picture), and those mystery veggies are probably from The Exorcist. Denzel Washington demonstrates his willingness to squander his talent on crap (as if, after Virtuosity, his “availability” was really an issue), and John Goodman and Donald Sutherland didn’t help. See if desperate

Review – Mars Attacks!

Tim Burton’s war of the worlds picture has some really amusing moments and some other moments that aren’t quite so amusing (including some gratuitous animal violence). Overall, it’s an awkward little movie, more a long collection of gags and art direction than a real plot of any kind. My favorite part: when the grandmother cackles out “They blew up Congress!” Added bonus: features scenes in both Kansas and D.C. Mildly amusing

Review – The Man in the Iron Mask

This is the 1997 version starring everybody and his dead uncle as the intrepid musketeers and Leonardo DiCaprio as the King of France. Yeah, this one is about as good as it sounds. The number of sets they must have had to provide for these scenery-chewing hams must have been astounding. Mildly amusing

Review – Extreme Measures

Tense medical drama a la Coma, complete with evil doings involving helpless research victims. I suspect this looked a little better in the treatment stage than it turned out to be once it was in the can, and at least part of the problem is the script. Though where this film is going is always fairly clear, the plot moves in fits and spurts (wasting a lot of time on the sinister destruction of the Hugh Grant character’s reputation). An occasional good moment, but otherwise this is mostly fodder for ethics professors looking to throw in a videotape for their classes to save them a lecture or two. Mildly amusing

Review – Poltergeist 2

Though it has its moments, this sequel doesn’t have much of the punch of the original. The old guy who plays the evil preacher character does an excellent job, but he’s creepy at least in part because in real life he was suffering from a serious illness (at least if I recall the Hollywood gossip correctly). The writer and/or director devoted way too much time to touchy-feely family togetherness themes, and not enough time to the scary stuff. I mean come on, this is supposed to be a ghost story, right? Even the infamous Puke Monster, designed by H.R. Gieger, doesn’t inspire much beyond a temporary gross-out (even Gieger disowned it). Mildly amusing

Review – Poltergeist

One of the all-time great cinematic ghost stories, even if it does start out as little more than a movie version of the old “Little Girl Lost” episode of The Twilight Zone. This film combines Steven Spielberg’s ability to capture suburban banality with Tobe Hooper’s ability to disrupt suburban banality with his sense of the macabre. The two make a good combination, inasmuch as Hooper keeps the film from becoming ET-syrupy sweet, and Spielberg helps Hooper overcome his abysmal sense of pace and timing. The effects aren’t knock-down terrific, but they’re good sight gags. Of course, the real nightmare was actually having the what-if-the-forces-of-evil-stole-your-house question on a real estate final in law school (no doubt the professor’s largely unsuccessful attempt at humor). Oh, and then there’s the curse (two of the actors who played the kids are dead, one the victim of a bizarre crime and the other the victim of a bizarre medical mishap). Buy the tape

Review – The Howling

Although this is one of the better werewolf flicks to come out of Hollywood in recent years, it still suffers from some of the traditional werewolf setbacks. The biggest among these is the dreaded transformation scene, where the plot drops dead for a couple of minutes while the audience is forced to behold one of the actors acquiring enough makeup appliances to become a giant dog. Sure, it’s well done here (for the most part; a couple of shots look like broom handles pushing latex, and transforming Dee Wallace into a great big Pekinese dog probably wasn’t the world’s brightest idea), but it’s still a show-stopper in the not-good way. Once the werewolves actually assume their lupine forms, however, the creatures in specific and the film in general work pretty well. Of course, having a script by John Sayles never hurts. Worth seeing

Review – The Bodyguard

They must’ve wanted someone besides Whitney Houston for this role. I mean, Kevin Costner does a pretty good job (mostly because I think he’s pretty well suited to the straight-laced, conservative stiff role). But Houston? Here she’s cast as an egotistical celebrity rather than the sweet girl-next-door that’s served her as a persona throughout most of her musical career. They must have wanted Madonna or something, but I guess that wouldn’t have worked out after the thing between her and Costner in Truth or Dare. In any event, the whole idea of the awkward relationship between the spoiled singer and her gritty bodyguard was a pretty good plot concept, but somehow it just doesn’t seem to work here. Again, my guess is bad chemistry between the stars. Mildly amusing

Review – Supercop

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan movie. This one finds Chan working undercover as a Hong Kong cop cooperating with his female counterpart from the PROC. Worth seeing

Review – Howard Stern’s Private Parts

Wow, the world’s most repulsive mental-and-emotional-ten-year-old jerk has a human side. He’s a good family man, not a racist and a pervert. It’s all just an act. Who would have guessed? Wish I’d skipped it