Review – Tinsel Town

For the most part this is every bit as terrible as one would expect from a holiday-themed rom com starring Kiefer Sutherland. The protagonist is a washed-up egomaniac actor who gets stuck performing in a Christmas pantomime play in rural England. In addition to predictable high jinks and plot twists, the production teaches a lesson here and there about panto traditions. Derek Jacobi (!) supplies a poignant moment amid the Hallmark-esque treacle. Mildly amusing

Review – House of Long Shadows

“House of Long Story with a Small Payoff” is more like it. They got Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and John Carradine, and yet all they had to do was let Desi Arnaz Jr. take the lead and the whole thing turned into a huge pile of crap. The script is so weak I’m surprised anyone involved – particularly the famous stars – ever agreed to do it. And as if the bulk of the running time wasn’t bad enough, the twist ending is really beyond excuse. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Compleat Al

I watched this so many times back in the 80s that I had a pretty good chunk of it memorized. So it was interesting to see which jokes were still funny and which ones didn’t age all that well, either because I matured away from them or circumstances changed their context (especially the Michael Jackson stuff). On the other hand, Weird Al is sufficiently charming that this mockumentary about his career survives a few rough patches. Mildly amusing

Review – Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

I made the mistake of watching this back to back with the original, which served to accent the utter charmlessness of the sequel. Rather than a cohesive story, this is more of an assemblage of inside jokes and other sub-references. Typical of the experience is the musical number: Harry Belafonte gives way to an awkwardly-choreographed and far too long lip sync to “MacArthur Park.” Between the odd bits of improv and dancing around absent cast members from the first one, there just isn’t enough to make this entertaining. See if desperate

Review – Mascots

I almost skipped this one, in part because I’m not currently a Netflix subscriber and in part because I’ve been unimpressed by the trajectory of Christopher Guest’s ensemble comedies. For Your Consideration was bad enough to make me swear off further efforts, but the assurances of someone I trust led me to give this one a try. I’m glad I did. This returns to the plot structure of Best in Show, only this time focusing on a sports mascot competition. The outre subject leads to some delightfully bizarre moments, and the cast doesn’t disappoint. Worth seeing

Review – Barbie

The last movie I saw about Barbie was Hotel Terminus, so at least this one was shorter. Everyone’s hearts are in the right place here, and that’s actually part of the problem. Most of the wry critiques of gender roles in American popular culture are on point, but they take the place of plot and character development. The result is more of a cleverly produced parade of in jokes than an actual story. Mildly amusing

Review – Jackass Forever

The usual suspects (plus or minus a few) are back to their old tricks. And at this point I sincerely mean “old.” Some of it’s funny. Some of it’s gross. Some of it is downright disturbing. In other words, familiar territory. Mildly amusing

Review – Minions: The Rise of Gru

Because you’d sell fewer tickets if it was called Gru and Maybe Some Minions? The pre-teen version of the antihero from the Despicable Me series seeks admission to his favorite supervillain team, and he doesn’t take rejection well. Sight gags. Rack music from the 70s. If you like the rest of these, then eh, why not? Mildly amusing

Review – Transylvania 6-5000

Literally everybody in this movie appears to be improving everything they do. And not in a Robert Altman slice-of-life way, either. More in a “let the actors make a giant mess so the movie will fail and turn into a big tax write-off” way. The result is a sloppy, amateurish mess, an assembly of sight gags so stupid that it’s almost literally unwatchable. And yet when I sit through crap like this, I can never quite shake the feeling that this is somebody’s favorite movie. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

Third verse, worse than the first. Though the action shifts to London this time, we’re still firmly rooted in familiar territory. The tear-jerker ending might have been more effective if any of the rest of the movie had given the audience anything to care about. See if desperate

Review – Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

This time around I didn’t go into the experience expecting it to be good, so I wasn’t disappointed when it wasn’t. In this episode the hero from the original is a shopping channel millionaire who gets awkwardly transplanted back into his previous career as a night watchman at the Museum of Natural History in New York. Only now the magical doodad that brings the exhibits to life at night has been shipped to the title location in Washington. Before things can be set aright, the story picks up Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams), George Armstrong Custer (Bill Hader) and Hank Azaria doing his best Boris Karloff impression as the ancient Egyptian villain. The accent and some of the other gags are entertaining, but more often than not the humor follows the drawn-out, un-funny precedent set by the first one. Mildly amusing

Review – Cruella

I walked away disappointed by Disney’s attempts at a post-modern reimagining of the villain from Sleeping Beauty. Thus I was pleasantly surprised by what they did with Cruella de Vil. Emma Stone is charming as the title character, a streetwise orphan trying to go legit as a fashion designer. Her elaborate stunts aimed at her Miranda-Priestly-esque boss (Emma Thompson) are clever and entertaining. And this is the most extensive use of rack music I’ve ever seen. Overall this is an entertaining transformation of one of the most despicable characters in the studio’s history. Worth seeing

Review – Freaky Friday (1976)

This is a cut above most of the rest of the live action slop Disney was serving up back in the 1970s. Barbara Harris and Jodie Foster star as a mother-daughter duo who end up swapping personalities for a day. The situation provides enough comedy fodder to sustain the running time. On the other hand, I remember liking this as a kid, so maybe it’s just the nostalgia talking here. Mildly amusing

Review – Turning Red

Disney puts a clever twist on the onset of menstruation in a precocious teenager’s life: rather than the typical effects, she starts transforming into a large red panda. The storytelling relies heavily on physical comedy, but along the way it makes some good points about growing up and maintaining connections to one’s heritage. And of course it’s nice to see any American-made media that centers around and remains sympathetic to its female characters. If this manages to increase red panda popularity, that alone would make it worthwhile. Mildly amusing

Review – Hotel Transylvania: Transformania

More cartoon douchebags placing their loved ones in jeopardy thanks to their personal insecurities and basic dishonesty. More loved ones forgiving douchebags for placing them in jeopardy. At least it was short and Adam Sandler free. See if desperate

Review – Peter Rabbit 2

Second verse, highly similar to the first. It’s impossible to watch this sequel without noting how often the jokes depend on the movie making fun of itself for commercially exploiting something charming, artistic and non-commercial. This left me wondering (and not for the first time) if a relentless meta-awareness of badness makes something not bad. That said, the animation is good. Some of the physical comedy is funny. And the parade of celebrity voice work is impressive. Mildly amusing

Review – 8-Bit Christmas

I’d appraise this at around a quarter of the title’s stated value. Imagine A Christmas Story rewritten as a Nintendo ad, and you’ve got the gist of all but the last five minutes of this movie. And not only was the twist at the end syrupy sweet and more than a little implausible (even in the realm of Christmas miracles), but it also for no obvious reason redeemed a character who spent the rest of the movie being an asshole. The contrast provides an all too accurate comparison between the naive optimism of the early 1980s and the cynical stupidity of 2021’s retro version. See if desperate

Review – Bill and Ted Face the Music

Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves are getting too old for this. Or I’m getting too old for this. Or both. This second unnecessary sequel follows the formula of the first two, bringing in the title duo’s daughters for any shenanigans their dads can’t plausibly indulge. If you’ve been pining away for more plotless, witless, time-traveling situation comedy sprinkled with sub-references, pine no longer. See if desperate

Review – Thunder Force

For the most part we’ve got yet another quirky-dumb Melissa McCarthy comedy, this time about a pair of mis-matched best friends who gain superpowers and battle villains who are trying to take over Chicago. But a couple of points stood out. I was genuinely awestruck that they’d ask Octavia Spencer to play a Black woman whose super power was invisibility and then show absolutely no self-awareness about it. And I had to check the trivia notes to find out how they faked the scenes where characters eat raw chicken just so I could sleep at night. See if desperate

Review – The Christmas Chronicles

Brother and sister face the holidays after the recent loss of their father and without their extra-shift-working mother. Left to their own devices, they end up waylaying Santa Claus, throwing all of Christmas into jeopardy. This would be another run-of-the-mill seasonal movie if not for some unwelcome twists. The disturbed family seems a little too disturbed for comfort, particularly the brother’s membership in a car theft ring, which comes across less as a youthful prank and more of a serious crime. But the real killer is Kurt Russell’s portrayal of Santa as a churlish jerk who acts like he’d rather get drunk and sing karaoke than spread Christmas cheer throughout the world. See if desperate