Review – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

And here it is: chapter two. I never made it this far in the books, so the plot was more of a surprise this time around. Once again the production is lavish, the effects expensive and the battles immense. That’s particularly important to this installment, because much of the plot hinges on dramatic portrayals of some huge armed conflicts. The plot doesn’t start at the beginning, nor does it end at the end. And naturally there isn’t much by way of character development (unless you count Frodo’s gradual surrender to the evil of the ring or of course Gollum, who becomes a character in earnest in this episode). Otherwise most of what I said about the first one applies here as well (and I predict that next year I’ll be writing this once again about the third and final installment). Mildly amusing

Review – Ocean’s Eleven

This remake of an old Rat Pack caper movie works as an ensemble star vehicle but not much more. The film-makers strive to work a clever tale about a group of pseudo-cool guys plotting to rob a casino vault. But the plot’s too loose and full of holes to be of much interest as a traditional caper flick. There’s also a highly ineffective romance between lead hoodlum George Clooney and Julia Roberts as his ex-wife. So I guess if you’re blown away by the likes of Matt Damon and Brad Pitt (or if you like seeing so much male bonding that it really starts to come across as dysfunctionally gay), you’re in the right place. Otherwise you’re stuck in the oh-so-uninteresting world of expensive Las Vegas casinos without any particular reason to be there. See if desperate

Review – The Island of Lost Souls

Charles Laughton stars as the dastardly Doctor Moreau in this first screen adaptation of the famous sci-fi horror thriller by H.G. Wells. Oddly enough, all these years later this still surpasses the more high-tech, make-up intensive versions that came later. In part it’s the movie’s own early-talkies ineptness that makes it so startling, the extreme close-ups and melodramatic lighting all the more jarring to modern audiences. Sure, there’s a hefty dose of period racism, sexism and general mawkishness to go along with the good stuff. But if you’ve got a taste for vintage horror flicks you’ll probably find this one a relatively undiscovered treasure. Mildly amusing

Review – Theatre of Blood

Vincent Price hams it up as a bad Shakespearian actor taking the ultimate revenge on a handful of hostile critics. Having faked his own death (or more precisely having survived a bungled suicide attempt), our anti-hero has assembled a theatre company populated with winos. Their chosen scripts: the bloodiest deaths in Shakespeare’s work staged with the critics as real-life victims. The parallels between this effort and The Abominable Dr. Phibes are so strong (right down to around half the cast) that the word “reheat” comes to mind. On the other hand, if you liked it the first time it was served then likely you’ll enjoy the leftovers as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Conspiracy

Here’s an interesting subject for a made-for-cable movie: the Wansee Conference. It’s interesting to watch the Final Solution – the extermination of millions of Jewish people in concentration camp gas chambers – discussed by Third Reich bureaucrats as if they were pondering a somewhat thorny accounting problem. The petty bickering between representatives of the various branches of the Nazi state seems trivial in light of the decisions being made, and their discussions are all the more chilling for the contrast. Some of the casting is a bit odd, particularly the choice of Stanley Tucci as Eichman. But beyond that this is a fascinating viewing experience, particularly the text at the end indicating just how few of the participants were punished in any meaningful way at the end of the war. Worth seeing

Review – Exorcist 2: The Heretic

I can practically hear the sad lament of the movie studio brass on this one. “Where did we go wrong? We got the same cast. We even got some really good new actors, including James Earl Jones. We didn’t get William Friedken back, but surely John Boorman is on par with him (for better or worse). We even used the same demon. So why did this turn out to be a tragically comic follow-up to one of the best horror movies of all time?” Okay, first things first: just because the ancient Babylonians were terrified of an evil being named Pazuzu doesn’t mean the word is going to strike fear – or in fact do anything besides provoke laughter and derision – in modern American audiences. It didn’t help matters to have the creature of ultimate darkness frequently manifest itself as a big grasshopper. Further, little Linda Blair did just fine when her only real role was to lie around under a coat of latex devil makeup, but when she’s actually required to act she comes up a bit short. And don’t even get me started on Richard Burton. Then there’s the script, jam-packed with some of the most ridiculous plot devices and awful dialogue ever preserved on film. So if you’re in the mood for some of the most unintentionally funny moments in Hollywood history, you’ve come to the right place. Otherwise the only reason I can think of to spend much time with this stinker is the need to complete the Exorcist triple feature (or quintuple, in light of later developments). See if desperate

Review – Session 9

This has got to be the winner of the all-time best shooting location award (or if it isn’t the hands-down winner, it’s certainly in the top ten). It’s set in the run-down husk of the Danvers Asylum, one of the locations where the pre-frontal lobotomy was pioneered, at least according to an “on location” documentary on the DVD version of the movie. Of course, the documentary also implies the place is genuinely haunted. If only the film-makers could have gotten a bit more of that sense of dread into the story itself. As it turned out, however, this is a close-but-no-cigar experience. The writers and director deserve a round of applause for taking the tired old “haunted asylum” rah-rah, bypassing the usual clichés and coming up with something a little more cerebral. I also appreciated the decision not to waste a lot of screen time explaining the exact nature of the antagonist; the “evil” was much creepier thanks to its vagueness. Thus this might have been a much better movie if the script had been a little more focused, dwelling more on character motivation and less on maintaining a largely uninteresting sense of mystery. Mildly amusing

Review – Communion

I’m glad this still shows on cable every once in awhile, because I expect as source novel author, screenwriter and model for the protagonist Whitley Strieber still gets a little money every time it runs. And I’ll bet he can use the money, because the treatments for whatever the hell is wrong with him are probably expensive. Benefits to the creator aside, the big reason to sit through this stinker is that it’s one of the most unintentionally funny movies of all time. I suppose it’s wrong to derive amusement from the mental illness of others, but by the time Strieber (played to an uncanny tee by Christopher Walken, who actually bears a fairly strong resemblance to the author) ends up doing an awkward little dance number with the Phantasm-looking aliens who anal probed him, it’s impossible to do much of anything besides laugh. I’ve seen this movie three times now, and each time (even the first, which was in a movie theater) I sort of lost interest in it after the first 45 minutes or so. Perhaps that’s in part because it’s hard to stay interested in a bunch of disjointed, meandering crap about unpleasant encounters with space aliens. See if desperate

Review – Hell House

Nothing Richard Matheson could have come up with would be any scarier than this: a Halloween haunted house designed by evangelical Christians. The scheme here is to present real-life “horrors” such as abortion and homosexuality as spook show attractions, with the goal of convincing the gawking throngs to steer clear of evil and give their hearts to Jesus. The film-makers got outstanding access to the preparations for this elaborate production, apparently the original that has given rise to imitators across the country. The production itself is more than a little prosaic, but the subject matter is so compelling that it more than compensates. Overall this works great as a stand-alone viewing experience or in combination with the horror movie of your choice. Worth seeing

Review – Under Fire

Here we have liberals at their cutest, in full-blown crusader mode. As such, then, this is a creature of its time, a relic from the age when the Sandinista revolution in Nicaragua seemed like it might actually be a good idea (hey, even in retrospect it was better than Somosa). Nick Nolte stars as a photojournalist who gets so caught up in his work covering events leading up to the revolution that he loses his objectivity. Though this might make an interesting out-of-class assignment for journalism students, otherwise the whole show comes across as a big budget, Hollywood reheat of Salvador. Mildly amusing

Review – The Vikings

Before I watched this I was actually under the impression that Vikings were interesting. Just goes to show how wrong you can be. Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis ham it up as bitter enemies who don’t know they’re secretly brothers. To complicate matters further, they’re both in love with the same woman (Janet Leigh). The Norsemen end up coming across as sort of a medieval outlaw biker gang, serving as drunken foils for the soap opera machinations of the English. Even the battle scenes are unimpressive. The only thing that stood out from the viewing experience was just how bad the chemistry was between Curtis and Leigh, odd considering the actors were married at least for a time. See if desperate

Review – Spy Kids

I’m willing to be that if I was a ten year old, I would really love this movie. It’s full of the sort of flashy special effects, nonsensical gadgets and simple-minded plot twists virtually guaranteed to keep pre-teens amused for an hour and a half or so. Our young protagonists discover that their parents are actually international super-spies in need of rescue from a TV kiddie show host who moonlights as a mad scientist. This doesn’t turn out to be one of those kid’s movies that’s secretly for adults; just about the whole show is clearly geared for the younger set. But even though that excludes me from the target audience, I’m sort of okay with that. This was good fun on its own terms. Mildly amusing

Review – Murder by Numbers

The ol’ Leopold and Loeb song and dance get dusted off and put back in the middle of the table for this thoroughly un-thrilling murder “mystery.” Sandra Bullock plays the lead as a crime scene investigator hot on the trail of the pampered thrill killers while pursued by her own inner demons. At this point in her career she’s proven herself an adept in the George Clooney Two Facial Expressions School of Acting. Still, the script doesn’t exactly merit an actor with greater range. It’s pretty simple-minded stuff. My favorite part: the scene in which – apropos of nothing – Bullock is attacked by a baboon. See if desperate

Review – Windtalkers

This John Woo action epic is set on the island of Saipan during World War Two, where my grandpa was stationed. Thus I should confess that I was a little more interested in the movie than the average filmgoer might be. That disclaimer aside, one gets what one should come to expect from Woo and war: lots of lavish battle scenes that simultaneously glamorize combat and bemoan its inescapable result. In addition, the story of Navajo code-talkers also features a fair amount of cliché-ridden speechifying about the wrongness of racism. Overall not a bad effort, though it comes across as a super-slick reheat of The Sands of Iwo Jima and its general ilk with just enough 21st-century sensibility to make it palatable. Mildly amusing

Review – Don't Say a Word

I’m tempted to follow the title recommendation, at least in the spirit of Thumper Rabbit’s mother’s famous advice. But no, my duty is to the movie-watching public, and thus I must sound the alarm about this second-rate mystery flick. Michael Douglas plays a child psychiatrist whose daughter is kidnapped by goons who need information locked in the mind of one of the good doctor’s deeply ill patients. The premise had promise, but the execution manages nothing more than another parade of uninteresting twists and turns designed to do little more than keep the action limping along. I admit to a fair measure of natural hostility to the whole kids-in-jeopardy thing, so that might have been part of why I found this outing so completely charmless. See if desperate