Review - The Mummy (2017)

I wanted desperately to love this movie. With the grand success of cinematic universes, I would have been a big fan of a new one evolving from the classic Universal horror properties. But this picture is hampered in no small part by its ham-handed effort to start just such a franchise. Of course it doesn’t help to have a trite, muddled script and big-name stars phoning in their performances (Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe, I’m looking at you). I didn’t hate it as much as the rest of the world seems to have, but it wasn’t good enough to accomplish its purpose. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy’s Shroud

I want to like mummy movies. I really do. And if they can just meet me halfway, I can muster at least a little affection for them. I’m not picky. Give me a new twist on the old back-from-the-dead-to-carry-out-a-curse plot. Give me a character other than the usual cadre of tomb-robbing Brits and sinister Egyptians. Hell, just give me a mummy that’s interesting to look at. Sadly, this production manages to fail on all counts. The mummy himself is particularly disappointing. He looks like a tall man in a white ski mask and jumpsuit. Hammer’s finest hour this ain’t. See if desperate

Review – The Curse of King Tut's Tomb

This must be the longest Syfy movie ever. Though it’s as long as a mini-series, it doesn’t have enough plot for a tenth of the four-hour running time. The cast of tomb-robbers is led by an Indiana Jones rip-off (Casper Van Dien), but most of the plot is pilfered from The Mummy with touches thrown in from conspiracy-centered action pictures such as Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. In order to sustain the production’s brutal length, everything takes double or triple the amount of time it reasonably has to. Otherwise, however, this is the usual blend of dreadful dialogue and shoddy effects. See if desperate

Review – The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The first one’s still the best, but after that it’s a close call between the second one and this. The plots are sufficiently similar to be interchangeable. Cast-wise, Jet Li makes a better villain than Arnold Vosloo did (though Vosloo was good as well) but Rachel Weisz was a better Evie (though there’s nothing particularly wrong with her replacement). I liked the yeti in this one a bit better than the mini-mummies in number two, but once again it’s a near thing. So if you’ve seen the second one you’ve pretty much seen this one too, but if you liked number two you should get a kick out of this as well. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy’s Ghost

Mummies are scary. Ghosts are scary. So a mummy’s ghost should be double scary, right? Apparently not. Perhaps the two cancelled each other out rather than doubling up. Or perhaps the problem was that there’s a mummy here, but he doesn’t really seem to be a ghost of any kind. In any event, at this point I’ve lost track of which 40s-era mummy movie is a sequel to which other 40s-era mummy movie. I think this is a sequel to something, but it’s hard to be sure exactly to what without checking the timeline. And I’m too lazy to do research on a movie that isn’t any better than this. Once again Lon Chaney Jr. shambles about in search of tomb-defiling archaeologists, his mummy makeup sporting an especially inappropriate haircut. Just about the only notable feature of this episode is John Carradine’s entry into the White Guys Who Don’t Look Ethnic Just Because They’re Slathered With Makeup Hall of Fame. Beyond that, however, this is distinguished from every other cheap, black-and-white mummy movie ever made is the usual downer of an ending. See if desperate

Review – Pharaoh’s Curse

Watching this movie was like volunteering for some kind of cruel sleep deprivation experiment. The story is sooooo boring that in fairly short order it started to put me out like a swig of NyQuil. But every time I started to nod off, some new bogey would spook the love interest and she’d go into a top-volume screeching fit. Or some equally pointless noise-making would occur. I wish if film-makers set about the task of putting me to sleep that they’d at least have the courtesy to not wake me up. To the extent that this production even had a story, it seemed to be about some archaeologists and soldiers defiling an ancient tomb and awakening its guardian mummy (a monster that from most angles looks like an old guy in a nightshirt). So at least if I’d managed to sleep through it I could have made it up later by watching any other mummy movie ever made. See if desperate

Review – Blood from the Mummy's Tomb

Once again Stoker’s “Jewel of the Seven Stars” gets whipped out for another flogging. Ancient curses. Artifacts stolen from a tomb. Beautiful woman possessed by the spirit of an Egyptian princess. Blah blah blah. Some of the “scary” sequences are kinda fun in a creepy, Hammer sort of way. But most of the rest of the production moves between predictable plot points in a not particularly interesting path. Mildly amusing

Review – Legion of the Dead

Do six mummies and a reanimated nekkid Egyptian queen really constitute a legion? Perhaps they should have called it “Legion of the Plot Holes So Huge You Could Build a Pyramid in One.” Low production values. Virtually script-free. Zach “Gremlins” Galligan and Bruce “Not Mark Hamil” Boxleitner were the acting highlights, and the director took pity on Galligan and killed his character off early. The rest is strictly amateur hour, with a handful of “college students” stumbling around a story that has something to do with bringing aforementioned queen and minions back from the dead to rule the universe or some such. The only real distinction here is that this has to be one of the all-time worst sound jobs I’ve ever suffered through. The dialogue is whisper-quiet, requiring viewers to turn the sound up so high that loud sound effects (particularly the apropos-of-nothing thunderclaps that frequently punctuate scenes) become eardrum-destroying assaults. Other than that, if cheap gore and a minimal number of bare boob shots float your boat, then prepare for your boat to be floated. Otherwise avoid with care. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Dawn of the Mummy

This might have been a better movie if it had been made 20 years later. Well okay, it probably still would have been cheap horror exploitation garbage, but at least the folks who made it would have had more liberty to include the sex and gore they seem so desperately to want but were probably prohibited by 1981 mores from including in their production. The story starts off as a standard mummy tale, with fashion models added into the cadre of crass English-speakers disturbing the mummy’s tomb. But by the end this has disintegrated into a cheap rip of the zombie movies implied by the syntax of the title. See if desperate

Review – The Mummy’s Kiss

Okay, this one was my fault. One look at the box should have told me that this was soft-core porn rather than an actual mummy movie. Sure, there’s a mummy in it briefly at the beginning, but it’s almost immediately magically transformed into a topless woman. From there on out it’s a quasi-rip of the Fraser/Weisz mummy movies only with a pseudo-lesbian twist. And though I have little use for soft-core smut, I’ll confess to being at least a little peeved to discover that the tape rented from Hollywood Video is missing most of the sex scenes (or at least so I suspect, considering that anything that looks like a sex scene gets cut abruptly short, in at least one case leaving a gap in the plot). I wanted a mummy movie, but once denied that I guess I would have preferred to at least gotten what I did end up renting however dreadful it turned out to be. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Mummy Returns

As does the bulk of the cast from the 1999 original – less the characters who were irrevocably killed in the first round – supplemented by The Rock (virtually line-free, by the way) and a handful of other disposable supporting roles. The plot and the special effects are back again as well. Sadly, this time around the script leaves a bit to be desired. The story isn’t exactly what you’d call tight, suffering from several twists that come and go without contributing much to the overall tale. Still, I suppose it does its job, assuming that job is to glue the action sequences together. For the most part the fights, chases and scare shots work well. I particularly enjoyed the evil warriors despite wondering why they decided to model them after relatively benign Annubis rather than the actual Egyptian god of darkness, Set. On the other hand, I could have done without the mini-mummies that looked like bizarre combos of fetuses and the Zuni Warrior Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror. Though the first one was better, this one’s not a bad way to kill a couple of hours. However, DVD viewers be warned: the “Collector’s Edition” disc is poorly assembled, including extra features of poor technical quality and no option for widescreen viewing. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy (1959)

The old guy walks yet again, this time courtesy of the magic of Hammer Films. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee once again square off in a rehash of monster movie territory first explored by Universal decades earlier. Along for the ride come bad elements like racism and sexism as well as stuff like the archaeological themes that make good mummy movies so much fun. Despite the heavy makeup and the lack of dialogue (except for the obligatory origin-of-the-mummy sequence), Lee actually manages to wring a fair amount of emotion from his slow-moving role. So if you have a taste for British horror movies from this particular era, you should find this example thoroughly enjoyable. Mildly amusing

Review – Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy

At no point in this entire movie does the antagonist make the slightest noise, let alone scream. Sadly, that’s nowhere near this picture’s greatest defect. That honor is evenly shared between the amateur acting, dreadful script, and intensely uneven pace. I’ll let horror movies get away with a lot, and leeway typically extends even further when a mummy is involved (even when it’s an Aztec mummy like this one rather than the more traditional, Egyptian variety). But even my lax standards don’t accommodate dull movies, and this one goes so long between interesting moments that even “dull” doesn’t do it justice. Just about the only novel or noteworthy element here is that the teenage guys spend more time stripped down to their underwear than do their female counterparts. So if that floats your boat, you might want to check it out. Otherwise ... Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb

It’s like The Mummy’s Curse and The Mummy’s Tomb all rolled into one! Actually, this is a Hammer production unrelated to either previous movie except via the loose connection of theme. Here the mummy is revived to seek vengeance on those who desecrated his tomb (what a surprise). Actually, this is sort of a charming old movie in a 1960s vintage Hammer sort of way. However, you know you’re in trouble when the most sensible, most likable character is the ruthless American capitalist who wants to exploit the treasured Egyptian relics as a sideshow attraction. And you’re in even deeper trouble when the American is the first in a long line of the mummy’s victims. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy’s Tomb

The poor ol’ guy might have been better off just staying buried. Only the dwindling good graces of the Hollywood movie factory keep this weak effort one shuffling step away from the realms of Ed Wood and his kith. I suppose we should all be grateful that Lon Chaney (a.k.a. Lon Chaney Jr.), as the mummy, doesn’t have any lines. But somehow he still manages to stink, as does the rest of this trite rehash of mummy movie clichés. See if desperate

Review – Tale of the Mummy

I wanted to like this movie. I really did. And I should have; it had a big dose of the creepy archaeological stuff that I like so much in horror movies. It just seemed like ever time it was ready to take off and run with the ball, it got bogged down on some obscure plot point or mummy movie cliché. Not helping matters was the fact that the mummy this time around isn’t a walking corpse as much as he’s a big, frequently amorphous collection of wrappings. Sometimes he’s a computer-animated menace that provides a chill or two, but he spends even more time looking like a big wad of masking tape. Jason Scott Lee puts in an acceptable performance, though often it seems like his heart’s not quite in it. The result: a film that seems to have a lot going for it, but somehow never quite pulls it all together. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy’s Hand

At least Lon Chaney Jr. isn’t in this one. Despite his absence, however, this is the usual parade of dry, dusty, walking corpses, ancient curses, sinister Egyptian baddies, valiant white heroes and damsels in distress. If anything, this rehash of the usual mummy clichés is made all the more annoying by the intrusion of enough comic relief to bring the plot to the border of an Abbot and Costello-style farce. Every once in awhile the hollow-eyed mummy gets a good camera angle, but other than that this film offers little or nothing even to die-hard sub-genre fans. See if desperate

Review – The Mummy’s Curse

Ah, I can still hear the disembodied voice of the Friday Fright Night announcer ringing in my ears. “I hope the mummy doesn’t stub his toe. Then we’ll really hear the mummy’s curse! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh! At least if he hurts himself he’s already got plenty of bandages! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh!” And so on. Not to mention the scratchy, faded prints, the telecine so cheap that huge wads of lint balled up on the screen, dancing like giant bugs before being swept away in the celluloid tide. Those were the days. Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes. This sequel to The Mummy’s Tomb manages to surpass the original by a small measure, though for the most part it’s just more of the same parade of clichés. As if the traditional sinister Egyptian stereotypes weren’t offensive enough, this time they’ve added an African American character who delivers lines such as “De mummy’s loose and he’s dancin’ wit de debbil!” Nostalgia has its limits, and much of this is well beyond them. See if desperate

Review – The Mummy (1999)

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s just something about this movie that doesn’t seem to work. The effects are really good, so they’re not to blame. I admit that I don’t like the horror-comedy mix, so the goofy antics stuffed in between the thrills might have been at fault, particularly when they were played in the same scenes with the scary stuff. The acting didn’t help, either; Brendan Fraser wasn’t too bad as the hero, but the heroine came across as a bargain basement Mary Poppins wannabe. The supporting cast is also rife with unpleasant ethnic stereotypes. Overall, however, this just seems to be one of those good efforts that never quite seem to come together. The DVD includes audio commentary by the director and editor, as well as an effects-info-intensive documentary and various other features. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy (1932)

Like Todd Browning’s Dracula, this film’s spot in history is just too close to the silents for it to be very sophisticated by today’s standards. That notwithstanding, it’s got a lot going for it. For openers, Boris Karloff plays the title character, giving the role just the right morbid touches to convincingly play an undead creature imprisoned in a sarcophagus for 3,700 years. And like most of the films in the sub-genre herein originated, this movie features a lot of archaeology-related plot twists. Most of it is pretty hokey stuff, but even so it appeals to my personal preferences in horror movies. Worth seeing