Saturday, October 31, 2009

My eight favorite ghost story movies

As a story-telling medium, movies have campfire gatherings deep in their souls. And there’s no more quintessential campfire tale than the ghost story. Folktales are rife with the spirits of the departed, and these legends have crept their way into works of theology and literature from all parts of the globe.

Thus it’s only natural that tales of haunting and other ghostly doings are easy subjects for screen adaptations. However, the traditional formulae usually require some modifications. For example, one of the most famous conventions of the ghost story is that ghosts cannot directly harm the living. In a “true story,” you can get away with that. The mere thought of a spirit returning from beyond the grave would be spooky all by itself if it really happened. But audiences automatically assume that movies are make-believe, so merely putting in an appearance usually isn’t enough of an act even for dead people.

Thus Hollywood tends to elaborate. They blur the line between ghosts and zombies. Or ghosts and serial killers. Or rather than the ethereal remains of a dead person, the antagonist is a demon or other evil spirit possessing a house or person.

Or the rule against direct harm can be bent or even directly broken. For example, the Headless Horseman is a vengeful spirit not the least bit shy about chopping heads directly, at least in the Tim Burton version of the tale. Many of the entries in this list take a similar approach.

Regardless of the specific details, there’s just something about a good ghost story. And here are eight of them.

 

The Haunting – If you’re in the mood for an empty-headed thrill ride, by all means check out the 1999 version. But the original is thoughtful and spooky rather than slick and noisy. Further, for better or worse it sticks a lot closer to Shirley Jackson’s source story. As such, it’s the perfect generic ghost story (“generic” in the sense of typifying the genre, not in the sense of being crappy because it isn’t name-brand).

The Legend of Hell House – While The Haunting is the sort of picture I dutifully include on a list like this, Hell House is the sort of picture I actually like. The plots of this one and the last one are similar: a group of investigators stays in a house reputed to be extremely haunted. But this time the tale is less gentile and spooky and more visceral and menacing. This isn’t a festival of gore or nudity, though such a picture could easily have been made from Richard Matheson’s novel. Instead the violence and sex are largely implied, making them even more intense than if they’d been explicitly shown. The story works well and the actors do a good job with Matheson’s script.

The Shining – If we were continuing the vaguely Scooby-Doo-flavored theme of researchers versus haints, the Stephen King work we’d include here would be Rose Red. But The Shining is a considerably better (not to mention more tightly plotted and thus shorter) production. Stanley Kubrick’s wonderful visuals combine with Jack Nicholson’s iconic performance as an unfortunate, ghost-maddened winter caretaker in an old hotel. Of the eight movies on this list, this is one of three that I actually have in my collection and the one that I’d keep if I could keep only one.

Poltergeist – Sure, at heart it’s an overblown Twilight Zone episode. But the script supplies plenty of eerie moments, never letting the story bog down in extended dull sections. The effects are good particularly by pre-CGI standards. And then of course there’s The Curse (assuming that the deaths of four series stars counts as a curse, particularly when two of them died under ordinary circumstances). This is also one of only two pictures on the list that has sequels (and the only one that has both a second and a third installment), in case you want to keep the party going.

The Cry – As I mentioned in the intro, ghosts are ubiquitous. They show up in one form or another in just about every culture on the planet. Thus this list benefits from really good ghost tales based on folktales from cultures outside the United States. One such tale is the creepy legend of La Lllorona, a child-murdering spirit from Mexican folk traditions. Though she can be a challenge to work with, The Cry does a superior job of integrating the legend into modern, urban culture. Further, the production values sit nicely on the fence between too expensive and not expensive enough.

Kwaidan – This picture gets two strong votes for inclusion on the list. First, it’s a Japanese production. Yes, you’ll have to read subtitles. But it’s worth it. Nobody does a good ghost story like the Japanese. Second, it’s a quartet of shorter stories rather than a single, feature-length plot. This makes it a bit more like ghost stories told around a campfire, directly to the point and full of simple scares.

The Ring – And of course anything that does well in a foreign market stands a good chance of getting remade by Hollywood. I don’t know that this really justified all the hype that surrounded it during its original release, but it is an entertaining, stylish ghost story. I also liked the anyone-can-blunder-into-the-thing’s-clutches element. In most haunted house story lines, the menace can be avoided just by not going into the house. But once curiosity or happenstance brings you into contact with a certain videotape, the ghost in this one will get you in a week no matter what you do.

Beetlejuice – If you were going to watch all these movies in one sitting, you’d probably want to finish the set with a little comic relief. This picture also reminds us of the whistling-past-the-graveyard aspect of many childhood ghost stories, which often turned out to be elaborate jokes. The title character is a great blend of funny and dangerous, though he does have just a bit too much obnoxious stirred into the mix. Plus the list needed at least a little Tim Burton somewhere.

Review – Nosferatu

Even more than 80 years later, this still holds up as a fine movie. Of course even if it completely sucked it would still be worth a look thanks to the key role it played in the early development of horror cinema. But in addition to being a historical curiosity, it’s also an entertaining picture. To be sure, 21st century audiences will have to have a little patience. It’s silent. It has some dull passages. And it’s more than a little rough around the edges. But it also sports some delightfully spooky scenes. If nothing else, “Max Schreck” is the most vampire-y screen vampire I’ve ever seen. Worth seeing

Friday, October 30, 2009

Review – The Devil’s Carnival

So Andrew Lloyd Webber killed himself with a massive overdose of PCP and they made this movie out of his suicide note, right? I can think of no other explanation for such a production, nor can I imagine what crime Aesop might have committed that would justify turning three of his stories into pseudo-expressionist community theater. A quick side note to Dayton Callie: buddy, if you’re hurting for money so bad that you’re willing to dress up like The Penguin for junk like this, maybe Deadwood fans could take up a collection for you. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Innocents

Ugh. Even movie versions of Henry James are boring. Actually, this might not have been as bad if we hadn’t just finished watching The Haunting, a movie from a similar era that likewise relied more on the cerebral than the visceral and yet was nowhere near as dull. Deborah Kerr plays nanny to two treacly-yet-creepy English children who live in a haunted estate in the country. Every once in awhile the picture will conjure a spooky moment or indulge in some genuinely disturbing (though not graphic) sexuality. But you really have to be in the mood for a dry, slow-paced, shock-free ghost story before even considering taking this one on. Mildly amusing

Review – Ulysses

Early in his career – 1954 to be exact – Dino De Laurentiis produced this genuinely strange version of Homer’s Odyssey. And oh is it ever bizarre. My particular favorite part was when our hero gets stranded on an island full of people who apparently can’t tell the difference between togas and dresses. These guys look like the cast from a Hasidic production of The Rocky Horror Show. But that was scarcely the only odd moment in the picture. For example, the crew escapes from Polyphemus by getting him drunk on “wine” that apparently comes directly out of grapes when a frantic juicing dance is done on them. No fermentation time required. Most of the rest of the production is on par with such moments (though it does drag badly in spots). Kirk Douglas and Anthony Quinn head an otherwise-mostly-Italian ensemble. At least it was a little better than the Armand Assante version. Mildly amusing

Review – Driftwood

This is ostensibly a ghost story, and in fairness I must admit that it does feature a few brief appearances by a ghost. However, for the most part it’s a boring story about a misunderstood youth (Raviv Ullman) sent to a “tough love” institution managed by a cruel jerk (Diamond Dallas Page, whom I’m guessing was a pro wrestler sometime in the past). He gets in scuffles with the other kids. He sasses the guards. They brutalize him. Around midway through the “mystery” of the haunting is explained, and the rest of the picture is nothing but okay-is-it-going-to-end-now. Eventually of course it does conclude, predictably enough in an orgy of vengeance-intensive caterwauling. See if desperate

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Review – 100 Feet

This picture sports one of the more clever premises I’ve seen recently: a woman convicted of killing her abusive husband gets her prison sentence commuted to house arrest. An ankle alarm keeps her from leaving the house, so it’s her bad luck that the place is haunted by the vengeful, violent spirit of her departed spouse. Famke Janssen’s Brooklyn accent is over the top, but otherwise she does a good job in the starring role. The rest of the production’s quality is likewise equal to the task. Indeed, some of the ghost effects are quite good, particularly during a brutal attack on one of the supporting characters. I was almost willing to go to three stars for this, because it packs some solid scares and the cat actually survives the whole picture. But then the end turned out to be a disappointment. Despite setting up a handful of good potential conclusions, the drama wraps up with a why-didn’t-you-think-of-that-an-hour-ago twist. Mildly amusing

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Review – Puppet Master

I’ve used a lot of words to describe Full Moon productions in the past. “Stupid” and “offensive” come most readily to mind, though I’ve employed plenty of other adjectives of similar ilk. However, this is the first time I can remember using the word “boring” on one of the company’s pictures. Unfortunately the rest of the usual descriptors apply with usual force. Psychics gather at a dilapidated hotel and find themselves besieged by evil puppets left behind decades earlier by a mad genius. A puppet with blades for hands. A puppet with a drill for a head. A puppet that pukes leeches. A puppet that … well, you get the idea. The picture includes a few brief bits of mediocre stop motion animation, but the rest of it is purely dreadful. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Sasquatch Mountain

Let’s take up a collection and buy these good folks a light meter. I’ll even donate the time to teach them to use it. Honestly, a huge percentage of this movie is drastically over-exposed. I expect this was supposed to make the production look “gritty,” though another word that ends in “itty” comes more readily to mind. Perhaps I should just be grateful that they didn’t under-expose it like most horror movie makers do now. Bank robbers, cops, an innocent bystander and a mechanic with an anti-sasquatch grudge end up banded together when the legendary bigfeets besieges them in the woods. I can’t say it needed more sasquatch, but it definitely needed less bickering bank robbers. See if desperate

Review – Doctor X

When a “moon killer” begins preying on the local populace, police attention naturally falls on the patients of Dr. Xavier, a researcher supervising a whole asylum full of mad scientists. An intrepid, obnoxious reporter tries to get to the bottom of the mystery while making passes at the good doctor’s daughter (Fay Wray). The pace is highly uneven, going from edgy – at least by 1932 standards – to goofy with no warning (disappointing for a Michael Curtiz production). Further, the picture was shot in an early version of Technicolor, giving it the appearance of a poorly-colorized black-and-white production. Still, it has a few genuinely eerie moments buried amid the strange plot twists and lame attempts at comedy. Mildly amusing

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Eight vampire movies that don’t suck

I might as well come out and say it now: I hate vampires. Can’t stand them. To put it succinctly, they suck.

The following is a summary of the case against them.

Charge #1: They’re neurotic. “Oooh, I can’t go outside during the day. I have to have dirt with me when I go to bed – in a coffin, of course – or I’ll never get to sleep. I object to religious iconography. I can’t stand garlic. I can’t stand water that’s been blessed. Mirrors make me uncomfortable. Sorry, but I’m on a special diet and I can’t eat the same food everyone else is eating.” These things are the Woody Allens of the monster world.

Charge #2: They’re lawyers. One near-universal failing of vampire movies – even the good ones – is that a big chunk of each plot is devoted to laying down the Vampire Rules. Sometimes the this-works-but-this-doesn't gets so complicated that it should be a whole class in law school. The good guys often have to waste half the picture figuring out what kills the bad guys. So not only are they neurotic as hell, but they make everyone in the movie into enablers.

Charge #3: They’re capitalists. Not for nothing is the vampire a frequent analogy employed against the system of surplus value. Actually the comparison isn’t fair to capitalists. They may suck blood, but at least part of the point behind their sucking is to turn around and re-invest. Vampires don’t even do that much.

Charge #4: They’re perverts. And not the fun kind, either. Their obsession with blood is fetishistic. They’d rather bite than actually have sex. Their inability to engage in actual intercourse is the only thing that saves them from being rapists in addition to being serial killers.

Charge #5: They’re glory hogs. Sure, they’re supposed to be the villains. But more often than not they vastly overshadow everyone else in the picture. Think about the original Dracula. Whose name comes to mind? I’m betting it isn’t Helen Chandler or David Manners. Maybe Dwight Frye. Outside chance for Edward Van Sloan. But we all know who the big name is. I don’t even have to type it.

Indeed, Hollywood seems to have given up on trying to make these evil bloodsuckers play the bad guys. Now the closest we come is a battle between evil and somewhat less evil. Vampires who are neurotic about their own neuroses. “Vegetarian” vampires. Yeesh.

Charge #6: They’re ubiquitous. Seems like for every non-vampire horror picture that gets produced, something like a dozen vampire movies hit the shelves. Can these things really be that popular? 

This last charge is the most damning. If they were easier to avoid, then those of us who don’t care for them could simply avoid them. But everywhere you turn in the horror world it’s vampire this and vampire that.

To be fair, they’ve got a couple of pluses. Female vampires stand at least a small chance of being strong, independent women. Of course they also stand a good chance of being the slaves of the most powerful male vampire in the vicinity. And if nothing else, at least vampires are a step up from torture porn.

And in that spirit, let’s acknowledge that at least some vampire movies don’t completely stink. For example:


Dracula (1931)
– Bela Lugosi’s performance as the legendary Count is iconic, a must-see for vampire lovers and haters alike. The movie is rough, even amateurish by modern standards. Still, it’s worth it.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Francis Ford Coppola’s version, on the other hand, is a trash wallow. Between Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins, it’s a wonder there’s a splinter of scenery unchewed by the end. The gore is grand guignol. The sex is Cinemax After Dark. Still, there’s something goofy fun about it.

The Night Stalker – This one deserves accolades for spawning the Kolchak TV series, but it’s also a reasonably good vampire movie all by itself. Sure, it’s packed with clichés. But it mixes funny and scary in just the right amounts to make it work.

Let the Right One In – This is about as anti-vampire as a vampire can get. She’s a gender-nonconforming child rather than a male adult. To the extent she’s able, she victimizes only people who have it coming in some way (particularly witness the end). The production is Euro-arty, but even that’s a relief from Hollywood slick and Syfy cheap.

Martin – Another “nontraditional” take on the whole vampire thing. Martin’s uncle seems certain that Martin is a vampire, but the young man himself isn’t so sure. He doesn’t have fangs or sleep in a coffin or any of the rest of the typical trappings. Indeed, his fetish for extracting blood from unwilling victims exposes the unpleasant sexuality at the core of the myth. Also, this is low-budget, working-class Pittsburgh, not aristocratic Europe. Set it on its ear, and the vampire looks a little better.

Blade – For the most part this is even worse than most vampire movies. Not only do we get the Vampire Rules, but we also have a fresh set of Vampire Slayer Rules. Still, Wesley Snipes turns in a good performance. It’s nice to see someone besides a vampire as the main character of a vampire movie. And the ultra-choreographed, jump-cut, blood-soaked vampire club massacre at the start of the picture is a high point in the sub-genre. For what it’s worth, the train platform showdown in the third one in this series is also worth a quick look.

The Hunger – Novelist Whitley Strieber and director Tony Scott explore one of the obvious gaps in the wouldn’t-it-be-cool-to-be-a-vampire fascination: if you live forever, you get to watch everyone and everything around you die. The maybe-this-isn’t-so-cool-after-all aspect is offset by the fancy, oh-so-80s visual work (not to mention David Bowie in one of the starring roles).

Fright Night – Yes, this one’s very much about the Vampire Rules. On the other hand, it has a few solid shocks. It has a few good laughs. And best of all, it’s one of the few places where actual faith intrudes into a vampire drama. One of the Rules is that religious jim-jams don’t work by themselves, that only belief in what they stand for can subdue the forces of darkness.


And though none of his performances made this list, we owe a quick tip-of-the-hat to Christopher Lee. Lugosi set the stereotype, buy in many ways Lee was a better Dracula when he played the role for Hammer Studios productions.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Review - The Fearless Vampire Killers

Roman Polanski is mistaken about several things. He thinks he’s making a send-up of Hammer horror movies. He thinks he’s funny. He thinks he can act. And he thinks on top of everything else that he can still make his movies Central European art flick dull. [also he thinks it’s okay to rape children, but that’s another story] Thank goodness he was disabused of at least some of these conceits before he made Rosemary’s Baby. This production follows the exploits of an aged professor and his young assistant as they attempt to perform amusing antics and slay vampires, largely failing on both counts. I lost interest after awhile, but I noticed that every time I left the room to take care of something and then came back, more or less the same thing was going on. So if you like Polanski’s sense of humor, you’re likely to find this an endless guffaw-fest. Otherwise you might join me in thinking it should have been called The Brazen Audience Annoyers. Wish I’d skipped it

Friday, October 23, 2009

Review – The Son of Dr. Jekyll

If this movie had come around 20 or 30 years later, it might have qualified as “postmodern.” It starts out along a fairly predictable “son of” path: Junior discovers the truth about his father and sets about trying to prove that dear old Dad (whom he never met) wasn’t actually such a bad guy. Normally one would expect him to fall into daddy’s rut and end up terrorizing London as the Son of Mr. Hyde. But instead … well, perhaps I shouldn’t reveal the turn of the screw to those of you thinking about taking this picture on. Though this is a bit on the boring side, it’s far from the worst riff on Stevenson that I’ve ever seen. Mildly amusing

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Review – The Atomic Submarine

Effects this bad might be fun if they were created by some kids playing around with sub models and a camcorder, but in a professional production the nicest thing I can say about them is that at least they’re consistent with the quality of the rest of the production. Apparently in the future submarine journeys under the North Pole will be common, not just military boats but also undersea passenger liners. Surface craft traffic appears to have picked up a bit beyond current levels as well. So it’s humanity’s dumb luck that an evil alien presence lurks under the ice, cruising its flying/swimming saucer around and destroying ships when it finds them. Eventually the intrepid, two-fisted crew of the title vessel manages to track the thing down and ram their ship into it. This leads to a showdown between our heroes and an alien that looks like a moldy hot dog with a single eye. Fun stuff. See if desperate

Review – Midnight

John A. Russo, the “genius” behind this stinker, co-wrote Night of the Living Dead with George Romero. Apparently all the brains were in the other head. This is a cheaply-made, meandering tale of a girl who flees her molesting stepfather and hitches a ride with a couple of guys who are stealing food (despite having the money for hash) as they drive cross country in a van. Around midway through the trio fall into the clutches of a psychotic hillbilly cult, giving the production a Texas Chainsaw feel that oddly enough is actually an improvement over the directionless floundering of the first 40 minutes. However, it’s still stupid stuff. The sad part is I have a vague memory of reading Russo’s book version of this same story, so I had no reason to hope that the movie would be better. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Monster A-Go-Go

The poster for this “masterpiece” indicates that “An astronaut went up. A Guess-What came down.” Further, it promises “the picture that comes complete with a 12-foot-tall monster to give you the wim-wams.” How fortunate we all are to live in an age in which such movies can be watched in the comfort of our own homes. That way when the wim-wams set in, a bathroom is always nearby. Nor does the movie fail to live up to the poster’s promises. The very first line of voice-over proudly announces, “What you are about to see may not even be possible.” Oh, if only it hadn’t been. But as the movie itself points out, “Fate and history never deal in ifs.” Once this Ed-Wood-esque travesty has been seen, it cannot be unseen. See if desperate


 

Review – Walled In

This is two thirds of a really good horror movie. A young demolition engineer’s first assignment is to plan the destruction of a strange-looking apartment building designed by a mad genius. In act one she meets the peculiar tenants who will be evicted before the place comes down, particularly a creepy-or-merely-misunderstood teenage boy (played by Danny Huston, who as a younger kid starred in Birth). In act two the protagonist discovers some of the evil secrets behind the building, including a deadly history and secret passages and rooms behind the walls. Everything works just fine up until an hour in. The production values are good. The acting is acceptable. The script wanders a bit, but it’s still a solid two and maybe even a three-star picture. But then it turns into a low-key Saw reheat. What a shame. If you stop watching when the dog gets killed (or just before, if you can guess the right moment), you’ll come away with a better feeling about the experience. Rest assured, you won’t be missing anything that’s actually worth seeing. See if desperate

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Review – The Son of Kong

I can see why they thought this would work. The big ape turned out to be sympathetic at the end of the original, so why not make his kid a good “guy” from the get-go? Well, for starters he doesn’t even appear until more than halfway through. I assume that Willis O’Brien’s animation was too expensive to use for the whole picture, so they filled the first 40 minutes with irrelevant nonsense. Even after the cool animation gets started, the picture still sucks. It’s an unending bummer. Kong Jr. fights a cave bear that looks like a teddy grown to mammoth proportions. And the end is even more maudlin than pappy’s demise. I was also put off by wondering if they gave the monster white fur to distinguish him from his father or to make white audiences more comfortable with him. See if desperate

Review – Something Beneath

There’s probably a good slam in the title, but it’s been a long week and I’m having trouble coming up with anything. So suffice it to say that if you want a movie about black ooze attacking hotel guests and turning them psycho with hallucinations, then you get what you pay for. Oh, and you get Kevin Sorbo playing a priest as an extra, added bonus. See if desperate

Review – Book of Blood

If the end had been cropped off, the rest of the movie condensed down into around ten minutes, and then followed with decent productions based on three or four of Clive Barker’s short stories, two effects would have been achieved. First, the structure would have more closely mirrored Barker’s Books of Blood collections, particularly the brief introductory tale that gets blown up to an hour and a half here. And second, it wouldn’t have sucked anywhere near as bad as it did. This tale of ghosts who write their tales on the skin of a hapless man is solid horror, but all the filler, cheap shocks and red herrings ruin a picture that in more competent hands might have had some potential. See if desperate

Review – Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers

In my review of Stanley Kubrick’s version of this tale I’ve already expressed bewilderment that King would go to all the trouble to have an outstanding movie remade. I re-express that bewilderment here. It’s not that this is a bad movie. Indeed, in the world of the prolonged, made-for-TV miniseries this is actually one of the better denizens. The script is better than the original. And few would argue against the assertion that Rebecca DeMornay has a bit more “screen presence” than Shelly Duvall. That notwithstanding, there’s a lot of surplus junk in the story this time around. I know that’s necessary for the intended format, but even so a lot of the script is repetitive or otherwise unneeded. The characters are more developed, but at the same time the treatment of the Torrance family (especially Jack) is sentimental to the point of seeming saccharine at points. And it goes without saying that the small screen version is nowhere near as visually impressive as the Maestro di Color’s production. Mildly amusing

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Review – The Sandman

Exit Sandman. Denizens of a trailer park are being bumped off by a Grim Reapster with glowing red eyes who Freddies them while they sleep. The script is terrible, the acting amateurish and the production values nearly nonexistent. The monster itself looks like it came from the sale aisle at Party Warehouse on the day after Halloween. Nothing kills a monster movie faster than a bad monster. See if desperate

Review – Guardians

It’s the anti-demon commandos versus the computer game demons in this mid-budget horror flop. If not for the brief boob shots, I’d suspect that this had been designed to be the pilot for a new series on Syfy. If so, let’s hope it never gets picked up. Pictures like this live in the limbo between good enough to be good and bad enough to be amusing. See if desperate

Review – The Dunwich Horror (2009)

I liked this picture more than I should have at least in part because I expected it to be a great deal worse than it was. The biggest names in the cast are Dean Stockwell (star of the first, dreadful screen adaptation of Lovecraft’s classic tale) and Jeffrey Combs (From Beyond and The ReAnimator). So I figured this for another Stuart Gordon sack of rubber monsters and pointless boob shots. Thus I was pleasantly surprised when the film-makers made a respectable attempt at a good movie. To be sure, it deviates substantially from the source story. But at least it’s in the same ballpark. Mildly amusing

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Review – From Dusk Til Dawn

If the whole movie had been as cool as the last 20 seconds, this would have been a four star picture. As it was, the first 40 minutes could have been cut completely and the thing would have been vastly improved. Two bank robbers on the lam (George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino) kidnap a family (Harvey Keitel, Juliette Lewis and some kid I didn’t recognize) and drag them off to a strip club in the middle of nowhere. The picture actually turns into something when they discover that the club is full of vampires. From there on out it’s a witless gorefest, but it manages an amusing moment or two. See if desperate

Review – Graveyard of Horror

I’m no expert on the Spanish language, but I’m willing to bet that the Spanish terms for “horror” and “boredom” don’t sound anything alike. Thus there’s no real excuse for such an obviously mistranslated title. Actually, they should have called it “The Graveyard of Godawful Whistling,” as one of the characters monotonously chirps the same tuneless tune for what felt like the majority of the screen time. The plot is some hard-to-follow-thanks-in-part-to-all-the-whistling nonsense about a guy whose wife dies under mysterious circumstances. His search for the truth leads him to a cemetery inhabited by a pair of nuts in cheap masks and a flesh-eating monster. They should have buried this picture upside down so it would have a harder time digging its way out. Wish I’d skipped it

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Review – Black Moon

This movie actually contains the delivered-in-all-seriousness line, “The natives are restless.” And that’s typical of the racial sensitivity – or lack of same – displayed throughout the picture. A white woman can’t wait to return to the Caribbean island where she grew up because she misses participating in voodoo ceremonies with the aforementioned restless natives. This puts her at odds with her wealthy husband and plantation-owning uncle, especially after her return to her voodoo ways places her daughter in jeopardy. “Once you go black you never go back” sexuality lurks just below the surface of the drama, though of course in the 1930s it couldn’t be an overt plot element. Fortunately for jilted hubby, his secretary (Fay Wray) is waiting in the wings to be a good wife to him and a good mother to his daughter as soon as wife gets her eventual come-uppance. Sheesh. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The House that Screamed

After sitting through this stinker, I know how the house feels. If you hit David Lynch in the head with a brick until you reduced his IQ to the level of dryer lint and then forced him at gunpoint to remake 1408, you’d end up with something like this. What little plot there is has something to do with a writer who deliberately rents a haunted house. But the real raison d’etre here is more likely to be sentiments such as “dude, this movie would be wicked kewl if it had a lot of shots of a severed arm nailed to a wall.” This looks like somebody’s undergraduate video production final project, and probably not the class high score. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Novocaine

Will someone please tell Steve Martin that we take him seriously? Even if it’s a lie, at least we stand a chance of talking him out of making any more movies like this. The awkward blend of serious stuff and goofy shtick is especially nettlesome in this picture, because it interferes with the audience’s ability to tell the difference between something that’s intended to be a murder mystery clue and something that’s intended to be a dumb joke. Martin plays a dentist who gets wrapped up in a string of misadventures after he cheats on his girlfriend (Laura Dern) with a quirky woman (Helena Bonham Carter) who’s stealing drugs from him. On top of the Martin problem, this is also one of those annoying pictures in which the protagonist can put an end to his woes at almost any point in the drama by simply telling the truth. On the other hand, the weird X-ray footage was cool. See if desperate

Review – Frankenstein (2004)

Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Parker Posey in anything that wasn’t a screwball comedy, art flick or screwball art flick. In this USA Network / Lion’s Gate production she plays a homicide detective on the trail of an organ-harvesting serial killer. The whole thing reeks of two highly non-Frankenstein elements. First, a lot of it has a vampire-esque obsession with eternal life and eternal beauty. The Monster in particular looks like a goth reheat of a Christ from a Vermeer (or at least a Van Meegeren). A couple of minor facial scars don’t exactly turn him into a reanimated corpse. And his equally ageless creator looks like he’d be much more at home in a vampire movie than in this hybrid plot. Second, the twists of the story – especially toward the end – strongly suggest that what we’re looking at is a pilot for a possible USA series. Thank goodness there isn’t enough lightning in the world to revive something this moribund. See if desperate

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Review – Mighty Aphrodite

When I started watching this movie I was in no mood for a comedy. Further, Annie Hall notwithstanding, I generally don’t get more than a mild chuckle out of Woody Allen under the best of circumstances. So when he busted out the Greek chorus doing Allen’s usual shtick, my first reaction was “aw, c’mon.” Oddly enough, the gimmick grew on me. Likewise the plot should have been off-putting. Allen plays the usual New York nerd, this time on a quest to find the mother of his extremely bright, adopted son. When he discovers that she’s a beautiful but dim-witted prostitute, high jinks ensue. I should have hated it. But there’s something sorta charming about the whole thing, particularly Mira Sorvino’s performance as the female lead. She should have won awards just for spending an hour talking in that ridiculous Betty Boop voice. Though I suspect Woody Allen “purists” won’t regard this as his finest moment, I got a smile or two out of it. Mildly amusing

Review – Jack-O

This would have been scarier if it had been about Michael Jackson (is it too soon after the King of Pop’s death to make that joke? Oh well). Instead the monster is a pumpkin-headed demon roaming the suburbs in search of the descendants of the people who sent it to hell years ago. I watched one of the cheapest pieces of horror crap I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something) right before I watched this, and by comparison this one looked like a big-budget Hollywood epic. At least they had enough money to pay for John Carradine while he could still sit upright and Linnea Quigley while she could still pull off an unnecessary nude scene. Too bad they didn’t save a little cash for a script. See if desperate

Monday, October 12, 2009

Review – On the Waterfront

Shame on Robert Osborn and the perpetually-witless Richard Lewis for doing the TCM introduction to this picture without saying a single word about director Elia Kazan’s HUAC-connected motives for making it. Marlon Brando turns in a touching performance as a palooka wrestling with his complicity in the nefarious activities of a longshoremen’s union. Naturally he seems noble standing up to the corrupt system. But the specters of the lives ruined by McCarthyism hangs over the whole thesis. Brando’s good, but so were several cast members from Gone with the Wind. See if desperate

Review – Ghost Voyage

Not for the first time I find myself wondering why something that’s nothing but a Twilight Zone episode should have to last more than 25 minutes. A group of unrelated strangers find themselves isolated on a ship in the middle of nowhere. They have to band together and figure out why they ended up there, what they need to do next, and what the mysterious steward character wants from them. In other words, this is Lost only shorter and on a boat rather than an island. Mildly amusing

Hey, babies! How’s it hangin’?

 


Review – Guilty by Suspicion

Though I’m not giving this an absolute-top-of-the-scale rating, nonetheless I see some merit in keeping a copy of this around. Anytime I start watching some old movie extolling the virtues of the FBI during the Hoover years or get engrossed in a James Ellroy novel glamorizing “the life,” I could use a picture like this to bring me back to reality. Robert DeNiro heads a cast of talented actors no doubt drawn by the chance to make a solid picture about a dark time in the history of the movie business: the Hollywood blacklist. It gets a little soapy in spots, but overall it’s a well-made reminder of the dangers of letting people like McCarthy take over the country. Worth seeing

Review – Children of the Corn (2009)

This picture and the original could be used as a case study of the disintegration of the slasher movie from the 1980s to today. The protagonists in the original were mildly annoying, but they were nothing compared to the nails-on-a-chalkboard duo who heads this show. After five minutes of listening to them bicker with one another, I couldn’t wait for the creepy cult kids to chop them up. This is also the least supernatural of any of the pictures in the series (at least the ones I’ve seen so far). Some of the extra cult back-story was fun, but otherwise this was an unnecessary reheat of leftovers that went bad in the fridge years ago. See if desperate

Review – Children of the Corn: Revelation

At this late point in the series they should rename it “Children of the Snores.” Years ago a revival tent full of Corn Children went up in flames. One kid survived, and now as an old lady she lives in a seedy apartment building constructed on the site of the massacre. Or maybe “lived” would be the proper verb tense. When her granddaughter shows up to find out what happened to her, dullness ensues. Honestly, the creepiest thing in the whole picture is the scene where two of the cult kids play a FPS video game. See if desperate

Review – Children of the Corn

This one wasn’t quite as terrible as I remembered it being. Of course I’d already watched several of the sequels before re-watching this original, and when compared to some of its “children” this thing seems like Shakespeare. Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton play a mildly annoying couple who find themselves stranded in a town taken over by adult-murdering, religious fanatic children. The Stephen King short story upon which this tale is based wasn’t exactly the author’s finest moment, nor is this the best movie ever produced from his work. Still, Isaac the cult leader and Malachi the cult enforcer are both delightfully creepy. Together they’re almost enough to make up for the uneven script and cheap, 80s effects. Mildly amusing

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Review – The Blue Lagoon

Imagine growing up on an isolated island with no adults or social norms to help you make sense of things like sex. The premise has potential. Unfortunately the folks behind the cameras seem as naïve about movie-making as the two protagonists are about lovemaking. Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins get the bulk of the screen time, as one might suspect from their marooned status. Likewise the cinematography is predictably pretty. The script, on the other hand, is laughably dumb, like some horrible Harlequin romance version of Lord of the Flies. See if desperate

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Review – Monsters vs. Aliens

Dreamworks animations tend to be hit and miss with me, and this one was something of a miss. The technical quality was fine. The voice casting was fine. The story was fine. It just never got to the “hey, this is good” point. A woman gets hit by a meteor on her wedding day, and the plotdevicium in the rock causes her to grow to immense size. She’s immediately whisked off to a secret government facility for monsters. There she and the other strange creatures languish until they’re needed to fight an attack on the Earth by a giant robot from outer space. The gender politics waver between “good point” and “okay, now you’re pushing it too hard.” Otherwise this is a parade of animation showboating, a handful of funny physical comedy, and not a lot else. Mildly amusing

Review – The Unborn

This picture packs some genuinely chilling visual tricks. Unfortunately they’re largely squandered on a production that’s otherwise weak. A college student suddenly finds herself haunted by an evil child spirit named Jumby. Now, what have we learned in the past about giving our demons ridiculous names? This is simply too close to the genie in the box from Pee-wee’s Playhouse to work as a monster moniker. Further, the evil traces back to an experience the protagonist’s grandmother had at Auschwitz, which yet again raises questions about the appropriateness of mixing real atrocities with fictional horrors. And poor Gary Oldman must have lost a bet or something. Though this had a good moment or two, a handful of solid creeps don’t justify 90 minutes of boredom. Mildly amusing

Review – The Curse of King Tut's Tomb

This must be the longest Syfy movie ever. Though it’s as long as a mini-series, it doesn’t have enough plot for a tenth of the four-hour running time. The cast of tomb-robbers is led by an Indiana Jones rip-off (Casper Van Dien), but most of the plot is pilfered from The Mummy with touches thrown in from conspiracy-centered action pictures such as Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. In order to sustain the production’s brutal length, everything takes double or triple the amount of time it reasonably has to. Otherwise, however, this is the usual blend of dreadful dialogue and shoddy effects. See if desperate

Friday, October 9, 2009

Review – The Private Files of J. Edgar Hoover

This docudrama biography of the legendary FBI chief is nothing short of weird. Of course part of what threw me off was the Netflix description, which made it sound like the movie would feature at least some exploration of the subject’s cross-dressing tendencies. However, a quick check of the original release date (1977) quickly reveals that this was actually made decades before some of the racier details of Hoover’s private life became public knowledge. Instead, what we get is a picture that’s unlikely to satisfy many audience members. Hoover fans will dislike the scenes in which the man actually tries to protect suspects’ Constitutional rights, not to mention the allusions to his sexual orientation. Detractors are likely to feel that he gets off too easy, with insufficient emphasis placed on the lives he ruined and the roles he played in some of the creepier government shenanigans of the 50s, 60s and early 70s. Even viewers who just like a good story will probably find this choppy and hard to follow, more like pages chosen at random from a diary than like an actual plot. Despite its orphan status, however, it’s an interesting production. Mildly amusing

Review – Trick 'r Treat

This horror-comic-themed anthology piece would actually have been a worthier follow-up to Creepshow than either of the actual Creepshow sequels. Indeed, it has a thing or two going for it that the Romero classic doesn’t. For example, I got a kick out of the complex interconnectedness of the stories, even though they had to do some “earlier that night” back-tracking to pull it off. And I found the “vengeful spirits of kids who drowned in a school bus ‘accident’” plot genuinely chilling in parts. However, the “opening vignette,” “Little Red Riding Hood,” “child poisoner” and “Pumpkinhead Jr.” story lines were a little less impressive. Overall this wasn’t bad as an October treat. Mildly amusing

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Review – Enter the Ninja

Exit the brain cells. The title is no doubt meant to evoke the memory of Bruce Lee’s most famous picture, but the first two words of the title are the closest the two movies come to resembling each other. The plot is the usual, trite nonsense about a ninja-trained American who comes to the defense of a friend being hassled by a wealthy jerk who wants his land. The real stand-out element, however, is Menachem Golan himself in the director’s chair. This thing is so badly mishandled that the fight sequences – the bread and butter of flicks like this – begin to resemble comedy routines. Even the soundtrack is dreadful, sounding like the music for bad superhero cartoons from the early 70s. Normally I’d be willing to dish out a couple of points just because movies this bad usually have a certain charm (or at least a good kata or two). But for some unexplained reason they throw in cockfighting sequences on top of everything else. Honestly, there’s more cockfighting in this than there is in movies about cockfighting. See if desperate

Review – The Conversation

This odd little movie from Francis Ford Coppola doesn’t often get the attention it deserves. To be sure, it’s not “easy viewing” like The Godfather. But in many ways it’s a better, more thought-provoking film. Gene Hackman plays an audio surveillance expert hired to record a conversation between a wealthy man’s wife and her lover. When the straightforward job starts developing strange complications, he becomes more and more convinced that his client intends to kill his unfaithful wife and her boyfriend. Hackman underplays the role almost to a fault, his deadness sometimes making the character hard to sympathize with (though still much better than the histrionics some other actors would no doubt have brought to the part). The story is slow, and it springs a leak or two in places. For example, why would a character like this ever accept a pen as a free gift from a rival bug-maker? Weaknesses aside, however, Coppola does a masterful job of lighting the “paranoid menace” burner and then ever so slowly turning up the heat. Worth seeing

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Review – White Zombie

It’s hard to say how much of this movie has been undone by the passage of time. For openers, the title suggests a level of racism that’s less prevalent in the picture than one might expect. Indeed, just about all the zombies in the whole picture are white, which is odd considering that most of them are being forced to work on a Haitian plantation. The main story is about a pair of young newlyweds whose happiness is disrupted by a jealous rival who hires the local witch doctor (Bela Lugosi) to zombify the new bride and turn her over to him. Dissatisfied with the affectionless automaton, he swiftly desires to have her turned back to a real woman. However, the bokor blanc refuses, knowing full well that if she comes back to her senses that she’ll blow the whistle on the whole racket. Though the production suffers from many of the “growing pains” of early 30s moviemaking, it’s still a fun way to kill 70 minutes or so. Mildly amusing

Monday, October 5, 2009

Review – The Unquiet

For a ghost story, this one comes up short in the ghost department. The first half of the production pits a group of professional skeptics up against a ghost-hunting video crew – with estranged spouses heading the rival teams – stalking around an abandoned prison. The is-it-really-haunted thing goes nowhere, particularly because the audience assumes correctly that it’s a foregone conclusion and the mystery is little more than a delaying tactic. On the other hand, after the haints finally bust loose the production doesn’t improve much. The effects are terrible, which at least was consistent with the script and the acting. See if desperate

Review – The Beast with Five Fingers

Peter Lorre stars in this mystery/horror picture from Hollywood’s “golden age.” A wealthy, cranky, one-handed pianist dies, and the relatives and heirs start squabbling about the estate. Then the ol’ guy’s disembodied hand wades into the fray, dispatching those who stand in the way of the proper execution of his will. Or is something else actually to blame for the crimes? Only the end of the movie will tell. The production features some good severed hand effects (as well as some that aren’t so good). Mildly amusing

Review – Juggernaut

This is nearly two solid hours of cut-the-red-wire-or-the-blue-wire. A terrorist places seven bombs aboard a passenger liner, demanding the sum of £500,000 (which must have seemed like more money in 1974 than it does now) in exchange for not blowing the ship to bits. As military experts struggle to defuse the bombs, authorities back on land search for the culprit. This is one of those movies with a ton of famous and semi-famous actors, with even supporting roles played by familiar faces. Other than the “hey, isn’t that what’s-his-name?” factor, however, this is just a mediocre pot-boiler. Mildly amusing

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Review – Grey Gardens (2009)

Well, at least it’s slightly less depressing than the Maysles Brothers’ original documentary. Jessica Lange plays Big Edie and Drew Barrymore plays Little Edie, both turning in fine performances as the Beales. It must have been quite a challenge to try to play women most audience members know from the documentary, and they pull it off reasonably well. The docudrama also includes a fair amount of back-story for both women, helping us understand how they came to be the way they were. Though not as powerful as the Maysles’ movie, it does at least have a few more happy moments. Mildly amusing

Friday, October 2, 2009

Review – April Fool's Day (2008)

Video game designers should study movies like this. I mean, imagine a shooter in which you hate your own character as much as you hate the monsters that are attacking you. Then watching yourself die would be as much fun as killing the bad guys. Or maybe, if it’s anything like this movie, you’d just end up hating the whole thing. Six wealthy, obnoxious 20-somethings accidentally cause the death of one of their “friends,” and a year later the “ghost” comes back for revenge. Honestly, if you’ve seen more than a handful of pictures like this you can write a script that matches this one point for point in less time than it takes to actually watch it. Indeed, I managed to guess not only the final twist but also the corpse-to-be batting order without missing a call. The edited-for-TV version is better still. At one point one of the characters actually says “Oh fudge.” She got electrocuted a minute or two later, so at least she got spared Ralphie’s mom’s bar of soap. See if desperate

Review – Witchboard

I think my favorite scene in this picture is when the protagonist smokes a cigarette in a hospital waiting room. Ah, the 80s seem so far away now. Oh, and speaking of the 80s, the main attraction here is the presence of Whitesnake video vixen Tawny Kitaen. Otherwise it’s a lot of typical silliness about a woman who conjures up an evil spirit via a Ouija board. Mildly amusing

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Review – Twilight of Honor

Richard Chamberlain made his move onto the big screen just as Claude Rains was making his way off, their careers briefly intersecting in this mediocre courtroom drama. Chamberlain plays a talented young lawyer who gets appointed by a judge to defend an undefendable client. The poor sap on trial has been accused of killing a popular, respected member of the law enforcement community, and everyone in the world – including the defendant’s wife – is set to testify against him. However, with the help of a wise old attorney (Rains), our hero manages to find the flaws in all the testimony and give his client the best defense possible. Any serious fan of legal shenanigans will find herself swiftly distracted by gaps in procedure and evidence rules big enough to drive a truck through. On the other hand, audiences who aren’t into the whole courtroom drama thing will find nothing else to commend this picture other than one of the most awkward office romances ever committed to film. Overall I suppose I’ve seen worse specimens of the sub-genre, but it generally deserves the obscurity in which it dwells. Mildly amusing