Review – The Birds

Though I suppose Psycho is Hitchcock’s most widely appreciated film, I’d like to put in a good word for this one as well. Sure, it’s a little uneven; the first half of the film concentrates on a lot of superfluous character development at the expense of the plot. But once birds everywhere turn on the human race and attack, the action takes off and it’s pretty good from that point forward. The movie features a couple of notable technical points, including the famous jungle gym sequence and the complete absence of added music on the soundtrack. So if you’re in the mood for an odd angle on the whole end-of-the-world thing, you should find this one a rewarding experience. Worth seeing

Review – Pecker

John Waters serves us up a semi-autobiographical account of a young man who photographs his white trash world in Baltimore and ends up becoming the darling of the New York art scene. Now obviously this isn’t exactly the Waters saga; for openers, the protagonist is heterosexual. But longtime fans won’t be disappointed by this most recent parade of oddballs, pure Waters though toned down a bit since the days of Pink Flamingos, Desperate Living and the like. In fact, it’s almost odd to hear Hollywood types like Edward Furlong, Christina Ricci and Mary Kay Place deliver that distinctive Waters dialogue that used to issue forth from the likes of Divine and David Lochary. Of course longtime troupe members Mink Stole and Channing Wilroy play small parts, but otherwise the torch appears to have passed to a new, better-paid generation. Furthermore, Waters seems to be mellowing in his old age; the plot here is a lot more upbeat and sentimental than his earlier work. But he hasn’t lost his affection for offbeat characters and the occasional gross-out. Worth seeing

Review – Good Burger

Bad movie. I suppose it goes without saying that I’m a little outside the demographics for a film produced by Nickelodeon. And I also suppose that if you were about ten years old you might get a real kick out of a lot of the jokes here. Heck, even I found some of it sort of funny. But for the most part this wee tale of competing burger joints and the dimwit who rescues his employer from the maw of a big corporation is the very definition of juvenile humor. And to top it all off, you’re likely to walk away with the oft-repeated phrase “Welcome to Good Burger home of the Good Burger can I take your order” stuck in your head. See if desperate

Review – The Name of the Rose

The opening credits identify this film as a “palimpsest” of the novel by Umberto Eco. Oh, please! Must everything Eco touches turn to pseudo-intellectual pretension? And could he possibly find a way (therapy, perhaps) to get over whatever problem he has with women? All that aside, this is an interesting and entertaining movie, a fairly unique blend of medieval philosophy and murder mystery. It’s a little long, but it’s clever enough to keep moving, bogging down only occasionally (like in the protracted sex scene). Animal violence-wise, it’s a little hard on the pigs. But other than that, it’s an enjoyable experience. Worth seeing

Review – White Christmas

This is one of the all-time champion examples of Christmas schmaltz. In fact, the only real competition in the schmaltzy holiday musical realm is another Irving Berlin masterpiece, Holiday Inn. Of course, the older film is in black and white rather than glorious Technicolor. If it wasn’t such a holiday standby, I suppose I’d regard it as little more than a second-rate musical. But if you’re in the mood for some festive December corn, this is one of Hollywood’s finest examples. Mildly amusing

Review – Scrooged

This film features two things that I normally don’t care for: Bill Murray and Christmas schmaltz. Oddly enough, however, both work in this 80s-ized retelling of Dickens’ holiday classic. Murray does his usual shtick, but here it’s less annoying and more a welcome respite from the traditional crotchety “bah humbug” portrayal of the protagonist. If you must do the whole seasonal movie thing, this one mixes enough sarcasm and physical comedy in with the sappiness to keep it from turning into yet another Christmas cliché. It also features a solid script, good music and a host of late 80s celebrity cameos. Worth seeing

Review – Holiday Inn

One of the classics of Hollywood holiday cinema, this movie is famous for giving us “White Christmas.” Of course, it also gave us the racist spectacle of “Abraham,” the black-face tribute to Lincoln’s Birthday (which I note has “disappeared” from the version of this movie cablecast during the holidays). Highs and lows aside, for the most part this is your standard, run-of-the-mill Bing Crosby / Fred Astaire picture, a lot of Irving Berlin numbers loosely woven together with something that vaguely passes for a plot. In other words, if you like musicals from the 40s you’ll probably like this one. Mildly amusing

Review – Miracle on 34th Street

Unless I missed something somewhere, this famous holiday tale enjoys the distinction of being the only Christmas film with a lawyer for a hero. That implausibility aside, this is a charming story about a Macy’s department store Santa turns out to be the real thing. Naturally the powers that be seek to have him locked up in an asylum, hence the lawyer crusading valiantly to prove that he actually is Santa Claus. The mix of cynical politics and hokey sentiment in the court scenes is an amazing bit of counterpoint from Hollywood in general and Christmas movies in particular. Not to mention cute little Natalie Wood as the cynical tyke who learns to have faith in the holiday spirit. Worth seeing

Review – Billy’s Hollywood Screen Kiss

I rented this movie sort of by accident, because somebody put the cassette behind one of the boxes for Burn Hollywood Burn at the video store. I usually take such events as viewing tips from the Fates, so I sat through it anyway. The Fates must have been in a cranky mood that night. This is an extremely self-indulgent film about the ins and outs of gay romance in Los Angeles. I’m sure the world needed this film for some reason, but that reason isn’t immediately apparent to me. On the other hand, it was better than Burn Hollywood Burn turned out to be. See if desperate

Review – Jingle All the Way

What appears to be a kid-oriented Christmas movie concept turns out to be a screwball comedy aimed more at dads with a lot of pent-up insecurity about their abilities as husbands, fathers, providers and so on. I’d be a little surprised to learn that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the first guy they had in mind for the lead, but he plays the part with his usual aplomb for slapstick. About the best thing I can say for this is that it isn’t quite as sappy as the usual holiday fare, but even that gets blown in the end when the film turns into a message piece about the value of family bonds over commercialism. See if desperate

Review – Carrie

This one’s famous for several reasons, including an early appearance by Sissy Spacek in the title role, a bit part played by John Travolta, the source novel (Stephen King’s first), and a rare bit of sympathy for female characters, especially by horror movie standards. The scene in which mousy Carrie White takes her telekinetic revenge on her cruel classmates at the prom is a legendary moment in genre history. Though teenage outcasts will probably derive the most pleasure from this outing, anyone who remembers just how bad high school could be and just how nice it would have been to have psychic powers when the going got rough should be able to enjoy this movie at least a little. Worth seeing

Review – War of the Gargantuas

Few movies cited in the Medved brothers’ Golden Turkey books so richly deserved multiple mentions in the chronicles of the truly dreadful. Imagine a Godzilla movie with no Godzilla in it, and you’ve got the general idea here. Apparently Gargantuas are men in moss-strewn wet suits who enjoy stomping on miniatures. This outing is missable except as a historical curiosity, offering up one of the worst lounge singer numbers ever preserved on celluloid and providing evidence of just how rapidly Russ Tamblyn’s career went downhill after West Side Story. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear

Priscilla Presley and Robert Goulet romantically paired (however briefly)? Somewhere in the Hereafter, Elvis must have gone through an awful lot of TV sets over this one. Actually, maybe they could have filmed the King blasting his big screens rather than wasting celluloid on this poor attempt to revive the bygone glory of the Airplane! days. Aside from the rare occasions where the jokes do work (and even then to a very limited extent), the high points of this historical relic are the long strings of physical comedy that are made funny only by the fact that O.J. Simpson (pre-homicidal-rampage) happens to be the victim. See if desperate

Review – King Kong (1976)

“When the big monkey die, everybody cry.” Thanks, Dino. This film is terrible on so many different levels, from a multitude of continuity slips right on up to the dreadful script, dreadful acting and dreadful direction. And if you could write a book about the sexual themes in Lady and the Tramp, you could write a whole encyclopedia about the sick sexual overtones here. If this movie is worth seeing at all, it’s merely as a historical artifact, or perhaps an integral part of any Jessica Lange film festival (hey, it keeps her humble). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – King Kong

Though rife with racism and sexism and more than a little rough around the edges, this film remains one of the all-time classic monster movies and a seminal piece of special effects pioneering. I was a wee tyke the first time I saw this, still young enough to be taken in by the effects (not to mention unable to read “Eighth Wonder of the World” for myself and thinking that it was “Ape Wonder”). Even though Willis O’Brien’s animation work is jerky, almost amateurish, by today’s standards, he still manages to get more drama and feeling out of his miniatures than de Laurentiis got from the millions he spent on his remake. Worth seeing

Review – Carnival of Souls (1998)

I’m not sure what it was about the original cult favorite that required or even invited a remake. And to the extent that a remake was needed at all, I’m not at all convinced that this particular film was what anyone should have had in mind. It seems to capture all the disjointed weirdness of the first one without any of the eerie sense of foreboding. Ultimately all we get is an hour and a half of constant snapping in and out of dream/hallucination sequences, each more pointless than the last. Except where it busies itself stealing shock effects (not to mention a little plot) from Jacob’s Ladder, this movie has little to offer. See if desperate

Review – Payback

“Hello, and welcome to the movies. My name is Mel Gibson, and I’ll be your server. What can I get for you folks this evening?” “Well, I think we’d like a hearty helping of violence.” “Very good. And would you like some acting with that?” “No, just violence would be fine.” “Could I tempt you with a little plot on the side?” “We’ll pass. Just bring us the violence, please. Oh, and could you throw in a cute dog? But make sure something violent happens to him.” “We’ll get your order right out.” Mildly amusing

Review – The Golden Child

This is an odd mixture of fantasy film (usually the domain of the very young and the very dorky) and slick, cynical Eddie Murphy vehicle. Odder still is that the combination actually kinda works. Murphy plays a street-wise private detective recruited by Tibetan mystics to snatch a Dalai-Lama-like child back from the gaggle of demons, mutants and criminals who kidnapped him. Some of the effects are a little amateurish, but the comedy works well with the drama and the plot keeps moving fairly well. Mildly amusing

Review – Marathon Man

This film is legendary for the psychotic “Is it safe?” dentistry scenes. Other than the big gross-out, however, this is a not-half-bad political thriller about a hapless grad student involved by his brother in an international conspiracy of Nazi war criminals, shadowy government agencies and diamond smugglers. The impact of the brutal violence tends to outweigh the occasionally thin plot, but overall this isn’t a bad example of the seventies-era thriller. Worth seeing

Review – The Evil Dead

Here we have one of the legendary classics of low-budget horror. The acting is terrible, and the effects not much better. The misogyny gets a little hard to take as well (particularly the scene in which one of the female characters is graphically raped by plants). And to be honest, once the film passes the halfway point the whole mess disintegrates into a brain-dead gore-fest. But even so, the set-up isn’t too bad, almost Lovecraftian at points. And though a lot of the gore is cliché stuff, every once in awhile director Sam Raimi will throw in something just innovative enough to be genuinely creepy, sometimes even downright scary. If nothing else, this picture should be regarded as a memento of a bygone age when independent film-makers were still able to turn out horror movies on par with the big-budget Hollywood stuff. Worth seeing

Review – The King and I

This classic musical features the role that came to be Yul Brynner’s trademark. Sure it’s trite, dated, sexist, and way too sentimental. But if you’re in the mood for something in the heartwarming neighborhood, you could do a lot worse. The “Getting to Know You” sequence may produce unpleasant flashbacks to grade school music classes, but the rest of the big production numbers are fine examples of the Hollywood musical genre in its Technicolor heyday. Worth seeing

Review – Rounders

I must admit at the outset that the allure of movies about poker players eludes me entirely. Thus it should come as no surprise that I found this grim, pseudo-noir tale of a former card shark trying to make good by going to law school but ultimately being drawn back into the game by his ne’er-do-well friend more or less completely charmless. Actually, it should come as at least a small surprise; I have no affection for Matt Damon at all, but I’ve liked John Malkovich and Edward Norton in other films. Not in this one, however. See if desperate

Review – Rosemary’s Baby

This is one of the oddest combinations ever to produce an effective horror movie. Start with Ira Levin’s novel about poor, clueless Rosemary Woodhouse, duped by her simpering husband and the coven of old folks next door into bearing Satan’s baby. Cast Mia Farrow as Rosemary, and add the normally quaint and charming Ruth Gordon as one of the witches. Let outré Eastern European director Roman Polanski apply his own unique visual touches. Then to top it all off, let William Castle – who has a brief cameo outside a phone booth – produce. Maybe Percepto (first introduced by Castle’s The Tingler) would have been the perfect additional touch to the famous Farrow/Devil rape sequence. Seriously though, the film is a little dated, but it nonetheless retains much of its power to chill, particularly if watched in the right conditions (late at night, lights off and all those clichés). Mildly amusing

Review – Tora! Tora! Tora!

This film probably wins the prize for the most realistic war movie Hollywood ever made, if for no other reason than the fact that the Japanese characters actually speak Japanese. Taken as a whole, this appears to be a fairly even-handed portrayal of the events leading up to the attack on Pearl Harbor. The cast includes a galaxy of character actors, but the real star of the show has to be the protracted recreation of the attack itself. Though a little light on plot and character development, World War Two buffs should enjoy this one immensely. Mildly amusing

Review – Kindergarten Cop

Arnold does light comedy, with kids no less. Of course there’s plenty of action, too. Unlike the usual rule of thumb with Schwarzenegger movies, however, most of the amusement value in this flick comes in the stretches between gun battles and chase sequences. Despite the obvious contrivance of it all, there really is something endearing about watching Der Ubermann struggle with a pack of six-year-olds. Especially popular among real teachers: the scene where Arnold beats up an abusive father. Mildly amusing

Review – Major League 3: Back to the Minors

Minors, indeed. This third picture in the Major League series is loosely connected to the first two inasmuch as they’re all about baseball. Oh, and a couple of the characters from the original (and one from the first sequel) return for roles that don’t amount to much more than cameos. Otherwise this is a tiresome little piece about a minor league manager (who starts the movie as a pitcher who throws with his foot at least a yard in front of the rubber) in a rivalry with the manager of the Twins over whose team is the least dreadful. With wit and affection for the game replaced by silliness and sappiness, even die-hard baseball fans will have trouble taking this one. See if desperate

Review – Major League

This is a bit of a rarity in the genre of the baseball film: a movie with a sarcastic sense of humor, a flick that doesn’t spend a lot of time wallowing in cheap sentiment. I suppose it might have been improved somewhat if the romance between struggling old-timer Tom Berenger and love interest Rene Russo had been omitted. That aside, however, you get more than enough funny stuff to make this a rewarding experience, especially for baseball fans. Worth seeing

Review – The Day After

Normally I don’t review made-for-TV movies, but I’ll make an exception for anything that shows Kansas City being destroyed by a nuclear attack (furthermore, it was on HBO, so at least there weren’t any commercial interruptions). In our post-détente world, the preachy anti-nuke sentiment we get here seems almost quaint, though it does on occasion get a little too thick for comfort. This remains a somewhat interesting drama about human reaction to the destruction of society, even if the given means of destruction seems less plausible now than it did when this film was first televised back in the mid-80s. Mildly amusing

Review – Magnum Force

Capitalizing on the popularity of the ultra-violent Dirty Harry, this first sequel once again gives us Clint Eastwood as Inspector Harry Calahan, still shooting his way through one problem after another. In many ways this is pure formula, the street-wise cop with his own brand of justice trying to ... well, you get the picture. Here the additional twist is that prominent members of the underworld are being assassinated by rogue members of San Francisco’s finest. The result is a fine tightrope balance between law with a certain lack of respect for due process, a la Eastwood, and outright vigilante justice. Some elements are somewhat dated (particularly costumes and soundtrack), but as a whole the brutal drama holds up pretty well. Mildly amusing

Review – The Thirteenth Floor

The tag line in the ads for this barker was “Question Reality,” so right away we’re off to a bad start. Unfortunately the movie itself lives up to the promo, giving us yet another tedious tour of multiple, elaborate, computer-generated realities. Honestly folks, Phillip K. Dick came through here with this act back in the ’70s (though of course back then the culprits were drugs and plain old fashioned paranoia rather than computers). Terry Gilliam lampooned this nonsense in Brazil back in the ’80s. Aren’t we past the point in film history when Hollywood is willing to green-light anything with the word “cyber” in the treatment? Apparently not. This is also one of those films that relies on its ability to stay one step ahead of the audience to keep from being dull, a task at which it fails miserably. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Southern Comfort

Any film that features a bunch of city boys running afoul of back-woods misfits is inevitably going to invite comparisons to Deliverance. But this one isn’t quite as vicious (or at the very least not quite so sexually graphic), and it’s a little easier to understand that motivations of the Cajun antagonists. After all, the group of Louisiana National Guardsmen (who we’re supposed to be rooting for) stole their boats and then blew up one of their shacks. The disintegration of the unit due to external duress and internal strife is ultimately more macho than clever, and things start to really get convoluted in the end.  See if desperate

Review – The Godfather Part 2

In my opinion, this is the best of the three, slightly edging out the first one. But that’s probably just a personal preference, inasmuch as I like the big-time conspiracy stuff (particularly touches like the subtle allusions to the Kennedy assassination) better than the hoodlum-intensive action of the original. I also like the see-sawing back and forth between the 1950s travails of Michael Corleone with his disintegrating family and the early 20th century stuff showing Vito Corleone struggling up from the streets. This is one of the few films where that kind of flashback nonsense actually seems to work. The subplot with Diane Keaton and the failed marriage doesn’t work as well, mostly because by this point in the overall drama Michael is too deep into it to struggle convincingly with the forces of good and evil at war within him. Other than those relatively brief moments, however, this film is a solid piece of entertainment. Worth seeing

Review – Johnny Skidmarks

This murky little mystery starts out with an interesting premise: a crime scene photographer who moonlights doing motel room blackmail shoots discovers that his partners in crime are being knocked off one by one. But somehow it fails to live up to promise. The plot begins to meander, and the characters aren’t nearly engaging enough to make up for the lack of progress. Cap it all off with some truly dreadful corpse effects and an entirely unnecessary dead hamster, and you just don’t end up getting your money’s worth. See if desperate

Review – Mysterious Island

Sort of a sequel to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, this movie tells the tale of a group of Civil War prison camp escapees and other assorted castaways who end up on an island populated by the erstwhile Captain Nemo and various and sundry giant animals. Unless you’re a big fan of weak scripts or wooden acting, the big draw here is the vintage Ray Harryhausen special effects; who else would you go to back in 1961 when in search of giant animals for a sci-fi movie? Of course, true to form, the monsters are all cute, and most if not all of them end up dead. Still, the delightful if dated effects and the brief appearance by Herbert “Chief Inspector Dreyfus” Lom are almost enough to make the whole mess worthwhile. Mildly amusing

Review – Damn Yankees

Even by Broadway musical standards this one’s a little odd: a musical comedy about a guy who sells his soul to Satan for a chance to help the Washington Senators (first in war, first in peace, last in the American league) beat the Yankees and go to the post-season. The movie spills over with sexism, excessive choreography and plain ol’ strangeness. On the other hand, some of the songs are memorable classics, and even the peculiar moments have their unique entertainment value. It’s not exactly a baseball movie, but in the cold months during the off-season, this isn’t a bad port in a storm. Mildly amusing

Review – Mafia!

Here we have a send-up of mob movies in the finest Airplane! tradition. Unlike its airport-oriented predecessor, however, this film depends heavily on the assumption that you’ve seen the Godfather pictures and the handful of other mobster movies being lampooned. I’ve seen most if not all of them, so I got the jokes; but if you’re not a fan of the genre, a lot of this movie may go right past you. Like most of the other films in this sub-genre, it has a few moments. But it helps a lot if you watch this one after a long work week, because being too tired to think critically will help you gain a deeper appreciation of the sophomoric humor. Mildly amusing

Review – Outrageous Fortune

Shelly Long and Bette Midler play an odd couple in this combo of caper flick and road movie. The fact that our hapless protagonists happen to be women might make this somewhat novel if they weren’t chasing after a man. Some individual scenes are mildly amusing in a TV sitcom sort of way, and every once in awhile a line or two will draw some laughs. But for the most part this is too empty-headed even for an empty-headed bit of fluff. See if desperate

Review – Ever After: A Cinderella Story

I think I would have liked this film a lot more if I’d seen it in a theater. There’s just something about light-hearted, silly romances that makes them a lot easier to take when they can avail themselves of a big screen and loud speakers. But even on the small screen I guess this was okay; if you go in expecting what the title promises, you won’t go away disappointed. Drew Barrymore plays the lead in this vaguely politically-corrected version of the classic fairy tale. Cinderella takes at least part of the responsibility for her own emancipation, though still relying on Prince Charming for most of it, and the Fairy Godmother turns out to be Leonardo DaVinci. Not a bad choice if you’re in the mood for some brain candy. Mildly amusing

Review – Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace

I can’t quite seem to put my finger on it, but somehow the magic just doesn’t seem to be there. I guess it might be that this latest entry in the Star Wars series is a great deal more effects-intensive than the first three. It also lacks the star power of the originals, Liam Neeson notwithstanding. And I suppose part of the problem might be that I was a great deal more receptive to the whole sci-fi thing when I was a teenager. Still, despite the impressive technical quality of the production, the characters and plot just aren’t quite as engaging. The plot is effortful, at points seeming more like a Cliff’s Notes summary of a story rather than the story itself. There’s also a fair amount of uncomfortable racism, not only in the controversial Jar Jar Binks character but also in the Shylock-esque junk dealer and the sinister Asian demeanor of the villainous Trade Federation mandarins. All that aside, however, you get enough bang for your bucks to make this a pleasant viewing experience. Mildly amusing

Review – Big Trouble in Little China

Rare indeed is the movie that can combine this many different genres with any degree of success. But for the most part director John Carpenter actually manages to mash the Hong-Kong-style martial arts movie, the more traditional American action adventure flick, and the screwball comedy into a single film. To be sure, some parts aren’t especially effective. Sometimes the comedy gets in the way of the action, and Carpenter’s vocals on the end title theme aren’t exactly his finest moment. Overall, however, this is a thoroughly enjoyable diversion. Kurt Russell plays Jack Burton, a swaggering, obnoxious truck driver who gets caught up with no end of Chinese black magic, Tong wars and other similar doings. If you send your brain to bed early, you should find this one thoroughly amusing. True fans of the movie – and here I’m talking about folks who love it so much that they’d voluntarily sit through a Coup de Villes video or have always wondered just how Gracie Law got into the immigrant aid business – should certainly check out the collector’s edition DVD. If you like the movie, the extras are worth it. Worth seeing

Review – The Out-of-Towners

And old Neil Simon script gets a bit of a modern reheat. Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn play middle-aged parents suffering from downsizing, empty-nesting, and a variety of other wacky-situation-provoking mishaps. Our heroes from Ohio weather the usual barrage of dinner theater high jinks on their way to the usual dinner theater happy ending. So if you’re in the mood for a little dinner theater, you could do a lot worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

For anyone who’s no good at celebrity impressions, this film will give you two that you can do together. First pinch your nose shut and say “Who run Barter Town?” Then let go of your nose and, talking hoarsely from the back of your throat, reply “Master Blaster runs Barter Town.” Amuse your friends. Fun at parties. On a more serious note, I honestly don’t think this film was quite as highly rated as it maybe should have been. Sure, this what-if-the-world-ended-in-the-early-eighties-and-punk-rockers-took-over-Australia premise is more than its share of stupid. And sure, the production overall is a muddled mess, made all the worse by the fact that two different directors worked on different parts of the movie. But the plot’s at least a little more clever than the second Max movie, and the production values are a great big load better than the first one. Mildly amusing

Review – Mad Max

If asked to name an Australian film, this one would probably come most readily to most folks’ minds. It’s also the film that gave Mel Gibson his first big media exposure. Such lofty distinctions aside, this is a not-half-bad little action movie. Sure, the dialogue sounds like it was recorded in someone’s bathroom. And sure, the vast bulk of the budget probably went to pay for all the vehicles that get destroyed so that constant car wrecks can substitute for plot and character development. But it’s still not too shabby for a bit of low-budget mind candy. Of course the brutality is laid on a little thick, with all kinds of kid death and dog death and other random death piled on. But if you can get past the low quality and high violence levels, there’s some amusement value here as well. Mildly amusing

Review – The Godfather

Though I have a slight preference for the second one, I still have a lot of affection for this first film in the Godfather trilogy. If nothing else, it established most if not all of the motifs and clichés that have been in common use in mobster movies ever since it came out in the early 70s. On the other hand, it also helped establish or at least cement a lot of the ethic stereotypes of Italian Americans. Though probably not quite the profound commentary on the human condition that it aspires to be, it’s intriguing, entertaining, well scripted, well acted and fairly well paced for a three plus hour movie. Worth seeing

Review – Jacob’s Ladder

This film contains some of the most stunning nightmare sequences I’ve ever seen. The scene in the hospital is particularly breathtaking. Unfortunately, when the whole damn film is one long set of dreams, the dream sequences start to lose impact. So if you can wade through all the bewildering multiple planes of reality and the new age religious blather, you might genuinely get something out of parts of this movie. Mildly amusing

Review – The Car

Let’s see ... how could we make a movie that would be just like Jaws, but set it in the desert Southwest? I know, why don’t we use a demonic black car instead of a shark? Really, the plot would have been just about as plausible and the threat just about as menacing if they’d gone ahead and used a big fish flopping around in the dirt. One of the vignettes in Nightmares gives us a priest being pursued by a demonic black pick-em-up truck, and that’s just about as effective a piece of horror as this whole movie (not to mention that the vignette is shorter and thus has less trouble keeping itself going). This movie’s one moment is when the car squashes the love interest, where there’s a brief moment of genuine suspense as the audience watches out an open window as the headlights approach the house. Other than that, stick to sharks. See if desperate

Review – Romancing the Stone

Here’s another one of those Hollywood marketing jobs where they try to stir in enough action to draw in the men and enough romance to interest women. Throw in a load of comic relief, and you’ve got the recipe for a muddled mess. However, it’s a muddled mess that kinda works. Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner didn’t strike me as a pair with a lot of chemistry, but there are enough distractions (including a Colombian dictator, a kidnapping, a treasure map, a huge gemstone and no end of high jinks) that their relationship doesn’t have to carry the film. For a brain-dead action comedy, I guess it’s not too bad. Mildly amusing

Review – Robocop

Pithy commentary on the alienating effects of technology, or just a cheap excuse for a sci-fi action movie? You decide. Peter Weller has truly found his ideal role as the cold half-man-half-machine police officer. The jerky, mechanical movements and the jerky, mechanical delivery seem to come naturally to him. The effects are fairly good, particularly the stylish, deco-knight look of the robo-suit. Beyond that, the script is fine and the acting workmanlike if somewhat uninspired. If you’re looking for a mindless way to waste a couple of hours, you could do a lot worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Candyman: Day of the Dead

Unless I missed something somewhere, this third episode in the Candyman series went straight to cable (HBO, to be specific). Tony Todd, no doubt lured by a chance for co-producer credit, returns to don the hook one more time. Other links to the original are few and far between, and even the second one is echoed only in some obscure plot points. As a result, this one falls back on the tried-and-true slasher film mix of tits and gore (though even then it’s tame compared to other entries in the sub-genre). Even the eerie Philip Glass soundtrack is gone. See if desperate

Review – Beverly Hills Cop

If you’ve got a term paper due and you just happen to be writing it about the genre of cop movies that feature a street-wise young maverick detective who plays by his own rules, then you’d better watch this one before you type up your essay and turn it in. Eddie Murphy wisecracks and fist-fights his way through a couple of hours worth of smarmy villains, expensive chase sequences and uninteresting plot twists. It’s a cheap thrill ride, some tunes that charted back when the film first came out back in the mid-80s, and not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – Event Horizon

Here we have an odd little mix of Alien-style sci fi and Barker-esque horror all rolled into one. The basic plot is that humanity’s first faster-than-light ship has returned not from deep space as expected but rather from a journey to the hell dimension. After awhile the whole show starts to reek of Hellraiser, especially toward the end when Sam Neil starts waltzing around with his head bedecked in linear lacerations (sans nails, at least). But despite this generally derivative character, the film manages a few genuine chills. And for a picture wedged so completely in this particular genre, the truly amazing part is that some of the best moments are genuinely understated or at least only briefly glimpsed rather than lavishly paraded across the screen until they wear thin. Mildly amusing

Review – The Glass Menagerie

Paul Newman takes the director’s chair for this production of Tennessee Williams’ play. Though the actors (particularly Joanne Woodward, the director’s wife) take a few liberties with the dialogue, the film remains reasonably true to the playwright’s sentimental vision of three fragile characters and a “gentleman caller” in pre-war St. Louis. Worth seeing

Review – Entrapment

Yet another entry in the realm of the high-tech thriller. This time around it’s Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones as a pair of thieves in perpetual search of the bigger score. Of course we also get a seemingly endless parade of double-cross and triple-cross, until the plot reaches the point where it’s hard to even care who’s trying to one-up whom. The gadgets, plot twists and acting are almost enough to keep it going. Almost. Mildly amusing

Review – The Thin Red Line

I guess if I’d been in more of a mood for a ponderous war movie I might have been a lot more receptive to this particular offering. After all, I enjoyed Farewell to the King, which was similar to this film in more ways than just the appearance of Nick Nolte in both. As it was, I found the characters and plot insufficient to sustain nearly three hours of screen time. Most of the big-name actors appear in roles that amount to little more than cameos – I’m surprised they had the guts to plug the film with promises of appearances by John Travolta and George Clooney, both of whom were onscreen only briefly – leaving unknowns and semi-knowns to play the key parts. Though all do workmanlike jobs, the casting director put guys who looked too similar in several of the lead spots, making it hard to tell what was happening to whom, particularly in the heat of the battle scenes. Lots of little things fail as well, such as the throaty, Apocalypse Now-esque voice-overs and a lot of the special effects. Still, the film as a whole is better than many other war movies with bigger budgets, including contemporary release Saving Private Ryan. Mildly amusing

Review – Campfire Tales

As the name suggests, this is a set of three vignettes with a bracketing plot, all based on urban legends. Though the first one has a few moments (it’s a monster story blended with a couple of shots from the hook-man thing), for the most part the whole thing’s pretty strictly for the high school crowd. Mildly amusing

Review – Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

Okay boys and girls, let’s play a fun game called “unanswered questions.” Judging by the first sequel, the unanswered question from the original would have to have been “what happened to the Boogeyman at the end of the first one?” Halloween 2 in turn left unanswered the question: “what would happen if we made a sequel that had nothing at all to do with the first two?” Next came “would audiences forgive us for #3 if we brought Michael Myers back?” But by this point in the cycle, the only unresolved curiosity has to be something like “how many more of these will audiences sit through?” The Myers niece returns, only this time she’s mute (which is not as big a blessing as one might imagine, especially inasmuch as it doesn’t last). So basically this is just a continuation of #4, with even less plot (if such a thing can be imagined) and more random screaming and slashing. See if desperate

Review – Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

I like how the title takes care to assure us that Michael Myers is indeed back for this one. Having done in his entire family either via direct butchery or simple attrition, The Shape has now been reduced to stalking his prepubescent niece. Seriously, this guy has trooped back to Haddonfield so many times that the kids in the local grade schools must have Boogeyman drills just like kids in Kansas have tornado drills and kids in Japan have Godzilla drills. Donald Pleasance and photos of Jamie Lee Curtis are about all that’s left from the original, with the saga otherwise reduced from helping to spawn the slasher genre to becoming just another pathetic example thereof. See if desperate

Review – Halloween 2

This one picks up right where the original left off; indeed, the first couple of pre-credits minutes of the sequel are a slightly re-edited copy of the very end of the first one. Unfortunately that doesn’t leave much of anywhere for the plot to go. As a result, the script meanders from death to death, challenging itself only to find mildly creative ways to end each successive life. Sure, Michael Myers’ motivations, particularly vis a vis the Jamie Lee Curtis character, are a little more clearly established. But that does little to justify an otherwise mostly dull debacle. See if desperate

Review – Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Though I’m no connoisseur of this particular sub-genre of action movies, I’ve gotta say that this is hands-down the silliest Robin Hood movie I’ve ever seen. Some elements are new to this production and not entirely unwelcome – such as the inclusion of Morgan Freeman as the title character’s Moorish sidekick. Other than the occasional small touch, however, this is a reheated version of the same tired old tale with a little politically-correct updating to make the love interest a little – but only a little – less the helpless damsel in distress. Heck, Kevin Costner couldn’t even be bothered to adopt an English accent for the starring role. On the other hand, maybe it’s better that he didn’t even try. This film was embarrassing enough for all concerned as it was. See if desperate

Review – Damien: Omen 2

As if adolescence isn’t hard enough, just imagine how much worse it must be if you happen to be the Antichrist. Well, imagine it no longer, since this film shows you what a terrible time young Damien, the demonic rug rat from The Omen, has once he discovers his role in the presumably imminent End Times. This sequel isn’t quite as spooky as the original, but it still has plenty of theological thrills to offer. I’m especially fond of the introduction of archaeology to the mix, though that’s probably just because it’s a personal passion of mine. Mildly amusing

Review – Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb

It’s like The Mummy’s Curse and The Mummy’s Tomb all rolled into one! Actually, this is a Hammer production unrelated to either previous movie except via the loose connection of theme. Here the mummy is revived to seek vengeance on those who desecrated his tomb (what a surprise). Actually, this is sort of a charming old movie in a 1960s vintage Hammer sort of way. However, you know you’re in trouble when the most sensible, most likable character is the ruthless American capitalist who wants to exploit the treasured Egyptian relics as a sideshow attraction. And you’re in even deeper trouble when the American is the first in a long line of the mummy’s victims. Mildly amusing

Review – Murder on the Orient Express

I confess that I’m a poor judge of the quality of murder mysteries, since I’m not a real big fan of the genre. But I do like this particular example. Based on Agatha Christie’s famous novel, the plot involves a trainload of people who all – except for intrepid inspector Poirot, of course – have some connection to a kidnapping that more-than-vaguely resembles the Lindbergh case. More than that I really shouldn’t include for fear of giving away the ending. Plot aside, even folks like myself who don’t have much use for mysteries may nonetheless enjoy this outing, which includes some top-notch art direction and more celebrity appearances than you can shake a stick at. Mildly amusing

Review – Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

De da de da de da de da it’s four days to Halloween Halloween Halloween it’s four days to Halloween Silver Shamrock. After you see this entry in the Halloween series, that’ll be stuck in your head for about a week. And if you’ve already seen the movie, just reading the lyrics here probably has it stuck in your head again. Well, for that I apologize. This is a true oddity in the realm of the sequel: a movie with absolutely no apparent connection to either of its predecessors. In fact, it doesn’t even seem to have a real firm connection to its own title (aside from the plot revolving around potentially lethal Halloween masks, one of which looks like a witch). Even though Tommy Lee Wallace wrote and directed, this still has John Carpenter stamped all over it. In other words, the basic premise is interesting, we get a few bloody murders and suspenseful moments along the way, but in the end the picture just doesn’t live up to the promise. Mildly amusing

Review – Gargoyles

This film starts out as a prime demonstration of the possibilities of a solid concept and a good script, even in the face of a low budget and the constraints placed upon made-for-TV productions. The set-up scenes, in which a roadside souvenir stand owner tries to interest an anthropologist and his daughter in an unusual, almost demonic skeleton, actually provide a couple of suspenseful moments only mildly dampened by the cheapness of the effects. It even manages to sustain an aura of creepy menace despite the intrusion of an annoying subplot involving teenage dirt-bikers (led by a young Scott Glenn). However, things start to go downhill after daughter gets kidnapped by a tribe of gargoyles plotting to take over the earth. It’s just a lot easier to get away with bargain basement costumes if you don’t spend too much time showing them. Mildly amusing

Review – Revenge of the Nerds

This overtly simple-minded comedy is one of the most interesting pieces of political filmmaking Hollywood has produced in recent memory. I expect that the average audience member was just supposed to see a juvenile story about a group of nerds who endure much abuse at the hands of jocks but manage to get the upper hand in the end. Just below the surface, however, lurks a relatively clever attempt to expose an otherwise unreceptive public full of white teenagers to a little multi-culturalism. Especially interesting are the frequently recurring gay rights themes. Of course the movie tends to undermine its own emphases by employing a thick sugar coating of sexism (including rape and other sex crimes) we’re all supposed to be okay with). But get past that aspect, and there’s some fun to be had. Mildly amusing

Review – Curse of the Demon

One of my guiltiest pleasures involves an affection for murky old black-and-white British horror movies. And this particular picture is one of the finest examples of the sub-genre. The plot is elegant and clever, unraveling the tale of a skeptical scientist who must rid himself of a rune-inscribed scrap of paper before a demon appears to kill the parchment’s possessor (Rocky Horror fans will recognize the reference to Dana Andrews and his prune problem). Furthermore, you just don’t get shadow-intensive lighting, deep focus and disconcerting camera angles like this anymore. And sure, the too-fuzzy-and-cute demon isn’t much of a payoff for all the well-crafted build-up, but sometimes the build-up makes the movie worthwhile all by itself. Buy the tape

Review – Mad City

There was a time when Costa-Gavras was on the cutting edge of left-wing subversive cinema. Not anymore, at least if we can judge by this offering. Oh, the evil media have no consciences. They ruthlessly exploit human suffering. Everyone in the business is either completely immoral or ends up being compelled to submerge their humanity beneath a thick facade of wanton opportunism. Whoa, fight the power. I’m surprised John Travolta and Dustin Hoffman didn’t pool their funds and keep this barker off the market. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – WarGames

I absolutely loved this film when it first came out. Of course, back then I was a high school computer geek just like the protagonist. And of course the whole toe-to-toe-with-the-Russkies seemed a lot more relevant then than it does now. I also expect most of today’s youth will sneer at the computers; what required a really bright kid with a lot of money would now probably be within the grasp of even mediocre students using machines available in most schools and libraries. Nonetheless, it remains an amusing little drama, however primitive the technology may seem today. Mildly amusing

Review – Burn Hollywood Burn

The long version of the title for this movie starts off with “An Alan Smithee Film,” indicating not only that it’s a movie about a director who wouldn’t put his name on a film but also that, blending fantasy, reality and hype, the guys who made this particular movie decided not to put their names on it. Despite the fact that I can’t really blame them for wanting to avoid association this stinker, I strongly suspect that it was all a big publicity stunt. I mean, like Joe Esterhas has any pride to begin with. Please. Whatever the case, this production is notable primarily for some cameos that were nowhere near as funny as they were supposed to be, amusing performances by Chuck D and Coolio (and you know when Coolio is one of the highlights that you’re talking about a pretty dim movie), and proof absolute that screenwriter Esterhas only manages to be funny when he’s not trying to do so. Burn, video, burn. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Something Wicked This Way Comes

At the outset let me admit that I’m a big Ray Bradbury fan, and if you don’t care for his work (particularly his tendency to get a little too sentimental on occasion) then you probably won’t care for this film. Even if you do like Bradbury, you may still have trouble accepting this offering. It seems somehow as if it was directed by committee, with some elements just a little bit out of step with others (not to mention a couple of lines repeated for no obvious reason, no doubt an editing mistake) and most of the dialogue rattled off in an over-dramatized tone. Further, this is a grim little movie, lacking the chain saws and other typical horror flick accouterments. But if you can get past all that, you’ll find this an eerie trip back to the darker sides of childhood imagination. Worth seeing

Review – Enter the Dragon

If you see only one martial arts movie in your life, make this the one. Here we have Bruce Lee at the height of his considerable cinematic prowess. Sure, the plot’s corny, the acting is wooden, the production values are a little crude (even by 70s standards) and some of the elements (hairstyles, clothing, music) are extremely dated, but all of that is just part of what makes this the paragon of the genre. Further, Lee’s natural charisma and superior athletic ability more than make up for such comparatively minor defects. Buy the tape

Review – Lurking Fear

Loosely (and I do mean loosely) based on “The Lurking Fear” by H.P. Lovecraft, this movie is a muddled mess of underdeveloped characters, wooden acting, needlessly complicated plot, and cheap effects. Ashley Lauren (whom Hellraiser fans will remember as Ashley Laurence) stars as a Linda-Hamilton-style commando doing battle with a family of zombie-like mole people who look more than a little like emaciated versions of the Morlocks from The Time Machine. Though I don’t like what Full Moon Productions have done with Lovecraft’s work, at least this one is a little lighter on the tit shots that seemed to be such a raison d’etre for previous productions such as The Re-Animator and From Beyond. See if desperate

Review – Murder in the First

This brutish little movie tells the story of a brutish little inmate at Alcatraz who is kept in solitary confinement for so long that it destroys his mind and turns him into a remorseless killer. Or, more specifically, this picture tells the story of the Harvard-educated attorney who gives up career, love and family in pursuit of justice for his client. Honestly, don’t lawyers ever get tired of themselves? Kevin Bacon does a workmanlike if somewhat over-wrought job as the inmate, and Christian Slater is his usual self as the valiant mouthpiece. If you’re in the mood for a grim and more than a little unrealistic courtroom drama, you could do worse. Mildly amusing

Review – Bulworth

Here we have either a brilliant little bit of absurdism or a miserable failure of a message piece comedy. Toward the end, it starts to look more and more like the audience has been subjected to the latter. Warren Beatty wrote this one himself, so he really doesn’t have any excuse for appearing in such a dreadful production. This is a bizarre tale of a senator who has a nervous breakdown and begins to speak candidly and publicly about power politics in America, particularly the racial and economic components thereof. Although it features a couple of amusing moments, for the most part the jokes fall flat and the message becomes tedious fairly swiftly. See if desperate

Review – Outland

High Noon in outer space. Literally. Sean Connery’s marshal is a little more human than the monolithic Gary Cooper, and the sci-fi version stirs in some additional plot twists (corrupt mine boss, drug pushers, decompression body detonations, graphically sexual holograms and the like), but otherwise this is a pretty straightforward recycle. This movie came out in the middle of the ultra-realistic “grimy sets” era of sci-fi cinema, so the art direction’s sort of interesting. The actors do what they can with the script, but ultimately it doesn’t amount to much more than an occasionally valiant effort. Mildly amusing

Review – Murder by Death

If you’re fairly familiar with the old standbys of the mystery genre, you should get a real kick out of this spoof. Of course, when I say “old standbys,” I mean it. We’re talking Nick and Nora, Poirot, Miss Marple, Sam Spade and Charlie Chan, all parodied by a cast of character actors including Peter Sellers, Alec Guinness, and many more. A lot of the jokes assume you know at least a little about genre clichés, and some of the other funny bits are a bit on the juvenile side. And of course with anything involving Charlie Chan, some racism is involved. But for the most part this is a thoroughly amusing if not especially mentally challenging viewing experience. I was particularly fond of the broad humor at the end, though more than that I can’t say without committing the cardinal mystery sin and giving it away. Worth seeing

Review – Soldier

Aside from an excess of animal killing (graphic pig death and snake death), this isn’t a bad representative of the sci-fi action genre. Mind you, it’s not a good representative, either. The effects are sort of cheap, and script is a bit on the weak side. The basic premise (a standard tale about humans bred to be military automatons, and how sad it is when they become obsolete) is tried and true, but the execution falls a little short. For example, the bulk of the action takes place on a planet that serves as sort of an intergalactic garbage dump. Why such a thing should be necessary is never explained, nor is it quite clear why a planet with an oxygen-rich atmosphere should be selected for such a role. And then when Kurt Russell, our cast-off superman, gets dumped on the Planet of the Refuse, it turns out that there’s a whole colony of people already living there. Believe it or not, it gets even dumber from there. But the action sequences aren’t too bad, almost good enough to sustain it if you’re in the mood for a bit of no-brain entertainment. Mildly amusing

[Note: for at least a little fun with this one, keep an eye out for a data screen profiling Russell’s character. Some of the info includes in-joke references to the actor’s roles in Escape from New York and The Thing.]

Review – The Mummy’s Tomb

The poor ol’ guy might have been better off just staying buried. Only the dwindling good graces of the Hollywood movie factory keep this weak effort one shuffling step away from the realms of Ed Wood and his kith. I suppose we should all be grateful that Lon Chaney (a.k.a. Lon Chaney Jr.), as the mummy, doesn’t have any lines. But somehow he still manages to stink, as does the rest of this trite rehash of mummy movie clichés. See if desperate

Review – Outbreak

No doubt prompted by the outbreak of public interest in hemorrhagic fevers sparked by The Hot Zone, this film gives us a what-if scenario in which a deadly virus gets loose in a small California town. With Morgan Freeman, Donald Sutherland and Dustin Hoffman in the cast I expected something a little more thought-provoking than this, especially because the script relies more on histrionic speechifying than on realistic communication. Still, I guess I’ve seen worse medical thrillers. It’s also a little hard on the simians, but since part of the point here is that the virus spreads in part due to the seizure of monkeys from their natural habitat, I suppose a certain amount of rhesus violence is inevitable or at least integral to the plot. Mildly amusing

Review – Lost and Found

I’m willing to bet that this was either rushed into production or significantly altered in mid-stream after There’s Something About Mary turned into a huge hit. Cute dog, lip-synching end credits and other similarities between the two films notwithstanding, David Spade manages to contribute enough of his usual sarcastic repartee to keep at least the first half of this movie moving. Sadly, that’s about all there is. The rest is just a run-of-the-mill flick about a nerdy guy who lies his way into a fabulous relationship with his fabulous neighbor and must go through a seemingly endless parade of high jinks to keep her from discovering his secret. Mildly amusing

Review – Futureworld

The filmmakers here are in that classic unenviable position: how do you make a sequel based on a movie in which just about everybody died in the end? And yet this picture rises from the ashes of Westworld. This time around, the peril isn’t berserk robots on the rampage. Instead, it’s a sinister conspiracy by the corporation that owns the Delos amusement park to replace prominent politicians with subservient clones, with only crusading journalists Blythe Danner and Peter Fonda standing in its way. How seventies! Mildly amusing

Review – Enemy of the State

Here’s another just-because-you’re-paranoid-doesn’t-mean-they-aren’t-out-to-get-you movie. Will Smith stars as an innocent man who gets caught up in a conspiracy (I’ll spare you the details, because this is only supposed to be a paragraph-long review), and Gene Hackman plays the crusty old ex-agent who turns out to be our hero’s only hope. Occasionally the film tries to masquerade as a serious commentary on the evils of the surveillance society, but for the most part it sticks to the tried-and-true conventions of the Will Smith action movie: snappy remarks, expensive effects and plenty of violence. Mildly amusing

Review – So I Married an Axe Murderer

Michael Myers does romantic comedy. Not! The actor’s goofy, spastic antics, which seemed so appropriate to SNL characters such as Wayne and Dieter, come off completely wrong when he’s trying to play a character we’re expected to believe a normal woman would actually fall in love with. Part of the trick here is that our heroine may in fact be a serial killer, but even a demented maniac would have to be pretty damn desperate to want to marry a character as annoying as the one Myers plays. I guess maybe there’s a clever moment or two (for example, the obnoxious, Scottish dad, also played by Myers, is occasionally sort of amusing). But the worthwhile parts are too few and far between to warrant the time it takes to wade through this predictable, unfunny comedy. See if desperate

Review – Cujo

When the villain in a movie is a rabid dog, you’ve gotta pretty much bet that you’re in for a whole bunch of animal-intensive violence. Matters aren’t helped here by the choice of canine, with the film-makers sticking to the Stephen King novel and casting a Saint Bernard in the role. The problem with this is that in most of the ostensibly-fear-inspiring shots the star of the show looks less like a rampaging demon and more like a hapless family pet liberally coated with tapioca. Every once in awhile a shot or two will work, but overall there’s just way too much shrieking kid, shrieking Dee Wallace, barking dog, ringing phone, and uninteresting subplot to make the experience worthwhile. See if desperate

Review – Snake Eyes

This Nicolas Cage thriller tries to do too much all at once. There just isn’t enough script here to pack in a murder mystery, a political thriller, an action adventure, and three-dimensional characters. As a result, we get a little mixture of each, with the end product serving up watered-down mystery, implausible political drama, mildly suspenseful action scenes, and characters we don’t get anywhere near as attached to as I think we were supposed to. Then the whole mess gets capped off with a hearty helping of jarring camerawork. This isn’t a bad film, particularly if you have an affection (or at least a tolerance) for Cage’s frenetic acting. It’s just not an especially good film, either. Mildly amusing

Review – There’s Something About Mary

This is without a doubt hands down the most uneven film I’ve ever seen. It goes from zero to hilarious in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately it goes right back down to zero just as quickly, and it stays there for extended stretches. Right away you’ve got to figure that any film where Ben Stiller and Cameron Diaz are the highlights, the low points are pretty low. Oh, and let’s not forget Bret Favre and the dog. Do you see where this is going? Neither do I. Mildly amusing

Review – The Jackal

This is another puzzling choice for a remake. Though The Day of the Jackal wasn’t exactly the greatest movie I ever saw, it did have a good-sized dose of 70’s-era European charm and sophistication. This film never rises much above mediocre international intrigue pot-boiling. For openers, Bruce Willis is a thing entirely unsuited to play a cold, calculating assassin, always looking as if he’d rather have his usual dirty tank-top back. Further, he steals a passport from a person who will miss it almost instantly (and commits several other equally foolish blunders). If Forsyth’s original novel is a manual for international terrorism, as some critics have charged, then this film is the manual on how to get caught. And I don’t know where they shot the sequences set in the Washington Metro, but it sure as heck wasn’t the Washington Metro. See if desperate

Review – Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Arnold’s back, only this time he’s a good-guy robot assassin assigned to protect the boy he was trying to subject to a little pre-natal murder in the first one. The sequel’s longer, but its bigger budget helps make the action scenes a little more impressive (especially the cool dream sequence where Los Angeles gets nuked). A little sappy at the end (okay, why is it wrong to kill people? It’s a question that’s posed several times but never concretely answered), but otherwise an enjoyable diversion. I recommend seeking out the special edition; the extra footage isn’t spectacular stuff, but the added character development does help a little. Worth seeing

Review – The Terminator

This is the film that really put director Jim Cameron on the map. All things considered, this is a pretty good blend of plot and action, with the ins and outs of trying to save Linda Hamilton from robot assassin Arnold Schwarzenegger intermixed with plenty of gunfights and car chases. Worth seeing

Review – The Believers

Martin Sheen’s character has troubles. He recently lost his wife to an accident involving a coffee maker. His son is having trouble adjusting. He’s got a full load at work counseling cops with mental problems. He’s trying to spark a rebound relationship with his landlady. And on top of everything else, a Santeria cult wants to use his kid as a human sacrifice. Naturally the cult leader and the bulk of his followers are people of color, and the protagonists are caucasian. Racist aspects aside, I guess I’ve seen worse horror movies. Mildly amusing

Review – The Other Sister

This is one of those movies that makes you feel like you signed some kind of a contract to have your heart warmed just by paying the price of admission. As is so typical with movies that prominently feature mentally differently-abled characters, it works the sentimental stuff pretty hard. And if not for the off-season release date, I would have guessed that this was a bid for a best supporting actress Oscar for Juliette Lewis; this was one of those roles that seemed tailor-made to play on Academy sympathies, and with Diane Keaton at least arguably the lead actress, Lewis played one of those parts that  seemed squarely intended as a “supporting” (wink, wink) role. Award aspirations aside, the acting is fairly good, occasionally supporting weak points in the script. Overall the film is good for a smile or two if the syrupy sweetness doesn’t send you into diabetic shock. Mildly amusing

Review – Smoke Signals

Movies written and directed by Native Americans are few and far between, and rarer still is the occasion when such a production makes it to even vaguely widespread distribution. But this particular production is worth seeking out. This is a quiet film, slowly but evenly paced, with a delightfully dry sense of humor. Loosely speaking, this is the tale of Victor, an angry young man, and Thomas, his misfit friend, who travel across the country to retrieve the ashes of Victor’s estranged father. But the real beauty here is in the details, all the subtle wit and genuine emotion that make films like this so rewarding. Worth seeing

Review – Tale of the Mummy

I wanted to like this movie. I really did. And I should have; it had a big dose of the creepy archaeological stuff that I like so much in horror movies. It just seemed like ever time it was ready to take off and run with the ball, it got bogged down on some obscure plot point or mummy movie cliché. Not helping matters was the fact that the mummy this time around isn’t a walking corpse as much as he’s a big, frequently amorphous collection of wrappings. Sometimes he’s a computer-animated menace that provides a chill or two, but he spends even more time looking like a big wad of masking tape. Jason Scott Lee puts in an acceptable performance, though often it seems like his heart’s not quite in it. The result: a film that seems to have a lot going for it, but somehow never quite pulls it all together. Mildly amusing

Review – Slums of Beverly Hills

Any coming-of-age movie that focuses on female adolescence deserves at least a little praise. And here we’ve got a valiant effort to do just that. Filmgoers who have been forced to endure endless “comedies” about male sexual maturation may enjoy a few woman-oriented breast- and vibrator-centered jokes as a change of pace if nothing else. Beyond that, however, the plot relies way too heavily on the quirkiness of an itinerant family that turns out not to be as quirky as they’re apparently supposed to be. Come for the novelty, stay for the occasional funny moment, but don’t expect too much else. Mildly amusing

Review – Being John Malkovich

If schizophrenics wrote screwball comedy, the result would no doubt be something along these lines. Clearly one of those low budget films that everyone in Hollywood wants to be in, this is hands-down one of the most bizarre movies ever to make wide release. The plot involves a collection of hapless people who find a secret door leading to the inside of John Malkovich’s mind. Though things get a little silly toward the end, for the most part the film succeeds on the strength of its own strangeness. You’ll probably need to be in the mood for quirkiness before you watch this one, but if such a mood does seize you then you should leave with your craving well sated. Worth seeing

Review – I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Unless something happens to the commercial success of this series, our grandchildren will be watching sequels to the original dog. I see a Social-Security-eligible Jennifer Love Hewitt starring in I Can’t Remember What I Had for Breakfast, But I Know What You Did Last Summer. In the current offering she’s still her nubile self, however, and still being pursued by a hook-wielding, vengeance-bent Gorton’s Fisherman. It looks like the budget might have been a little bigger this time around, because the production values are up a bit. Otherwise it’s still the same old stuff. See if desperate

Review – Cube

Aren’t we Kafka-esque? Isn’t this a brilliant statement about the extremities of human behavior when faced with an implacable, inexplicable, deadly puzzle? Wouldn’t you much rather rent something else? Um, yes to number three. This is a long, drawn-out, high-tech version of the old “what if a handful of archetypal characters were caught in a maze and had to cooperate to get out” scenario. This may be a little better than the usual version, inasmuch as the maze inflicts gory death on anyone who does it wrong. But otherwise we have the usual sad specimens of humanity struggling to use their “unique abilities” in tandem to crack the code and escape this overblown Barker-esque version of a Rubik’s Cube. Wonder-Twin powers, activate! See if desperate

Review – Beetlejuice

There’s a fair amount of charm in this Tim Burton film about a ghostly couple (Geena Davis, who’s never been more tolerable, and one of the Baldwins) trying to get rid of the new tenants of their house. I guess that Michael Keaton, as the “bio-exorcist” title character, is supposed to be the star of this film, but the real star is probably the art direction (a little past Pee-wee’s Big Adventure but not quite all the way to The Nightmare Before Christmas). Oh, and unless I’m mis-remembering things, this isn’t the movie that first gave us Winona Ryder, but it is the one that first put her on the map. Worth seeing

Review – The Mummy’s Hand

At least Lon Chaney Jr. isn’t in this one. Despite his absence, however, this is the usual parade of dry, dusty, walking corpses, ancient curses, sinister Egyptian baddies, valiant white heroes and damsels in distress. If anything, this rehash of the usual mummy clichés is made all the more annoying by the intrusion of enough comic relief to bring the plot to the border of an Abbot and Costello-style farce. Every once in awhile the hollow-eyed mummy gets a good camera angle, but other than that this film offers little or nothing even to die-hard sub-genre fans. See if desperate

Review – Volcano

I’m glad I didn’t see this movie in the theater, as it has got to be one of the loudest films I’ve ever watched; I’m sure that with the new eardrum-bursting speakers most theaters now have, I would have been completely deaf by the end of it. And the hearing loss would scarcely have been worth the sacrifice. Stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche both seem oddly miscast in this endless parade of bogus seismology, wooden dialogue and unbelievable plot twists. Top it all off with a pedantic and more than a little ludicrous message about Los Angelinos of all races coming together in the face of adversity, and you’ve got a real stinker on your hands. See if desperate

Review – The Last Broadcast

The idea for The Blair Witch Project was allegedly stolen from this lesser-known, low-budget production. Certainly this video was produced first, and there’s unquestionably a strong similarity between the two. Both involve a group of young, amateur video producers venturing into the wild in search of supernatural phenomena. But of the two, I thought this one was a lot better. For openers, it lacked the gut-wrenching camera jerking that became so legendary after motion-sickness-prone Blair Witch viewers became ill just from watching the film. Indeed, the entire production was much more skillfully assembled, looking more like a clever, Welles-esque window soaping than a tedious Watkins fakeumentary. Further, it used the Jersey Devil as its bete noir, and I can remember being spooked by Jersey Devil tales when I was a kid. Sadly, it can’t sustain the suspense, electing instead to lose focus, meander and resort to philosobabble. And it would be more than charitable to describe the final pay-off as less than satisfying. If only this one had used the Blair Witch ending, perhaps the concept would actually have worked. Mildly amusing

Review – Virus

The film-makers must have blown the bucks on the special effects and the galaxy of minor stars (Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland and Billy Baldwin in particular) that infest this picture. And I suppose that with all the money already spent that they were stuck scrounging a script from wherever they could find one. As a result, the plot is a hodge-podge of Alien, Star Trek: The Next Generation and around half a dozen other sources. Thus this is a pretty boring movie, especially for an action picture, unless you’ve never seen any of the other works being “borrowed” from here. See if desperate

Review – Operation Condor 2

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan flick. This one is ostensibly a sequel to another Chan movie that was probably made later (at least judging by Jackie’s appearance and the relative film quality). Here he does battle with Satanist monks who kidnap his ex-girlfriend. Worth seeing

Review – Logan’s Run

At some point in the polyester-track-suited future, the old “don’t trust anyone over 30” has become “everyone over 30 gets exterminated in ‘the fiery ritual of Carousel.’” Despite the scenery-chewing job done by Michael York in the lead role, this is a solid example of 70s-era science fiction; even without the pseudo-utopian costumes and plastic-fantastic set design, the mere presence of Farah Fawcett in a bit part would place it squarely in its historical niche. Be warned, however, that once our hero and the love interest manage to elude Box the TV dinner robot, the plot takes a turn for the dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Critters

Attack of the really fakey-looking muppets! This film tries to cash in on the backwash from Gremlins, but falls way short. There are a few mildly amusing sight gags from time to time, but otherwise you can miss this one unless you’ve got your heart set on seeing every bad horror movie ever set in the state of Kansas. See if desperate

Review – The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977)

Though neither as radical as previous productions – particularly the famous Island of Lost Souls – nor as well-crafted as its Brando-infested successor, this version of H.G. Wells’ famous tale has much to recommend it. Sure, Michael York and Burt Lancaster eat more than their share of the scenery, and the beast-men makeup is more than a little crude by today’s standards. Nonetheless, the script remains reasonably faithful to the source material. Overall the movie a good job of portraying the theme of unethical, inhuman science run riot. Mildly amusing

Review – The Fugitive

This big screen re-do of the semi-famous TV series isn’t too bad, but it’s mostly rescued by the performances of Harrison Ford (as the Wrong Man) and Tommy Lee Jones (as the Pursuing Force). The plot consists mostly of one close call after another as the good doctor flees from federal marshals and pursues the dreaded one-armed man who killed his wife. They spent a lot of money on the camerawork and the effects, and I guess that helps keep it moving as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Swing Shift

Rosie the Riveter becomes a sitcom starring Goldie Hawn? The amazing thing is that it almost works. In a vast field of movies about World War II, this is one of the few that focuses on the American home front and some of the difficulties women had adjusting to the loss of husbands and their new roles as members of the workforce. The movie is intended to be a light, romantic comedy, but ultimately the romance just seems to get in the way. Hawn and off-screen amour Kurt Russell work well enough together, but she’s supposed to be married to Ed Harris and that makes the whole thing more awkward than endearing. The plot dissolves a little at the end, but otherwise it keeps moving enough to be entertaining if not exactly thought-provoking. Mildly amusing

Review – The Ref

Trouble on the domestic front? Is your relationship with your spouse falling apart? Do your kids, in-laws, etc. hate your guts? Is it mutual? Well, apparently all you need is for a would-be burglar to come and take the whole crew hostage on Christmas Eve, and the wacky antics that ensue will have everything right as rain in no time. Okay, I know this sounds hokey as heck, and the thought of sitting through a mess of Denis Leary’s break-neck delivery doesn’t make it much more enticing. But oddly enough, this is actually a pretty good film. The dialogue is biting and sarcastic enough to keep it from getting too sappy (well, at least until right near the end).And amazingly enough, everybody learns a little bit about kindness without wallowing in a lot of Dickensian Yuletide-spirit nonsense. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy’s Curse

Ah, I can still hear the disembodied voice of the Friday Fright Night announcer ringing in my ears. “I hope the mummy doesn’t stub his toe. Then we’ll really hear the mummy’s curse! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh! At least if he hurts himself he’s already got plenty of bandages! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh!” And so on. Not to mention the scratchy, faded prints, the telecine so cheap that huge wads of lint balled up on the screen, dancing like giant bugs before being swept away in the celluloid tide. Those were the days. Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes. This sequel to The Mummy’s Tomb manages to surpass the original by a small measure, though for the most part it’s just more of the same parade of clichés. As if the traditional sinister Egyptian stereotypes weren’t offensive enough, this time they’ve added an African American character who delivers lines such as “De mummy’s loose and he’s dancin’ wit de debbil!” Nostalgia has its limits, and much of this is well beyond them. See if desperate

Review – Village of the Damned (1995)

Village of the out-of-work actors is more like it. With Michael Pare, Mark Hamil and Christopher Reeve (pre-accident) chewing on the scenery, you know you’re in for a real treat. I’m not sure why John Carpenter decided that it would be a good idea to remake a dreary old film about a village terrorized by psychic alien children, particularly inasmuch as he didn’t really seem to add too much when he redid it. This comes across as a made-for-TV production (though it was originally released in theaters), an odd step for a director with a long-standing reputation for making much better movies. Mildly amusing

Review – Swing Kids

What the heck is this film trying to do? Is it a teen rebellion picture? A historical drama about the pre-war Nazi takeover of Germany? A dance movie? Ultimately it gives each of these goals a try, and falls short on all. There’s some good music and good dancing to be found here, but the simplistic politics and silly rebel-without-a-cause posturing end up getting in the way. And if the producers thought they could sell swing to kids by using history as a hook, well, let’s just say that the Gap khakis ad did a better job of it in less time and without the trite history lesson. See if desperate

Review – Bull Durham

Here we have one of the great moments in baseball cinema. This has got to be one of the sappiest, most pseudo-intellectual bits of fluff ever committed to celluloid. In other words, it’s a perfect example of the genre. Kevin Costner speechifies, Susan Sarandon misquotes Blake, and Tim Robbins looks awkward. Despite all that, this film occasionally manages to be clever. And beneath all the goofy humor, romantic posturing and other clap-trap, the film’s saving grace is that it does manage to convey a genuine love of the game. Worth seeing

Review – Red Corner

If only the Dalai Lama was in charge of mainland China, there would be no injustice, no corruption, and the land would be safe for American movie companies to peddle their wares in a free market with adequate copyright protection. Thank you, Mr. Gere. There, now that we’ve got the subtext out of the way ... this is a mediocre political thriller that aspires to join the ranks of Missing and Midnight Express but falls miserably short. See if desperate

Review – End of Days

I don’t know what happened. I used to really like theology-intensive horror pictures. The Exorcist and The Omen remain two of my favorite movies. Heck, for that matter I used to like Schwarzenegger movies as well. But despite what should have been a good confluence of elements, this one just didn’t work for me. At least part of the problem was the plot. The premise here is that Satan can defeat God and destroy creation if he can manage to have sex with a specific woman between 11:00 and midnight on New Year’s Eve 1999. Honestly, who besides a desperate screenwriter is going to come up with a dumb-ass rule like that? The effects provide an occasional thrill, but other than that there isn’t much here. See if desperate

Review – A Bug’s Life

The old tale of the grasshopper and the ants gets a work-over via the magic of Pixar and a big dose of plot transfusion from The Seven Samurai. Like most Disney animations, this film’s got its share of impressive graphics and cute moments. But also like most Disney animations, it features a few cute characters, a lot of feel-good moments, and the notorious happy ending. The romance between the ant princess and the hapless hero doesn’t work for me, perhaps because I didn’t sense much chemistry between Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Dave Foley, even as computer-animated bugs (or maybe they were just too close to their counterparts in Antz, which suffered from equally bad chemistry between Woody Allen and Sharon Stone). Not bad as an opening feature for video night, but not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – Creepshow

I think true appreciation of this horror anthology picture depends on one’s status as a fan of EC comics, director George Romero, and/or screenwriter Stephen King. Those who don’t meet the qualification are likely to find this too comic-book-esque and nowhere near violent or suspenseful enough to work as a horror movie. However, if you do fit the bill, you should get a real kick out of it. King fans should particularly enjoy the “Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill” vignette, since the author himself plays the title role. All the stories are packed with EC-style thrills and a few familiar faces in each cast; even Ted Danson and Leslie Nielsen, both of whom are better known for their comedy roles, do a good job as a woman’s adulterous lover and her very angry husband. My personal favorite, college professor that I am, is “The Crate” with its academic setting and semi-Lovecraftian sub-references. Though again I stress that it’s probably not for everyone, those who will enjoy it will probably want a copy. Buy the tape

Review – Crash Dive

Mike “The Dude” Dudikoff is the unlikely star of this movie about a dashing, handsome, young, single father who happens to both design nuclear submarines and board them in daring commando raids to recapture them when they’ve been seized by terrorists. Needless to say, the plot has holes in it big enough to drive a Typhoon-class submarine through (for those of you not up on your submarine geekdom, that’s pretty big), but if you’re in the mood for a brainless action movie then at least you’ll get what you pay for. See if desperate

Review – Sliding Doors

Unless struck by an unusual mood, I’m usually not the date movie sort. I was drawn to this particular specimen by its premise: the film follows the life, or make that lives, of a woman whose fate is drastically different depending on whether or not she barely makes or barely misses the subway one day. I’m intrigued by the notion that fate would vary so dramatically based on such trivial twists, and the film does an admirable job of playing both scenarios out from their common origin. The really amazing part is that in addition to the high-concept stuff, the script is witty and the acting is underplayed quite well. So come for the concept but stay for the rest of it. Worth seeing

Review – Sleepy Hollow

Tim Burton makes a serious horror movie out of the famous Washington Irving story about the Headless Horseman. Of course the film-makers do a considerable amount of adaptation in the process, transforming protagonist Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp) from schoolmaster to big-city constable sent to the muddy backwater of Sleepy Hollow to solve a murder mystery. Oddly enough, the drama in this 20th (almost 21st) century production depends much more heavily on the supernatural than its 19th century source. But for the most part it works quite well. The only two gripes I have are that the film is very hard on the small animals (featuring graphic bird and bat death) and most of the stuff I found the most chilling occurred toward the beginning of the movie. The DVD features some interesting behind-the-scenes stuff, including feature-length commentary by Burton. Worth seeing

Review – Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

This quasi-remake of the quasi-famous Roger Corman low-budget classic manages to lampoon both horror movies and musicals. I suppose it was a little more impressive back in the 80s when the stars who make cameos were still popular. But even now this isn’t bad for a silly bit of off-Broadway diversion., especially with veteran puppeteer Frank Oz in the director’s chair. When the star of the show is a big, blood-drinking plant, that muppet experience must have really come in handy. Mildly amusing

Review – Rashomon

Though not quite director Akira Kurosawa’s finest moment, it is one of his better-known films and certainly a high-quality effort. The name of this film has become synonymous with tales that recount the same event from multiple points of view, here being the story of a rape and murder told from the perspective of a bandit (played by the legendary Toshiro Mifune), a husband, a wife and a neutral witness to their respective crimes. Though the editing and mis en scene are occasionally a bit on the ponderous side, finer portraits of the frailties of humanity are few and far between. Worth seeing

Review – The Corruptor

Once again inscrutable Asians provide the cannon fodder for a cop buddy movie. This time around Chow Yun-Fat plays a seasoned veteran and Mark Wahlberg plays a young newcomer to the Chinatown beat in New York. The plot follows Wahlberg as he slowly becomes corrupted by Tong bosses, eventually getting to be just as bad as mentor Chow. The story is punctuated by sporadic chases and/or shoot-outs, not to mention so many double-crosses that it becomes a chore to keep up with who’s stabbing whom in the back. The editing is also a problem, aspiring to John Woo’s jump-cut style without really mastering it. Overall this film commits the cardinal sin of the action movie genre: it’s a bit on the boring side. See if desperate

Review – Fright Night

Though it didn’t make a lot of waves when it came out, this mid-budget horror movie has become something of a sleeper if not exactly a cult classic. Chris Sarandon turns in a solid if appropriately hammy performance as a smarmy vampire who moves in next door to the teenage protagonist, who in turn enlists the aid of a monster movie host (played by Roddy McDowell) in his efforts to vanquish the creature of the night. The resulting high jinks are a little on the juvenile side. Nonetheless, the movie keeps itself going with a fairly decent script and special effects that sometimes aren’t too bad for cheap latex. Overall this isn’t a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it does have its moments. Mildly amusing

Review – Raising Arizona

Though the Coen brothers made movies before this one, here’s the picture that really put them on the map. Nicolas Cage and Holly Hunter turn in career-topping performances as a childless couple who decide to start a family by swiping one of a set of quintuplets from the owner of a chain of unpainted furniture stores. Throw in a lecherous boss, a pair of old prison buddies on the lam, and the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse, and you’ve got the recipe for, well, you’ll just have to see it for yourself. The slapstick comedy and hallmark Coen strangeness make the first time a treat, and there are enough sub-references and other subtle touches to reward repeat viewings. Buy the tape

Review – Copycat

Copycat is just about right. All of this profilers-versus-serial-killers crap was done to the extent necessary and then some by Thomas Harris and Jonathan Demme. Maybe I’m just getting old or something, but the whole two-hours-of-tortured-women is really starting to wear a little thin. There’s one solid chill in this film, an odd bit of computer-borne video in which a neo-flower-child turns into a spooky skeleton. Other than that, however, this is a lot of emoting by Sigourney Weaver, Harry Connick Jr. and Holly Hunter and not a lot of anything else. Serial killer lore enthusiasts will also find the seemingly endless game of trivial pursuit more than a little tedious. See if desperate

Review – The Mummy (1999)

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s just something about this movie that doesn’t seem to work. The effects are really good, so they’re not to blame. I admit that I don’t like the horror-comedy mix, so the goofy antics stuffed in between the thrills might have been at fault, particularly when they were played in the same scenes with the scary stuff. The acting didn’t help, either; Brendan Fraser wasn’t too bad as the hero, but the heroine came across as a bargain basement Mary Poppins wannabe. The supporting cast is also rife with unpleasant ethnic stereotypes. Overall, however, this just seems to be one of those good efforts that never quite seem to come together. The DVD includes audio commentary by the director and editor, as well as an effects-info-intensive documentary and various other features. Mildly amusing

Review – The Frighteners

This was sort of a little-noticed film when it first came out, which is a shame because it’s not too bad. The effects work well with the plot, giving the audience innovative depictions of the denizens of the ghost-ridden landscape. Usually I don’t care much for attempts to mix humor and horror, but this film actually pulls it off fairly effectively (some of the jokes fall a little flat, but on the other hand some of the horror is genuinely creepy). Particularly worthy of note is the performance turned in by the latest member of the Busey clan to take up acting; Jake does a great job as the psycho from hell. And though I usually don’t care for Michael J. Fox, here he’s at least tolerable. Worth seeing

Review – Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

This episode in the series of ape movies endures as my favorite. There’s obviously a hefty dose of 70’s-era politics being injected here, with possible targets ranging to everything from race relations to animal rights to class warfare. However the more serious elements are interpreted, the real draw here is that it’s a fine if somewhat dated (the film is ostensibly set in the far-future world of 1991) specimen of the action movie. There’s something almost creepy about large parts of the drama, particularly in the riot scenes toward the end in which our latex simian heroes rise up against their cruel human masters. Heavy-handed and cheaply-produced to be sure, but still worth a look. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mummy (1932)

Like Todd Browning’s Dracula, this film’s spot in history is just too close to the silents for it to be very sophisticated by today’s standards. That notwithstanding, it’s got a lot going for it. For openers, Boris Karloff plays the title character, giving the role just the right morbid touches to convincingly play an undead creature imprisoned in a sarcophagus for 3,700 years. And like most of the films in the sub-genre herein originated, this movie features a lot of archaeology-related plot twists. Most of it is pretty hokey stuff, but even so it appeals to my personal preferences in horror movies. Worth seeing

Review – Embrace of the Vampire

Somewhere out there, someone has an erotic fixation on Alyssa Milano. If that person happens to be you, then this is the movie you’ve been waiting your whole life to see. There’s more Milano nudity here than you can shake a stick at. Unfortunately, that’s about all there is. The rest is just a lot of silly, pseudo-erotic rambling about an innocent young thing slowly (and I do mean slowly) seduced by a neurotic vampire (is there another kind?). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Mulan

I guess this is a step in the right direction for the Disney animation studio. Certainly this Chinese legend of a girl who pretends to be a boy so she can take her father’s place in the conscription ranks is a far cry from the women-as-helpless-victims plots of the studio’s heyday. The animation quality’s pretty good, and the comic relief (in the form of Edie Murphy lending his voice to a diminutive dragon) is actually kinda funny. Still, the most enduring memory I’ve got of this film is that when it first came out in the theaters McDonald’s had a promo tie-in where they briefly had Szechwan sauce available for McNuggets. Wow, that stuff was good! Mildly amusing

Review – In the Line of Fire

We’ve got something we call the “Malkovich role,” which is the part an actor plays when he or she seems particularly well suited to that particular role and particularly poorly suited to any other type of role. The term came into being as a result of this film, where John Malkovich plays a psycho who’s trying to assassinate the President. He’s up against Clint Eastwood as a crusty Secret Service agent and Rene Russo as the Secret Service love interest. Most of this is the usual, run-of-the-mill Eastwood action flick, but every once in awhile it has a glimmer of humor or other endearing trait. Worth seeing

Review – Surviving the Game

This abnormally stupid retelling of the trite, old “Most Dangerous Game” story features at least a couple of actors (F. Murray Abraham and Gary Busey, to be specific) who really should have known better. I guess everyone does their best with the dreadful script, but there’s just no saving this goofy tale from itself. A group of six hunters (well, five hunters and a nervous kid) coax a homeless man (Ice T) out into the wilderness and proceed to hunt him down (via ATVs, no less) like an animal. The really sad part is that the film-makers fail to take advantage of even the most obvious points in the plot where an interesting twist might have been inserted. See if desperate

Review – The Matrix

I usually don’t like to levy this particular criticism at films, because as a general principle I think it’s a reflex response commonly found in audience members with short attention spans. But let’s cut right to the chase here: this movie is way too damn long. It barely packs enough plot to sustain 90 minutes, let alone its actual length of nearly two and a half hours. The meandering “what is reality?” philosobabble that inundates most of the middle third of the film doesn’t help matters, either. When this film keeps moving it’s not too bad, but more often than not it thrashes around in techno-jargon and nonsense metaphysics. Further, genre aficionados will recognize big chunks of stolen plot from such unlikely sources as Tron, Videodrome, and at least a dozen other sci-fi and horror pictures. If you must see it, try to catch it either in the theater or in another venue with a big screen and loud speakers so the effects and soundtrack can better distract you from the cardboard dialogue and wooden acting. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning

Here’s another odd choice for a title. The beginning was four films back, and there really isn’t much here that could genuinely be considered new. The Corey Feldman character from number four returns as a disturbed teenager (played by a different actor) still pursued by the thing in the hockey mask. The nudity-to-plot ratio continues to shift in the nudity direction, and that certainly doesn’t leave much in the plot department. The production values are up a little bit. Otherwise it’s business as usual. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

Final chapter? Yeah, right. We aren’t even halfway through at this point. However, they’ve left 3D behind and spent the money on minor stars (including Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover) and more nudity than any other movie in the series to this point. The production values are up a little, but other than that it’s still more of the personality-free Jason donning his mask and going after teens. There are a few wrinkles, such as the family that lives next door to the cabin full of machete-bait. But otherwise it’s the same ol’ same ol.’ See if desperate

Review – Superman 2

Given my well-established antipathy for the whole Superman thing, what on earth would prompt me to sit through this one? Well, I wanted to see the scene in the beginning when our disco-clad super-villains get snared inside a couple of hula-hoops and then imprisoned in a giant LP slipcover from outer space (and for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure yet, accept my personal assurance that my description of the opening is neither exaggerated nor ironic). After that I guess I was just paralyzed into watching the whole rest of the grim tableaux of the Super-dude magically transforming himself into a mere mortal so he can knock boots with Lois Lane. Or at least paralysis is my story, and I’m sticking to it. Mildly amusing

Review – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

They brought in Sean Connery for this one and everything, and still it went downhill from the first two. Connery isn’t bad as the elder Dr. Jones, but the rest of the movie is a fairly brainless parade of hackneyed plot and expensive stunts. The love interest this time around was certainly a step down; of course it didn’t help that she turned out to be a Nazi. Overall the quest for the Holy Grail comes across as an attempt to recapture the pursuit of the Ark of the Covenant, an effort that falls considerably short. If you want a grail movie, rent the Monty Python version instead. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 3

The bad focus and low production values could probably be explained away as natural by-products of the slasher genre, but all those objects being thrust into the camera can only mean one thing: 3D. Sadly, that’s about all there is to this installment in the Jason saga; the rest is just teenagers having sex (after a fashion) and getting hacked up. So when you take the 3D stuff away before putting the movie on video, the only reason to watch this otherwise-forgettable chapter of the Friday the 13th series is the debut of the infamous hockey mask. See if desperate

Review – Friday the 13th Part 2

Mama Voorhees’ little boy enters into his own and takes up the family business. Though his hallmark hockey mask doesn’t appear, everything else is here: Camp Crystal Lake, nubile counselor trainees, and a festival of sharp instruments. Though clearly not a shining example of the screenwriting arts, the script this time is at least a little better than the first one. The effects lag a little, but otherwise this is an acceptable choice if one is in the mood for a slasher movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Friday the 13th

Though this was a seminal work in the early days of the slasher movie, for the most part it’s fairly tame – perhaps even a bit boring – by today’s standards. Tom Savini’s high-impact gore effects still endure fairly well, but other than that the characters aren’t interesting enough nor the plot sufficiently compelling to keep today’s jaded viewers interested. Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon enthusiasts will note this as one of the actor’s earlier screen appearances, though it links the actor mostly to teen axe-murder victims who never went on to appear in anything else. Even the now-legendary Jason Voorhees is almost completely absent from the first installment in the series that made him a star. As it is, this one offers little besides clichés and a brutal snake killing. See if desperate

Review – The Rage: Carrie 2

I wonder what the record is for the number of years between an original movie and its sequel. If this one isn’t the champ, it’s definitely a contender (though I guess Psycho would be up there somewhere too). Despite the passage of years, the formula is basically the same: outcast teen with psychic powers runs afoul of cruel peers and makes them pay with fiery doom. Though not quite as good as the original, the film-makers appear to have done more with less to turn this relatively low budget rehash into a watch-worthy movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Motel Hell

I don’t know if being a classic of cannibal cinema is much of a distinction, but if so then this film deserves the prize. For the most part this is just a schlocky little gore-fest about a nutty old meat curer who uses booby traps to capture motorists in order to add that extra special flavor to his jerky. But occasionally in this low-budget horror flick brief glimmers of philosophy manage to creep in. To be sure most of it is of the bumper-sticker variety, including such priceless slogans as “meat’s meat and a man’s gotta eat” and “it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.” But listen closely and you’ll find some deeper musings, including a speech on the interrelationship between cannibalism and karma that’s more than a little reminiscent of the Marquis de Sade. It’s nice to know that some folks don’t use the need to make a bad movie as a rationalization for using a bad script. Mildly amusing

Review – Buffalo '66

Meaningless, meandering script? Mindless preoccupation with alienated people in dysfunctional relationships? Grainy film stock? Brutal animal violence? Must be another GenX indy director bamboozling the critics into thinking he’s profound. Actor-writer-director Vincent Gallo actually includes a scene in which another character tells him what a large penis he has. You can’t get too much more self-indulgent than that, and most of the rest of the film is just about as bad. Why oh why do mainstream critics who really should know better keep falling for this kind of nonsense? Gallo has a reputation for attacking critics who talk bad about him, so maybe that has something to do with it. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Money Pit

If you’re in the process of trying to buy a house, avoid this movie at all costs; it’s a seemingly endless situation comedy recounting just about everything that can go wrong when a young couple buys what they think is the home of their dreams. Tom Hanks and Shelly Long star as our hapless protagonists, trying to hold their relationship together as their country mansion collapses around their ears. Despite the one-joke nature of the plot and the predictable, sappy ending, there are a few genuinely amusing parts – usually bits of slapstick humor such as a raccoon jumping on Long’s head – to be found here. Mildly amusing

Review – Frankenstein (1931)

Despite being a little rough around the edges (due for the most part to the beginners’ mistakes endemic to the early talkies), this movie remains one of the classics of the horror genre. Though neither the first nor the last cinematic adaptation of Mary Shelly’s gothic novel, it nonetheless has become the standard against which other versions are judged and usually found wanting. Boris Karloff’s plodding, grunting, cube-headed, bolt-necked portrayal of the mad doctor’s creation has become a pop culture icon. And despite all the clichés, there are some genuine chills to be had here (particularly when the creature is playing with the peasant girl, and we all know what’s going to happen even though production standards cut the scene short). With that kind of reputation, it matters little that the acting suffers from post-silent histrionics and the plot is often as muddled and awkward as its lead character. Worth seeing