Review – The Cold

Let’s go in search of a good horror movie. Okay, start with the crappiest film stock available. Nah, you’re off to a cold start. Speaking of starts, let’s do the opening credits with names printed on cards. Getting colder. Next let’s use some lame premise about rich people tormenting stupid gold-diggers by offering a million dollar prize (which probably seemed like more money back in 1984 than it does now) to whomever can last the longest in a hotel full of evil practical jokes. Colder. For the cast, hire men whose only qualification is the ability to vaguely remember lines, and hire women who don’t even have to be that skilled as long as they’re willing to take their clothes off over and over again. Colder. Make-up effects that wouldn’t pass muster in a high school play. Colder still. An almost completely absent plot. Icy. If your idea of a scary haunted house is one of those buzzer-intensive ride-through trailers at cheap carnivals, then this is likely to be your idea of a good horror movie. See if desperate