Review – Zombie School

This comes so close to being so bad that it becomes charming. Amazon’s AI dubbing didn’t help matters, though I suspect the dialogue wasn’t exactly Oscar bait even in Korean. For the most part I was able to sit back and let the sheer plotless stupidity wash over me. Unfortunately a handful of scenes involve violence against animals, including some B roll of pigs in which they appear to actually be harmed. Cut that crap out and the rating would have gone up. See if desperate

Review – Dead Snow 2

Though I knew the original wasn’t exactly destined for a spot in the Criterion Collection, I hadn’t remembered it being quite as stupid as this. Apparently returning stolen gold to a pack of the zombie remains of genocidal monsters wasn’t enough to keep them at bay. So now zombie Soviets become the only hope of a Norwegian village targeted by the undead SS. Most of this works only on a slapstick comedy level with a five year old’s fascination with things messy and gross. See if desperate

Review – 28 Years Later

A quarter century (give or take) later, Danny Boyle’s rage zombies still hold dominion over the UK. Only now they’ve grown larger, more naked and considerably more boring. There seem to be three or four different stories going here, none of which meshes especially effectively with the others. See if desperate

Review – The Sadness

This Taiwanese take on rage infection zombies introduces two new twists. The disease starts out as something straightforward – kinda Corona-esque – before mutating into a more apocalyptic form, and it leaves its victims’ brains intact but turns control over to the limbic system. So the monsters retain their ability to speak, use tools and otherwise function, but they can no longer control their violent and sexual urges. The result is what one might expect from a movie produced and partially starring folks from Taiwan’s sex work industry. It’s brutal stuff, but production values are high and the plot keeps itself moving. Mildly amusing

Review – Zombiology

This is my first experience with Chinese zombie comedies, so there may be some subtleties I’m missing here and there. On the other hand, maybe not. The plot overall doesn’t seem to rely on anything subtle. Two friends with half-baked superhero cosplay fantasies find themselves fighting against a zombie-plague-spreading chicken monster. Mildly amusing

Review – Valley of the Dead

This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed a very particular style of comedy used by European filmmakers trying to imitate horror movies from the United States. It’s somehow just off the mark enough that you wouldn’t mistake this for George Romero, but it’s entertaining nonetheless. I particularly enjoyed the Spanish Civil War as a backdrop for Nazi zombie-making experiments gone wrong. The ensemble of characters got a little too cozy with the fascist side for completely comfortable viewing, and the plot had several king-sized holes in it. But for a dumb dead movie, it was fun enough. Mildly amusing

Review – Train to Busan Presents: Peninsula

I’m not sure what – if any – actual connection this South Korean zombie apocalypse picture has with Train to Busan other than name and theme. But if it’s a follow-up, it’s a worthy one. It’s sort of a Dawn of the Dead to the first one’s Night of the Living Dead, with the story starting four years after the start of the zombie plague and the remaining population of South Korea in full survival mode. Action and gore abounds as a small group of smugglers try to get a truck full of American money past a vicious gang and a few million zombies. The plot takes some intriguing twists, which adds nicely to the well-crafted scares and chase scenes. Worth seeing

Review – Train to Busan

Despite hearing good things about this movie, I avoided it for a long time due to skepticism about any zombie story ever meriting the trouble of reading subtitles. But I’m glad I took a chance on it. A variety of characters get stuck on a train during the zombie apocalypse. Despite the trapped-with-zombies clichés, the story keeps moving nicely. And the budget’s big enough to supply good production values. Worth seeing

Review – Maggie

Somehow they’ve multiplied two positives and ended up with a negative. Schwarzenegger movies are generally lively and entertaining. Zombie movies are generally lively and entertaining. But put them together and apparently we end up with a ponderous think piece about a farmer caring for his daughter as she slowly joins the ranks of the walking dead. This amateur-hour production from a rookie director and a rookie screenwriter plays like Old Yeller if the dog was a teenage girl and also a zombie. See if desperate

Review – The Eschatrilogy: Book of the Dead

Unimaginative (not exactly a big surprise from a low-budget zombie picture), but at least the amateur horror fans who made this contented themselves with filming their flesh-eating sight gags without bothering with too many fruitless attempts to add story or character development. The coda was a strong ah-for-cryin’-out-loud-isn’t-this-over-yet moment, but otherwise this delivers what little it promises. See if desperate

Review – Birth of the Living Dead

If you’re interested in Night of the Living Dead (and if you care about the history of zombie movies, you should be), by all means take the time to watch this documentary. It provides extensive information about how the picture was made and originally distributed (including the sad tale of how it ended up in the public domain). Even the talking-head social-commentary parts aren’t too bad. Mildly amusing

Review – Outpost: Black Sun

Ever since I first saw Shock Waves, I’ve been keeping an eye out for a zombie SS storm-trooper movie that doesn’t suck. I don’t understand why this is such an impossible mark to hit. Zombies are scary. Nazis are evil. So why are Nazi zombies universally nothing but stupid and dull? It doesn’t help that they’re usually trying to kill characters that they can go ahead and eat as far as I’m concerned. In this go-around they’re even dumber than usual. Why would the Third Reich have wasted so many resources creating immortal, world-dominating creatures that couldn’t even pass their own rotten “mental hygiene” standards? The end clearly indicates that the producers were hoping for a sequel. Not me. See if desperate

Review – Zombie Lake

Ugh, what I won’t sit through just to get a movie that starts with Z. Imagine Shock Waves redone as one of those crappy Euro-softcore porn movies that Cinemax used to show late on Friday nights. If you want to watch a stupid zombie movie, the video world abounds in it. And if you need porn, they make this new thing called The Internet. The only thing this picture supplies that can’t be had in abundance elsewhere (thank you, movie gods) is a painfully corny soundtrack. At one point in the Netflix Instantview copy, the sound dies. Oh glorious respite! Unfortunately it comes back later. Additional crime against humanity: getting “Fire Lake” stuck in my head. Who wants to go to Zombie Lake? Seegah! Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies

This is the first time I’ve ever watched a mockbuster back to back with the movie it’s coat-tailing. Naturally the comparison isn’t favorable. Bill Oberst Jr. turns in a good performance as the title character (the President, not the walking dead). But against the tide of ill-conceived nonsense, the good parts don’t amount to much. Before the story runs its course, we get Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth, Teddy Roosevelt as a boy, and zombies that just sort of stand there waiting to be done in. Though I was pleasantly surprised by parts of the Hollywood take, this one was pretty much exactly what I expected. See if desperate

Review – Night of the Living Dead: Re-Animation

This is the second movie I watched today that wastes time making fun of Sarah Palin. And they both came out in 2012, long after she sunk into irrelevance (a state from which may she never emerge). Beyond that this is yet another unremarkable, dim-witted piece of zombie crap. See if desperate

Review – Resident Evil: Retribution

Writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson isn’t even pretending to make movies anymore. Mortal Kombat and even the first Resident Evil movie at least had some semblance of plot and character development. Several installments later, however, this is pure video game, a relentless march between zombie monster chase battles with little or no explanation for any of it. Even the dialogue and actors’ mannerisms reek of the stiff, awkward interactions in a game. Though I admit I found that charming in Hitman, here it grates. If you love watching someone else play a third person shooter, then prepare for 90 minutes of endless larfs. Otherwise play a game yourself or watch something else. See if desperate

Review – Dead Season

Ladies and gentlemen, here we have the cutting edge of horror filmmaking. The geniuses who cooked this up are truly the masters of innovation. They start with the premise that some calamity has brought the dead back to life as flesh-eating zombies, leaving a small band of survivors struggling to make their way in a dangerous new world. And to avoid the smothering influence of the studio system, they shot this on the cheap with bad production values, using their friends rather than professional actors. How did they ever come up with such a brilliant, creative movie? Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Exit Humanity

For some time I’d been tempted to give up on blends of the horror and Western genres. Then The Burrowers gave me reason to hope. Well, abandon that all ye who enter here. The filmmakers shot for a cross of The Outlaw Josey Wales and George Romero, but what they got was more Jonah Hex dumbed down into an idiot-with-a-camcorder zombie picture. Dee Wallace must be desperate for cash or simply doing someone a favor to show up in witless, low-budget gunk like this. See if desperate

Review – Resident Evil: Degeneration

I like cut scenes in videogames. They provide an opportunity to rest weary fingers, stand up, stretch, maybe even pause for something to eat (or at least a bathroom break). A good set of cut scenes can even weave an interesting plot into what might otherwise be a mindless shooter. But an hour and a half of cut-scene-worthy animation passed off as a movie? Nah, doesn’t work. See if desperate

Review – Uncle Sam

Yet again they've spent a chunk of change (not Hollywood blockbuster money but still not exactly cheap) to make a movie guaranteed to alienate just about every potential audience member. The body of a soldier killed in Kuwait is helpfully deposited in the living room of his widow's sister, where his nephew develops an unhealthy (could there be another kind?) obsession with opening the coffin. Once released from its box, the crispy zombie dons an Uncle Sam outfit and goes on a killing rampage. His targets: liberals of any kind. Draft dodgers. Sleazy politicians. Crooked lawyers. Flag burners. Dope smoking teens. He'll teach them not to hate America! Oh, but then it turns out that the zombie was a wife-beating asshole before he died (as opposed to the serial-killing zombie sweetheart he became after death). So this should appeal exclusively to the ultra-conservative, pro-spouse-abuse, pro-serial-killing zombie fans. If that's you, enjoy. Wish I'd skipped it