Quiz answers: Fireworks or Justified?

The fireworks are all shot. I’ve finally got the ash cleaned out of my hair and my left eye. The brush fire has been extinguished. So the final cap for the Independence Day holiday is to post the answers to the Fireworks or Justified quiz.

The first one was a giveaway, as it was both the first episode of the series and also a basic bit of pyrotechnics. The rest, on the other hand, were far trickier.

1. Fire in the Hole – Both

2. Missouri Kicker – Fireworks

3. Bad to the Bone – Fireworks

4. The Lord of War and Thunder – Justified

5. Shock and Awe – Fireworks

6. The Hammer – Justified

7. Cottonmouth – Justified

8. Total Blowout – Fireworks

9. Midnight Rider – Fireworks

10. Blaze of Glory – Justified

11. All Jacked Up – Fireworks

12. The Gunfighter – Justified


Hope you all had a great Fourth of July.

Quiz time! Fireworks or Justified?

Once again Independence Day is upon us, which means that it’s time for our annual fireworks quiz. This year’s challenge: fireworks or episode of Justified?

For those unfamiliar with the latter, Justified is a crime drama on FX. The 8sails staff got started watching it mostly because of the star, Timothy Olyphant. Who of course pretty much guaranteed that the show is known informally around the office as Not Deadwood.

The series follows the exploits of federal marshal Raylan Givens, a shoot-first-and-ask-questions-if-he-feels-like-it lawman who brings his particular brand of justice to Harlan County, Kentucky (locale of a famous documentary about the hard lives of coal miners). This testosterone festival is based on a short story by Elmore Leonard, who is also one of the show’s executive producers.

So it should surprise precisely nobody that the names of the episodes are typically bite-sized chunks of machismo that would be right at home on T-shirts from Labor Day in Sturgis. Or a Bob Seger greatest hits collection. Or fireworks.

Good luck!


1. Fire in the Hole

2. Missouri Kicker

3. Bad to the Bone

4. The Lord of War and Thunder

5. Shock and Awe

6. The Hammer

7. Cottonmouth

8. Total Blowout

9. Midnight Rider

10. Blaze of Glory

11. All Jacked Up

12. The Gunfighter

Ah, that’s more like it

For the last couple of entries I’ve been picking on our good friends at Chasing Fireflies for offering boys’ Halloween costumes that would most likely get your son’s ass beat by a bully. In the spirit of holiday cheer, objective fairness to the retailer and parents’ need for good advice as well as bad, here are some selections from the catalog that should safeguard your kid’s ass from potential beating.

Now this is a lot more like it. Scary costume = true spirit of the holiday. Plus if your son’s class is going to do a Halloween parade at a local rest home, there’s nothing the residents like better than the Grim Specter of Death (even a miniature version). 

Anything with a gun is a fairly safe bet.

“Astronaut” is a good blend of science nerd and macho man. Plus unlike Soldier, Cop or Cowboy, Astronaut has no Village People connection (not, mind you, that most 12-year-old bullies are likely to have heard of the Village People).

If your kid insists on going as a clown, this is a more ass-beating-safe option than more traditional Bozo suits. Here we have a solid blend of “whimsical” and “Juggalo.”

They also have Ace Frehley and Peter Criss, but Gene Simmons is your best bulwark against ass beating. No Paul Stanley, so if he’s your favorite member of KISS … well that’s just sad.

 

I’d maybe leave off the Super Mario moustache, but the rest of this should work. If nothing else, a bully might not want to risk a self-defense briefcase to the jaw.

Like astronauts, most superheroes are a nice blend of nerdy and tough. This Iron Man comes with extra weaponage, making it an excellent option.

I have no idea what this even is, but it looks badass.

“Robot” doesn’t automatically say “don’t beat my ass.” But this one looks enough like metal that a bully might fear bruising his knuckles. Plus those crab claws portend danger (though good luck to your kid trying to trick or treat with them).

Bully’s thought process: “Wow, that kid’s parents dressed him as a Speed Bump. They must hate him even more than my parents hate me. Maybe I’ll cut him some slack.”

Quiz answers - Bad Halloween costumes

Yeah, so it was a bit of a trick quiz. The short answer is “all of them.” The specifics:

The snake head is an excellent start, but problems crop up below the waistline. Despite evolving public opinion about sexual orientation, at this point it’s still a bad idea to send your son out in a dress.

 I am Poseidon, Lord of the Sea, King of Getting My Ass Beat

The ghost thing is a step in the right direction, but this execution isn’t exactly a ticket out of ass-beating land.

Even Hollywood has figured out that you pretty much have to dress Robin Hood in jeans and a T-shirt in order to keep him from looking like the Sheriff of Nottingham is going to beat his ass. If you want to do the outlaw thing, try “biker” rather than this.

“Behold, I am the Thief of Ass Beat!” Seriously, that sword isn’t fooling anyone.

Harry Potter and the Painful Ass Beating

 

Octopi rock. But this one’s just a little too glittery, and for those of us who remember the 70s it’s also too Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. Plus I think we already had the dress conversation.

Bully: “Quit molesting yourself! Quit molesting yourself!”

Traditional vampire = goth outsider = ass beating. However, if you have to do the vampire thing, this one is way better than …

This one actually has matching costumes for sister, Mom and Dad. So your entire family can experience the joy of getting your asses beat by a 12-year-old.

Quiz Time! Bad Halloween costumes

The first week of October means that the holiday season is once again upon us. And that means parents are searching for answers to the first of a long string of holiday-related questions: what are the kids going to dress as for Halloween?

Not being a parent myself (unless you count a couple of cats who would kill me if I tried to stuff them into costumes), I’m generally not much help with such issues. However, earlier this year the good folks at Chasing Fireflies were kind enough to send me an unsolicited costume catalog. And after going through it, I’ve actually come up with some input parents may find helpful.

First let me say that this company is staffed by nice people and offers a wide selection of Halloween-related merchandise that actually doesn’t suck. What concerns me, though, is the array of costumes for boys. Many of them are perfectly acceptable. But a handful … well, see if you can spot the problem.

Which of the following costumes are likely to buy your 10-year-old son an ass beating from a 12-year-old whose idea of a Halloween costume is a Knicks jersey?

Quiz answers - Fireworks or STD?

As promised, here are the answers to last week's quiz. If you haven't done the quiz yet, view the previous post before reading this one. Oh, and credit where credit is due: this website provided the slang.

Bees in a Thicket - Firework

 

Flap Dragon - STD

Jumping Bug - Fireworks

Blue Boars - STD

Fire Ship - STD

Hot Pot - Fireworks

Burner - STD

Nimgimmer - STD

Tonga Exotica - Fireworks

Autumn Drizzle - Fireworks

Crinkums - STD

Nutty Monkey - Fireworks

Cats in the Cupboard - Fireworks