Review – Princess of Mars

Okay, so this is actually a planet in another solar system somewhere, and the natives call it Barsoom. So why in particular does anyone call it Mars? It must just be a weak connection to the source novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs. John Carter (Antonio Sabato Jr.) is whisked away from his duties fighting terrorists and catapulted across the galaxy to a strange new world where the weaker gravity gives him super powers. The place is run by warring factions, one led by the title character (Traci Lords) and the other composed of guys who look like a cross between warthogs and spoiled artichokes. A big processing plant manufactures the planet’s air supply, so once humans and wartichokes finish battling bad CGI monsters they turn on each other over control of the factory. For the most part this is standard SyFy bad, but Lords adds an extra layer of awful with her apparent inability to master any emotion other than a scowl of mild frustration (though the horrifying rictus she uses for “happy” is enough to make one grateful for her usual emotionlessness). I don’t know if this set of Burroughs novels could be made into anything as successful as the Tarzan franchise, but even if they have potential it sure isn’t realized here. See if desperate