Review – Krampus Origins

This movie starts out stupid (WW1 battle taking place nearly a month after the war ended for no apparent reason) and goes downhill from there. Though I admit I’ve lost some of my once-formidable tolerance for amateur hour crap, I can still stomach bad production values if I’m at least given some semblance of a script. But the most unpardonable sin committed here is to slap the name “Krampus” on some shadowy, long-winded demon of the apocalypse that doesn’t even put in an actual appearance until the movie’s mostly over. The only thing this thing has in common with the popular Yuletide baddie is the presence of horns, and even those are part of its helmet rather than natural features. Mess with the horns, get the bull. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Man Who Invented Christmas

I’ve long thought of Charles Dickens as the Stephen King of the 19th century, especially when he spun ghost stories such as A Christmas Carol. Thus as often as I’ve sat through the latter author’s considerable supply of protagonists with writer’s block, experiencing that as a primary plot factor here wasn’t exactly welcome. Despite being considerably oversold by its own title, this is an amusing little fictionalization of the creation of Dickens’s holiday classic. But with this budget and cast – particularly Christopher Plummer as Scrooge in the author’s imagination – a better movie might have been made. Mildly amusing

Review – Batman: The Doom that Came to Gotham

As a longtime fan of “Yog Sothery,” I’ve come to accept the niche nature of the subgenre. So I found it strange when a series of Batman comics deconstructed familiar characters and settings with a Lovecraftian twist. And now it’s stranger still to see Warner make an animation out of it. The story gets off to a reasonably good start but then meanders considerably before concluding. In particular there seemed to be a lot of sudden realization that fan favorite villains hadn’t been worked in yet, resulting in a lot of go-nowhere subplots. Mildly amusing

Review – Love Has Won

This is what happens when McDonalds managers take ecstasy. It’s weird to see the philosophies, mannerisms and facial expressions of the Manson Family, People’s Temple and their ilk reflected in a cult that doesn’t kill anyone other than its own founder. Over the course of three episodes of this HBO docuseries, Amy Carlson (a.k.a. Mother God) assembles a collection of people approximately as broken as she is. The group’s live streaming and home remedies business supply its leader with enough colloidal silver to turn her skin blue and enough alcohol for her to drink herself to death. Needless to say, the final episode is hard to watch. Mildly amusing

Review – The Flash

Apparently stung by criticism that the DCEU was too dark, the folks who make these things have churned out another light comedy about a witless young guy with superpowers. As we’ve all come to expect from any franchise entry involving a multiverse, this is a lot of expensive effects and stunt casting without a lot of anything else. See if desperate

Review – The Nun 2

At this point I’m actually kind of impressed by the sincerity of the Conjuring universe’s belief that audiences will remember and care about the plot and character details from previous entries. Wrong on both counts in my case. Thus I had to content myself to let the intricacies of demonic possession wash over me while praying that none of it would be on a test later. See if desperate

Review – Evil Dead Rise

This seems to have been designed primarily to unseat Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive as the bloodiest movie ever made. The fact that Jackson’s entry was also released as Braindead should tell you most of what you need to know about its competitor. I guess it had an eerie moment or two, but for the most part it was a witless gorefest unworthy of the Evil Dead franchise. See if desperate

Review – Meg 2: The Trench

I wish I had a better understanding of the plot structures and other conventions of Chinese action movies. Like the original, this was fairly obviously made to screen on both sides of the Pacific without a lot of regional adjustment for either market. I guess the assumption was that Chinese audiences would expect silly characters and an episodic, fragmentary story, and US audiences wouldn’t care as long as they got plenty of giant sharks. If you liked the first one, well, they made you another one. See if desperate

Review – Shazam: Fury of the Gods

Other than a passing affection for the Saturday morning live action version from the mid 70s, I never thought much about Shazam as a kid. And other than the first movie in this set, I haven’t thought much about the character since. There’s just something about a child transformed into a superhero that seems aimed at an audience other than a guy in his 50s. Though I wasn’t surprised to find myself outside the target demographic, I was a little puzzled by the decision to spend the money to hire actual actors (Lucy Liu and Helen Mirren) to play the villains. Their performances notwithstanding, this is mostly effects-intensive goofiness. Mildly amusing

Review – MK Ultra

Watching this movie about cruel medical experiments actually feels like experiencing a cruel medical experiment. This nearly scriptless parade of patient abuse and sexual assault revels in ASMR noises and reaction shots. Honestly, the clips from old “educational” films are the best part of the production. I guess I can see why the filmmakers would take this approach – particularly in the absence of the budget required to make something better – but that does nothing to make this worth watching in any way. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Renfield

Back in the 1970s, there was a version of Transactional Analysis for just about everyone. Though I don’t remember TA for Vampires, I guess it’s better late than never. The title character (Nicholas Hoult) struggles to come to grips with his codependent relationship with his master (typically hammy Nicolas Cage). The result wavers between clever and annoying. I found it particularly interesting that the story seemed comic-book-inspired even though it wasn’t. Perhaps that’s just how Hollywood works now. Mildly amusing

Review – Memory: The Origins of Alien

Alien was one of my powerful movie obsessions when I was a kid, and it remains my favorite entry in the franchise (no disrespect intended to the first sequel). So a lot of the behind-the-scenes trivia was stuff I already knew. Still, it was fun to revisit some old memories, see the outtakes and cut scenes, and even learn a new thing or two. Fans should definitely give this a look, and even folks who aren’t passionate about the subject may nonetheless find this interesting. Mildly amusing

Review – The Making of The Blues Brothers

I have a real love-hate relationship with The Blues Brothers. Part of me still enjoys the jokes I thought were completely hysterical when I first saw it in 1980 (I was 14 at the time). But another part of me struggles to cope with its embodiment of white-centered media to “borrow” heavily from Black culture in general and music in particular. This documentary suffers from the same setbacks as its subject. It’s a great study of the people involved with the production and their experiences making the movie. But there still isn’t much critical thought to its more uncomfortable aspects. Mildly amusing

Review – The Entire History of Roman Britain

This documentary lives up to its name ably enough. And that’s a problem, because wow does the subject start to mash together after awhile. The familiar players – Julius Caesar, Boudica, Hadrian and a few others – are easy enough to tell apart. But a lot of the rest of the history blurs together into a parade of names that are super similar even when they aren’t actually identical (a common problem with a lot of Roman history). Blending notwithstanding, the filmmakers do a good job with the task at hand. Anyone with an interest in the subject should find this worth a look. Mildly amusing

Review – Halloween Home Haunts

This low budget documentary explores a range of homemade haunted house attractions from converted garages to semi-professional dark rides. The passion it takes to turn a passion for the holiday into an annual commitment of time, energy and no small amount of money is clearly evident in the interviews with the creators and the video of their creations. Mildly amusing

Review – The Haunted World of Edward D. Wood, Jr.

The more I learn about the subject of this documentary, the sadder it makes me. Wood himself seemed to want to make good movies despite being really bad at it, so mocking him leaves me uncomfortable. Further, his “haunted world” of friends and other associates includes a number of neurodivergent or otherwise vulnerable people who deserved neither to be exploited by Wood nor made fun of by us. To be fair, the filmmakers here do their best to keep things respectful. But that can’t allay the strong, lingering sense of “I’m sorry that happened to you” (except perhaps for the conservative businessmen Wood conned into financing some of his pictures). Mildly amusing

Review – You Don’t Nomi

As surprised as I am to find myself writing this, I would have preferred hearing from the fans of Showgirls rather than sitting through interviews with the people who made it. The production’s status as one of the worst movies ever made by a Hollywood studio isn’t seriously in dispute. And the issue of whether it was intended to be terrible or just came out that way isn’t all that interesting (not that this documentary manages to answer the question). I’ve seen it a couple of times, so I don’t need a plot summary or a reminder of which scenes are more embarrassing than others. Given what a loyal following it still has decades after its original release, the nature of its lingering appeal is more interesting than the movie itself. There’s some of that here, but not nearly enough. Mildly amusing

Review – Burial

The plot description blurb on Amazon Prime makes this sound like a battle between Soviet soldiers and shapeshifting monsters, which it isn’t. Instead, the “werewolves” are a band of Nazi sympathizers who keep fighting even after the war ends. The two groups contend over Hitler’s corpse, which the Russians are trying to sneak out of Germany and deliver to Stalin. This isn’t a bad movie, but more traditional werewolves would have been more fun. Mildly amusing

Review – Black Demon

It’s like they aren’t even trying anymore. Sure, it’s a giant extinct shark that’s also a Mesoamerican demon. But shouldn’t it also be a tornado, or part giant octopus, or at least radioactive? This thing’s barely powerful enough to keep an executive, his family and a couple of workers trapped on a decrepit oil rig for long enough to let them bicker extensively. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Sharksploitation

As the name implies, this documentary chronicles the decline and fall of the shark sub-genre from Hollywood blockbuster to high-band cable staple. I found the interviews with actual oceanographers fascinating, but the reminiscences from the directors of Syfy Channel schlockfests were less so. Students of mass media will likely find this a fascinating portrait of how something that makes money will inspire imitators and relentlessly devolve. Mildly amusing

Review – Jackass Forever

The usual suspects (plus or minus a few) are back to their old tricks. And at this point I sincerely mean “old.” Some of it’s funny. Some of it’s gross. Some of it is downright disturbing. In other words, familiar territory. Mildly amusing

Review – Mary Shelley

Here’s one of the most important authors of the 19th century yet again reduced to a soap opera version of her relationship with her husband and his creepy friends. With this cast and production budget, something better could have been made. See if desperate

Review – Children of the Corn (2023)

This production takes several huge risks, some of which pay off. The story starts before the town’s children go bad, which detracts from the power of the original short story and several of the movie versions. It also bets almost the whole farm on the performance of the lead evil kid. Fortunately 12-year-old Kate Moyer proves up to the task. Though not as creepy as the Isaac / Malachai combo from the original, her character is more multi-dimensional and has to carry more of the total screen time. Beyond her performance, however, this is an uninspiring gore fest. Mildly amusing

Posts on hold

I am temporarily halting my movie review posts until the WGA and SAG/AFTRA strikes are resolved. Once the strikes are over, I’ll review what I’ve been watching in the interim, back-dating them so I can keep track of what I watched when.

Review – Helter Skelter: An American Myth

If you ever wondered how long you could go on about Charles Manson without repeating yourself, part of the answer is officially “not six hours.” This docuseries features interviews with several people connected with the crimes, including some self-serving stuff from two or three former Family members. It also presents some interesting old footage from the era. But beyond that it doesn’t reveal much that isn’t old news to even the most casual student of Manson’s milieu (and probably of no interest to anyone else). Mildly amusing

Review – Anthropoid

Unlike the propaganda version made during the war, this story of the assassination of Reinhard Heydrich takes a grimly realistic approach to the subject. Thus it does a solid job of portraying the human cost of the plot, not only to the men who carried it out but also to the Czechs who were tortured and murdered in the wake of the butcher’s death. Cheerful viewing this isn’t, but it’s a good piece of history-based filmmaking. Worth seeing

Review – Brooklyn 45

The combination of the single room setting and dreadful dialogue make this production reek of a sophomore-level playwriting assignment. I was intrigued by the notion of a seance dredging up supernatural fallout from war crimes, but the premise is swiftly buried under a mountain of ill-conceived character motivations and a relentless stream of bickering. The inattention to detail is also nettlesome. For example, one of the characters committed an atrocity in Berlin during the war, but the US Army didn’t enter that city until after the war in Europe ended. The incident could easily have been located somewhere else in Germany, which showcases the sloppy approach to storytelling here. And though the cast is populated with some semi-familiar faces, almost all the actors are too old to have recently done military service. Maybe if it had been Brooklyn 65 instead? See if desperate

Review – Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

Why do D&D movies always have to be silly? Though I admit it’s been many a year since I’ve played, I remember game sessions as being more Lord of the Rings and less Monty Python. They seemed to be going out of their way to populate the story with the more absurd elements from the source material, including an owl bear and a gelatinous cube. The cast has talent (Hugh Grant notwithstanding), and they do what they can to work around a mediocre script and special effects that might have been impressive ten years ago. Mildly amusing

Review – Devotion

Planes. Male bonding. Planes. Anti-racist message. Planes. What more could you want from the story of Jesse Brown, Navy pilot and Korean War hero? I admit I tended to lose interest during the macho posturing stuff. But the action sequences were good, and the story of a Black aviator struggling to succeed in the US military sadly remains relevant. Mildly amusing

Review – Becoming Evil: Serial Killers of the Old West

This title caught my attention based on the implication that the documentary would focus on the lesser-known cases of 19th century American serial killers rather than the usual crew of famous outlaws. Imagine my disappointment when I found that the producers defined “serial killer” so loosely that it included the hackneyed cast of robbers and thugs who didn’t scruple at killing their victims. Even the subjects who killed people on impulse rather than for financial gain seemed to have anger management issues rather than a pathological compulsion to commit murder. So what we end up with is yet another tedious rehash of the careers of Billy the Kid, Jesse James and other all-too-familiar Western legends. To make matters worse, several of the experts interviewed for the documentary are spectacularly terrible storytellers. Throughout most of this movie I found myself pitying the hapless tourists who wander into the wrong roadside attraction and lose precious hours of their vacation time listening to these people rattle on. See if desperate

Review – Scream 6

Ghostface Takes Manhattan. At least this isn’t quite as stupid as its counterpart from the Friday the 13th franchise. As with previous entries in the set, most of the entertainment value in this production comes from gory death and preposterous plot twists. Again fans should find themselves well served. Mildly amusing

Review – Scream (2022)

I was curious to see how the franchise that brought meta horror to the big screen would fare in an age where pretty much everything is meta. Though obviously this isn’t innovative anymore, it at least remains entertaining. Fans of the series should enjoy the next generation returning to familiar territory, as well as some cast members from the original set coming back for another go-around. Mildly amusing

Review – No Time to Die

Looks like Daniel Craig and the Bond franchise may be done with each other, which is a good thing if this movie is where they were headed together. Plot and character development provide thin fabric for holding the action sequences together. As usual, the studio spent a lot of money on the production. But a little more time on the script might have helped. Mildly amusing

Review – Johnny Frank Garrett’s Last Word

I hated watching this movie come up short when the people who made it obviously worked so hard on it. Even when elements such as the quirky editing fail, at least they tried doing something creative. Setting the well-intentioned effort aside, this suffers from two fatal flaws. First, it’s the umpty-thousandth rehash of the executed-criminal-seeks-revenge-from-beyond-the-grave story. And worse, it applies this hackneyed plot to a real crime rather than keeping things strictly in the realm of fiction. Nice try, but nope. See if desperate

Review – The Battle of Chosin

I don’t suppose there’s ever been a happy battle where the weather was nice and everyone had a good time. But Chosin Reservoir most definitely wasn’t. Between the freezing cold and relentless attacks, all the marines and soldiers caught up in the fight should have gotten the Medal of Honor just for being there. This documentary would have benefitted a bit from interviews with North Korean and Chinese veterans, though perhaps that was outside the scope of an American Experience episode. Otherwise this is a reasonably comprehensive account of some miserably bad times. Mildly amusing

Review – Monarch

The final episode of The Tudors does roughly the same thing only in much more entertaining (not to mention shorter) fashion. Near the end of his opportunity to misuse the planet’s air supply, Henry VIII grumbles through plots against him and has imaginary conversations with his dead wives (all of whom are played by Jean Marsh). Though the IMDb notes are sparse on this one, I’d be greatly surprised to learn that it didn’t begin life as a stage production or at the very least find itself greatly influenced by theatrical conventions. See if desperate

Review – Side Effects

As medical thrillers go, this one wasn’t too bad. A psychiatrist (Jude Law) “consulting” for a pharmaceutical company prescribes a new antidepressant for a suicidal patient (Rooney Mara) with disastrous results. As the plot slowly thickens into a “wrong man” mystery, it picks up the unfortunate side effect of “you could have backed out of this at any time.” Despite some fairly obvious holes in the plot, the script is reasonably good and the execution well-crafted. Mildly amusing

Review – Jonestown: Paradise Lost

Reenactments combine with survivor interviews to play out the last five days in the existence of the People’s Temple. If you know nothing about what happened, you may find this fascinating. But as a viewer who already knows the morbid details of the mass murder and suicide, I’m far more interested in how the situation got to this point. In retrospect it’s so easy to see Jim Jones as a con artist and a psychopath. When interviewing the victims who managed to elude his homicidal fury, it would be far more fascinating to learn about how they fell under his influence to begin with rather than how they managed to scramble away when it all fell apart. Mildly amusing

Review – Solace

I wonder how many times Anthony Hopkins’s agent has heard “Oh goody, another role in a serial killer movie” from his client. This time around he’s an aging psychic working for the FBI to stop a younger psychic (Colin Farrell) from murdering people to spare them the agonies of terminal illness. Hard to tell if this is a message piece about the value of human life, a sermon about the evils of assisted suicide, or merely a scenery chewing competition between hero and villain. Mildly amusing

Review – Luther: The Fallen Sun

The story line here feels more like a season (or at least a multi-episode arc) rather than a stand-alone movie. If nothing else, the hero goes from hero cop to inmate in a blink-and-you-miss-it, poorly-assembled montage of news clips. Obviously at this point Idris Elba has the title character down pat, and Andy Serkis does a workmanlike job as the despicable villain. But once again the bad guy is just a little too despicable. Nothing that could possibly happen to him would be a balanced comeuppance after such a parade of atrocities. It doesn’t help that the whole thing depends on the hackneyed legend of live pay-per-view snuff sites. Mildly amusing

Review – 1899

The parallels between this and Lost are too self-conscious to ignore, right down to the over-stylized trick of starting episodes with close-ups of eyes. It’s a meandering steamship in the title year rather than a crashed airplane, but it’s still a set of disparate characters up against situations that appear to have been designed to flummox them. Considering how nonsensical and repetitive the action becomes, it’s a good thing this sticks with one season rather than stretching to six. See if desperate

Review – Boston Strangler (2023)

A chunk of this movie is a typical grim, poorly-lit, disgustingly voyeuristic retelling of an all-too-familiar serial killer’s tale. The new twist here is that the protagonists are Loretta McLaughlin (Keira Knightley) and Jean Cole (Carrie Coon), two newspaper reporters who battled early 60s sexism and the foot-dragging Boston Police Department to help uncover the Strangler’s identity and put a stop to his crimes. So a lot like Zodiac but with women in the lead. Mildly amusing

Review – Rango

The animation is good, especially for 2011. And normally I’d be a sucker for any story set in a world where small, anthropomorphic animals have made a town for themselves out of trash. But the “dumbass who lucks his way into becoming a hero” is just too hard for me to swallow. The cast includes a ton of familiar voices, including Johnny Depp as the title character, Ned Beatty as the main villain and Timothy Olyphant as a a thinly-veiled Clint Eastwood cameo. It’s also heavily peppered with blink-and-you-miss-it allusions to other movies. In more than one way this is an apt transition between Gore Verbinsky’s collaborations with Depp on the popular Pirates of the Caribbean movies and their disastrous turn in The Lone Ranger. Mildly amusing

Review – Valley of the Dead

This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed a very particular style of comedy used by European filmmakers trying to imitate horror movies from the United States. It’s somehow just off the mark enough that you wouldn’t mistake this for George Romero, but it’s entertaining nonetheless. I particularly enjoyed the Spanish Civil War as a backdrop for Nazi zombie-making experiments gone wrong. The ensemble of characters got a little too cozy with the fascist side for completely comfortable viewing, and the plot had several king-sized holes in it. But for a dumb dead movie, it was fun enough. Mildly amusing

Review – All Quiet on the Western Front (2022)

I’ve seen three or four screen adaptations of Erich Maria Remarque’s famous war-is-hell novel, but this is the first actual German production of the tale I’ve seen. So “war-is-hell” and “German” double down rather than cancelling out in the depression department. Gallows humor and brutally realistic depictions of trench warfare manage to sustain most of the running time. Worth seeing

Review – Morbius

Sony continues to cling to whatever parts of the Spider-Man franchise it still owns. Seeking to cure his life-long blood disorder, Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) instead manages to transform himself into a vampire. Plot’s okay. Effects are okay. A little hard on the animals, though. See if desperate

Review – The Social Dilemma

It still boggles my mind how swiftly social media have gone from virtually nonexistent to society-wrecking menace. This documentary divides its time between interviews with industry experts and a narrative drama about a fictional family struggling with the influence that algorithms have on their lives. I’ve also seen an “education” edit that’s approximately half the running time, sans drama and more or less just as effective. Worth seeing

Review – Minions: The Rise of Gru

Because you’d sell fewer tickets if it was called Gru and Maybe Some Minions? The pre-teen version of the antihero from the Despicable Me series seeks admission to his favorite supervillain team, and he doesn’t take rejection well. Sight gags. Rack music from the 70s. If you like the rest of these, then eh, why not? Mildly amusing

Review – Transylvania 6-5000

Literally everybody in this movie appears to be improving everything they do. And not in a Robert Altman slice-of-life way, either. More in a “let the actors make a giant mess so the movie will fail and turn into a big tax write-off” way. The result is a sloppy, amateurish mess, an assembly of sight gags so stupid that it’s almost literally unwatchable. And yet when I sit through crap like this, I can never quite shake the feeling that this is somebody’s favorite movie. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

This is super depressing, especially for an MCU entry. It both begins and ends with touching tributes to Chadwick Boseman. On the plus side, they’re oddly tasteful for a superhero movie. But they also serve as a potent reminder that the rest of the cast is stuck carrying on without him. Nor is that the only sad moment in the picture, though to avoid spoilers I’ll just leave that there. Letitia Wright and the rest of the cast do a solid job making the story work. And the plot carries on traditions from the first one, including a villain who actually kinda has a point. Mildly amusing

Review – A Chorus Line

I’ve never seen a live performance of the famous broadway production upon which this is based, so I can’t say how much of the awkwardness is inherent and how much can be blamed on director Richard Attenborough. Visually he’s clearly trying to out-Fosse Fosse, and it fails more often than it works. The characters and their stories are reasonably compelling, other than the mawkishly busted romance between the leads. However, it’s very much a creature of its time and place, a 1985 movie version of a 1975 Broadway musical about auditioning for a Broadway musical. Mildly amusing

Review – Leatherface

Add Lili Taylor to the list of award-winning actors whose agents need to be more diligent about screening for the words “Texas Chainsaw” in the job offer stack. This purports to be an origin story for the title character, though the production focuses most of its time on bet-you-didn’t-see-that-coming twists. The only reason I can see for sitting through this is if you have the “three-way sex with a rotting corpse” square on your horror movie bingo card. Oddly enough, it’s actually better than the last movie I saw from the same auteur duo. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Piranha 3DD

In answer to the “genital violence” question on DoesTheDogDie, someone wrote “piranha on the ding dong.” That five-word observation was more entertaining than the whole movie. Even the copious supply of outtakes during the end credits were more tightly plotted than the previous 90 minutes. If for some reason you hate David Hasselhoff and want to see him humiliate himself staggering around in a terrible low budget horror movie, here’s your chance. And if you’re a 12-year-old boy who craves random shots of bare boobs, well, they make this thing called the internet. This production serves no other function. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Strange World

I can only imagine what Uncle Walt would have thought of Disney making a pro-environment animation featuring an interracial couple and their gay son. They spent a lot of time and money on the animation, but the script is weak and the story consequently confusing. Though the movie is pleasant enough, I’m having trouble imagining it showing up as a ride in any of the theme parks anytime soon. Mildly amusing