Eight vampire movies that don’t suck

I might as well come out and say it now: I hate vampires. Can’t stand them. To put it succinctly, they suck.

The following is a summary of the case against them.

Charge #1: They’re neurotic. “Oooh, I can’t go outside during the day. I have to have dirt with me when I go to bed – in a coffin, of course – or I’ll never get to sleep. I object to religious iconography. I can’t stand garlic. I can’t stand water that’s been blessed. Mirrors make me uncomfortable. Sorry, but I’m on a special diet and I can’t eat the same food everyone else is eating.” These things are the Woody Allens of the monster world.

Charge #2: They’re lawyers. One near-universal failing of vampire movies – even the good ones – is that a big chunk of each plot is devoted to laying down the Vampire Rules. Sometimes the this-works-but-this-doesn't gets so complicated that it should be a whole class in law school. The good guys often have to waste half the picture figuring out what kills the bad guys. So not only are they neurotic as hell, but they make everyone in the movie into enablers.

Charge #3: They’re capitalists. Not for nothing is the vampire a frequent analogy employed against the system of surplus value. Actually the comparison isn’t fair to capitalists. They may suck blood, but at least part of the point behind their sucking is to turn around and re-invest. Vampires don’t even do that much.

Charge #4: They’re perverts. And not the fun kind, either. Their obsession with blood is fetishistic. They’d rather bite than actually have sex. Their inability to engage in actual intercourse is the only thing that saves them from being rapists in addition to being serial killers.

Charge #5: They’re glory hogs. Sure, they’re supposed to be the villains. But more often than not they vastly overshadow everyone else in the picture. Think about the original Dracula. Whose name comes to mind? I’m betting it isn’t Helen Chandler or David Manners. Maybe Dwight Frye. Outside chance for Edward Van Sloan. But we all know who the big name is. I don’t even have to type it.

Indeed, Hollywood seems to have given up on trying to make these evil bloodsuckers play the bad guys. Now the closest we come is a battle between evil and somewhat less evil. Vampires who are neurotic about their own neuroses. “Vegetarian” vampires. Yeesh.

Charge #6: They’re ubiquitous. Seems like for every non-vampire horror picture that gets produced, something like a dozen vampire movies hit the shelves. Can these things really be that popular? 

This last charge is the most damning. If they were easier to avoid, then those of us who don’t care for them could simply avoid them. But everywhere you turn in the horror world it’s vampire this and vampire that.

To be fair, they’ve got a couple of pluses. Female vampires stand at least a small chance of being strong, independent women. Of course they also stand a good chance of being the slaves of the most powerful male vampire in the vicinity. And if nothing else, at least vampires are a step up from torture porn.

And in that spirit, let’s acknowledge that at least some vampire movies don’t completely stink. For example:

Dracula (1931) – Bela Lugosi’s performance as the legendary Count is iconic, a must-see for vampire lovers and haters alike. The movie is rough, even amateurish by modern standards. Still, it’s worth it.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Francis Ford Coppola’s version, on the other hand, is a trash wallow. Between Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins, it’s a wonder there’s a splinter of scenery unchewed by the end. The gore is grand guignol. The sex is Cinemax After Dark. Still, there’s something goofy fun about it.

The Night Stalker – This one deserves accolades for spawning the Kolchak TV series, but it’s also a reasonably good vampire movie all by itself. Sure, it’s packed with clichés. But it mixes funny and scary in just the right amounts to make it work.

Let the Right One In – This is about as anti-vampire as a vampire can get. She’s a gender-nonconforming child rather than a male adult. To the extent she’s able, she victimizes only people who have it coming in some way (particularly witness the end). The production is Euro-arty, but even that’s a relief from Hollywood slick and Syfy cheap.

Martin – Another “nontraditional” take on the whole vampire thing. Martin’s uncle seems certain that Martin is a vampire, but the young man himself isn’t so sure. He doesn’t have fangs or sleep in a coffin or any of the rest of the typical trappings. Indeed, his fetish for extracting blood from unwilling victims exposes the unpleasant sexuality at the core of the myth. Also, this is low-budget, working-class Pittsburgh, not aristocratic Europe. Set it on its ear, and the vampire looks a little better.

Blade – For the most part this is even worse than most vampire movies. Not only do we get the Vampire Rules, but we also have a fresh set of Vampire Slayer Rules. Still, Wesley Snipes turns in a good performance. It’s nice to see someone besides a vampire as the main character of a vampire movie. And the ultra-choreographed, jump-cut, blood-soaked vampire club massacre at the start of the picture is a high point in the sub-genre. For what it’s worth, the train platform showdown in the third one in this series is also worth a quick look.

The Hunger – Novelist Whitley Strieber and director Tony Scott explore one of the obvious gaps in the wouldn’t-it-be-cool-to-be-a-vampire fascination: if you live forever, you get to watch everyone and everything around you die. The maybe-this-isn’t-so-cool-after-all aspect is offset by the fancy, oh-so-80s visual work (not to mention David Bowie in one of the starring roles).

Fright Night – Yes, this one’s very much about the Vampire Rules. On the other hand, it has a few solid shocks. It has a few good laughs. And best of all, it’s one of the few places where actual faith intrudes into a vampire drama. One of the Rules is that religious jim-jams don’t work by themselves, that only belief in what they stand for can subdue the forces of darkness.

And though none of his performances made this list, we owe a quick tip-of-the-hat to Christopher Lee. Lugosi set the stereotype, buy in many ways Lee was a better Dracula when he played the role for Hammer Studios productions.