Review – Conjurer

When I started watching this steaming pile of turds, I figured it would be just another run-of-the-mill, medium-budget horror picture. The production values and plot – young couple moves into house haunted by the spirit of a dead witch – were certainly well-suited to the merely mediocre. But then things go downhill swiftly. Lead actor Andrew Bowen is especially dreadful. Honestly, is this guy physically incapable of closing his mouth? His omnipresent, slack-jawed gape makes him look like he’s got the brains God gave a peanut and significantly detracts from his ability to portray any emotion more sophisticated than constipation. At least Dukes of Hazzard alum John Schneider can breathe easy. For once he’s no worse than the second most idiotic member of the cast. The thing that pushes it to sub-zero, however, is our old favorite: cruelty to animals. The evil presence – in the form of a crow – makes short work of the couple’s cute dog. In revenge, the guy sets a steel jaw trap for it and then brutally stabs it once he’s got it snared. Though I did go ahead and finish watching it, the stupid thing had worn out its welcome by then. Avoid at all costs