A couple of years ago, before I got distracted by imminent icy death, I was musing about Christmas specials. Though I managed to exhaust the list of stuff I loved, I still had a little farther to go. So if it ain’t out of keeping with the situation, here’s a list of eight I’d frankly prefer not to see again.
Special episodes – I suppose this is a natural enough inclination for writers (especially the folks working on sitcoms) every December: devote an episode to something with a Christmas theme. Odd that it works as seldom as it does. The Invader Zim Christmas special is an exception, but only because the fanatical little alien’s constant attempts to take over the planet are a good counterpoint to the usual holiday treacle. For a quick example, sample the lyrics to the show’s only musical number: “Bow down, bow down, before the power of Santa, or be crushed, be crushed, by his jolly boots of doom.”
Far more typical, however, is the dull flatness of the Christmas episode of WKRP in Cincinnati. Station owner Arthur Carlson is in a particularly stingy mood, but then he falls asleep and dreams that he’s visited by three successive cast members who show him how miserable the place would be without the show’s warm, family-like ensemble atmosphere. And as long as we’re on the subject of cheap Dickens reheats …
Any funky adaptation of A Christmas Carol – Producing a straight adaptation of this Christmas classic is an iffy proposition. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But nothing dooms a retelling of the tale faster than trying to jazz it up. I don’t want to see Scrooge recast as Mr. Magoo or Fonzie or the diva of the week. Bob Cratchet doesn’t need to be played by Micky Mouse or Kermit the Frog. As noted in the list of my eight favorite Christmas movies, I’ll carve a small exception for Scrooged. But everyone else needs to either do Dickens the way he wrote it or don’t bother doing it at all.
PBS Christmas concerts – Anyone who’s watched public television for more than a few minutes already knows that the sudden appearance of interesting shows on the PBS schedule is a sure-fire sign that they’re in the middle of a pledge drive. I guess I don’t blame them for pulling this stunt when people are naturally in a giving mood. On the other hand, it takes some impressive performances and transforms them into a balloon animal a bum brandishes at your kids in order to weasel you out of a little cash.
Sequels and match-ups – This is simply an extension of a society-wide weariness with such obvious, pandering attempts to make money. In this season of kindness and charity, who wants to be reminded that TV producers regard us all as sheep with credit cards?
Frosty the Snowman – There’s just something about Frosty that pisses me off. It might be the awful quality of the Rankin/Bass cell animation, which thoroughly lacks the charm of their model work. But I think the title character himself is more likely to blame. I can’t stand the Magical Dumbass character in any of its many guises. Innocent simplicity is praiseworthy. Willful stupidity, on the other hand, accounts for a lot of what’s wrong with the world. So conflating the two is unacceptable. Still, there’s one glimmer of hope here. The media typically force Black people into the Magical Dumbass role. Frosty’s about as non-black as you can get.
Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey – If you’ve never seen this particular “treat,” simply imagine the most miserable elements of Bambi (dead mother) and Dumbo (physical deformity as source of humiliation) combined into a single special. And what’s Nestor’s reward for enduring all the misery in his life? He gets to lug a pregnant woman around. I guess if she’s the Virgin Mary the hefty burden is a little easier to bear. But still.
The Little Drummer Boy – Somehow this song managed to escape mention in the list of Christmas carols I don’t like, a grave injustice considering just how bad this one is. Something about the minor key, the relentless, monotonous rhythm, or perhaps an ineffable awfulness. In any event, spinning it into a Christmas special just makes it worse. A grim little orphan with no talent other than beating a drum learns the true meaning of Christmas when he’s called upon to annoy the Christ Child. Only Jesus himself could find warmth or entertainment in the worst act of percussion since the “Drummer Boy” number from The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band.
Any Charlie Brown holiday special other than the original Christmas show – Like a particularly good firework, this was impressive the first time around, but after that it was just burned out. The Great Pumpkin mess is instructive. Linus’s constant harping about “the most sincere pumpkin patch” is cloying and dumb, almost as though they’re making fun of (or more likely trying ineffectively to exploit) the simple sentiment that made the Christmas special such a success.
But Halloween is a birthday present compared to Thanksgiving. I don’t know whom I want to punch more: Peppermint Patty for inviting herself and her friends over for a Thanksgiving meal or Charlie Brown for passive-aggressively allowing his dog to serve toast, popcorn and jelly beans for dinner. And did anyone else notice that Franklin has to sit Judas-like by himself on the side of the table opposite everyone else? The final icing on the cake is the lame speech Linus delivers about the first Thanksgiving. Luke Chapter Two it ain’t.
To make matters worse, in order to stretch the holiday merriment out to a full hour they’ve added a Peanuts recreation of the Pilgrims’ voyage to America and hardships upon arrival. The animation back in the 60s and 70s wasn’t great, but it was high-quality anime compared to the cheap-ass art in the sequel. Further, the story comes across visually and structurally as a Thanksgiving edition of the “Elbow Room” Schoolhouse Rocks.
I think they did something similar to extend the original Christmas special, but I’ve never been able to bear the thought of watching it.
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