Local news sucks. Though never a paragon of quality journalism, the local stuff is now sinking ever closer to total irrelevance. As a journalism professor, I should be fighting this trend. But no. “Go with the flow” is America’s 21st century catchphrase, and in the immortal words of the Eurythmics, “Who am I to disagree?”
In order to aid my professional colleagues in their transformation from semi-legitimate reporters to the boogen version of TMZ, I offer the following eight suggestions for new show segments:
Looky That There! – This part of the show will feature video of something blandly unusual, such as a cat wearing a bowtie or a kid in Malaysia smoking a cigar. And if you’re about to observe that they already do this kind of thing all the time, that’s true. But now they’ve got a name for it. They can further brand it by coming up with some graphics for the intro, and at the end everyone in the studio has to shout “looky that there!” just like hapless Red Lobster employees singing Happy Birthday to the matriarch of a pack of grinning yokels.
Oh No You Didn’t! – When things get dull, one of the anchors or other on-air folks can toss in a brief rant about their Tea Party political views. Or if they’re crunched for time, someone can just say a mild swear word apropos of nothing. Flash the “Oh no you didn’t!” super and get on with the show.
OMG Hairdo! – Start with a reporter who already suffers from unfortunate hairdo decision-making skills. Then make her stand outside for half an hour in high wind and/or heavy precipitation before going live to her for 30 seconds. This segment also comes with two companion pieces: “OMG Hat!” and “OMG Outfit!”
Noise Tube, You Has One! – In this segment the producer waits like a crouching spider until one of the on-air folks can no longer resist the urge to start yapping about his golf scores, newborn that cried all night or other irrelevant bit of personal information. Then he presses a button, and the audio is replaced by a string of cartoon noises (buzzers, springs, trombone slides, cricket chirps and the like). The noises stop when the news resumes.
Shame Shame Shame Shame Shame! – After reporting about some horrendous case of child abuse or whatever Mel Gibson’s done lately, the anchors cluck their tongues and mutter “shame shame shame shame shame” over and over while the word “shame” flashes on the screen in big, bright letters.
You Make a Better Door Than You Do a Window! – Hey, weather dork. Shut up about your golf scores and move the hell out of the middle of the screen so we can see the upcoming forecast on the graphic you’re currently blocking. Okay, that isn’t really a new segment. Just a small, treasured dream.
News Only Cute! – We report on upsetting world events. Then we show a parade of gooey baby pictures to celebrate the subjects’ first birthdays. Why not combine the two? The audio can still be the latest about natural disasters, crazed gunmen and the like. But at least give us gooey babies to look at while we’re hearing the bad stuff.
Pie! – This one starts out looking like an OMG Hairdo! segment, but then someone runs up behind the reporter and hits her in the face with a cream pie. Hilarity ensues. Far more entertaining than whatever story she was trying to report. This one will be extra fun because honestly it’s the only thing they aren’t already doing.
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