Once upon a time, broadcasters actually made a good-faith effort to make at least some children’s programming educational. Sure, they’d show a lot of Flintstones, but they wouldn’t try to pass it off as meeting the FCC’s educational programming mandate by teaching kids about life in caveman times.
Instead, the strategy was to show something good for kids, but only as a brief interlude between the sugary cartoons that formed the mainstay of Saturday morning programming. Thus Schoolhouse Rocks! was born.
These three-minute animated segments gently worked to teach parts of speech, multiplication tables, history, government and the like. In this task several were highly effective. Thus we pay tribute to an octet of cherished childhood memories and then pause to recognize a pair of less laudable moments.
The Preamble – I’ve long wondered (rhetorically, of course) why we drill the Pledge of Allegiance into kids’ heads and sing The Star Spangled Banner before ballgames and yet devote none of our group rote memorization time to the words of the Constitution, the document that actually makes the country what it is. Well, here’s a catchy little jingle to help remedy the situation. Sure, it’s missing four words. But it’s still a big step in the right direction.
I’m Just a Bill – Even all these years later I’m brought mindful of this song every time fate forces me to follow a piece of legislation. It actually manages to take some of the more complicated aspects of American government – including joint subcommittees – and break them down into a version that’s simple and easy to remember. The Simpsons once did a hilarious parody called “I’m an Amendment-to-Be,” but I assume it isn’t available online due to Fox’s aggressive opposition to Youtube sharing.
Interjections! – This part of speech is tailor-made for kids to love it, and this video takes full advantage of that appeal. Using situations that pre-teens will find hysterical, the song teaches us how to incorporate our emotional responses into a structure: “usually set apart from a sentence by an exclamation point or by a comma if the feeling’s not as strong” (try putting that thought to music and you’ll appreciate the art involved).
Four Legged Zoo – This one is the Cute Overload of Schoolhouse Rocks. I’m especially fond of the “here comes a baby buffalo” part. Aw!
Conjunction Junction – What’s your function? Conjunctions aren’t all that difficult to master, so the real attraction here is the music. It has a bluesy, swingy feel to it that makes it plain fun to listen to.
Figure Eight – The eerie, minor key song in this one still creeps me out a little. Further, eights are one of the two hardest parts of the multiplication table to memorize (seven being the other, and I don’t even remember the seven video from the series). On the other hand, given the site’s numerical theme I couldn’t possibly leave this one off the list.
No More Kings – The history segments tend to be the weak links in the series. Unlike multiplication tables, past events are often too complex and nuanced to condense down into three minutes’ worth of clever ditty. For example, the version of the American Revolution is so complicated that unless you already know the story it’s pretty much impossible to follow. On the other hand, if the tale doesn’t have to be any more complicated than “King George sucked,” that can be made to Schoolhouse Rock. If nothing else, the song leaves no question about the fairness of taxation without representation.
Three Is a Magic Number – I can’t listen to this one without hearing the lyrics to De La Soul’s “Magic Number.” But the original is also quite good in its own right. It’s minor key soothing without being “Figure Eight” creepy.
Though I hate to end this loving tribute on a down note, the brutal truth is that not all of the Schoolhouse Rocks! segments were great. Many of them were unmemorable for one reason or another. But two stand out as genuinely dreadful.
Elbow Room – Manifest Destiny the Happy Musical Number? You’ve gotta be kidding. I’m particularly fond of the tie-in with the space program at the end, suggesting that we still may not be over this immoral relic from our past. People of the Moon, do not trust the white man! He has come to steal your land!
The Great American Melting Pot – This one’s a teeny bit more ethnically sensitive, but it’s still intensely Eurocentric. The Ellis Island idyll reminds me of the time back in college when my friend Steve and I were in a film class where the teacher was getting ready to show a weird documentary about Ellis Island. “You should pay attention to this,” she chided. “Your relatives probably passed through here at one point.” Steve, who is African American, whispered “Mine didn’t.”
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