Review – The Fisher King

The thing that stood out for me the first time I saw this movie – and which lingers still upon recent re-watch – is that it isn’t at all what I thought it would be. From Terry Gilliam I expected something way more Gilliam-y, with more animation and intrusive art direction. His signature touches crop up here and there – such as the Red Knight sequences – but for the most part the storytelling is straightforward. Likewise I expected Robin Williams to be his usual, annoying self. To be sure, his manic antics aren’t entirely absent from the production. However, his performance is subdued compared to his usual shtick. And even when he does turn frantic at least it fits with the character he plays: a mentally-ill homeless man searching for the Holy Grail in New York City. The result is a successfully quirky little romantic comedy that’s way more entertaining than it should have been. Worth seeing

Review – The Devil Within Her

The DirecTV program guide describes this movie as “A British nun performs an exorcism on her sister-in-law’s vicious baby, cursed by a dancing dwarf.” Toss Joan Collins in as the mom, and you’ve already got a vivid picture of what’s in store for you here. Director Paul Sasdy appears to be one of those guys who has no idea of proper pacing, allowing scenes (especially those with annoyances such as ringing phones and crying babies) to go on well beyond their value to the plot. Also released under the title Sharon’s Baby, no doubt to exploit plot similarities with Rosemary’s Baby. See if desperate

Review – The House of Usher (2006)

Like your Poe reheats on the dull and mopey side? Then this one should suit you. Or if you feel a deep-seated need to repeatedly see actress Izabella Miko in her skivvies, this is your lucky day. Otherwise this is a missable experience. The production adds some unwelcome embroidery such as a sinister caretaker, but for the most part it’s a meandering modern reinvention of the classic tale. See if desperate

Review – Edward Scissorhands

I don’t know Tim Burton personally, but if were to guess based on his body of work, I’d say that this is his most intensely personal movie. It’s the clearest expression of his outsider-trying-to-cope theme, strongly encouraging us to cheer as the mid-century suburbs are transformed by the protagonist’s strange artistic vision. A housewife (Dianne Wiest) visits the local “haunted” castle and finds it inhabited by a mad scientist’s final creation (Johnny Depp), a nearly-complete Frankenstein’s monster with scissors for hands. Feeling sorry for the poor creature, she takes him home to meet the family, where he falls in love with the teenage daughter (Winona Ryder). At first his talents with topiary and hairdos makes him a minor celebrity, but then things start to unravel. The production is stiff and self-conscious in some spots, melodramatic in others. But overall it’s a fine example of a talented director at work. Mildly amusing

Review – Devil's Mercy

Which evidently isn’t much mercy at all. A young couple and their son move into an old house they’re sharing with a weird old guy (Stephen Rea) and his “niece.” Turns out that the creepy duo are witches trying to set up a sacrifice so they can … oh, does it really matter? This is one of those productions that manipulates the plot to keep things from happening, presumably out of an obligation to make 15 minutes worth of story occupy 90 minutes worth of video. See if desperate

Review – Planet 51

After the pleasant surprise of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, I thought I’d risk another kid-oriented animation. Guess I pushed my luck a little too far. This turned out to be a run-of-the-mill piece of kiddie corn. An astronaut from Earth gets a xenophobic reception after landing on a planet inhabited by green people stuck in the 1950s. Like Meatballs, this show bets the farm on the quirkiness of the premise and the cleverness of the gags. Unlike Meatballs, here it doesn’t work. Mildly amusing

Review – White Noise 2: The Light

This go-around has a bit more standard ghost story and at least slightly less random staring at static-filled TV screens. After an NDE, a man (Nathan Fillion) who recently lost his wife and son finds himself able to see dead people. He can also see strong auras coming off people who are about to die. But when he starts trying to save folks – particularly the nurse (Katee Sackhoff) who took care of him in the hospital – from imminent doom, things take a turn for the evil. For a sequel to a movie that wasn’t all that great, this wasn’t too bad. Production values are reasonably good, and the script is acceptable in a low-commitment horror movie sort of way. Mildly amusing

Review – Once Bitten

Half this picture is a mediocre reheat of Love at First Bite except with a female vampire (Lauren Hutton). The other half is even worse. What could be worse than gender-reversed leftovers? How about a stupid 80s teen romantic comedy starring a young Jim Carrey? Cleavon Little is vaguely entertaining as the bloodsucker’s stereotypically-flamboyant chauffeur, but otherwise the production is devoid of redeeming moments. See if desperate

Abandoned – Lord Jim

Insanely boring. A shame, too. I remember liking the book.

Review – The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes

The capsule description on the DirecTV guide made it sound like this production was going to directly confront the ambiguously gay nature of the relationship between Holmes and Watson. The picture does tiptoe around the issue, but apparently way back in 1970 it was still too early for a genuinely frank consideration. Homosexuality aside, the movie turns out to be something of a mess. Director Billy Wilder’s original cut was nearly double the running time of the version released by the suddenly-epic-shy studio. What remains is a cluttered tale of spies, little people, monks and so on. We even get a taste of the Loch Ness Monster. Thus the tale lacks the simple elegance of Doyle’s stories and many of the more successful pictures based thereon. Mildly amusing

Review – Deadline (2009)

So “horror movie” minus “horror” equals “taut psychological thriller”? Recalculate, please. I think you’ll find the correct answer is “boring.” Seriously, the scariest thing in this picture is wan, lackluster Brittany Murphy in one of her last roles. She plays a depressed author with writer’s block (always a bad sign) who sets up shop in a big, spooky house in the country in part to un-block herself and in part to avoid her malicious ex who’s just gotten out of prison. Naturally the place is haunted, but the ghosts’ overtures – knocking over a chair, leaving a tap on – are so phenomenally ordinary that they wear out their welcome before they get around to doing anything worth looking at. The main haint turns out to be a previous occupant of the house, a woman (Thora Birch) who ran afoul of her obsessive husband. This is one of those movies that take every predictable turn. See if desperate

My eight favorite Schoolhouse Rocks!

Once upon a time, broadcasters actually made a good-faith effort to make at least some children’s programming educational. Sure, they’d show a lot of Flintstones, but they wouldn’t try to pass it off as meeting the FCC’s educational programming mandate by teaching kids about life in caveman times.

Instead, the strategy was to show something good for kids, but only as a brief interlude between the sugary cartoons that formed the mainstay of Saturday morning programming. Thus Schoolhouse Rocks! was born.

These three-minute animated segments gently worked to teach parts of speech, multiplication tables, history, government and the like. In this task several were highly effective. Thus we pay tribute to an octet of cherished childhood memories and then pause to recognize a pair of less laudable moments.

 

The Preamble – I’ve long wondered (rhetorically, of course) why we drill the Pledge of Allegiance into kids’ heads and sing The Star Spangled Banner before ballgames and yet devote none of our group rote memorization time to the words of the Constitution, the document that actually makes the country what it is. Well, here’s a catchy little jingle to help remedy the situation. Sure, it’s missing four words. But it’s still a big step in the right direction.

I’m Just a Bill – Even all these years later I’m brought mindful of this song every time fate forces me to follow a piece of legislation. It actually manages to take some of the more complicated aspects of American government – including joint subcommittees – and break them down into a version that’s simple and easy to remember. The Simpsons once did a hilarious parody called “I’m an Amendment-to-Be,” but I assume it isn’t available online due to Fox’s aggressive opposition to Youtube sharing.

Interjections! – This part of speech is tailor-made for kids to love it, and this video takes full advantage of that appeal. Using situations that pre-teens will find hysterical, the song teaches us how to incorporate our emotional responses into a structure: “usually set apart from a sentence by an exclamation point or by a comma if the feeling’s not as strong” (try putting that thought to music and you’ll appreciate the art involved).

Four Legged Zoo – This one is the Cute Overload of Schoolhouse Rocks. I’m especially fond of the “here comes a baby buffalo” part. Aw!

Conjunction Junction – What’s your function? Conjunctions aren’t all that difficult to master, so the real attraction here is the music. It has a bluesy, swingy feel to it that makes it plain fun to listen to.

Figure Eight – The eerie, minor key song in this one still creeps me out a little. Further, eights are one of the two hardest parts of the multiplication table to memorize (seven being the other, and I don’t even remember the seven video from the series). On the other hand, given the site’s numerical theme I couldn’t possibly leave this one off the list.

No More Kings – The history segments tend to be the weak links in the series. Unlike multiplication tables, past events are often too complex and nuanced to condense down into three minutes’ worth of clever ditty. For example, the version of the American Revolution is so complicated that unless you already know the story it’s pretty much impossible to follow. On the other hand, if the tale doesn’t have to be any more complicated than “King George sucked,” that can be made to Schoolhouse Rock. If nothing else, the song leaves no question about the fairness of taxation without representation.

Three Is a Magic Number – I can’t listen to this one without hearing the lyrics to De La Soul’s “Magic Number.” But the original is also quite good in its own right. It’s minor key soothing without being “Figure Eight” creepy.

Though I hate to end this loving tribute on a down note, the brutal truth is that not all of the Schoolhouse Rocks! segments were great. Many of them were unmemorable for one reason or another. But two stand out as genuinely dreadful.

Elbow Room – Manifest Destiny the Happy Musical Number? You’ve gotta be kidding. I’m particularly fond of the tie-in with the space program at the end, suggesting that we still may not be over this immoral relic from our past. People of the Moon, do not trust the white man! He has come to steal your land!

The Great American Melting Pot – This one’s a teeny bit more ethnically sensitive, but it’s still intensely Eurocentric. The Ellis Island idyll reminds me of the time back in college when my friend Steve and I were in a film class where the teacher was getting ready to show a weird documentary about Ellis Island. “You should pay attention to this,” she chided. “Your relatives probably passed through here at one point.” Steve, who is African American, whispered “Mine didn’t.”

Review – Year One

Imagine that Life of Brian had a twin brother, only the twin was born “differently abled” so his cruel parents dressed him in a potato sack, locked him in the attic and gave him nothing but gruel to eat. The result is an awkward, dumb shadow that shares some elements – particularly deconstructing the Bible for comedic purposes – with its sibling but otherwise borders on unwatchable. Two bumbling idiots (Jack Black and Michael Cera) get expelled from their caveman tribe and wander into the wide world, where they encounter several characters and situations from Genesis. Every once in awhile the picture musters something bush-leagues clever, such as the argument between Cain and Abel prior to the notorious deed. But overall this is too intensely Jack-Black-y for my taste. See if desperate

Review – Bogus

A kid (Haley Joel Osment) loses his mom in a car wreck and has to go live with his mom’s childhood friend (Whoopi Goldberg), a situation complicated by the tyke’s imaginary friend, a Frenchman named Bogus (Gerard Depardieu). This raises an obvious question: is the worst thing that can happen to you as a kid a.) losing your mom in a car wreck, b.) being adopted by Whoopi Goldberg or c.) being stuck with Gerard Depardieu as an imaginary friend? Naturally this turns out to be a cliché-ridden pile of “inner child” drivel, incompetently scripted and indifferently acted. The big mistake here is betting the farm on “poignant” and then failing to pull it off. See if desperate

Review – The Apple Dumpling Gang

Did you ever notice how Germans don’t do much in the comedy realm, and yet just about anything translated into German immediately becomes funny? For example, in English this picture is the evil opposite of amusing, but transform it into Das Apfelstrudelgruppen and it’s the height of hilarity. I vaguely remember seeing this in a theater when it was first released in 1975, and even back then – I was nine at the time – I thought it was stupid. So even though usually I’d partially defend a picture like this by pointing out that I’m not exactly a member of the target audience and thus not in the best position to judge its intended appeal, with this stinker I think it’s safe to say that it just stinks. Disney cranked out boxcars full of dreadful little live-action pictures in the early 70s, and this one is distinguished from most of the rest only by its western setting. A gambler (Bill Bixby) ends up stuck with three troublemaking orphans who find a gold nugget that two bungling robbers (Don Knotts and Tim Conway) try to steal, and … wait, I lost most of you by mentioning Knotts and Conway, didn’t I? See if desperate

Abandoned – Ripper 2: Letters from Within

I recorded this from Chiller and noticed right away that the story seemed to depend a great deal on nudity that was being blurred or otherwise excised. Though it wasn’t shaping up to be a cinematic masterpiece anyway, the bowdlerized version ran profoundly afoul of the 8sails rule against reviewing censored material. Perhaps if I run across an uncut version someday I’ll watch it. Or then again, maybe not.

Review – Mary, Queen of Scots

After sitting through a slew of Tudor-centric productions, I got this from Netflix hoping for an alternate point of view. So I was dismayed in no small measure when half of this production turned out to be yet another version of the Elizabeth Show. Not surprisingly, the picture focuses on the power struggles between Mary (Vanessa Redgrave) and Elizabeth (Glenda Jackson). Unfortunately, most of the drama is Shakespeare boring without being Shakespeare brilliant. Mildly amusing

Review – The Human Behavior Experiments

Technically this isn’t long enough to count as a movie for 8sails review purposes, but it’s interesting enough that I wanted to say a word or two about it. This documentary combines footage of famous social psychology experiments with more modern incidents such as fraternity hazing deaths and the Abu Ghraib debacle. The results of the old, ethically-questionable experiments have much to teach us about how people behave in groups, particularly under pressure. Like every other former Psych 101 student, I’d read about the work of folks such as Milgram and Zimbardo, but actually seeing the tests in progress was something else, particularly when combined with interviews with some of the participants. Worth seeing

Review – Hellementary

Once again the low budget horror movie cookie cutter carves out another unpalatable “treat.” College students break into an abandoned school haunted by the memory of a tragic slaying and by the evil ghost that committed the crime. If the story ever had a chance to not suck, it swiftly disappears under a wave of awful writing and amateurish acting. See if desperate

Review – Touch of Evil

Though this Orson Welles picture is the darling of noir fans everywhere, it isn’t without its faults. In towns on either side of the border between the United States and Mexico, a Mexican cop (Charlton Heston, yes, you read that correctly) does battle with a dangerously corrupt U.S. counterpart (an old, corpulent Welles). Technically the movie is quite good, particularly the lighting and cinematography. On the other hand, the story tends to wander here and there, stringing together episodes rather than functioning as a cohesive plot. Mildly amusing

Review – The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Heath Ledger turns in his final performance in this arty mess directed by Terry Gilliam. Not for the first time in Gilliam’s career, his visual sense is impressive but his use of script and actors genuinely disappointing. A man with amnesia (Ledger, and later Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Ferrell stepping in to help finish the picture) joins a bizarre theatrical troop with a travelling stage that includes a mirror portal to another dimension. The whole mess turns out to be a Kevin-Smith-worthy conflict between God (Christopher Plummer) and the Devil (Tom Waits). Though the visuals are usually clever and sometimes downright impressive, unfortunately they’re all there is to it. See if desperate

Review – Bedtime Stories

As this was supposed to be a family-oriented picture, I was on the edge of my seat until I was reasonably sure it wouldn’t turn out to be as offensive as previous Adam Sandler effort You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Though it was nowhere near as disgusting, unfortunately it was every bit as dumb. Sandler plays a ne’er-do-well stuck babysitting his niece and nephew. Miraculously the events they describe while making up bedtime stories actually come to pass the next day, at least after a fashion. Sitcom-worthy hilarity ensues. Mildly amusing

Review – 1492: Conquest of Paradise

Once again one of the Scott brothers proves adept at generating a substance-free movie full of pretty pictures. I’m a little surprised it’s Ridley rather than Tony, but they’ve both contributed their share to the catalog of boring spectacles. Gerard Depardieu turns in a bloated performance as the lead character suggested by the title. The story is superior to an elementary school lesson about Columbus in that it devotes time to his difficulties trying to get financing for his expedition, and the back half of the picture focuses on the rapid descent from the noble impulse to explore to the crass desire to exploit. Sadly, the production falls victim to many of the same faults that bedeviled Terrence Malick’s The New World. Mildly amusing

Abandoned – The Men Who Stare At Goats

Animal cruelty, general pretentious stupidity.

Review – Dungeons and Dragons: The Wrath of the Dragon God

Picture a movie with “Dungeons and Dragons” in the title showing on SyFy and you’ve got the picture just as clearly as if you actually sat through it. Sadly the plot and characters are straight out of a session of the eponymous role playing game run by a bad Dungeon Master. The action meanders from encounter to encounter with stock monsters and other bad guys, battles strung together at random like a bead bracelet put together by a five-year-old. I could practically feel the dice in my hand as I watched. See if desperate

Review – Stay Tuned

With all the clever little inside jokes I figured this would be a movie by Chris Columbus or Joe Dante, so I was a little surprised to learn that Peter Hyams directed it. An underemployed couch potato (John Ritter) and his successful executive wife (Pam Dawber) get sucked into a strange version of hell where they find themselves trapped in evil parodies of popular TV shows. A lot of it is highly dated, mocking shows that have been off the air long enough to be largely forgotten. However, it has a moment or two. My favorite was the part in which the hapless couple is transformed into cartoon mice, complete with animation supervised by Chuck Jones. Too bad the movie didn’t feature more stuff like that and less mediocre sitcom silliness. Mildly amusing

TMZ for boogens

Local news sucks. Though never a paragon of quality journalism, the local stuff is now sinking ever closer to total irrelevance. As a journalism professor, I should be fighting this trend. But no. “Go with the flow” is America’s 21st century catchphrase, and in the immortal words of the Eurythmics, “Who am I to disagree?”

In order to aid my professional colleagues in their transformation from semi-legitimate reporters to the boogen version of TMZ, I offer the following eight suggestions for new show segments:

Looky That There! – This part of the show will feature video of something blandly unusual, such as a cat wearing a bowtie or a kid in Malaysia smoking a cigar. And if you’re about to observe that they already do this kind of thing all the time, that’s true. But now they’ve got a name for it. They can further brand it by coming up with some graphics for the intro, and at the end everyone in the studio has to shout “looky that there!” just like hapless Red Lobster employees singing Happy Birthday to the matriarch of a pack of grinning yokels.

Oh No You Didn’t! – When things get dull, one of the anchors or other on-air folks can toss in a brief rant about their Tea Party political views. Or if they’re crunched for time, someone can just say a mild swear word apropos of nothing. Flash the “Oh no you didn’t!” super and get on with the show.

OMG Hairdo! – Start with a reporter who already suffers from unfortunate hairdo decision-making skills. Then make her stand outside for half an hour in high wind and/or heavy precipitation before going live to her for 30 seconds. This segment also comes with two companion pieces: “OMG Hat!” and “OMG Outfit!”

Noise Tube, You Has One! – In this segment the producer waits like a crouching spider until one of the on-air folks can no longer resist the urge to start yapping about his golf scores, newborn that cried all night or other irrelevant bit of personal information. Then he presses a button, and the audio is replaced by a string of cartoon noises (buzzers, springs, trombone slides, cricket chirps and the like). The noises stop when the news resumes.

Shame Shame Shame Shame Shame! – After reporting about some horrendous case of child abuse or whatever Mel Gibson’s done lately, the anchors cluck their tongues and mutter “shame shame shame shame shame” over and over while the word “shame” flashes on the screen in big, bright letters.

You Make a Better Door Than You Do a Window! – Hey, weather dork. Shut up about your golf scores and move the hell out of the middle of the screen so we can see the upcoming forecast on the graphic you’re currently blocking. Okay, that isn’t really a new segment. Just a small, treasured dream.

News Only Cute! – We report on upsetting world events. Then we show a parade of gooey baby pictures to celebrate the subjects’ first birthdays. Why not combine the two? The audio can still be the latest about natural disasters, crazed gunmen and the like. But at least give us gooey babies to look at while we’re hearing the bad stuff.

Pie! – This one starts out looking like an OMG Hairdo! segment, but then someone runs up behind the reporter and hits her in the face with a cream pie. Hilarity ensues. Far more entertaining than whatever story she was trying to report. This one will be extra fun because honestly it’s the only thing they aren’t already doing.

Review – He Who Gets Slapped

Though not strictly speaking a horror movie, this Lon Chaney silent feature is in many ways spookier than a lot of his genre stuff. He plays a scientist driven mad by the betrayal of his wealthy sponsor who takes credit for his work and – insult to injury – runs off with his wife. Abandoning the world of research, our hero becomes a circus clown specializing in a masochistic act in which all the other clowns in the circus – and this thing has a battalion of them – slap him repeatedly. When his betrayer shows up in the audience things really start to turn creepy. The production puts some then-state-of-the-art effects to good use, but the acting really carries the day. This is the first movie ever shot by MGM, though not the first released by the studio. Mildly amusing

Review – Rambo 3

Being the dumbest installment in the Rambo series is quite a distinction. This picture earns the title by leaping into the Reagan Era Paranoia tank and swimming all the way to the bottom. One expects a certain amount of single mindedness from a war movie, but this dumb little tale of valiant Rambo’s attempts to rescue his old buddy Col. Troutman from the evil Soviet aggressors abuses the privilege. Perhaps the chief fault is that it openly acknowledges the parallels between the Russian misadventure in Afghanistan and U.S. problem in Vietnam a decade or two earlier, recognizing both as a futile waste of life while pushing doggedly onward nonetheless. I was also put off by the tautological combat zen of our hero’s motivation: he fights wars because he is meant to fight wars. As an action movie stuffed with plenty of big explosions and violent death, it meets the basic requirements. Otherwise it does little to justify its existence. See if desperate

Review – In Cold Blood (1996)

No matter how many different versions they make of this story, the thing that still stands out the most is just how sad and dumb the whole crime was. This two-part production lacks the style of the 1967 version and certainly doesn’t come close to Truman Capote’s book. However, for a made-for-TV production this could have been considerably worse. The cast does an earnest job in their parts, with Eric Roberts taking a surprisingly good turn as Perry Smith. His portrayal of Smith’s limp makes him look like he has to pee, but otherwise his performance was effective. Though generally run-of-the-mill, it has a few chilling moments. Mildly amusing