I’ve done a number of lists (12 as of this writing) praising some of our favorite pieces of cinema art. However, the time has come to recognize that the movie industry is also capable of producing works that land squarely at the opposite end of the spectrum. Over the years I’ve sat through a lot of movies that didn’t justify the time it took to watch them, let alone the effort and expense required to create them. Many times I’ve wished to have my money and the last hour and a half of my life refunded. But only rarely have productions been so terrible that they left me longing for the ability to erase from my brain the memory of seeing them.
My custom is to end messages (particularly updates) with “Enjoy!” No such cheery conclusion here. “Avoid!” would be more apt, or if you’re tough enough to take on any one of these stinkers (let alone all eight), then “Endure!”
Armageddon – This picture is a perfect storm combination of two of Hollywood’s most hateful tricks: endless complications and Bruce Willis. On the first count, this thing drags on past two and a half hours by throwing monkey wrench after monkey wrench into the plot. It’s Murphy’s Law taken to a horrible extreme, with so many things going wrong that by the end it’s impossible to believe in or care about anything going right. And on the second count, in this movie Willis is at his most Willis-y. The man has made quite a career out of giving hope to knuckle-dragging, beer-swilling mooks everywhere by playing knuckle-dragging, beer-swilling mooks who turn out to be action heroes who save the planet (here literally). I can’t tell you how little comfort I take in the suggestion that if the Earth were about to be destroyed by a giant rock that Willis would be our last line of defense against it.
The Cat in the Hat – Under most circumstances I have trouble using the word “desecration” to refer to something bad being done to a work of art. The term implies that the target is sacred, and I think it’s inappropriate to worship art no matter how beautiful it is. This movie, however, is an act of desecration. I was never even all that big a fan of the book version of the Cat when I was a kid. Still, I hated watching Mike Myers’s stupid, nasty, vulgar comedy “styling” turned loose on an innocent, whimsical childhood classic.
Halloween (2007) – At least John Carpenter’s original wasn’t a beloved piece of children’s literature. Still, Rob Zombie applies his reverse Midas touch and turns a good horror movie into a relentless parade of vile filth. Though I’m sure vile filth fans everywhere rejoiced, for the rest of humanity this was a giant leap backward.
Food of the Gods – I don’t mind the fakest giant chicken head ever recorded on film. I don’t mind Marjoe Gortner. I’m even willing to sit through the trampling of the works of H.G. Wells; goodness knows I’ve seen The War of the Worlds take a pummeling or two. But I see no reason why any living creature should have to die in pain just so trash like this could get made.
Untraceable – Despite a medium-sized budget, this thing does nothing but artlessly surf the torture porn wave. The opening sequence tortures a kitten to death, and things just go from there.
Meet the Feebles – He’s an epic movie director now, but Peter Jackson got his start by packing as much horribleness into his pictures as possible. However, he lacked the panache that John Waters once brought to this approach. While Waters took garbage and turned it into art, Jackson took garbage and turned it into garbage. This production is a case in point.
Pet Sematary 2 – As noted in the introduction to my movie reviews, I don’t have a lot of tolerance for violence aimed at animals or kids. The first Pet Sematary movie violated this rule with abandon, but at least it had a plot, a purpose and a Ramones song or two. This one is the worst parts of number one stretched out to the length of the entire picture, making it a nearly unendurable torment to watch.
Toys – I admit to having a special dislike of this movie for personal reasons: after seeing it in a theater, my friends and I emerged to find that the entire city had been coated by a massive ice storm. On our way home we got stuck behind a wall of stopped semis and had to spend the whole night on the highway. Sure, the ice wasn’t the movie’s fault. But it was a perfect complement to the awfulness of the production. Some of the Magritte-inspired art direction was okay, but the rest of it was stupid, mean-spirited dreadfulness. Even babies hate it. Though I wanted to have a review for every picture on the list, I simply couldn’t make myself sit through this again.
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