Theft of any kind is a pain in the butt. Intrusions into the home are the worst, but grand theft auto runs home invasion a close second. We rely extensively on our cars, and they’re expensive to replace (or even to repair the damage once the thieves get done with them). Further, there’s no doing anything about the crime. Unless the cops just happen to catch the wrongdoers red-handed, chances are that they’ll never be punished in any way for the damage they cause.
With that in mind, the only solace in the wake of a car theft is in the realm of fantasy. Fortunately, that’s the movies’ specialty. Hollywood history is full of tales of revenge. But here we’re looking for something just a little specialized. The targets should be criminals. The protagonist should be motivated by a sense of justice, preferably in place of official justice denied by an impotent legal system. And although this is one of the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, the more violent the villains’ ends, the better.
The Punisher – Frank Castle (and his dime-store novel predecessor, Mack Bolan) is the ultimate vigilante. This guy really hates criminals. But then, who can blame him? Mobsters murdered his whole family. The violence in the movie version is toned down a bit from the comic books (the opposite of what one would typically expect), but the picture is still full of satisfying slaughter. Castle (ably played by Tom Jane) is as clever as he is cruel, so he isn’t satisfied merely to butcher his foes. Instead he devises especially unpleasant fates for them. If you just lost something to a criminal, what Castle does has probably been going through your mind. It’s refreshing to see it acted out.
Magnum Force / Sudden Impact – I won’t ask you to sit through two Dirty Harry movies, but at least one of this pair should be on your post-theft list. If I were picking, I’d go with Magnum Force. I like the 70s aesthetic a bit better than the 80s stuff. And it has just enough moral ambiguity to stay at least partially grounded in reality. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood’s most famous role) is a loner cop with his own sense of justice, but here he’s stuck between his own penchant for bending the rules and a cabal of cops who go the extra distance to execute wrongdoers without mercy or even lip service to legal process. Sudden Impact pits our hero against the villains from Last House on the Left and a vengeful woman who is systematically slaughtering them. Though Ronald Reagan helped make the “Go ahead, make my day” thing famous, for my money the “dog shit” speech is a lot more entertaining, not to mention more in keeping with the rage one might be feeling against criminals.
Anything with Charles Bronson in it (especially the Death Wish series) – Though Bronson has made a movie here and there that isn’t about vengeance (Telefon would be one example), his particular gift appears to be for vigilante pieces. Heck, even House of Wax (in which he has a small role as a supporting villain) is at least in some sense about revenge. But if you want Bronson at his best (at least with the current theme in mind), look no further than the Death Wish movies. Any one will do. However, the first one is the best. The script is better. Paul Kersey - The Vigilante - is more three-dimensional and believable. Further, he doesn't go after the thugs that attacked his family. Instead, he kills muggers at random. The approach has a certain "just do something" comfort for anyone victimized by anonymous criminals.
Man on Fire – Despite the presence of Dakota Fanning, this one has a couple of strong factors in its favor. First, Denzel Washington’s character is trying to figure out just who did him wrong. This hunt for the guilty parties gives him something in common with anyone who’s fallen victim to a criminal who hasn’t been – and probably never will be – caught. Second, even in a genre full of mean protagonists this guy’s exceptional. As relentless as Frank Castle and Dirty Harry can be, neither of them ever killed a man by cramming explosives up his ass merely for failing to cooperate with an investigation.
Death and the Maiden – One thing that almost all vigilante tales have in common is the abrupt nature of the revenge. We spend the whole picture watching the villains kill the hero’s family, rape his girlfriend, burn his house, kick his dog, and so on, and then in the end he shoots them. Big deal. How is a simple shooting payback for all that torment? But here the exact opposite is the case. Early on our heroine catches hold of the man who tortured her, and she spends the whole rest of the picture paying him back. This fits better with fantasies about what you’d do if some miracle of fate chained your car thief up in the basement, leaving him at your mercy (or lack of same). Also, here the protagonist is a woman, an added plus for female owners of stolen cars. On the other hand, this is a bit stagey (firmly feeling its roots as a play). If you'd prefer to get your no-Y-chromosome entry from a picture more stylistically similar to most of the other pictures on this list, try Jodie Foster as the female Charles Bronson in The Brave One.
Taxi Driver – Travis Bickle is a creep. Further, he’s motivated by a warped sense of chivalry rather than a need to punish crimes. Still, it’s hard to argue with results. The extended scenes in which he sits around his apartment rehearsing acts of aggression may be familiar territory to anyone who’s been mad enough to want to hurt the target of his (or her) rage. Bickle’s oft-repeated mini-manifesto about washing the scum off the streets may also strike a familiar chord with anyone who has recently encountered the criminal class.
American History X – This one almost didn’t make the list, simply because it’s too uplifting. The overall moral is that violence is bad. Also, the acts of aggression here are mostly motivated by racism rather than anti-crime sentiment. Still, there’s just something about Ed Norton curbing one of the guys who attack his house. Also, though the message here may not be exactly what you’re in the mood for if you’re mad, it’s nice to have a reminder that anger becomes profoundly unjust and unhealthy when it’s directed at everyone who just happens to share physical characteristics (such as race) with the criminals at hand.
Pee-wee’s Big Adventure – Okay, clearly this one lacks the visceral aggression of the rest of the set. But in some ways Pee-wee is more in touch with the childhood insecurities at the heart of the victim/vigilante relationship than many of the more violent entries. And hey, it’s also the only movie in the set in which our hero’s anguish is brought on by the theft of a vehicle. Further, after sitting through some of the grimmer pictures on the list – especially Taxi Driver and American History X – a little comic relief may well be in order.
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