Christmas in April

In honor of the start of baseball season, I submit a Christmas-themed parody of a Garth Brooks song.

What’s the connection? In recent years ballparks have been adopting unofficial-official songs to be played between innings at least once during each game. I think the tradition started in Boston with something by Neil Diamond. And from that “auspicious” beginning, the marketing gimmick has spread throughout the leagues.

The Kansas City Royals actually opened the selection process up to the fans, offering several choices that could be voted upon. Every time I’m tempted to whine about the song that was selected, I have to remind myself that one of the other options was “Sweet Home Alabama.” As if the Confederate-flag-waving, racist-governor-loving bullshit song wasn’t bad enough all on its own, it would have been even dumber at Kauffman Stadium because it has no earthly connection to Kansas City. Is KC in Alabama? Not according to the maps I’ve checked. Are people in Alabama legendary for being Royals fans? I doubt it. My guess would be that the Gulf Coast is Braves territory, with an outside chance that teams from Florida and Texas might pick up some followers here and there.

Though it could have been worse, it still ended up pretty bad. We got stuck with Garth Brooks’s “Friends in Low Places.”

According to the giant Garth who appears on the scoreboard and introduces the thing every time it plays, the song is about “good friends and having a good time.” Now, I’ve heard this damn thing dozens of times now, and as near as I can tell it’s about getting plastered, making an ass of yourself at your ex-girlfriend’s wedding reception, and spending your life hanging out with barflies. Of course I must concede that the average “fan” who shows up for a Royals game (especially for promotional give-aways or dollar dog night) probably does regard that sort of thing as a good time, so as the minority perhaps I should just shut up and play along.

That notwithstanding, to those of us who just want to watch the game, this song is pure irritation. I wouldn’t mind it so much if I only had to listen to it – with every drunken yahoo in the stadium singing along – once or twice over the course of the season. But my family and I have a half-season ticket package, which means we’re out there between 30 and 40 times every summer. By September (okay, more like by May) it’s pure nails on a chalkboard.

To preserve my sanity, after awhile I started making up new lyrics. Most of them are hate-filled ditties about beer-swilling rednecks, and they don’t bear repeating here. But one time last summer the Royals ran a Christmas-themed promotion. The give-away was Santa hats with the KC logo stitched onto them, and the between-inning music had a Yuletide flavor. Except, of course, for Garth.

That got me to thinking. The product of my bemused musing was “Friends in Low Places” rewritten from the perspective of Hermie, the misfit elf in the Rankin-Bass production of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Enjoy!

Me and the boys
Work hard making toys
To get ready for Christmas Eve
But I hate making trucks
And elf practice sucks
That’s why I decided to leave.
Well I saw the surprise
In the big boss elf’s eyes
When I tried to fix dolly’s teeth,
So tell Mister Claus
That I’m quittin’ because
This misfit needs some relief!

Oh I’ve got elves in low places
Where the eggnog flows and the reindeer race
To pull Santa’s sleigh
On Christmas Day.
I guess we’ll go where nobody’s needin’ us
Just me, the deer and Yu-KON Cornelius
Cause I’ve got elves in low places.