Review – Her Majesty, Mrs. Brown

If you end up in the mood for a movie about the difficulties of English social structure, this one isn’t a bad choice for working out that particular craving. Billy Connoly does a serviceable job as the once-loyal servant of Queen Victoria. The interpersonal relationships are well-constructed, and the plot doesn’t drag on and on as badly as some films on the same general topic tend to. Still, it’s got a whole lot of English royalty, which may be difficult to take unless you’re used to them. Mildly amusing

Review – The Phantom

This blend of Batman and Indiana Jones is more than a little reminiscent of The Shadow starring one of the Baldwins. The plot and characters in this one suggest that it’s geared for a slightly younger audience. I was a fan of the Phantom comics when I was a kid, and I suppose that if I was of that particular age I might have gotten a lot more out of the movie version. Mildly amusing

Review – The Peacemaker

George Clooney has a grand total of two facial expressions: the boyish grin and a vacant look of mildly constipated concentration. Since these two expressions represent the sum of his acting ability, he makes copious use of both in this movie. This is the usual pot-boiling what-if-terrorists-stole-Russian-nukes-and-tried-to-blow-up-New-York picture, with more implausible plot twists than you can shake a stick at. See if desperate (or if you’re looking to complete your 1997 Hell Plaza Octoplex viewing experience)

Review – A Christmas Story

What passage of the holiday season would  be complete without at least one viewing of this immortal classic. This movie is (or at least at one time was) one of the two most popular films among prison inmates (the other one: Texas Chainsaw Massacre), probably because its portrait of childhood is at once sweet enough to be comforting but also sarcastic enough to keep it from getting to cloying. Everyone I know who’s seen it not only likes it, but also has his or her favorite scene (my personal preference is for the tire-changing sequence). Buy the tape

Review – Gremlins

This is one of the all-time classics of that small genre of films that seem like they’d be for kids but actually aren’t. Sure, it starts out with a cute, fuzzy little critter, but it doesn’t take too long for director Joe Dante and writer Chris Columbus to move on to more dangerous creatures and a considerable amount of for-mature-audiences-only violence. Of course, that didn’t stop the Hollywood greed-heads from marketing all kinds of kid-oriented ancillary merchandise anyway. The really great thing about Gremlins is that, hype aside, it actually holds its own as an amusing movie. Sure, it’s a little cartoonish, but that’s deliberate enough that it’s an asset rather than an annoying distraction. Besides, any movie with a cameo by legendary animator Chuck Jones can’t be all bad. Buy the tape

Review – Palmetto

Cinemax used to show a lot of this sort of thing late at night (I guess they might still do so; it’s been awhile since I’ve had Cinemax). Usually this sort of seamy, steamy crime drama has a lot more nudity in it, all the better to emulate the great progenitor Body Heat. Here the talents of Woody Harrelson and Elizabeth Shue are almost enough to save the weak script and predictable plot. Almost. Mildly amusing

Review – The Opposite of Sex

Here we have a lower class, bisexual caper movie. No kidding. And as if that wasn’t amazing enough, the really astounding part is that it’s clever, sarcastic, and really, really good. Christina Ricci has grown up considerably since her Addams Family days, playing the bitter, wisecracking narrator of a tale filled with bitter, wisecracking characters. In fact, if the film has a fault it’s that almost all the characters have the same general sarcastic tone. And if the film has two faults, the second is that it starts to drag just a bit at the end. Otherwise it’s the best bang for your cynical buck since Citizen Ruth. Worth seeing

Review – Hercules

Typical Disneyfication of a well-known story. The musical numbers were a bit on the uninspiring side, and some of the computer-driven stuff was pretty lame. Still, the film has a nice sense of humor, unlike some other recent Disney entries (especially the deadly grim story of Pocahontas). James Woods is surprisingly amusing as the voice of Hades, and a handful of other celebrity voices rounds out the cast nicely. Side note: very time someone in this flick says “the Mighty Hercules,” all I can think of is: “stop saying the Mighty Hercules.” Die-hard Saturday Night Live fans will recognize the joke. Mildly amusing

Review – Deadly Blessing

Hey, here’s a minority group we can pick on with impunity: Amish-esque, traditional, closed religious communities. I mean, it’s not like they’ve got TVs or VCRs. And even if they did, they’d probably mostly rent Disney cartoons rather than the likes of Deadly Blessing. So director Wes Craven (and this is way back in the pre-Elm Street days) is pretty safe in casting them as the bad guys. Of course, this particular set of religious fanatics must be especially backward, because they constantly refer to all the nubile young 20th century women as “incubus,” whereas if memory serves me right generally incubi are male demons that sexually corrupt women. Unless the whole thing is some ultra-clever twist on the gender bending turn of the screw toward the end or Craven knows something about newcomer Sharon Stone that he isn’t sharing with the rest of us (and both scenarios are about equally unlikely), they probably actually meant to use the term “succubus.” The first time I saw this masterpiece was in a motel room in the middle of Nowhere Kansas on the way back from about two solid weeks of camping in Colorado. I was in my early teens back then, and at the time this was a sweet taste of badly-missed civilization. Less desperate times have led me to a much lower opinion. See if desperate

Review – Apt Pupil

I guess it’s nice to see Hollywood take a risk once in awhile on a film that isn’t your usual feel-good happy-ending fare. And even after Stand By Me and The Shawshank Redemption, the last Stephen King tale I thought I’d ever see them make into a movie was this dark quarter of Different Seasons. I haven’t read the novella since high school, but I’m told by those who remember it better than I do that the movie isn’t all that faithful to the original plot. The homosexual overtones of the relationship between the old concentration camp guard and the boy who discovers his secret past were so pronounced that I’m a little surprised the gay community didn’t take an interest in protesting the film. The animal violence was also excessive, though at least here it was an integral part of the plot (still, really isn’t there a better way to establish the badness of a character without resorting to cheap stunts like torture of animals or children?). Mildly amusing

Review – Manhunter

Despite the heavy Miami Vice look and feel (and what else would you expect from Michael Mann), this is a fairly faithful adaptation of the first of Thomas Harris’ Lecter novels (which faithful readers will remember as The Red Dragon). Sure, the visuals and the soundtrack scream mid-eighties, and the production values aren’t quite as slick as the second Lecter movie. But somehow that gives it a charm all its own. Side note: I see that the psychotic psychiatrist’s name is spelled “Lecktor” in the credits; it’s “Lecter” in the credits for Silence of the Lambs, and since I don’t remember how it was spelled in the books I’ve decided to just go with the spelling I prefer. Mildly amusing

Review – Armageddon (1998)

Some movies are so bad that they actually make you mad. This one made me long for the end of the world (at least assuming this film isn’t showing in Hell, and I guess that’s probably not all that safe a bet). For openers, I can’t stand Bruce Willis. Actually, I don’t know the man personally, but I dislike the flabby, balding, blue collar hero out to save the world characters he usually plays. And you know when Steve Buscemi is the high point of a movie that the rest of it is pretty much unwatchable. For the most part this is two and a half hours (which seem like a whole lot more) of one poorly-directed action sequence after another. By the end it gets to the point where enough things have gone wrong for the sole purpose of prolonging the plot that it just seems like it’s going to go on forever. Even getting the opportunity to watch Paris getting blown to bits doesn’t save this stinker. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Operation Condor

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan movie. This one finds Chan fighting bad guys who are after a hidden trove of Nazi gold. Worth seeing

Review – The Wedding Singer

I guess maybe I can’t really give an entirely neutral opinion of this one. Every once in awhile we all encounter a movie that we just have too much in common with not to like. That was the deal with this one, at least for me, right down to the whole wedding thing going on in 1985, the year I got married. All that aside, though, there were more than a few really good moments in this film, the jokes that work outnumbering the ones that didn’t by a considerable margin. Even Adam Sandler, normally an irritant, managed to drop his usual shtick long enough to make this movie. Worth seeing

Review – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

George Lazenby? Who made that casting decision? This was the little-known Bond between the first time Sean Connery retired from the role after You Only Live Twice and the second time he retired after Diamonds Are Forever. Though to be honest, maybe Lazenby wasn’t such a bad call. He looks and acts just like a nine to five clerk, and because this film treats the superagent as a civil servant, Connery (or even Roger Moore) would have seemed out of place. Can you imagine the Connery Bond sitting around an office making copies? Yet here 007 does just that (in a scene not made dramatically more interesting by the fact that it was set in a lawyer’s office that our hero broke into). Later his getaway car is stalled by frozen windshield wipers. I’ve got problems like that of my own; I expect James Bond to worry more about saving the world from annihilation and less time fretting about minor mechanical defects. Set the VCR to fast forward until the commando attack on Blofeld’s (oh, and Telly Savalas as Blofeld?) mountaintop stronghold at the end. Otherwise you’ll have to endure the sickening sight of the notorious playboy actually falling in love. And worse, when the action ends 007 actually gets married! She gets killed almost immediately thereafter, but still. See if desperate

Review – Dr. Dolittle (1998)

Eddie Murphy stars as the reluctant hero of this rework of the famous story of the doctor who can talk to animals. The plot tends to meander a little as Murphy dithers about whether to pursue his career as a successful physician or give in to his long-repressed talent for communicating with the beasts. Aside from a few slightly raunchy jokes, this is strictly juvenile fare. Nonetheless, it’s amusing, if for no other reason than one can have a good time playing guess-the-celebrity-voice with the doctor’s furred and feathered friends. Mildly amusing

Review – Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth

Back when Adam Sandler was a regular on Saturday Night Live, he had a routine that he did a couple of times for the Halloween edition of the Weekend Update skit in which he suggested cheap costume ideas. For example, he’d take a pickle out of a jar, stick it under his nose, and announce, “I’m Mr. Crazy Pickle Mustache. I have a pickle for a mustache. Please give me some candy.” Basically, this third film in the Hellraiser series is more than a little reminiscent of Sandler’s SNL gag. Our antihero, Pinhead, lost all his cenobite buddies in the second one (of course, I think technically he died at the same time, but holding this kind of film to any sort of logic or continuity is a fool’s endeavor). So now he has to make some more. Lacking really good material (not unlike the screenwriter), he improvises with some folks from a local disco. End result: “I’m Mister Crazy CD-head Guy. I have CDs stuck in my head. Please give me some candy.” See if desperate

Review – Hellbound: Hellraiser 2

Despite an occasional moment or two (such as the “origin of Pinhead” sequence toward the beginning), this sequel is mostly muddled and unevenly paced. It also contains just a touch of the silliness that pervades the sequels that follow. I must admit that I’ve got a bit of a soft spot in my hellbound heart for it nonetheless, because the first time I saw it was a couple of days before Christmas at the tail end of a semester from Hell. (Further, I admit that I own a copy of it because I got it in a two-disc set with the original, though this sequel enjoys a somewhat less favorable verdict). The DVD also includes audio commentary, in which the director and the screenwriter gripe about production problems and star Ashley Laurence remains mute throughout most of the movie (the disc also includes an after-the-fact mini-documentary and some other bonus features). Mildly amusing

Review – Hellraiser

This is the film that put Clive Barker on the movie map. He gets director’s credit for this loose adaptation of his novella “The Hellbound Heart,” though rumor has it that they had to bring in another guy to finish the job when the author had some trouble getting it done. Barker’s made a tidy living exploiting the cross-over between traditional horror and kinky sex, and this movie is a typical example. I’ve grown progressively less and less fond of the series as the sequels have come out, but I still like to watch the first one every now and again. Fans of the film or the series may also enjoy the added features on the DVD, which include feature length commentary and an after-the-fact mini-documentary. Buy the tape (or the disc if you’re really into it)

Review – Anastasia

I saw this the same weekend that the remains of the last two generations of the Romanovs were interred in Moscow. The ceremony and the movie share a certain unique perspective on history (i.e. Nicholas has somehow been transformed into a hero, no doubt leaving other long-term residents of Hell like Mussolini and more recent additions like Pol Pot a little glimmer of hope), and the movie shows even less connection with reality (both Anastasia and Rasputin survive the revolution, though the latter appears to be a bit the worse for wear). Otherwise pretty typical Don Bluth Disney-wannabe stuff. Oh, and for the record, I rewatched part of this film a second time on a larger TV screen, and it did improve slightly. Still, the politics were hard to get around. Mildly amusing

Review – Forbidden Planet

This film has got to have one of the all-time most annoying soundtracks (the score, rather than featuring what we in the 20th century understand as music, instead sounds like a lot of electric noise doubtless generated by a Theremin). Sound problems notwithstanding, this is one of the best science fiction movies ever made. How many other sci-fi pictures can boast effects that were decades ahead of their time (a lot of it still holds up fairly well), interesting characters, and an underlying philosophical debate about the nature of consciousness? Worth seeing

Review – Hamlet (1996)

Kenneth Branagh isn’t just Hamlet. I submit that he is instead a full-sized Ham. If you have the patience to take this one on, set some time aside (it’s long). The direction is predictable and occasionally amateurish. Still, I guess I’ve seen worse Shakespeare. For that matter, I’ve seen worse Shakespeare from Branagh. Mildly amusing

Review – Spawn

Here’s another grim, violent movie based on a grim, violent comic book, a la The Crow (though nobody in this picture, including the once-great Martin Sheen, packs the potential of the late Brandon Lee). For a film that was heavily hyped on its special effects, a lot of the effects weren’t especially special. Some of the makeup was pretty good, particularly John Leguizamo as the killer clown (really? Leguizamo as a frantic, annoying character? go figure). But the stuff they did on computers was mediocre at best and at worst unworthy even of 64-bit video games. I suppose this is the sort of film that I would have absolutely loved back when I was 12 years old, which I guess means that it does a great job of catering to its target audience. See if desperate

Review – Half Baked

Who would have thought that in the 90s you could still make dumb drug comedies? I guess at least some small remnants of the 70s managed to survive Nancy Reagan (witness cameos by Tommy Chong, Willie Nelson, and a handful of other dopers from the days). Like its predecessors, the next generation of pothead movies features a few really funny spots in the middle of a lot of really stupid marijuana jokes. Mildly amusing

Review – Small Soldiers

If you go into this Joe Dante picture expecting to see a revamp of Gremlins, then you’re going to get more or less exactly what you bargained for. The amazing thing is, it still works. You have to be willing to meet it halfway, since it’s the usual Dante parade of sappiness and stock actors, but if you give it just a little leeway you can have a lot of fun with it. Oh, and there are more inside jokes and sub-references in it than you can shake a stick at. I like that in a movie, especially when I get the jokes. Worth seeing

Review – Grosse Pointe Blank

I think we all have films that just hit us a little too close for comfort, movies that we love not so much because they’re good (though usually such films are) as we love them because we identify with them in some way. For my grandfather, the lifelong union man, John Sayles’ Matewan was such a movie. My father, the Soviet history buff with a passion for the eastern front in WWII, latched onto Come and See. For me, this movie about a hit man attending his ten-year high school reunion did the trick (don’t ask unless you really want to know, and even then don’t ask anyway). Lack of objectivity aside, this movie is one of those delightfully offbeat comedies that doesn’t insult your intelligence by wasting time explaining all the jokes. Stir in a little melodrama, a lot of gratuitous violence, and most if not all of the Cusack family, and you’ve got a nice, quirky little film. Buy the tape

Review – A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

Now the series is starting to settle into a rut, building on the Freddy mythos. We’re starting to get a better idea of what kind of white magic it takes to subdue this particular demon (dream powers and all that new age rot). We even get some insight into the “origin of Freddy” (who could ever forget the “bastard son of a hundred maniacs” speech?). However, despite an occasional clever touch, like the bar named Little Nemo’s, the series is at this point becoming a bit too formulaic. Or maybe it’s just that by the time this one came out I had grown a bit beyond the average target audience range and thus don’t have quite such a warm spot in my heart for it. Quick note on the DVD: some small changes appear to have been made in the copy available on disc (such as the use of a different song early in the movie). I’m not sure why the thing was changed, but it was. Mildly amusing

Review – A Nightmare on Elm Street

This first film in the Freddy Krueger series is a lot like the original Godzilla movie in that both are a lot more serious horror films than most of their respective sequels. Though Freddy would later become a mass media icon, practically Halloween’s answer to Santa Claus for awhile at least, here he’s a much more shadowy figure (in fact, we don’t even get his name until about midway through the movie). Now of course we’re not talking about a classic of the liveliest art in any event, but there are still some genuine chills to be found amidst the schlock and stage blood. DVD note: the disc features commentary by Wes Craven, John Saxon, Heather Langencamp and the cinematographer. It’s not super fascinating, but if you’re a fan of the film you may get a kick out of it. Worth seeing

Review – Dead Alive

This film has an at least partially deserved reputation as the goriest movie ever made. Other than the buckets of stage blood, however, it has little to recommend it. Most of the humor is strictly Tromaville, more easily at home in pictures such as The Toxic Avenger and Demonic Toys. The meandering plot wallows in adolescent sexuality (Freud would have had a field day with the ending) ultimately serving as little more than an excuse to get the guts onto the screen. I guess if you’re cultivating a reputation as a connoisseur of the splatter sub-genre, the extremes here probably make this movie an important part of your collection. Otherwise ... See if desperate

Review – An American Werewolf in Paris

Very much like the London version, with a touch or two of The Howling stirred in for variety. Some of the werewolf effects were pretty impressive, particularly in the Club de la Lune sequence. They managed to correct a few of the drawbacks of the first one (i.e. they gave it a happy ending), but otherwise the sequel follows the original script pretty closely. Oh, and a small measure of gratuitous dog violence. Mildly amusing

Review – Wayne’s World 2

Perhaps seeing this one so many years after it came out was a mistake. Whether or not this particular joke had grown stale before the sequel even hit the theaters is now a question for the ages, but without a doubt the joke is beyond stale now. Lame compared to the original and tame compared to South Park or even Beavis and Butthead, Wayne and Garth just aren’t quite as clever as they seem to think they are. Of course, nobody in the universe is as clever as Mike Myers seems to think he is. This film marks the start of a downward spiraling trend more completely evident in Austin Powers. Most of the jokes just aren’t that funny, and even the ones that do manage to elicit a chuckle end up dead when he runs them into the ground. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Dawn of the Dead

One of my all-time favorites, the sort of film where I can do the dialogue while I’m watching, and the best of Romero’s three Dead movies (with all due respect, naturally, to the immortal classic Night of the Living Dead). I honestly believe that if American society ever really did collapse (with or without the assistance of flesh-eating zombies) that the result would closely parallel the action in this movie. I could say a lot more about Dawn, but that would sort of defeat the purpose of doing a capsule review. Side note: the first version I bought of this was a two-tape set. My current copy is a three-disc set that includes the theatrical release, the re-cut for video release, and the European version. The boxed-set is a must-have for serious fans of the movie, but even more casual horror fans may wish to add the single-disc version to their collections. Buy the disc

Review – The Nightmare Before Christmas

Here’s a Rankin-Bass Christmas special seen through the eyes of that weird little kid who wore only black, kept to himself at recess, and drew morbid cartoons in the margins of his notebooks. To director Henry Selick’s credit, the technical quality of the film is superb, the characters well done and the plot engaging. In fact, some of the humor is downright morbid, even genuinely scary at points, and constantly vaguely evocative of the things we were afraid of when we were small. Maybe not for the younger tykes, but otherwise well done. Worth seeing

Review – Godzilla (1998)

This is the big budget Hollywood version we’re talking about here. All that money, and the original from way back when is still a whole bunch scarier. In fact, the most suspenseful moment in this new, high-tech Godzilla (the part where the baby Godzillas are chasing our intrepid heroes around Madison Square Garden) is ripped pretty directly from Jurassic Park. The plot is poor, the dialogue wooden and the acting lackluster at best, all of which would be just fine except that there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of effects to take the place of the other shortcomings. The computer stuff was okay and all, but it just didn’t carry the movie by itself. Maybe if this wasn’t such a bad rework of such a long cinema tradition I would have felt a little more charitable about it. See if desperate

Review – Halloween H20

Obviously not as good as the original, but on the other hand at least not as bad as the last couple of sequels (not that that’s saying much). Jamie Lee Curtis returns for the first time since #2 as the emotionally-scarred Laurie, who despite a faked death and another name change is still being pursued by her psychotic brother. The end, with its obligatory multiple “deaths” for the monster, is typically tedious. But otherwise this isn’t too bad as slasher sequels go. Mildly amusing

Review – Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

This one has trouble deciding whether it wants to be a serious supernatural thriller or just another cheap  slasher outing. In the end it doesn’t function especially well as either one, lacking a plot strong enough to pull off the former and coming up too short in the nudity and gore departments (though it does feature a little of each) to succeed on the latter count. Further, as is common with high-number sequels, this movie just seems to lack raison d’etre as much as anything else. What a shame this had to be Donald Pleasance’s last film. See if desperate

Review – Halloween

One of the great progenitors of the slasher genre, Carpenter’s early masterpiece still holds up pretty well even after 20 years. Just about every member of my age group has some story about being scared witless by Halloween when it first came out (or when they first saw it on cable). The movie’s mix of teenage angst and sexuality, combined with a hearty dose of the urban-legendary Boogeyman, assures it a proper place in the history of horror flicks. Buy the tape

Review – Godzilla, King of the Monsters

Fans of the happy-go-lucky giant lizard who bravely defends Earth against the likes of Ghidorah, doing a gleeful little hornpipe after vanquishing his foes, will scarcely recognize the nightmare creature in this, the first Godzilla movie ever. The black and white film gives the movie an almost documentary feel in places, and it’s not hard to view this as at least a half-hearted attempt at some serious social commentary about the dangers of nuclear war and science-run-riot. The version most commonly available here in the States is a peculiar melange of the original Japanese version, dubbed and un-dubbed, and filler scenes shot with Raymond Burr to help explain the plot for the American audiences (not to mention providing the film with a caucasian hero). Someday I’d like to see a print that doesn’t include a bunch of Burr talking to actors that we only see from the back (because they’re standing in for the actors in the original Japanese version and, presumably, the Japanese actors weren’t available to have pithy conversations with an American actor just for the sake of the US release). Worth seeing

Review – The X Files

At one point I set myself up with the goal of seeing at least one film beginning with each letter of the alphabet within the space of a single year. For most letters, this wasn’t much of a challenge at all. X, on the other hand, had me pretty desperate by the end of October. Part of the hype on this TV-series-spawn was that it had been deliberately designed so that even folks who didn’t follow the small-screen adventures of the fearless paranormal agents could still appreciate the movie. I’m not sure that I disagree with this as a basic premise, though certainly there were some in-jokes from the series (things that the only X Files watcher in the room caught and nobody else got). Rather, I tend to believe that the need for a firm grounding in the first five seasons of the popular Fox network program had more to do with building up a tolerance for plot-free meandering from one semi-bizarre situation to another. Want to have some fun with this film? Watch carefully and try and count all the other sci fi and horror movies they’re ripping off. See if desperate

Review – The Manchurian Candidate

On the all-time list of political thrillers, this one has to be one of the top ten (if not in fact number one). This film would be legendary even if it stopped right after the famous garden club a la brainwashing lecture sequences. And of course it doesn’t stop there. It’s a little rough in spots, and it owes a lot to the book, but otherwise this one is a must see. Buy the tape

Review – G.I. Jane

Contest: what’s worse, the tediousness of the message, Demi Moore’s acting, or how broken the cinematographer’s light meter is? Decisions, decisions. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Night Flyer

If you stick Stephen King’s name on it, they will come. This abnormally stupid vampire movie has little to recommend it beyond the connection to the King story of the same name. See if desperate

Review – Never Say Never Again

Tired, old remake of an older and more tired Bond movie, Thunderball (something about the way the rights to the Ian Fleming novel were transferred left it vulnerable to remake by a different studio). This one stars tired, old Sean Connery in a role that, by this stage in his career, had become little more than self-parody. Also more than a little embarrassing for Kim Basinger, whose career sun was rising as Connery’s had begun to set (or at least his career as Bond-style characters, as he went on to further success with other types of roles). If you have to pick between this one and Thunderball, I’d say go with this one, if only because the production values are a little slicker. But only if you have to pick between the two. See if desperate

Review – The Negotiator

By the end of this movie, the viewing experience feels like sitting through around ten hours of macho posturing punctuated by extra-loud gunfights. Still, this is a prime specimen of some of the tricks screenwriters like to pull to mess with the audience’s minds and stir a stultifying, motionless plot. For example, in this wrong-man tale of a hostage negotiator caught up in a corruption scandal that drives him to take hostages of his own, we have the guy who’s so obviously involved in the conspiracy that you just know he isn’t really part of it, the apparent murder that turns out not to be a murder after all, a cop who turns out to be his own informant (no kidding), and a whole host of other obnoxious little plot stunts that will someday descend to the level of cheap cliché (if they haven’t already done so). Even Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey can’t save this clinker. See if desperate

Review – Warlock

Julian Sands may well be at the upper limits of his acting abilities as an evil sorcerer magically transplanted from the 17th to the 20th century in search of a book that will allow him to undo creation. However, the show is effectively stolen by Richard E. Grant as the witch hunter who pursues him across time. Overall this film has a few worthwhile moments but not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – Major League 2

Worthy sequel to one of baseball’s better movies. Beset by the genre’s usual sappiness, this film nonetheless works in some first-class sight gags and the like. For instance, the Rick Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) deodorant commercial is one of the great moments of screen comedy. Most real baseball fans will also recognize the Randy Quaid character (though of course those guys usually aren’t that witty). It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the sequel isn’t quite as fresh as the original, but on the other hand it doesn’t waste as much time on the Berenger/Russo subplot (in fact, she’s barely in it at all). Worth seeing

Review – Wag the Dog

Dustin Hoffman and Robert DeNiro head up an ensemble cast in true Barry Levinson style. Loosely based on American Hero by Larry Beinhart, the film version drops a lot of the noir-wannabe nonsense and plays up the sarcastic sniping at media manipulation of America’s patriotic impulses (with obvious parallels to the Gulf War, which was the McGuffin of the book). Woody Harrelson is especially funny as the briefly-appearing accidental hero of an imaginary war. This is the meanest film I’ve seen in awhile (especially if you don’t count Citizen Ruth, which was meaner and also more consistently funny). Worth seeing

Review – Dave

I would love to have been at the pitch meeting for this script. “Okay, it’s a remake of Kurosawa’s Kagemusha, only it’s a light comedy!” And the studio funded it anyway. Wow. I suppose this made it onto HBO during the Clinton impeachment hearings (when I saw it) due to the parallels between the sex lives of the President in this movie and the real President. Sidelights include several cameos by politicians and political wonks, not to mention Ving Rhames with hair. Predictably enough, it gets a little sappy. But all things considered, it’s not too bad. Worth seeing

Review – Ghost Story

A generic name for a generic movie based a novel by Peter Straub. Actually, this isn’t the worst ghost story movie ever made, but it is fairly predictable. If you’re in the mood for a grim picture about a group of old men who are being offed one by one by the vengeful Skeleton Head Lady spirit of a woman they drowned decades earlier, then your expectations will be more than met here. Mildly amusing

Review – Lost in Space

There must be a formula for making 1960s sci-fi series into 1990s sci-fi movies. More expensive productions. Better special effects. Stronger female characters. Nineties themes like family bonding in place of the more straightforward battles with men in monster suits made of shag carpet. They even added big-name talent including William Hurt and Gary Oldman. But still it somehow just seems to fall short. Maybe part of it is that I’m no longer eight years old (though when I was, the original series was the centerpiece of many an after-school social gathering). Heck, even Penny’s pet is a high-tech shadow of her former self. And when you’re a high-tech shadow of a chimp with a big-ears wig stuck to its head ... See if desperate

Review – Dark City

Way too much MTV in some director’s past. This film appears to combine the worst qualities of Phillip K. Dick, Clive Barker and Rene Magritte. Some of the cinematography is sort of interesting (if more than a little reminiscent of the aesthetics of those overblown comic books known as graphic novels), but the plot, such that it is, is nearly impossible to follow, to the point that one tends to lose interest in even trying to tell what’s going on. This one might catch on with the goth crowd, but everyone else can probably miss it. See if desperate

Review – Live and Let Die

Quite possibly the most offensively racist movie this side of Mandingo, though I suppose that when your source novel actually contains racial slurs, such repugnance comes naturally. I just want to cry every time I see Yaphet Kotto delivering the Hollywood Shuffle-style dialogue. On the (very small) plus side, this is Roger Moore’s first tour of duty as 007, and though he’s generally considered inferior to Connery, the latter actor was just simply too old after Diamonds Are Forever to keep up with the athletic, playboy part (which he proved beyond a doubt in Never Say Never Again). And of course the title tune by Paul McCartney is a legend in its own right. See if desperate

Review – A Life Less Ordinary

Just what the world’s been waiting for: a quirky date movie. This film aspires to be some sort of blend of pick-your-standard-poor-boy-meets-rich-girl and Natural Born Killers as two hapless angels strive to hook a tycoon’s daughter up with the terminated employee who kidnaps her. You know when Cameron Diaz’s Ann-Margaret impression is the high point that you’re in for a long ride to nowhere. See if desperate

Review – Crime Story

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan movie. This one finds Jackie fighting bad guys who kidnap a Hong Kong businessman. Worth seeing

Review – Sliver

From the author who brought you Rosemary’s Baby, here’s another bit of urban paranoia (at least nobody gets screwed by Satan this time, unless you count the audience). Ultimately this film just seems to have too much going on. I mean, the creepy voyeur boyfriend would have made a good plot by itself, as would the psycho mystery writer, or even just the idea of a building rigged with hidden cameras. But when they try to mash all this together, especially when you have the likes of Sharon Stone and one of the Baldwins trying to make it work, it’s just too much for the script to support. I also guess they thought Stone masturbating would have been a lot sexier than it turned out to be. Nice soundtrack, though. Mildly amusing

Review – Altered States

Here’s one of the great boomer conceits: their drug experiences back in the 70s could become so profound that they’d actually manifest themselves physically. The plot is a lot of pseudo-religious, pseudo-scientific claptrap, and the characters are usually little more than annoying (except for Charles Haid’s character, who was the only one that was probably supposed to be annoying but instead ends up charming in an irascible sort of way). But the film is still worth it for the visuals. The hallucinations, irrelevant as most of them are, still provide a good deal of visual impact. And for my money the shot where the ape-creature is chasing the janitor down the hall is one of the great stomach-knot-producing moments in film history. Mildly amusing

Review – A League of Their Own

A fairly sappy tale of some of the players of the All-American Girls’ Professional Baseball League. But then again, baseball movies are supposed to be sappy. As history it probably leaves a little to be desired, but it’s amusing enough to be worth a look, particularly to a baseball fan suffering through a long, cold winter. Mildly amusing

Review – The Lawnmower Man

David Koresh’s favorite movie, which may well say enough about it. I’ll just add that if you’re doing a term paper on the history of movies about virtual reality, then you’re probably going to have to sit through this one. Otherwise, it’s probably safe to give it a miss. Extra for experts: what the heck does this have to do with “The Lawnmower Man” by Stephen King (besides the profit motive, that is)? See if desperate

Review – Singin’ in the Rain

One of the all-time great movie musicals. You don’t even necessarily have to like the genre to enjoy this particular film, since it’s got enough comedy and drama to supplement the high Hollywood extravagance. Sure, there are the show-stoppers that interrupt the plot development (especially the legendary “Gotta Dance” number). But even then the talents of Gene Kelly, Donald O’Connor, Debbie Reynolds and the rest of the cast are enough to keep it interesting. Buy the tape

Review – All Quiet on the Western Front

The granddaddy of all war-is-hell movies, this is the version from the 1930s, when the war upon which the original novel was based was far enough in the past to be viewed a little more critically and the next great war was still far enough in the future that the dulce et decorum est hadn’t quite fired up yet. To call it preachy is to sell its sanctimony way short, and it’s also hampered by technical problems endemic to the medium back in the early days of talkies. Nonetheless, it endures well enough to have at least a few worthwhile moments to commend it. Mildly amusing

Review – Cop Land

This gritty tale of police corruption will probably go down in history as the film Stallone gained all that weight for. I didn’t think he looked all that fat, but he did turn in a good performance as the sheriff of a suburban enclave of corrupt NYPD cops. Though the rest of the performances were pretty run-of the-mill (Harvey Keitel as a brutal thug, Ray Liotta as a borderline psycho, and so on), it had just enough of a plot to hold it together. Mildly amusing

Review – Needful Things

This is a fairly faithful adaptation of the Stephen King novel, which makes it a fairly long viewing experience. Not as long as it could have been, however, inasmuch as I’ve seen a version on television that contained some extra footage (and I think the extra stuff is also available on the DVD). Though I’m getting too willing to gripe about films being too long, some of the stuff they cut out of this one for the theatrical and video releases really did make a significant contribution to plot and character development. But even without the extra stuff, this film still holds together pretty well. Max von Sydow seems to be having entirely too much fun as the diabolical villain in this standard “be careful what you wish for” tale with some “meanness of humanity” stirred in for good measure. Mephistopheles never offered Faust anything quite so pedestrian, but in a way that makes it all the more real. However, there’s some dog violence in here so severe that I found it necessary to fast-forward for a few seconds. Worth seeing

Review – Contact

Is there anything more sanctimonious than a science guru with a terminal illness? I mean, if you’re going to go to all this trouble to invent your own new-agey blend of technology and religion, it just seems like it would take less effort to just go with a more traditional faith. Certainly the bullshit factor would be a great deal smaller. I was also disappointed with the acting; I doubt if anyone is going to regard this as the high point in his or her career. Even the effects were lackluster, comparing poorly even with decades-old 2001. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – A View to a Kill

Christopher Walken as a Bond villain? A genetically-engineered superman formerly in the employ of the KGB? Come on! Strike two here is Roger Moore, who was getting way too old for the role by that point. Strike three was the fact that the series was fresh out of plots and had completed the process of substituting gizmos and cartoon violence for any sense of genuine drama. Even the ever-quirky Grace Jones falls flat as Walken’s henchperson. Not quite as bad as Octopussy, but still right on the border of intolerable. See if desperate

Review – MouseHunt

Home Alone with a rodent in the McCauley Culkin role. This film needed a lot more of the mouse and a lot less of the largely unamusing subplots. Some of the slapstick is cute (especially when Christopher Walken is falling victim to it, but not when the hapless victim is a cat that was probably intended to be a lot less cute than it was). The grimy look and depressing feel to most of this suggests that the director thinks he’s Tim Burton, unfortunate since even Tim Burton rarely manages to pull off this kind of thing successfully. See if desperate

Review – George of the Jungle

Not being a fan of the original animated series (in fact, I can’t say as I’ve ever seen it), I went into this with no expectations. Thus I guess I wasn’t too terribly disappointed. It was cute, perhaps a little bit too much so. It had a couple of solid pieces of physical comedy, but for the most part it was pretty juvenile. Big surprise. And poor John Cleese, apparently so desperate for money that he supplied the voice for the gorilla. Mildly amusing

Review – Conspiracy Theory

Video rental tip: if you really want to see The Manchurian Candidate, rent The Manchurian Candidate. It’s one of the best films ever made. Conspiracy Theory, on the other hand, comes across as a pale imitation, with maybe a little Taxi Driver stirred in for good measure. Mel Gibson’s wacky antics do little to rescue this one from the realm of forgettable, bush-league political thrillers. Mildly amusing

Review – Clueless

The first time I saw this I was surprised at how much I liked it. Upon second and even third viewing, I’m even more surprised at how well it holds up. I almost wish I’d been in the target audience (presumably the Spice Girls crowd), just so I could appreciate it to its fullest. In fact, I was almost tempted to go out and get the Jane Austen novel upon which this film was based (though fortunately the tide of more traditional adaptations of Austen’s work managed to snap me back to reality on that one). Worth seeing

Review – The Silence of the Lambs

This is a much more serious treatment of Thomas Harris’ Hannibal Lecter character than we got from Manhunter. Sure, Anthony Hopkins eats more than his share of the scenery as the good doctor, but he still gives the audience a couple of chilling moments. This film was immensely popular when it came out, and it even managed to garner a few Oscars, rare for a movie this close to the horror genre. Of course that’s got to be at least in part because it’s rare to see Hollywood devote this big a budget to a movie about psycho-killers. As a result, you get some stuff in this one (ranging from decent performances to decent film stock) that most other slasher flicks lack. But when you get right down to it, this is still Texas Chainsaw Massacre at heart (in fact, both films were inspired at least in part by the same set of crimes committed by famed Wisconsin cannibal Ed Gein). Worth seeing

Review – L.A. Confidential

I remember when I first saw this film in the theater I found it very confusing. I had just finished reading the book, and the movie was such a truncated version that the short-cuts taken in the plot made the whole thing hard to follow. Now that my memory of the book has faded a bit, I don’t find the movie quite so bewildering. The characters were a little more three-dimensional in the book (no big surprise) and a lot harder to like (again, given Hollywood’s need to pitch an audience, no big surprise). Overall this is a fine piece of neo-noir, ranking right up there with the likes of Chinatown. Worth seeing

Review – The Shining

One of my great curiosities about Stephen King is why the heck he was so dissatisfied with Stanley Kubrick’s direction of the film version of his novel (or I suppose I should say the first film version of his novel, because King himself had it redone in a made-for-TV version some years later). I suppose the TV version stuck a little bit more closely to the plot of the book, but it goes without saying that it was nowhere near the visual tour de force of this one. And of course nobody does crazy quite like Jack Nicholson. Sure, its a little long, downright annoying in parts (listening to the kid say “REDRUM” over and over is like enduring an alarm clock you can’t shut off or a phone you can’t answer) and some of the acting is weak (not to mention that Shelly Duvall spends most of the movie smoking like a damn chimney, which must not have seemed odd at the time but can be a little distracting in this less tobacco-friendly age). But the visuals are worth the drawbacks, especially if you can see it on the big screen or at least take it in on a larger TV. The DVD features a short production documentary, but unless watching Stanley Kubrick and Shelly Duvall bickering sounds exciting to you it’s fairly missable. Worth seeing

Review – The Van

Maybe it helps to have seen the first two films in this series, which I haven’t (at least not as of this writing). Standing alone, this is a mildly clever Irish movie about a couple of guys who buy a meals on wheels van and go into business together. The plot progresses fairly predictably, but there are occasional worthwhile moments along the way. Warning: unnecessary dog death. Mildly amusing

Review – Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Okay, so I’ll watch anything once. Emphasis on “once.” This one appears to have been shot on a much smaller budget than the first MK movie, with cheaper actors and lower production values. Considering the original wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane, you have to be pretty firmly glued to the couch not to get up and put a stop to the sequel. See if desperate

Review – Mortal Kombat

If I had been 12 years old when this movie came out, I think I probably would have spent just about every allowance I got on tickets to see it again and again (back then there was no such thing as a home VCR, so movie theaters was what we had...and we loved it, dagnab it!). Lots of violent, flying ninja fists of death. Lots of special effects. Not too much plot. In other words, everything a movie needs to appeal to 12-year-old boys. As movies based on video games go, this one’s not too bad. Mildly amusing

Review – Alien Resurrection

Cyborgs and clones and bugs, oh my! After the third Alien movie, this one is truly Lazarus come from the dead. And as one might suspect, it doesn’t smell too nice. I guess they figured they could make money on it despite the extremely poor reception given to Alien 3 if they just threw in a couple of big-name actors and spruced up the effects a bit. Guess not. This one has the occasional good booga-booga shot, but mostly it’s a muddled excuse for a cheap gore-fest. See if desperate

Review – Aliens

What Ridley Scott first conceived as a sci-fi/horror blend Jim Cameron has here developed into a sci-fi/horror/action movie. It keeps moving fairly well, which is a good thing because it’s more than two hours long and if it didn’t keep moving it would drive the audience to distraction in fairly short order. As it is, however, it’s engaging to watch the squad of ultra-macho space marines fall apart in the face of superior force, and Cameron does a good job of developing the characters as they try to cope with the alien threat. The effects are good, though not as original as the original. Extra added bonus: Paul Reiser (at least presumably) getting his brains poked out by an alien. There’s also a long version that surfaces on cable every once in awhile. The characters are a bit better developed, as are the spatial relationships between the sets. Otherwise all you get from the extra footage is just a bit more drama. For an even longer version, check out the DVD. It’s got the extra footage plus even more edited-out-of-the-theatrical-release scenes. It’s mostly minor character development, but the revelation that Ripley had a daughter who grew up, grew old and died while mom was stuck in hyper-sleep does help explain her character’s motivation a bit. Worth seeing

Review – Alien

The cornerstone of the Alien series and a horror classic (probably a sci-fi classic as well, though I’m not sure I know enough about the genre to be able to say for sure). I can remember being completely blown away by the whole “grimy technology” futurism in the art direction, something that would be developed a lot further just a few years later in Blade Runner. And I think director Ridley Scott’s decision to interconnect all the sets (making the sound-stage into a partial spacecraft of sorts) really contributed to the actors’ sense of place (and paranoia). Though much of the film seems cliché now (particularly the deeply Freudian parts of the set design done by H.R. Gieger), it’s important to remember that this was the film, copied so frequently, that gave birth to the clichés. Fans of the movie will find the 20th anniversary edition DVD well worth the investment, because it includes several scenes cut from the theatrical release (as well as other fun bonus features). Buy the disc

Review – Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Of course I’ve seen this classic several times, but I notice new things in it each time (due no doubt in part to the fact that I know a little more about the lore of UFOs than I did the first time I saw it). The version that I watched this year was the original (as opposed to the Special Edition), but I think they’re both about equally as good (I like the extra stuff in the second release, especially the ship set down in the middle of the Gobi desert, but then they cut short my favorite scene from the original, where Richard Dreyfus starts throwing stuff through his kitchen window). I must say that I like the ending less and less every time I see it ... it was really impressive in the theater, but on video it just seems to drag on and on. Still, definite thumbs up for masterful exploitation of the whole popular space alien myth. Worth seeing

Review – Gattaca

For a story that’s ostensibly about the evils of genetics-based bigotry, this movie doesn’t feature many non-Caucasian actors. What we have here is a meandering romp through a future designed by art directors for Vogue, stretching an hour and a half out of about 30 minutes worth of plot and 15 minutes worth of script. Extra for experts: the four letters used to spell “Gattaca” are the same four letters used to symbolize the individual bits of the DNA code. How clever. See if desperate

Review – Shadowzone: The Undead Express

This must have been some kind of attempt by Showtime to move into Tales from the Crypt territory (only this was all one big catastrophe instead of a string of half-hour mini-failures). You know you’re in for a long hour and a half when the protagonist is prepubescent, and sure enough, this one drags on and on with our hapless young hero crying wolf about the vampires in the New York subways. As a result, it tends to play like an After School Special for bad little children. Ron Silver must have a serious need for cash to have sunk to this role (though really, after playing Alan Dershowitz perhaps playing a bloodsucking monster isn’t all that big a stretch). See if desperate

Review – Mr. Nice Guy

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan movie. This one finds Chan fighting drug-running gangsters after accidentally getting caught up with a journalist. Worth seeing

Review – Knock Off

How sad. Way back in the heady days of Bloodsport, Jean Claude van Damme was the martial artist everyone else was trying to imitate. Now the bulgin’ Belgian is stuck doing knock-offs of Jackie Chan’s athletic stunt work. The montage in this film is an amazing collection of jump-cuts, under-cranking and other headache-inducing editing tricks. As annoying as they are, they do keep the movie moving better than the bewildering, nonsensical plot, ridiculous script and wooden acting. See if desperate

Review – City of Lost Children

Ready for a lot of surreal French weirdness? The art direction is more than a little derivative of Terry Gilliam, with perhaps a little German Expressionism and a dash of Star Trek thrown in for good measure (not unlike the director’s previous effort, Delicatessen). But the script keeps it moving pretty well, and the strangeness frequently manages to be clever, which isn’t something that you can say for a lot of films that try this hard. Mildly amusing

Review – Air Force One

This is another one of those annoying five-minute movies (the kind where if the characters could act a little more decisively the film would be over in about five minutes). Jam-packed with false dilemmas and other plot mistakes, even Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman can’t save this stinker. See if desperate (or if you’re looking to complete your 1997 Hell Plaza Octoplex viewing experience)

Review – Mimic

Roaches bug you? If so, skip this one. It takes a little while to get rolling, thanks at least in part to the too-much-MTV-too-much-film-school direction that pervades the first 20 minutes or so. After it settles down, it turns into a pretty run-of-the-mill giant bug horror picture. Rob Bottin did the special effects, so you know you’re in for plenty of gross-out, too. Warnings, though: gratuitous dead cat, and gratuitous kid violence. Mildly amusing

Review – Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh

Perhaps more appropriately known as Candyman 2, this sequel takes the original story in a whole different direction, to the substantial detriment of the film. Though I suppose any horror tale set in New Orleans will inevitably invite some sort of comparison to Anne Rice’s work, what we have here is shamelessly derivative of the Mayfair witches series, recasting Candyman from the Hook Man of urban legend to more of a Lasher-style family spirit. It does an okay job, I guess, but I liked the theme and direction of the original a lot better. Mildly amusing

Review – Candyman

Urban legends play McGuffin in this loose adaptation of a Clive Barker short story. This movie almost literally drips with racist sexuality, telling the sordid tale of a white woman driven mad by her flirtation with an evil spirit in the form of a large Black man with a hook for a hand (“I’ll split you from groin to gullet” indeed). When our intrepid heroine finally gives into her desire for the forbidden, she becomes empowered and goes on to achieve urban legend status herself. How touching. Mildly amusing

Review – Seven Years in Tibet

The cheap shots about the length of this film would be too easy (“Seven Years in My VCR” for example). I guess I sort of feel like if you’ve seen one tiresome movie about a restless western soul who journeys to  mysterious Asia to find inner peace, you’ve seen them all. And I’m not really sure that the ongoing controversy about the whole China-Tibet thing really adds enough to make this film worthwhile. See if desperate

Review – The Addams Family

This film remains true to the spirit of the original Charles Addams cartoons in that it’s largely an extended collection of amusing sight gags. Sure, there’s a loosely-woven plot in here somewhere, but it’s nowhere near as interesting as the physical humor and creepy little in-jokes. Raul Julia and Angelica Huston head up an ensemble cast that does an admirable job of playing the goofy humor with straight faces. Worth seeing

Review – Brain Dead

The name says it all. I’m surprised that Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman haven’t pooled their funds and bought up all the copies of this muddled bit of nonsense. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Game

Ever wonder what A Christmas Carol would have been like if it had been written by Kafka instead of Dickens? No? Well, if this particular curiosity ever does strike you, by all means rent this movie. Otherwise skip it. See if desperate

Review – Scream 2

When you’ve made as many sequels as Wes Craven has, maybe this self-referential stuff starts to appeal to you. He started toying with the lines between film and reality with the last Nightmare on Elm Street movie, and he carries on the tradition here. He’s also stirred in a mess of cameos (Tori Spelling as herself, for example) and in-jokes to add flavor. Otherwise run-of-the-mill slasher stock, particularly missable if you saw the first one. Mildly amusing

Review – Humanoids from the Deep (1998)

So okay, what was it about the original that cried out for a remake? Apparently the plot made too much sense, the acting was too good, the effects were too professional and there were too many tit shots in it. Certainly the remake remedies all these shortcomings. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Zero Effect

Ben Stiller plays the loyal sidekick to Bill Pullman as a super-genius private investigator, a man whose brilliance in the arts of deduction and disguise are matched by his problems with personal relationships and drug abuse. There’s such a fine line between homage and rip-off. This actually would have been a mildly amusing caper film if the filmmakers hadn’t started stirring in some of the classic elements of the date movie. See if desperate

Review – Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

I must confess to being one of the thousands (if not millions at this point) of dupes that bought and read the book upon which this movie is based (hey, my excuse is that I was stuck in New York’s Penn Station waiting on a train that was very late and the only other thing I had with me was a bag full of law books). I guess it’s sort of nice to see this northeastern-seaboard-oh-tee-hee-look-at-all-the-quaint-locals crap turned on southerners rather than midwesterners. For what it’s worth, Eastwood’s film version does an admirable job of capturing most of the letter and the essence of the book while at the same time avoiding some of Berendt’s shortcomings (particularly his lack of candor about his ties to Jim Williams). And speaking of Williams: Kevin Spacey plays him, or at least the Berendt version of him, perfectly. Mildly amusing

Review – U.S. Marshals

This sequel to The Fugitive recycles a lot of the plot from the original (mixing it up a bit and stirring in a little fresh stuff just to keep it from getting dull). Here we have Wesley Snipes in the Harrison Ford role, and we’ve substituted international intrigue and government conspiracy for the more down-to-earth Hitchcockian “wrong man” and corporate conspiracy from the first one. Still, if you’ve seen one, you’ll at least recognize the other one. I’ve seen worse sequels. Mildly amusing

Review – The Borrowers

It’s rare to find a really solid piece of family entertainment, something that’s neither too sophisticated for the kids nor too simpleminded for grownups. Many will recognize the plot from childhood reading to the series of books upon which this film is based: a whole society of tiny people called Borrowers lives among us, and they’re responsible for all the items that go missing every day. The script is well-paced, and the actors do an admirable job of pulling it off. Even the effects hold up pretty well, with the scale remaining fairly consistent between that miniatures and the oversized sets. Worth seeing

Review – Urban Legend

My guess is that the success of Scream a couple of years ago is going to fuel at least a mini-renaissance of teenage slasher movies. And here we have a prime example: a psycho-killer inexorably cutting through the young, attractive population of a small east-coast college. The killer’s shtick is to off victims using urban legends as leitmotif, which is just about this movie’s only claim to distinction from other representatives of its genre (unless you count our natty maniac’s decision to use a parka as scary costume of choice, which probably wasn’t the best fashion call ever made). I guess I’m getting old, or at least out of practice, because it look a little more than an hour for the list of suspects to get winnowed down enough for me to guess the culprit. Enough in-jokes to make it worthwhile to at least try to pay attention. Warning, however: gratuitous (though not excessively graphic) dog violence. Mildly amusing

Review – Jaws

Stephen Spielberg does an excellent job adapting Peter Benchley’s novel for the screen. Of course, he’s got a running start thanks to the casting director, with Roy Scheider (as the everyman protagonist), Richard Dreyfus (as the nerdy scientist) and Robert Shaw (as the crusty old fisherman) all turning in outstanding performances. Even the now-legendary soundtrack plays a major part. Of course, by now much of the drama has become cliché, and the big rubber shark doesn’t compare favorably with the effects work Hollywood is doing now. But when it first came out, it was the film everyone in grade school wanted to see, and the one film our parents wouldn’t let us attend until we were older. Worth seeing

Review – Under Siege

Quite possibly Stephen Seagal’s finest moment. The story’s the usual implausible melange of testosterone-driven nonsense, with terrorists taking over a battleship and Seagal, as a ex-SEAL-turned-cook, taking revenge on the bad guys. Tommy Lee Jones is one of the better villains Seagal has ever faced, and the studio spent enough on the production to make it look slick. Mildly amusing

Review – From Beyond the Grave

This was one of those British horror movies composed of vignettes loosely meshed together by some flimsy bracketing plot. The best example of this particular genre is Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors, though in this movie the tie-together is an antiques store rather than a tarot deck. Most of the sequences are pretty lame, even by the genre’s standards. However, in one a man and a woman actually work together against the forces of evil, unusual for a genre where women are typically either objects to be saved from the forces of darkness or are themselves agents of evil. Sadly, the other three segments (not to mention the tie-together) just weren’t that good. Mildly amusing

Review – Rumble in the Bronx

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan movie. This one finds Chan fighting bad guys who trash the grocery store where he works and beat up the love interest’s handicapped younger brother. Worth seeing

Review – Trial and Error

Light comedy of errors wherein a lawyer and an actor who have traded places learn the value of telling the truth. A couple of mildly amusing points, but for the most part just preachy and tedious. Mildly amusing

Review – Kiss the Girls

One could write a book on the sexual politics in this film. I have neither the space nor the inclination to write a book, so I’ll just say that this is another one of those profiler cop versus psycho killer pictures a la The Silence of the Lambs, not strictly speaking a rip-off but still very much the mincemeat pie of MO’s from various real serial killers. Generally wavers between mildly amusing and extremely offensive. And an aside, though it seems almost beside the point in a film so full of misogynist mayhem: gratuitous fish violence. See if desperate

Review – Mercury Rising

Bruce Willis is a virus. He gets into films that might otherwise have had at least a chance at life, and he infects and destroys them. Without Willis, this would have been a trite little piece about an autistic kid who can decipher indecipherable codes, the sinister NSA poo-bah who orders the kid “hit,” and the tough, street-wise FBI agent who plays by his own rules as he tries to keep the kid alive. Cast Willis as the FBI guy, and suddenly the autistic kid who does little besides decode and scream a lot is only the second most irritating part of the movie. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Top Gun

Here’s a fun game: try and count all the veiled homosexual allusions in this film while you’re watching it. While I didn’t actually keep count, I imagine that the final tally would probably exceed the number of times the word “bondage” appears in Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments (and that’s saying something). Guys, you’re among friends and supporters. It’s okay to go ahead and come out of the closet. Though properly considered a Tom Cruise vehicle, the diminutive (watch his scenes with Kelly McGillis and try to figure out what he’s standing on to make him look taller than she is) hunk is backed up by such intense young actors as Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, and an odd bit part played by uber-liberal Tim Robbins. Back in the heady days of the Reagan era this was quite an ad for the Navy, though with a little more experience under our belts we can now look back on most of director Tony Scott’s flag-waving, MTV-edited spectacle as more than a little silly. Mildly amusing

Review – Men in Black

This is a fairly clever send-up of the bane of UFO cultists everywhere. The first time I saw it I didn’t know all that much about the whole MIB mythos, but before re-viewing it I read a book on the topic and thus was able to appreciate some of the details in their proper context. Even if you’re not in on the in-jokes, there’s still plenty of mass-market fun to be had here. Worth seeing

Review – The Lost World

Normally I don’t count movies that I saw on TV, but I’ve seen this one a couple of times already (including once in the theater), and the network premiere was sort of a special deal because it included some footage that wasn’t in the theatrical or video releases. Ultimately the extra scenes didn’t amount to much beyond a little extra character development for the sleazy nephew and the way-too-sympathetic big game hunter. I guess this one started out on the wrong foot when the only character from the first one that has more than a quick role in the sequel is the Jeff Goldblum character, whom I couldn’t stand in either film. Meandering and occasionally preachy plot. Impressive, expensive effects. Better on the big screen. Mildly amusing

Review – Jurassic Park

Despite a lack of affection on my part for both Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton, I really like this film. Some of the criticisms leveled against it when it first came out are legit, particularly the caveat that despite all the dinosaurs and other ostensibly kid-oriented elements, it’s probably too violent for the younger set. Further, some of the science is a bit off (especially the chaos crap spouted by the Jeff Goldblum character, though he almost redeems himself with the line about the Pirates of the Caribbean). Still, if you can set aside all the pseudo-scientific sanctimony and just sit back and enjoy the show, the ride’s worth the price of admission. Worth seeing

Review – Boogie Nights

This saga of a small corner of the porn industry in the late 70s and early 80s turned out to be more grim than the ads made it appear. Still, as a whole this was a really good movie, with impressive acting (surprisingly impressive from a couple of cast members, specifically Burt Reynolds and “Marky” Mark Wahlberg). The high points, however, were probably the music and the art direction, which combine to travel beyond mere kitsch to really re-create the time. Worth seeing

Review – JFK

Oliver Stone must have done something right with this one, since apparently it bugs the crap out of conservative media critics (though why they’d care about Lyndon Johnson’s tarnished reputation is beyond me). On the other hand, exactly what it is that Stone does right is a bit more elusive. The preachiness would be annoying if it wasn’t so obviously ridiculous, sort of like Pat Robertson taking credit for using the power of prayer to change the course of a hurricane. Overall the film is a pleasant experience provided one is in the mind-set to just let the imagery and paranoia flow by without trying to glean logic or meaning from it. The DVD version features some of the most entertaining director’s commentary I’ve ever seen. Stone mixes a handful of interesting technical tidbits (including a fair amount of candor about which scenes feature “artistic license”) with some absolutely captivating paranoid rants that go well beyond even the high levels achieved by the movie itself. David Ferrie as a latter-day Davy Crockett? Yeah, inasmuch as they both went around with mangy animal fur on their heads. Mildly amusing

Review – Jackie Brown

Wow, I haven’t seen this many long tracking shots since film school. Jean-Luc Goddard would be proud of the lethargic pace of this failed atmosphere piece, enfant terrible Quentin Tarantino’s attempt to make an old Elmore Leonard novel into a 30-minute caper movie stretched out over two and a half hours. What a waste of good acting talent, too. The normally excellent Samuel L. Jackson is the delivery vehicle for most of the film’s 30-some appearances of the N-word, and by the time he lets his hair down toward the end he starts to look like the Crypt Keeper. See if desperate

Review – Tomorrow Never Dies

James Bond versus the evil news media, here represented by Jonathan Pryce as a sort of combination Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, and just a little Bill Gates stirred in to make him extra hateful. I suppose I would have completely ignored this one if I hadn’t gotten hooked on Bond movies when I was a kid. I’ve been watching these things since I was so young that I couldn’t understand why a guy as cool as Bond would spend so much time playing with girls (who, after all, were commonly known to be a major source of cooties) when he could be out killing bad guys. But in all fairness, this one is a bit better than the last Pierce Brosnan Bond effort; the actor seems a little more comfortable with the role, though he’s still a far cry from Sean Connery. Speaking of whom, did anyone else notice that the Brosnan Bond in this one is mystified by a Chinese computer keyboard, while if memory serves the Connery Bond (in You Only Live Twice) is supposed to have possessed a degree in “Oriental languages”? Nobody else noticed that, huh? Go figure. Mildly amusing

Review – Ronin

Akira Kurosawa and Frank Miller fans alike are likely to be disappointed by this mediocre pot-boiler of fakey international intrigue. And who would have thought that after all these years John Frankenheimer’s secret ambition was to be William Friedken? If you don’t like your car chases and shoot-em-ups marred by interfering details like plot, character, script and the like, check it out. Mildly amusing

Review – The Rock

Here’s another five minute movie stretched out over two hours by a lot of macho posturing and expensive action scenes. The plot’s nothing special: a chemical weapons expert (Nicolas Cage) teams up with a former-British-commando-and-ex-inmate-at-Alcatraz (Sean Connery) to go after rogue Marines who have taken over the Rock and are threatening to launch chemical munitions into San Francisco. I guess the intrigue is clever enough and the acting’s not too bad, but the big budget effects are what really keeps this going for as long as it goes. Mildly amusing

Review – The Replacement Killers

About the most John Woo you can get without hiring John Woo. Despite the fortune cookie-cutter plot, the film keeps moving pretty well. The action scenes are good, and the acting isn’t too bad either (an unusual bonus for the genre). Worth seeing

Review – The Fog

I don’t know if this old John Carpenter movie really qualifies as a sleeper, but it’s certainly an under-appreciated example of the ghost story genre. Normally I’m not fond of ghost movies, but this one has enough in the creepy curse and random violence departments to keep it moving. Carpenter also manages to avoid the no-payoff problem that began to plague his work later in his career by keeping the rubber monsters to a minimum. What he does with a fog machine and some creative back-lighting is a million times better than what most directors do with big, fat monster budgets. Worth seeing

Review – The Relic

As Tom Servo, one of the MST3K robots, once remarked, “I may be alone on this, but ... .” I really did like this film. Of course, I’m a terrible sucker for anything with a Lovecraftian edge, and this plot at least has the hints (though no follow-through). Some good effects, but a lot of plot problems (especially toward the end). If I didn’t know better, I’d swear this one had been directed by John Carpenter; Peter Hyams was actually at the helm. The movie’s major failing is the script. It seems like one of those projects that went through so many rewrites that much of the action is confusing, dead-ending or completely unmotivated. Still, I did enjoy the museum stuff, and the science parts were fun until the logic started to collapse. Worth seeing (“Yep, you’re alone on that.”)

Review – Titanic

Yes, I finally broke down and gave in to my curiosity about what all the hype was about. Jim Cameron is certainly the master of the Hollywood formula picture, with plenty of romance with the sexually-ambiguous Leonardo DiCaprio for the ladies and plenty of great big sinking boat for the guys. As big budget epics go, I’ve seen worse (at least Kevin Costner wasn’t in this one). The sweeping, computer-generated “chopper” shots were a little overused, and some of the effects work didn’t work. Even so, for the most part suspension of disbelief isn’t too much of a chore. Mildly amusing

Review – The Island of Dr. Moreau (1997)

If you’re low on your USRDA for ham-handed allegory, here’s a chance to get a dose that will last you for at least a year. The high point of this sad little film is Val Kilmer’s impersonation of Marlon Brando’s impersonation of the Queen of England struck down with leprosy. Though the majority of the animal violence is pretty obviously fake, slip-ups on the part of effects creator Stan Winston do little to excuse the brutish ickiness of this flick. See if desperate

Review – The Thing

One of the all-time classics of the horror genre, this film takes paranoia just about as far as it will go, into realms where anyone can turn out to be a thing. And what things! Effects wizard Rob Bottin creates some of the ickiest, most menacing creatures of all time. So okay, what’s my verdict on this one likely to be? Added bonus: the collector’s edition DVD comes with enough extras to make it significantly better than the movie alone, including some outtakes, some of the stop-motion animation that was cut from the final version, the usual making-of documentary and production stuff, running commentary from Kurt Russell and John Carpenter, and the original theatrical trailer, which in its own brief way is almost as scary as the movie itself. I should admit, however, that this was the fist DVD I ever bought, and I was sufficiently awed by the image quality that I would have recommended the disc version based on the improved technology all by itself. There’s also a edited-for-broadcast version that includes some of the extra footage and some interesting but highly ineffective voice-over back-story (and that’s about it … the rest of the movie’s so badly butchered that it’s nearly unwatchable). Buy the disc

Review – McHale’s Navy

What possesses me to rent these things? I mean, it’s just built-in guaranteed to be stupid, and stupid it was. Still, every once in awhile there’ll be a one-liner or a sight gag that actually draws a laugh or two, the sort of thing to rent when you’ve had a really draining week and aren’t quite up to Potemkin. Further, though I hate to admit it, I actually kind of like Tom Arnold. And though Steve Martin is another of my occasional guilty pleasures, I thought this was a lot better than Martin vehicle Sgt. Bilko. Mildly amusing

Review – Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

You’d think that a movie with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey would be better than this. But then again, you’d think I’d have better sense than to expect anything at all out of a Texas Chainsaw movie (especially after the first two sequels). This one makes some vague allusions to the original (without following it closely enough to exactly count as a remake), but otherwise stumbles along with the usual plodding, teenager-mauling, chainsaw-wielding excuse for a plot. Leatherface is a particularly pale shadow of his former self. The sad part is that the only thing this one has going for it that the original didn’t is some extra production value, and it’s this very polish that does it in. Much of the first one’s charm was due specifically to the bad film, the talentless actors and the general gritty unprofessionalism that gave the whole thing an almost documentary feel, adding a good deal of impact to the subject matter. No such thrill here. Finally, toward the end it disintegrates (if that’s even possible) into a tedious parade of “physical confrontations” and other random flopping around. See if desperate

Review – Tattoo

This might have been an okay movie if they’d just cut it off about an hour in, right after Maud Adams wakes up and discovers that Norman Bates wannabe Bruce Dern has coated her with tats. Stopping it right then and there would have given it a nice sort of Twilight Zone quality (you can almost hear Rod Serling delivering a pithy speech about the dangers of forbidden romance, his upper lip never moving). I guess it was a mildly clever concept, but by the time it devolves into the woman growing to love her rapist it was just so thoroughly repugnant (or at the very least dated) to make it unwatchable. See if desperate

Review – The Re-Animator

This is the prototype for a string of films that use defenseless, long-dead H.P. Lovecraft as an excuse for misogynist horror schlock. If you liked this one, you might also want to check out From Beyond and The Lurking Fear, though the latter film is lighter on the tit shots. For those hearty souls willing to brave frantic overacting, bad effects and an empty-headed script, this one really is a piece of horror movie history. See if desperate

Review – The Fly (1986)

With all due respect to Dead Ringers, this has got to be Cronenberg’s magnum opus of ickiness. Though the effects are occasionally a bit on the cheap side, the script’s not too bad (the “Be afraid, be very afraid” line has become legend). And hey, let’s face it: Bill-Gates-cum-giant-psychotic-insect is the role Jeff Goldblum was born to play. Mildly amusing

Review – The Fifth Element

The special effects and art direction are the highlights of this space opera. Otherwise the film limps along with an occasional quirk or amusing sight gag. But the plot’s pretty predictable, driven by equal parts crystal healing nonsense and patented Bruce Willis obnoxious shtick. See if desperate

Review – Switchback

Here’s yet another attempt to pass off a lot of unbelievable plot twists and a handful of expensive stunt work as a taut thriller. The acting’s not too bad, with Danny Glover as a deranged slasher (oops, I think that’s supposed to be a big secret) and Dennis Quaid as the hard-driven FBI agent on his trail, backed up by a reasonably believable ensemble. And for what it’s worth, some of the stunts aren’t too bad, especially the stuff on the train at the end. But really over the long (nearly two hours) haul, it doesn’t return your investment. Mildly amusing

Review – The Real Blonde

Men are shallow. Women are neurotic. Successful relationships are built on self-actualization rather than honest communication. If we feel better about ourselves, our sex lives will improve. There, now you got the whole point of this movie. The closest any of it comes to being engaging is a subplot involving one of the neighbors of the shallow yuppie protagonists, an elderly black woman whose dog is stolen (for no apparent reason) at the beginning of the movie. Wondering whether or not the dog is going to return is about the only thing that kept me watching. See if desperate

Review – In the Mouth of Madness

If John Carpenter films in general are an acquired taste, then Carpenter directing a Lovecraft pastiche must really be intended for a specialized audience. This film also suffers from weak effects work (if he wanted Rob Bottin, why didn’t he just hire Rob Bottin?) and a weak ending. As with Prince of Darkness, the film gets off to a strong start but ultimately promises more than it can deliver (though it neither starts as strong nor finishes as weak as PoD). If you enjoy the occasional Lovecraftian tale, this film will provide a chuckle or two. Otherwise you can safely stay away. Mildly amusing

Review – The Rainmaker

Matt Damon is the most insufferable Grisham hero since Tom Cruise. Honestly, must we endure legal shenanigans perpetrated by such earnest, clean-scrubbed young men? Okay, I admit that I read the book, so really I knew pretty much what I was in for. I just find lawyer movies so painful (with precious few exceptions). See if desperate

Review – Matinee

If you’re a fan of the work of sensation-meister William Castle, you’ll love Joe Dante’s homage to him. John Goodman does an excellent job playing the inventor of such devices as Percepto (sort of a joy buzzer for theater seats), and even the parade of subplots (ranging from teen romance to the Cuban missile crisis) all seem to flow together pretty well. The scene where Lawrence Woolsey (Goodman) explains the magic of exploitation films is not to be missed. Buy the tape

Review – Body Parts

This film originally hit the theaters right around the same time Jeffrey Dahmer’s crimes were uncovered. Now, the film itself is a fairly uninspiring opus along the same lines as The Hands of Orloc, but for some reason the distributor decided to pull it out of Milwaukee theaters for fear of offending the public (and in anticipation of getting a lot of free publicity from such a magnanimous gesture, no doubt). Personally, I thought that if anyone should be pulling anything out of the Wisconsin market, it was Hunts Manwich. ’Cause a sandwich is a sandwich, but ... well, you know the rest. See if desperate

Review – Super Mario Brothers

Don’t ask. My only defense is that it was a slow Memorial Day weekend and this happened to be on HBO. Mojo Nixon’s ever-so-brief appearance does precious little to redeem this movie, which otherwise manages to preserve all the intellectual content of the video game. See if desperate (and I mean really desperate)

Review – The Mask of Zorro

I imagine a movie of comparable quality could have been made for a tiny fraction of the budget of this monster-sized epic wannabe. Nobody turns in a performance that they’re likely to be proud of later on, not even Antonio Banderas. Some of the action sequences are reasonably well done, but even these brief high points are largely derivative of previous swashbuckling flicks, with maybe just a little Jackie Chan-style gymnastics thrown in for good measure. And finger on the fast-forward: for an action adventure, this one occasionally goes ever so long a time between sword fights. See if desperate

Review – Quicksilver Highway

This is actually two short films bracketed by vignettes that feature Christopher Lloyd dressed as an aging leather enthusiast (honestly, he looks like an extra from one of the sex parties in Scandal). Our main attractions are based on a couple of short stories, Stephen King’s “Chattery Teeth” and Clive Barker’s “The Body Politic.” All I can say is that neither tale was its respective author’s finest moment (especially the Barker yarn, which he must have written while drunk or something), and neither ends up radically improved by the process of transformation into a movie. Hey, at least I got a film beginning with Q, helping complete my quest to see at least one movie for each letter of the alphabet within a single calendar year. See if desperate

Review – Prince of Darkness

How can a movie get off to such a strong start and end up going so wrong? The wind-up here is a potpourri of quantum physics and ancient evil, nothing real profound but a bit more intriguing than your average horror movie. Unfortunately, the terrific wind-up isn’t followed by much of a pitch. Director John Carpenter can’t deliver the ultimate evil to the screen, so instead he offers us the usual gaggle of green-goo-spitting zombies. Shut off the VCR about midway through (around the time the cynical guy turns into a big swarm of black bugs), and you may be able to convince yourself that you saw a good movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Independence Day

The wisdom we learned in film school was that films like this were by-products of the cold war, analogies of brave American resistance to alien Soviet aggression. If that was completely true, then I suppose this film would never have been made in the post-Soviet era (at least not before Islamic terrorists took the place of the Red Menace in 2001). So the wisdom we learned was (unfortunately) wrong, and apparently Hollywood makes these swaggering, the-military-is-always-right bits of paranoid fluff because people like them. Still, this one is fairly well crafted, with good special effects and an occasional entertaining moment (such as the whole Area 51 thing). Mildly amusing

Review – Primary Colors

This thinly-disguised cinema a clef tale of Bill Clinton’s side of the 1992 presidential campaign starts out strong. Unfortunately, about midway through it loses steam, and toward the end it’s dragging and preaching in equal, hearty measures. Wag the Dog wasn’t all that great an example of the cinematic art, but it has much more sarcastic bite than this sanctimonious whining. On the other hand, Emma Thompson does a good job in the Hillary Clinton role (and that’s saying something, since generally I don’t care for the characters she typically plays). And John Travolta does an even better job as Bill. Still, their good performances can’t save this bad movie. See if desperate

Review – Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein

Kenneth Branagh’s monster period piece seems to be trying to do for Shelly’s classic what Francis Ford Coppola did for (or maybe “to” is a better term) Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Somewhere in the deep melodrama there are a couple of moments, not the least of which is Robert DeNiro’s ability to bring a believable measure of psychotic menace to the Creature, a thing more frequently portrayed as a misunderstood mute. But we take ourselves oh so seriously, a problem that can probably be laid at the doorstep of Branaugh and former Merchant Ivory regular Helena Bonham Carter. See if desperate

Review – In and Out

This is one of those annoying little films that has just a small handful of moments that make it worth seeing. Fortunately, most of the really good stuff comes during the scenes with Joan Cusack in them, so most of the rest can be fast-forwarded through. Still, for the full effect, watch the whole thing. Most of it is a lot of preachiness about a gay man coming to grips with his sexuality, but there are a few funny detours along this generally pedantic pathway. Mildly amusing

Review – Predator 2

While the sequel doesn’t surpass the original by any stretch of the imagination, it does at least hold up a little better than most. The script leaves a little to be desired in spots (relying heavily on heaps of rectum-obsessed profanity), but the plot keeps moving and the effects aren’t too bad. Maybe I’m reading too much into the whole Predator thing, but I sense at least the undertones of an anti-hunting message. So that’s a plus as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Predator

One of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s better efforts, though I must admit that any high-budget action movie with an underlying anti-hunting message is bound to appeal to me (Surviving the Game being a noteworthy exception to this rule). Here we have The Most Dangerous Game with a twist: the human-hunting antagonist is an alien, presumably a creature from an extraterrestrial race advanced as far beyond humanity as we are above the beasts of the field that we hunt for our amusement. Though the macho posturing gets more than a little thick in places, the plot keeps moving and the action sequences are well directed. Worth seeing

Review – The Postman

Here we have Waterworld without the water, complete with a post-apocalyptic land terrorized by itinerant bandits until a disaffected loner drifts in, takes up with a rail-thin local woman, and ultimately saves the day. Even little stuff (such as a stunt involving a long trip via a convenient cable) is repeated from the last high-priced Costner debacle. Where does he get the money for these things? Who pays for them? Honestly. See if desperate

Review – I Know What You Did Last Summer

Apparently what we did last summer was make yet another run of the mill slasher picture. I concede that I’m not exactly a member of the target audience for these things, so maybe I shouldn’t judge. Still, I can’t help remembering back when director Wes Craven would at least stir the occasional clever element into the mix rather than just have some guy dressed up like the Gorton’s fisherman chasing moronic teenagers around for an hour and a half. This one’s missable unless you’re a big fan of urban legend allusions (to the hook man in this case), and even then you can probably bail after the first 20 minutes or so. See if desperate

Review – Humanoids from the Deep

Let’s say that the shark from Jaws was actually a coelacanth, and that pollution caused it to mutate into a bipedal creature (or collection of creatures, as it turns out) with a yen to walk around on dry land and rape nubile young women. Wow, wouldn’t that make a great movie? Apparently not. Some of the effects are amusing if you’re into guys in big fish suits, but the continuity and other technical problems are legion (how about the woman who’s actually drier after she showers?) and the acting is as laughable as the script. If you’re easily amused by tit shots, you may get a minor bang out of this. Otherwise it doesn’t offer much. Oh, and dog violence warning. See if desperate

Review – Fallen

If you’re looking for evidence that Hollywood movies are now nothing more than plot hash, leftovers from previous Hollywood movies mashed together in new and less than interesting ways, then this one will do wonders for advancing your thesis. The corned beef is supplied by The Hidden, the potatoes are from Shocker (or pick your favorite executed-criminal-comes-back-as-demonic-force picture), and those mystery veggies are probably from The Exorcist. Denzel Washington demonstrates his willingness to squander his talent on crap (as if, after Virtuosity, his “availability” was really an issue), and John Goodman and Donald Sutherland didn’t help. See if desperate

Review – Mars Attacks!

Tim Burton’s war of the worlds picture has some really amusing moments and some other moments that aren’t quite so amusing (including some gratuitous animal violence). Overall, it’s an awkward little movie, more a long collection of gags and art direction than a real plot of any kind. My favorite part: when the grandmother cackles out “They blew up Congress!” Added bonus: features scenes in both Kansas and D.C. Mildly amusing

Review – The Man in the Iron Mask

This is the 1997 version starring everybody and his dead uncle as the intrepid musketeers and Leonardo DiCaprio as the King of France. Yeah, this one is about as good as it sounds. The number of sets they must have had to provide for these scenery-chewing hams must have been astounding. Mildly amusing

Review – Extreme Measures

Tense medical drama a la Coma, complete with evil doings involving helpless research victims. I suspect this looked a little better in the treatment stage than it turned out to be once it was in the can, and at least part of the problem is the script. Though where this film is going is always fairly clear, the plot moves in fits and spurts (wasting a lot of time on the sinister destruction of the Hugh Grant character’s reputation). An occasional good moment, but otherwise this is mostly fodder for ethics professors looking to throw in a videotape for their classes to save them a lecture or two. Mildly amusing

Review – Poltergeist 2

Though it has its moments, this sequel doesn’t have much of the punch of the original. The old guy who plays the evil preacher character does an excellent job, but he’s creepy at least in part because in real life he was suffering from a serious illness (at least if I recall the Hollywood gossip correctly). The writer and/or director devoted way too much time to touchy-feely family togetherness themes, and not enough time to the scary stuff. I mean come on, this is supposed to be a ghost story, right? Even the infamous Puke Monster, designed by H.R. Gieger, doesn’t inspire much beyond a temporary gross-out (even Gieger disowned it). Mildly amusing

Review – Poltergeist

One of the all-time great cinematic ghost stories, even if it does start out as little more than a movie version of the old “Little Girl Lost” episode of The Twilight Zone. This film combines Steven Spielberg’s ability to capture suburban banality with Tobe Hooper’s ability to disrupt suburban banality with his sense of the macabre. The two make a good combination, inasmuch as Hooper keeps the film from becoming ET-syrupy sweet, and Spielberg helps Hooper overcome his abysmal sense of pace and timing. The effects aren’t knock-down terrific, but they’re good sight gags. Of course, the real nightmare was actually having the what-if-the-forces-of-evil-stole-your-house question on a real estate final in law school (no doubt the professor’s largely unsuccessful attempt at humor). Oh, and then there’s the curse (two of the actors who played the kids are dead, one the victim of a bizarre crime and the other the victim of a bizarre medical mishap). Buy the tape

Review – The Howling

Although this is one of the better werewolf flicks to come out of Hollywood in recent years, it still suffers from some of the traditional werewolf setbacks. The biggest among these is the dreaded transformation scene, where the plot drops dead for a couple of minutes while the audience is forced to behold one of the actors acquiring enough makeup appliances to become a giant dog. Sure, it’s well done here (for the most part; a couple of shots look like broom handles pushing latex, and transforming Dee Wallace into a great big Pekinese dog probably wasn’t the world’s brightest idea), but it’s still a show-stopper in the not-good way. Once the werewolves actually assume their lupine forms, however, the creatures in specific and the film in general work pretty well. Of course, having a script by John Sayles never hurts. Worth seeing

Review – The Bodyguard

They must’ve wanted someone besides Whitney Houston for this role. I mean, Kevin Costner does a pretty good job (mostly because I think he’s pretty well suited to the straight-laced, conservative stiff role). But Houston? Here she’s cast as an egotistical celebrity rather than the sweet girl-next-door that’s served her as a persona throughout most of her musical career. They must have wanted Madonna or something, but I guess that wouldn’t have worked out after the thing between her and Costner in Truth or Dare. In any event, the whole idea of the awkward relationship between the spoiled singer and her gritty bodyguard was a pretty good plot concept, but somehow it just doesn’t seem to work here. Again, my guess is bad chemistry between the stars. Mildly amusing

Review – Supercop

Low production values. No plot to speak of. Awe-inspiring stunt work. Athletic, acrobatic flying fists of kung fu death. In other words, yet another typical Jackie Chan movie. This one finds Chan working undercover as a Hong Kong cop cooperating with his female counterpart from the PROC. Worth seeing

Review – Howard Stern’s Private Parts

Wow, the world’s most repulsive mental-and-emotional-ten-year-old jerk has a human side. He’s a good family man, not a racist and a pervert. It’s all just an act. Who would have guessed? Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Steel

Thank goodness for HBO; otherwise, I’d never see films like this. Steel is another film based on a comic book, but this time at least it’s a mainstream Superman semi-spin-off rather than one of those dreary goth-fests known to the world as graphic novels. Don’t get me wrong; this one isn’t exactly a masterpiece of the cinematic arts. But the pubescent target audience will probably enjoy the show, and there are a fair number of little moments (such as the Shaquile O’Neal character’s trouble shooting baskets or the Richard Roundtree character making a Shaft reference) to keep adults at least semi-engaged. If nothing else, it’s nice to see Hollywood take an interest in doing a superhero flick with a non-Caucasian protagonist. Mildly amusing

Review – Young Frankenstein

Mel Brooks back when he was still funny. The jokes are old and tired, but somehow I just can’t keep myself from laughing at them. And of course the “Puttin’ on the Ritz” scene endures as a classic of film comedy. They don’t make ’em like this anymore ... well, Mel Brooks sure as heck doesn’t make ’em like this anymore. Worth seeing

Review – House of Wax

This famous Vincent Price vehicle is such a classic that it’s pretty much a cliché at this point. You’ve heard the plot before: mad genius artist makes ultra-lifelike wax dummies for his museum by killing people and coating them with wax. Sure, it’s dated, and the fact that it was originally shot in 3-D makes some of the visuals a little weird (especially the paddle-ball sequence). But it still holds up, due in large measure to Price’s wonderful performance. Worth seeing

Review – Exit to Eden

One part Dan Akroyd/Rosie O’Donnell caper comedy, one part Dana Delaney Cinemax-Friday-After-Dark softcore porn, and one part Anne Rice S&M hokum. I’d love to know at what point in the planning stages this actually sounded like a good idea. No matter which film type you like, this one’s likely to spend so much time showing you the other types that you’re probably going to walk away unhappy. And if you hate all three of them, it’s a lock. See if desperate

Review – Wishmaster

Three wishes, huh? Wow, I’ve never heard that one before. Let’s see. Okay, my first wish is that this film had never been made. Wes Craven has a producer credit on this one, but otherwise it’s a fairly unremarkable tale of a Djinn attempting to return from another dimension and rule the earth, something he can apparently only accomplish after he grants someone the traditional, tedious three wishes. About the only notable thing about the film is a handful of cameos by actors famous for doing other horror movies (including Tony Todd of Candyman fame, the bald guy from the Phantasm series and the guy who’s played bums in at least a couple of John Carpenter movies). See if desperate

Review – Escape from L.A.

Snake is indeed back, but he’s getting a bit long in the tooth for this kind of thing. Longer on action and shorter on plot than the original, this one’s not as good as Escape from New York but nonetheless merits a look. On the other hand, if you’ve seen the first one then you’ve pretty much seen this one as well; in fact, whole large sections of L.A. seem to be little more than in-jokes for those who’ve seen New York several dozen times (not mentioning any bush-league film critics by name). Worth seeing

Review – Escape from New York

Snake Plissken may well prove to be Kurt Russell’s finest hour. The plot is as implausible as it is innovative: New York City has been transformed into a giant, maximum security prison, and Air Force One is forced to crash-land therein. Our hero, a desperado headed for the big island anyway, is recruited by the government to save the President. The action is well done, and the plot keeps moving pretty well. In the end, though, it’s probably Russell’s performance as the anti-establishment rebel Snake that carries the day. The DVD includes few special features and thus has little to recommend it beyond the widescreen presentation format (though to be fair the widescreen thing does add more than a little to some of the scenes). Buy the tape