Review – The Shrine

Sorry, Eastern Europe. If it’s a choice between young Americans from the East Coast getting murdered for daring to venture into Poland or Romania or getting murdered for daring to venture into the Midwest, it’s a relief to see folks on the other side of the Atlantic take the hillbilly hit for a change. Reporters searching for a missing teen stumble across an eerie patch of stationary fog in the middle of nowhere. In the misty depths sits a statue of a demon. Sadly, nothing that happens afterward is either surprising or scary. If only they’d opted to stick with unexplained spookiness rather than devolving into splatter. But judging by the general quality of the script, acting and directing, making a smart horror movie wasn’t an option. See if desperate

Review – The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)

Not exactly Stuart Gordon’s finest moment. If this slasherized version of the Inquisition ever had a chance – and that’s a huge “if” – it’s completely undone by an evil combination of Torquemada’s torture chamber painted with bad airbrushed van art and Oliver Reed staggering through briefly as a cardinal with an Italian accent worthy of Chico Marx. This is the sort of picture that might count as unintentional comedy if not for the rampant misogyny. See if desperate

Review – Resident Evil: Degeneration

I like cut scenes in videogames. They provide an opportunity to rest weary fingers, stand up, stretch, maybe even pause for something to eat (or at least a bathroom break). A good set of cut scenes can even weave an interesting plot into what might otherwise be a mindless shooter. But an hour and a half of cut-scene-worthy animation passed off as a movie? Nah, doesn’t work. See if desperate

Review – Season of the Witch (2011)

Once again I found myself wondering why Hollywood would blow so much money on such a pointless production. They got stars (Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman, though neither of these guys has a sterling reputation for good choice in acting jobs). They got special effects. They built large sets and shot epic battle scenes. But to what avail? A couple of deserters from the Crusades find themselves drafted for the errand-boy task of escorting a caged witch through a dense forest. Eventually the picture manages to pop out the demon effects, but by then it’s already worn out a considerable amount of welcome with extended forest-wandering, dog death and other unwelcome delays. See if desperate

Review – Shadow Puppets

A handful of people wake up trapped in a prison/asylum/somesuch wearing nothing but matching underwear and with no memory of who they are or how they got there. Though the set-up is a little too Saw for my taste, the antagonist turns out to be a shadowy monster rather than a garden-variety serial killer. The supernatural menace isn’t a vast improvement over the usual psycho, but it’s at least a baby step in the right direction. See if desperate

Review – Red State

Kevin Smith continues his quest to create the Most Perfectly Dreadful Movie Ever Made, coming damn close with this effort. Three suburban teens in search of a four-way are lured out of the city and into a trap set by a cult of religious nuts who prove to be part Westboro Baptists, part Branch Davidians and part Texas Chainsaw family. The religious nuts’ extended preaching and torture-killing their “guests” is interrupted by an ATF raid, and oddly things manage to go downhill from there. Maybe I’m just so used to Fred Phelps that I don’t get much entertainment value out of a homicidal parody of his bullshit. I don’t know if Smith was trying to make another comedy or a torture porn movie or a message piece or some combination of the three, but what he ends up making is a wasteful mess. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Paranormal Activity 2

In the wake of the Blair Witch phenomenon, Hollywood made the mistake of churning out a sequel that took the narrative horror route rather than the verité approach that made the original famous. This sequel doesn’t depart quite as radically from the first installment, but it’s still far more of a traditional horror story than its predecessor. Sadly, that means it does everything perfectly wrong. The lack of anything significantly terrifying throughout all of the first half of the production is boring without instilling a sense of foreboding. Honestly, it’s like watching home videos from somebody you don’t know. Nor do things improve once somebody finally thinks to throw the booga-booga switch. The show manages a chill or two, but nothing worth the running time or the constant menace to a child or the family dog. See if desperate