At the outset let me say that I pass no judgment on a person’s character based on
their service record or lack of same. Among the former EightSails staff, one never contemplated enlisting at all, one served for several
years in the Navy and the third made it most of the way through MEPS
before the Army finally admitted that it didn’t have any openings in the
MOS the recruiter implied he could sign up for. And of course we all
have family and friends who’ve served with distinction and others who
actively protested the Vietnam War. From this we’ve learned that it
takes all kinds.
One kind that we wish it didn’t take, however, is the War Weenie, the
jerk who won’t do any significant military service himself but has no
problem at all making a ton of money playing super-macho commandos in
movies that help convince others to enlist and place themselves in
harm’s way. This talk talking without walk walking is frankly shameful.
These eight really ought to take every penny they’ve made from pro-war media and donate it all to veterans’ organizations.
John Wayne – If they gave a medal for this particular brand of
hypocrisy, it would be named “The Three M” after Marion Mitchell
Morrison. There’s some dispute about the circumstances that kept Wayne
out of the draft during World War Two, but the fact remains that he
never served a day. The closest he ever came was a publicity tour of the
South Pacific. William J. “Wild Bill” Donovan, the head of the OSS,
asked Wayne to do a little intelligence gathering while he was there,
but even at this simple task he didn’t meet with much success. Not
exactly the hero of
The Sands of Iwo Jima and
The Green Berets.
Sylvester Stallone – The closest Stallone ever came to the Army was
getting sent to military school as a kid. Despite being desperate enough
for money to do a porn movie in the early 70s, enlistment apparently
wasn’t in the cards for him. But then he went on to rake in the bucks
for playing Green Beret John Rambo. If he’d left off after
First Blood,
I wouldn’t be picking on him; that one was a reasonably sensitive
portrayal of some of the injustices faced by Vietnam veterans trying to
return to civilian life. Oh, but then he made the Reagan-era sequel,
cashing in on the POW-MIA issue and pontificating heavily along the way.
Two more similar sequels and a host of other military roles thoroughly
brand him as a war weenie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger – Unlike the rest of the mooks on this list,
Schwarzenegger at least technically served in the military. Of course a
year of military service was compulsory for all young Austrian men, so
it isn’t like he had a choice. But before he even finished basic
training he spent time in the lock-up for going AWOL to participate in a
bodybuilding competition. Later he was involved in taking a joy ride
with a tank, complete with infantry clinging on for their lives. Not
exactly the level of dedication to duty – however vile – shown by his father, SA
volunteer Gustav Schwarzenegger.
Steven Seagal – Unlike some other Hollywood action movie stars, Seagal
actually is a legitimate martial artist. Though we’d never dispute his
skill at Aikido, he has no military record at all. So when he plays
former Special Forces guys in movies such as
Above the Law and
Under Siege, well, maybe he should just stick to kicking bad guys’ asses without incorporating a lot of back story.
Tom Cruise –
Top Gun is arguably the greatest piece of movie
propaganda ever made outside the Soviet Union. Further, Cruise got his
acting career underway playing an ultra-fanatical cadet in
Taps.
And as of this writing he’s on his umpteenth go-around as super special
operative Ethan Hunt. Do I even have to tell you he never spent a second
in the military?
Mark Wahlberg – Marky Mark doesn’t specialize exclusively in military
roles, but he’s made a buck or two from such parts over the years
(particularly
Three Kings and
Shooter). But if he’d
wanted to enlist, his prospects wouldn’t have been great. Even during a
downturn in recruitment, the services would have struggled with the jail
time he did for committing a hate crime. Oh, and the drug abuse.
Lee Greenwood – There ain’t no doubt, he loves this land. Just not
enough to enlist. So we’re clear, let me repeat that it’s perfectly
possible to be a patriot without being a current or former member of the
military. But Greenwood’s made a tidy sum since Gulf War One as the
unofficial balladeer of ventures that place our soldiers and sailors in
harm’s way with murky objectives and nonexistent exit strategies. That
money hasn’t ever been anywhere near his mouth.
Toby Keith – In addition to singing songs about going out lynching,
Keith penned a little ditty called “Courtesy of the Red, White and
Blue.” Now, I’ll freely grant the man the right to be royally pissed
about the Sept. 11 attacks. But for all his bluster, the boot that gets
twisted off in terrorism’s collective ass won’t be on his foot. His dad
was a soldier, but not him.
