Review – Vlad the Impaler

Every once in awhile you owe it to yourself to watch a propaganda movie from another nation. That way you can clearly see the witless stupidity without the cultural pressure to uncritically accept the story and its morals. So if you don’t happen to be Turkish, this should be a good choice for you. A 15th century commando squad working for Mehmet the Conqueror goes in search of revenge against Vlad Tepes. Dracula is nobody’s notion of a benevolent ruler, which makes him a natural bad guy from the Muslim perspective. Still, this is so cartoonishly dumb that it almost makes him look good. See if desperate

Review – The Unwilling

A rich old man dies, leaving his obnoxious heirs a box that, when opened, releases a supernatural force that’s equal parts evil, stupid and predictable. Bickering and bush league gore ensues. The cast includes a few faces – particularly Lance Henriksen and Dina Meyer – who used to have better agents. See if desperate

Review – Smile 2

I admit to skipping the first one (cat death), so if there’s something significant about characters occasionally grinning like idiots – beyond the explanation awkwardly shoehorned in toward the end of act two – then I may be missing the reference. Beyond that this is an exceptionally mopey piece about a singer slowly going nuts. Or is she? Or does it even matter? Honestly this spends enough time on centered shots to come across as Wes Anderson on PCP and horse tranquilizers. If your notion of horror is mostly just awkward, prepare to be chilled to the bone. See if desperate

Review – The Quatermass Xperiment

Though clunky by modern standards, this is a revolutionary blend of space travel and cosmic horror from Hammer Films way back in 1955. The notorious Dr. Quatermass shows a stereotypical scientist’s disinterest in the human effects of an unauthorized space travel experiment that kills two astronauts and turns the third into a human-alien blend. This would have gotten a higher rating if not for all the animal deaths. Also released as The Creeping Unknown. Mildly amusing

Review – The Resonator: Miskatonic U

Nostalgic for the heyday of Full Moon Videos? Apparently you aren’t alone. This is a semi-loving homage to what Stuart Gordon did with H.P. Lovecraft’s “From Beyond,” complete with rubbery effects and gratuitous boob shots. See if desperate

Abandoned movie – Riddick

Ten minutes in, the relentless animal death showed no signs of stopping. The fact that all the animals were obvious CGI didn’t make it any better.

Review – Werewolves Within

The time-honored tradition of making terrible movies based on video games continues. This time the source was a game I’ve never heard of and definitely won’t be seeking out. Sitcom B-listers do their best to make the sitcom script seem quirky rather than juvenile. But there just isn’t enough story here to last for anything near the running time. Particularly annoying was the “who’s the werewolf?” trope, a question that was rendered almost completely moot by the high casualty rate prior to the lycanthrope’s only actual onscreen appearance late in the movie. See if desperate

Review – 15 Minutes of Shame

Monica Lewinsky narrates this exploration of the often-disastrous consequences of unintentionally getting caught up in controversies, especially in the age of social media. The production provides excellent background information about how the system works. My sole misgiving about this is that the case studies seemed oddly off point. The first guy was making money reselling on Amazon, a pastime he might easily have avoided, especially when it drew him into the middle of the hoarding and profiteering scandals of the COVID pandemic. The second subject tells a better story, the only problem being that he would likely have told the same story as a cover if he’d been malicious rather than careless. The final example – and the saddest of the three – was in fact minding her own business when she ended up in the crosshairs of internet scum. But she wasn’t being shamed for anything. She was being attacked for being Black, which was both true and not shameful. Though I appreciated the information and analysis, I’d love to see this remade with a different set of demonstrations. Mildly amusing

Review – The Exorcism

 When did horror movies turn so damn mopey? Probably around the same time a casting call for “corpulent and dull” got the attention of Russel Crowe’s agent. This is a fictionalized “making of” adaptation of The Exorcist, with scary replaced by strange. For example, the protagonist horrifies his long-suffering 16-year-old daughter (played by 25-year-old Ryan Simpkins) by pulling a Verne Troyer in the lobby of their apartment building. Is he possessed by a demon? Has he fallen off the wagon? Is he gripped by PTSD from being molested by a priest as a child? After an hour and a half of this, I honestly didn’t care. See if desperate

Review – The 800

Action movie meets propaganda picture in this telling of the Thermopylae-esque tale of Chinese resistance to the Japanese invasion of Shanghai in 1937. A small cadre of (mostly) brave soldiers fight the cruel, relentless enemy for possession of a factory, gradually winning support from the residents of the British protectorate across the river. Though the storytelling is ham-handed, production values are high and slow points are rare. Mildly amusing

Review – Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

I made the mistake of watching this back to back with the original, which served to accent the utter charmlessness of the sequel. Rather than a cohesive story, this is more of an assemblage of inside jokes and other sub-references. Typical of the experience is the musical number: Harry Belafonte gives way to an awkwardly-choreographed and far too long lip sync to “MacArthur Park.” Between the odd bits of improv and dancing around absent cast members from the first one, there just isn’t enough to make this entertaining. See if desperate

Review – Chiefsaholic

Xaviar Babudar had it all: a fanatical love of the Kansas City Chiefs, an active social media presence, a powerful passion for high stakes gambling, and a willingness to rob banks to fund his habits. Stir in a bail jump followed by a cross-country chase, and you’ve got enough for a two hour documentary, more or less. Mildly amusing

Review – Mascots

I almost skipped this one, in part because I’m not currently a Netflix subscriber and in part because I’ve been unimpressed by the trajectory of Christopher Guest’s ensemble comedies. For Your Consideration was bad enough to make me swear off further efforts, but the assurances of someone I trust led me to give this one a try. I’m glad I did. This returns to the plot structure of Best in Show, only this time focusing on a sports mascot competition. The outre subject leads to some delightfully bizarre moments, and the cast doesn’t disappoint. Worth seeing