Eight War Weenies

At the outset let me say that I pass no judgment on a person’s character based on their service record or lack of same. Among the former EightSails staff, one never contemplated enlisting at all, one served for several years in the Navy and the third made it most of the way through MEPS before the Army finally admitted that it didn’t have any openings in the MOS the recruiter implied he could sign up for. And of course we all have family and friends who’ve served with distinction and others who actively protested the Vietnam War. From this we’ve learned that it takes all kinds.

One kind that we wish it didn’t take, however, is the War Weenie, the jerk who won’t do any significant military service himself but has no problem at all making a ton of money playing super-macho commandos in movies that help convince others to enlist and place themselves in harm’s way. This talk talking without walk walking is frankly shameful. These eight really ought to take every penny they’ve made from pro-war media and donate it all to veterans’ organizations.

John Wayne – If they gave a medal for this particular brand of hypocrisy, it would be named “The Three M” after Marion Mitchell Morrison. There’s some dispute about the circumstances that kept Wayne out of the draft during World War Two, but the fact remains that he never served a day. The closest he ever came was a publicity tour of the South Pacific. William J. “Wild Bill” Donovan, the head of the OSS, asked Wayne to do a little intelligence gathering while he was there, but even at this simple task he didn’t meet with much success. Not exactly the hero of The Sands of Iwo Jima and The Green Berets.

Sylvester Stallone – The closest Stallone ever came to the Army was getting sent to military school as a kid. Despite being desperate enough for money to do a porn movie in the early 70s, enlistment apparently wasn’t in the cards for him. But then he went on to rake in the bucks for playing Green Beret John Rambo. If he’d left off after First Blood, I wouldn’t be picking on him; that one was a reasonably sensitive portrayal of some of the injustices faced by Vietnam veterans trying to return to civilian life. Oh, but then he made the Reagan-era sequel, cashing in on the POW-MIA issue and pontificating heavily along the way. Two more similar sequels and a host of other military roles thoroughly brand him as a war weenie.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Unlike the rest of the mooks on this list, Schwarzenegger at least technically served in the military. Of course a year of military service was compulsory for all young Austrian men, so it isn’t like he had a choice. But before he even finished basic training he spent time in the lock-up for going AWOL to participate in a bodybuilding competition. Later he was involved in taking a joy ride with a tank, complete with infantry clinging on for their lives. Not exactly the level of dedication to duty – however vile – shown by his father, SA volunteer Gustav Schwarzenegger.

Steven Seagal – Unlike some other Hollywood action movie stars, Seagal actually is a legitimate martial artist. Though we’d never dispute his skill at Aikido, he has no military record at all. So when he plays former Special Forces guys in movies such as Above the Law and Under Siege, well, maybe he should just stick to kicking bad guys’ asses without incorporating a lot of back story.

Tom Cruise – Top Gun is arguably the greatest piece of movie propaganda ever made outside the Soviet Union. Further, Cruise got his acting career underway playing an ultra-fanatical cadet in Taps. And as of this writing he’s on his umpteenth go-around as super special operative Ethan Hunt. Do I even have to tell you he never spent a second in the military?

Mark Wahlberg – Marky Mark doesn’t specialize exclusively in military roles, but he’s made a buck or two from such parts over the years (particularly Three Kings and Shooter). But if he’d wanted to enlist, his prospects wouldn’t have been great. Even during a downturn in recruitment, the services would have struggled with the jail time he did for committing a hate crime. Oh, and the drug abuse.

Lee Greenwood – There ain’t no doubt, he loves this land. Just not enough to enlist. So we’re clear, let me repeat that it’s perfectly possible to be a patriot without being a current or former member of the military. But Greenwood’s made a tidy sum since Gulf War One as the unofficial balladeer of ventures that place our soldiers and sailors in harm’s way with murky objectives and nonexistent exit strategies. That money hasn’t ever been anywhere near his mouth.

Toby Keith – In addition to singing songs about going out lynching, Keith penned a little ditty called “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue.” Now, I’ll freely grant the man the right to be royally pissed about the Sept. 11 attacks. But for all his bluster, the boot that gets twisted off in terrorism’s collective ass won’t be on his foot. His dad was a soldier, but not him.