The Dumbass Manifesto

 or The Gospel According to Product Liability Lawyers

I really want to know what silica packing gel tastes like.

Hot coffee is hot? Really? I had no idea.

The filling of hot apple pies is hot too? Will wonders never cease?

Finding the plastic baby in king cake is even better luck if you eat it.

I am startled to learn that rat poison is poisonous.

I could easily shave five minutes off my morning if only I could take a bath and use an electric hair dryer to dry my hair at the same time.

Somebody told me once that the best way to clean lawnmower blades is to start the engine, turn the mower over and reach in with my hands.

This also works with garbage disposals.

Kids love to play with plastic bags. Suffocation, smuffocation.

I fully intend to use the commentary tracks on DVDs for a purpose other than entertainment as soon as I can figure out what that other purpose might possibly be.

Further, I plan to infer resemblances between characters in the movie and actual persons living or dead.

I need to keep my engine running while I’m pumping gas. What if I have to make a quick getaway or something?

And why is it that it’s okay for me to talk on my cell phone while I’m in distracted control of a potentially accident-causing vehicle but not while I’m pumping my gas?

I have an allergy to fish. Tell me, o wonderous sign on the Long John Silver’s drive-thru window, is seafood prepared at this location?

One from a reader: a cell phone that came with this admonition, “Do not place in microwave, clothes dryer or pressure cooker.” Now, I can see the deal with microwaves and dryers, which come with their own timers. But when using a pressure cooker, it would be really handy to toss a phone in so the chicken can call you when it’s done.