The annual parade rant (part three)

The holiday season is now officially upon us. Actually, it starts sometime right around the end of the World Series and runs until whenever school starts back up again. So the annual Macy’s Day Parade rant is really more of a Midholiday’s Night celebration.

This year’s experience was radically different from years past. As everyone who knows me is already oh-please-shut-up-about-it-already aware, we’re getting television exclusively from the Internet now. Thus deprived of the broadcast networks and their local affiliates, I couldn’t watch the usual parade coverage.

A quick web search uncovered a live feed from Earthcam. The site had a handful of views, most of which were breathtaking vistas of people standing on the sidewalk (must have been some kind of cell-phone-home-and-tell-everyone-I’m-on-TV thing). But one camera was perched well above street level in Times Square, and it afforded a fairly good view.

Indeed, it brought me mindful of the scene in Miracle on 34th Street in which Natalie Wood watches the parade from a neighbor’s apartment window. When I was a kid, that seemed like the bestest fun next to pie. Now watching the parade from a $10,000 per month apartment is on my bucket list (if by “bucket list” you mean “I’d rather put a metal bucket over my head and hit it repeatedly with a hammer than do that”).

The web cam was much more like actually watching the parade, so that was fun. However, it deprived me of many of my usual rant targets, such as musical numbers gaily pranced out in the street in front of Macy’s, the insanely inane commentary from network morning show hosts who lacked sufficient seniority to avoid working on a holiday, and of course celebrity float riders aging poorly or lip-syncing badly. So this year rant fans will just have to make do with the view from five or six stories up.

I tuned in right around the time the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon was drifting past. The trivia nerds at Mental Floss helpfully tweeted that the Doughboy’s actual name is “Poppin’ Fresh.” Which of course everybody knows. They then rattled off the names of his wife and children. I considered tweeting back that around the Lens household his name is The Pillsbury Dough Bastard and his wife and kids don’t have names because who gives a shit, but somehow it seemed not in keeping with the situation. So I watched it long enough to make sure Gozer the Gozerian wasn’t about to manifest.

Oh, and speaking of Mental Floss, the article they did on parade mishaps mentioned that one year it was raining and the Popeye balloon’s hat started to trap water. Eventually it got so full that the helium wouldn’t hold it up anymore, and it suddenly dumped gallons of icy water into the crowd. I couldn’t help thinking about that when the Pikachu balloon drifted by, because the view from above revealed a disturbing fontanel in the back of its head. Even more disturbing: Microsoft Word’s spell check recognizes “Pikachu” as a word.

The next thing that caught my eye was a marching band clad in matching red shirts and grass skirts. From above they looked like some kind of weird thing you might see under a microscope, an effect aided by the absence of chipper commentary on their outfits.

Also without commentary it was hard to tell if the next balloon of note was DreamWorks’s Kung Fu Panda or Renegade Animation’s Chop Kick Panda. What oh what could be drifting down Broadway, a huge corporate franchise or a thinly-disguised mockbuster? Without Katie Couric, I’ll never know for sure.

Next up, the Energizer Bunny. The Energizer Bunny? Really? At this point in our nation’s history, this thing is less about reliable batteries and more about the zombie movie advice to shoot ‘em in the head because wounds below the neckline don’t kill ‘em. Likewise the Smurfs ought probably to have been ashamed to show their blue balloony selves after the movie they put out last summer.

From my e-perch up above, a squad of what must have been Southern Belles looked like a wave of gone-over Easter Hershey’s Kisses all covered in pastel mold.

Around this time my attention strayed for a bit. As elf drill teams and the like meandered past, I started noticing things going on in the background. In particular: does Times Square really have an Olive Garden? Does it really?

The last actual parade element that caught my eye was a vehicle disguised as a giant Christmas ornament. Its dizzying gyrations from one side of the road to the other made my heart go out to the poor sap who had to drive the thing in circles all along the parade route. Were I that hapless wight, children throughout the Big Apple would forever know that particular attraction as the Big Ball That Smelled Like a Lot of Puke. In the spirit of the holiday, that made me thankful for a comfortable living far away from the East Coast (though I could be lured back to do the driving if the Big Ball was going to get to Herald Square, burst in half and reveal the Deathmobile inside).

Sadly, toward the end of the parade the cats started doing something adorable and/or annoying, and I got back to my computer just in time to watch the crowds dispersing and the cross-traffic once again flowing across Broadway. Guess I’ll just have to catch Santa next year.

Review – Death Becomes Her

Saying “This would have been a better movie if it hadn’t been a stupid comedy” is a little like saying “Bruce Willis would be a better actor if he had an ounce of talent.” Two Ladies of a Certain Age (Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn) up the ante in their battle over a man (Willis) by taking an eternal youth potion. Sadly for them, the potion keeps them going even after they’re both killed (head twisted around backward and huge shotgun hole in abdomen, respectively). Some of the effects are sorta fun, but the script relies far too heavily on silly clichés. A screwball comedy doesn’t need to be acted as intensely as something more serious, but there’s still a big difference between “employing a lighter touch” and “phoning it in.” See if desperate

Review – After.Life

This is one of the most annoying movies I’ve seen in quite some time. Is this young accident victim (Christina Ricci) dead, or is she being held captive by a psychotic funeral director (Liam Neeson)? After less than half an hour of this mess I’d thoroughly ceased to give a shit. They blew the bucks for the cast and the production values, but at heart this is a meandering piece of amateur theatre. If you’re a big fan of go-nowhere plot twists or just desperate to see Ricci with her clothes off, then this is the movie for you. Otherwise ...  see if desperate

Review – Insidious

Though this is a straightforward narrative production rather than a fakeumentary, this picture nonetheless clearly surfs the current Paranormal Activity wave. Parents employ a psychic to help figure out why their son suddenly slipped into a mysterious coma. Turns out his spirit is trapped in a spooky netherworld while back on our plane of existence a Darth-Maul-looking demon is trying to worm its way into the kid’s body. The IMDb notes said that the screenwriter stuck a list of horror movie clichés to avoid next to his computer while he was working. What a shame he forgot to add “Don’t rely on booga-booga shots to replace plot developments” and “Whatever you do, don’t ever end a scene by having a character suddenly wake up from a nightmare.” At least some of the booga-boogas kinda work. Mildly amusing

Review – Paris Is Burning

This documentary about drag queen competitions in New York is actually a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. The film focuses on the poor, black drag community, folks who live for the temporary escape afforded by balls held at clubs such as Paris Is Burning. I was a little annoyed at the organization of the story. Clips sorted according to the various sub-themes of the competitions rather than showing a single ball from start to finish. Though this helps illustrate the various “specialties,” it makes it hard to get a feel for what the overall experience is like. But the real draws of the movie are the people, ranging from the “legendary mothers” of the various houses to new kids just entering the life. I just wish the picture wasn’t forever linked in my mind with a cooking mishap that occurred while I was watching it for the first time. Worth seeing

Review – To Kill a King

When faced with a movie about a subject as morally ambiguous as the English Civil War, the easiest way to figure out who the hero’s going to be is to compare the cast list to the executive producer credits. In this case the good guy is Thomas Fairfax (Dougray Scott), a member of the nobility and rebel leader who managed to disassociate himself with both King Charles I (Rupert Everett) and his former subordinate Oliver Cromwell (Tim Roth). The production is pretty, but the story is no less dull for all the cash lavished upon it. Mildly amusing

Review – SWAT: Fire Fight

Like the first SWAT movie, the best part of the picture is the reworking of the theme music from the old TV show. Unlike the first one, this entry sports no movie stars (unless the aging guy who played the T-1000 counts as a star). And amazingly enough, the script is even worse. A mook from the LAPD is dispatched to Detroit to train the Motor City’s team in hostage rescue techniques. After an assignment gone bad, he runs afoul of a psycho who starts playing a deadly dull game of cat and mouse with the cops. If you like dramatic productions composed primarily of training exercises, they finally made a movie for you. The rest of us needn’t bother. See if desperate

Review – Game of Death (2010)

Once again Wesley Snipes pays the bills by taking the lead in an unimaginative action movie. This time around he’s an elite bodyguard trying to save his employer from money-grubbing kidnappers. Perhaps if the script had been a little better ... but then the scripts in these things seldom are. See if desperate

Review – The Shrine

Sorry, Eastern Europe. If it’s a choice between young Americans from the East Coast getting murdered for daring to venture into Poland or Romania or getting murdered for daring to venture into the Midwest, it’s a relief to see folks on the other side of the Atlantic take the hillbilly hit for a change. Reporters searching for a missing teen stumble across an eerie patch of stationary fog in the middle of nowhere. In the misty depths sits a statue of a demon. Sadly, nothing that happens afterward is either surprising or scary. If only they’d opted to stick with unexplained spookiness rather than devolving into splatter. But judging by the general quality of the script, acting and directing, making a smart horror movie wasn’t an option. See if desperate

Review – The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)

Not exactly Stuart Gordon’s finest moment. If this slasherized version of the Inquisition ever had a chance – and that’s a huge “if” – it’s completely undone by an evil combination of Torquemada’s torture chamber painted with bad airbrushed van art and Oliver Reed staggering through briefly as a cardinal with an Italian accent worthy of Chico Marx. This is the sort of picture that might count as unintentional comedy if not for the rampant misogyny. See if desperate

Review – Resident Evil: Degeneration

I like cut scenes in videogames. They provide an opportunity to rest weary fingers, stand up, stretch, maybe even pause for something to eat (or at least a bathroom break). A good set of cut scenes can even weave an interesting plot into what might otherwise be a mindless shooter. But an hour and a half of cut-scene-worthy animation passed off as a movie? Nah, doesn’t work. See if desperate

Review – Season of the Witch (2011)

Once again I found myself wondering why Hollywood would blow so much money on such a pointless production. They got stars (Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman, though neither of these guys has a sterling reputation for good choice in acting jobs). They got special effects. They built large sets and shot epic battle scenes. But to what avail? A couple of deserters from the Crusades find themselves drafted for the errand-boy task of escorting a caged witch through a dense forest. Eventually the picture manages to pop out the demon effects, but by then it’s already worn out a considerable amount of welcome with extended forest-wandering, dog death and other unwelcome delays. See if desperate

Review – Shadow Puppets

A handful of people wake up trapped in a prison/asylum/somesuch wearing nothing but matching underwear and with no memory of who they are or how they got there. Though the set-up is a little too Saw for my taste, the antagonist turns out to be a shadowy monster rather than a garden-variety serial killer. The supernatural menace isn’t a vast improvement over the usual psycho, but it’s at least a baby step in the right direction. See if desperate

Review – Red State

Kevin Smith continues his quest to create the Most Perfectly Dreadful Movie Ever Made, coming damn close with this effort. Three suburban teens in search of a four-way are lured out of the city and into a trap set by a cult of religious nuts who prove to be part Westboro Baptists, part Branch Davidians and part Texas Chainsaw family. The religious nuts’ extended preaching and torture-killing their “guests” is interrupted by an ATF raid, and oddly things manage to go downhill from there. Maybe I’m just so used to Fred Phelps that I don’t get much entertainment value out of a homicidal parody of his bullshit. I don’t know if Smith was trying to make another comedy or a torture porn movie or a message piece or some combination of the three, but what he ends up making is a wasteful mess. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Paranormal Activity 2

In the wake of the Blair Witch phenomenon, Hollywood made the mistake of churning out a sequel that took the narrative horror route rather than the verité approach that made the original famous. This sequel doesn’t depart quite as radically from the first installment, but it’s still far more of a traditional horror story than its predecessor. Sadly, that means it does everything perfectly wrong. The lack of anything significantly terrifying throughout all of the first half of the production is boring without instilling a sense of foreboding. Honestly, it’s like watching home videos from somebody you don’t know. Nor do things improve once somebody finally thinks to throw the booga-booga switch. The show manages a chill or two, but nothing worth the running time or the constant menace to a child or the family dog. See if desperate