What a muddled mess of a miniseries. Though this thing has many failings, the worst among them is that the folks who made it never seem to make up their minds about what they’re making. Is it a medical drama? A medical sitcom? A Stephen King novel? A collection of Stephen King short stories? Something else entirely? It never really settles down.
In a way that’s understandable. Everything it tries to be has been successful in the past. People like fried chicken. People like mustard. People like chocolate pudding. So why wouldn’t people go for fried chicken mustard chocolate pudding?
But there are forces at work here other than pure mass marketing. In particular, I have to wonder if the doctor drama series elements aren’t somehow connected to a bit of ER envy, King’s attempt to match the success of fellow Overpaid Authors Club member Michael Crichton. On the other hand, maybe they just didn’t have enough material to get 15 hours out of any one kind of show, so they mashed it all together to stretch it out a bit. Actually more than a bit, now that it’s mentioned.
In any event, it doesn’t work. For example, at one point a decapitated corpse wanders the hospital halls in search of its head. So that’s horror. Its head is missing because of a prank doctors were trying to play on each other. So that’s the doctor show element. But as the search continues, the soundtrack starts blaring the Basement Jaxx. If the corpse had a head, I’m sure it would be rolling its eyes at this point. Goodness knows I was.
But the whole chicken mustard pudding thing isn’t the series’ sole failing. Many of the elements fail entirely on their own merit or lack of same. In particular, the villainous Dr. Stegman is one of the most ineptly-crafted characters King ever came up with. Though Bruce Davison does a craftsmanlike job in the role, he isn’t given anything to work with. This guy is just nothing but wrong. No redeeming characteristics at all. As a surgeon he’s incompetent at best. As an official at the hospital he’s an overbearing jerk. As a person he’s a greedy, inconsiderate asshole.
The real failing of the character’s role in the drama is that he’s the constant butt of everything. He’s handed small defeats throughout the entire series, and then the penultimate episode is devoted almost entirely to dumping on the guy. He’s a louse, but bullying him is a piss-poor excuse for either justice or entertainment.
Many other elements are similarly weak. Along the way we’re “treated” to a magical couple with Down Syndrome, a dumb rework of the Gospels, and King’s god-awful Red Sox Nation inability to let go of the Buckner thing from ‘86. And of course yet again we’re all given cause to rue the day when the author was run over by that freakin’ van. I can’t help but wonder if a “not the damn van thing again” factor wasn’t somehow connected to the loss of more than five million viewers between the premiere and episode two.
To be sure, it’s isn’t 100 percent lame. I started out disliking Antubis, the bizarre anteater-like monster that haunts the halls of the hospital. But his cranky attitude and mouth-snout full of needle-sharp teeth eventually won me over. Some other points were similarly amusing in one way or another. But nothing made up for the general crappiness. Even on film, King’s name has been associated with much better work.
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