Free to Be 35 years older

At the outset, I apologize for the fact that this one is hard to read. It was originally configured differently, and Blogger doesn't work well with tables.

Gather ‘round kids, and prepare to journey with me more than a quarter century into the past, back to the days when it still looked like the human race had a future. Yes, once upon a time there were people who were actually dumb enough to believe that things like gender-based bigotry and rampant consumerism could be challenged, maybe even overcome.

We sure showed them, huh?

In 1972 a group of popular performers – actors, singers, even an athlete – got together to produce a record called “Free to Be … You and Me.” Marlo Thomas was the primary creative force behind the project, though she certainly had plenty of big-name help. The result was a collage of songs, poems, dialogues and stories about the importance of accepting ourselves and one another for who we were without regard to social expectations.

In the Free to Be world, girls didn’t have to grow up to be mommies and boys were allowed to have human emotions. People could be happy without buying products to make them so. Greedy, pushy jerks didn’t prosper, and people liked each other.

Needless to say, in retrospect all this optimism seems fairly naïve.

Two years later the record was turned into a TV special. So in honor of that auspicious occasion, I propose a special 35th Anniversary Free to Be Celebration (with media duly converged so it can hit cable, iTunes and its own website all at once). Of course we’ll need to take into account that the world looks a bit different now and rewrite some of the material.

For example: 

 

1972 / 1974		2009
Free to Be … You and Me		Free to Be Me … You Go Screw Yourself
It’s Alright to Cry – Football player Rosey Grier sings about how crying is a normal expression of human emotion.		The Diaper Baby – Some steroid-swilling, overpaid sports star rants about how showboating and taunting are acceptable emotional displays, but anything else should cause a person to be immediately ostracized.
Housework – Carol Channing reads a charming little poem explaining that advertising lies about the ability of consumer goods to make housework fun.		But this has electrolytes – A computer-animated lizard soothingly assures us that our lives will be nothing but sunshine as long as we keep buying crap.
“Ladies First!” – An obnoxious, snooty girl uses the old “ladies first” thing to obtain privileges not available to others. In the end she gets her come-uppance when she’s eaten by tigers.		Front of the Line – An obnoxious, snooty group of kids obtain privileges not available to others – particularly high-cost education they’re too stupid to benefit from – because their parents have lots of money. In the end they don’t get a come-uppance of any kind.
William Wants a Doll – Dad gets upset when William wants a doll to play with. But then Grandma calms him down by explaining that the kid merely wants to explore his normal, heterosexual impulse to learn to care for a child.		Quit Being a Fag, Kid – Dad gets upset when William wants a doll to play with. So he takes him hunting, makes him watch MMA, and teaches him to download hetero porn.
Atalanta – Marlo Thomas and Alan Alda retell an old Greek story about a woman who is *gasp* a talented athlete and *gasp gasp* doesn’t want to get married.		300 – Despite being nearly as muscular, masculine and vicious as their menfolk, women nonetheless embrace their status as second-class citizens. Spartans! Hoo-ah!
Girl Land – Outdated gender stereotypes are represented as an old, crumbling amusement park that’s being shut down.		Empowered Young Woman Land – A new park arises where the old one once stood. It promises exciting new rides that emphasize gender equality and self-actualization. But once you get inside, you notice that the place looks suspiciously like Girl Land with a fresh coat of paint.