Review – The Eternal

I’ll bet in Hell this movie really is eternal. I’ll bet it loops over and over and over again and all the souls in torment have to watch it forever and ever. At least that must add a welcome taste of ennui to what otherwise would merely be a flavorless diet of red hot coals, pokers and oil. On our earthly plane of existence, this is little more than a boring bit of crap that has something to do with a Druid priestess resurrected by the proximity of a relative, a recovering alcoholic who’s brought her family to the auld country for a visit. Christopher Walken shows up just long enough to drop off his performance; I guess he must have been in the neighborhood and figured stopping by would just as fast as phoning it in. I can’t say that I blame him. The script is terrible, the production values nearly valueless, and the acting scarcely redeeming. Mummy fans be further warned: the box said something about a mummy in this movie, but aside from a desiccated peat bog corpse this sucker’s pretty much mummy-free. See if desperate

Review – The Virgin Suicides

Francis Ford Coppola’s daughter takes the helm of this odd little movie about the fragility and inscrutability of adolescent girls. To her credit, Sofia Coppola is at least a little better as a writer/director than she was as an actor. After the youngest daughter of five in a family with unusually strict codes of behavior commits suicide, the remaining four girls (headed by Kirsten Dunst) try to achieve some sense of normalcy. Torn between their strict parents, social pressure and their own desires, all four eventually follow their sister’s lead. Though this isn’t a bad film, a lot of the plot twists and character developments that must have been intended to be “enigmatic” turn out neither clever nor amusing enough to merit the title. Perhaps current and former female teens will have a different take on this than I did, but I found it somewhat diverting but little more. Mildly amusing

Review – Graveyard Shift

Hollywood serves up a low-budget version of Stephen King’s working-class reheat of H.P. Lovecraft’s “Rats in the Walls.” The basic premise (old factory infested by rats and their giant, mutant relatives) has potential, but here the execution leaves a bit to be desired. For openers, the production’s a bit light in the talent department. The biggest name in the whole thing is Brad Dourif, who plays a supporting role as a psychotic exterminator. Our protagonist is played by David Andrews, an actor whose emotional range seems to be limited to a glower of consternation. Or is it constipation? It’s hard to tell. And I guess it probably goes without saying that the tale is a little hard on the rodents, bumping off everything from the cute little pet store critters that are supposed to pass for vermin right up to the giant, fakey-looking rubber rat-bat thing. See if desperate

Review – Grass

Here’s another documentary along Atomic Cafe lines, only this time around the subject is pot rather than bombs. The history is less show and more tell than Cafe, particularly during the narration supplied by Woody Harrelson. Further, there’s no question at all about the position being advocated by the film-makers, though the strongly pro-hemp stance of the narration is for the most part comfortable counterpart to the rabidly anti-hemp archival footage. The result is both entertaining and informative, even if it isn’t groundbreaking cinema. Worth seeing

Review – Children of the Living Dead

This starts out as something along the lines of the Dead trilogy, though the closest George Romero gets to this one is the brief before-and-behind-the-camera appearance of Tom Savini. However, once the prologue plays itself out, the plot takes a turn for the worse. By the time the film-makers have crammed a walking dead, serial-killing religious fanatic in with a group of teens who become some sort of flesh-eating, zombie Manson cult, the whole thing starts to seem like a horror movie Manhattan Project striving to reach critical cliché mass. Further, the technical quality (especially the editing) reek of recent film school grad. So if these guys can get money to make crap like this, whatever happened to Romero himself. Come back, George! The next generation is depending on you to save it from schlock like this. See if desperate

Review – Summer Catch

The promo copy on the box insisted that this outing would prove reminiscent of Bull Durham. But honestly, the only two movies brought to mind by this cliché-fest are Dirty Dancing and Porky’s. There’s some minor league baseball stuff in here someplace (a stale tale of a poor boy shooting for a spot in the majors while falling in love with a rich girl), but for the most part the sports angle is just frosting on a cake made mostly of bad teen movie conventions. Perhaps this might have been a better work in the hands of a better screenwriter or at least some competent actors. As things turned out, however, the occasional jokes that work are too few and way too far between to justify sitting through the production as a whole. See if desperate

Review – Primal Rage

It came from the ’80s! And I mean the deep, deep ’80s. Mall hair. Mopeds. Flashdance-esque music. Characters named Debbie. Buried somewhere under all this is a mad scientist plot involving crusading student journalists, animal research, and the accidental release of some kind of infection or whatnot that turns placid college students into rampaging lunatics. So when the already-unstable frat boys get a good dose of it, look out! The concept’s interesting enough, but the script is so bad and production values so low that it ends up playing out as just another crappy slasher movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Gorky Park

For the most part, this is just another rather uninteresting murder mystery with equally dull international intrigue thrown in for good measure. However, the thing that impressed me enough about this movie to make me want to re-watch it was the backdrop, the whole bleak, cold war Soviet Russia thing that works so well here. William Hurt heads a cast that does a decent job with the story of a Moscow police officer trying to track down a killer who murdered three people and then removed their faces to prevent identification. Though I didn’t get much out of the plot, I did enjoy the look and feel of the movie. Oh, and I also liked the sables at the end. Mildly amusing

Review – Charlie’s Angels

So this is supposed to be funny, right? I mean, this is intended to be a farcical parody of action movies, yes? Even making the somewhat large leap of faith in the proposition that they meant to make a movie this bad, this really is as darn near unwatchable as any flick with this level of budget, effects and star-power could possibly get. Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore do what they can with the wretched script, and when the acting shines through the rest of the show the movie does occasionally offer brief glimmers of hope (i.e. the out-takes at the end are nearly as amusing as the whole rest of the movie put together). But for the most part this production is far too lacking in any sense of logic, sense or style to provide much in the entertainment department. With this big a budget several better movies might have been made. See if desperate

Review – Modern Vampires

Okay look, damn it. Just put “horror comedy” on the box and save me the trouble of renting stuff like this, for crying out loud. If you like cheap, stupid vampire farces, then for all I know you might find this production extremely entertaining. I have no way of judging objectively, because movies of this ilk get on my absolute last nerve. The concept here has something to do with a subculture of vampires living in Los Angeles, a basic idea that might have been turned into something a lot – well, at least a little – better than this. But concept is all that this outing has going for it. The acting is terrible, production values are low, and the script ... well, don’t even get me started. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Kiss of the Dragon

Despite a couple of shaky spots, this formulaic martial arts flick does the job it sets out to do: entertain for 90 minutes or so and not much else. The plot is some weak mish-mash about a Chinese cop (Jet Li) who journeys to Paris to work an international drug bust only to find himself framed for murder by corrupt French cops. Then a prostitute (Bridget Fonda) with a kidnapped daughter gets stirred into the mix. Oddly enough, the quest for the daughter makes for a much more compelling plot than the drug nonsense. Regardless of excuse, the real point here is of course the under-cranked, jump-cut, rocked-out flying fists of kung fu death fight sequences, which with Li kicking much Frenchy-boy ass are pretty much guaranteed to delight American audiences. I’ve seen plenty worse martial arts movies, though I concede I’ve seen a few better ones as well. Mildly amusing

Review – Striptease

Poor Annie Lennox. What did she ever do to deserve having her music used on the soundtrack for a hunk of junk like this? Actually, the premise itself isn’t the end of the world. It’s the usual mish-mash of clichés surrounding a stripper with a heart of gold who’s trying to use her relationship with a politician to wrest her daughter from her abusive ex. Indeed, I’ve heard that the source novel isn’t all that bad. But the movie version sure is. For openers, it can’t seem to decide whether it’s a comedy or a drama (a problem due at least in part to problems in pre-screenings). Thus it ends up playing neither role effectively. And speaking of people who don’t play their roles especially well: the entire cast (even Burt Reynolds, who mails in his performance as the crooked politician) does a workmanlike job with their parts. Everyone, that is, except for the ever-effervescent Demi Moore, who sadly is charged with the task of playing the lead. I’m no stripping connoisseur, but it seemed to me as if her peeling was no better than her acting. And that’s bad. See if desperate

Review – Jury Duty

It’s a Pauly Shore movie. Does anything else really need to be said? This time around everyone’s favorite nitwit is a juror who wants to keep an open and shut trial going because the luxury sequestration digs he’s in are better than his ordinary, everyday life. Some of the jokes are Simpson trial specific and seem somewhat dated these many years later. However, even the non-time-specific humor is more than a little on the dumb side, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. Overall if you’ve got a craving – or even a tolerance – for Shore, you’ll probably like this one as well as you like any of his other work. Otherwise seek elsewhere. See if desperate

Review – Gone with the Wind

If you go into this classic of the silver screen with the (false) notion that author Margaret Mitchell intended her famous novel to be ironic from cover to cover, you may find it a lot easier to enjoy what otherwise plays out like an homage to the good old days of the antebellum South. You know, the society based on the evil of slavery and the faux nobility of slave owners. That’s probably not a fair interpretation of the creator’s intent, but it does make it a little easier to swallow. Otherwise you’re stuck waiting for those little glimmers of genuine insight and nobility, generally contributed by the Black characters or other persons considered beneath contempt by the southern nobility (especially Hattie McDaniel as Mammy). Those moments aside (and they become increasingly rare as the movie progresses), the production is interesting for its technical quality and importance to film history, but otherwise extremely overrated. Mildly amusing

Review – Stargate

Though this is primarily the sci-fi action movie it was marketed to be, my favorite parts are the stock horror elements that show up here and there. The plot begins with Egyptian archaeological mumbo-jumbo that seems like it would be more at home in a mummy movie. There’s also a super-creepy space alien villain played by a combination of opticals and the androgynous guy from The Crying Game. Cool stuff aside, this is a fairly typical space opera. Kurt Russell and James Spader capably play the uninspiring leads in this thrill-packed, effects-driven tale of an ancient artifact that opens a gateway to an earth-like planet in a distant galaxy. Genre fans should get a real kick out of this picture, but most other folks probably won’t consider it much more than somewhat diverting. Mildly amusing

Review – Godzilla 2000

This ain’t the goofy, Cookie-Monster-esque Godzilla from the 70s. Nor is it the iguana-looking thing from the most recent American version. Instead, this is vintage Toho Studios Godzilla, mean and menacing. The budgets have gotten a little bigger and the effects have consequently gotten a bit more sophisticated over the years. For example, our anti-hero’s atomic breath looks less like a fire extinguisher and more like a blast furnace. But technical quality aside, this is still the same old monsters-stomping-models fun. This time around the giant lizard battles a UFO that looks like a big, silver lump of cat barf. Only at the very end does it turn into a big, rubber opponent truly worthy of Godzilla’s notice. The human protagonists are members of the Godzilla Prediction Team (tomorrow’s forecast: partly cloudy with a 30% chance of Godzilla), sort of an atomic, fire-breathing monster answer to storm chasers. If you liked the original, black and white movie, this one should be good for 90 minutes or so of entertainment. Mildly amusing

Review – Cecil B. Demented

Who would have thought that after all these years John Waters would still harbor such animosity toward the Maryland Film Commission? The plot here is pure Patty Hearst (who has a small role in the film): a movie star is kidnapped by a cadre of indie-film-making terrorists and forced to act in their magnum opus. In several ways this production marks a return to Waters’ roots, showing his early talent for light-hearted absurdism and shock value. It also includes a number of art film in-jokes and a handful of celebrity cameos. The movie’s only serious flaw is that sometimes it tends to get just a bit heavy handed, the message occasionally overcoming the charming, silly sense of humor that serves at the movie’s major strength. Worth seeing

Review – Vertical Limit

God smite the person who invented the term “cliffhanger.” It seems nobody can make a movie about mountain climbing without viewing the accident of nomenclature as an edict to create a plot moved by nothing but an endless parade of tense situations. Here caricature is more common than character, and motivations appear to run from cartoonish to non-existent. The result is a Krackauer-esque tale of summit junkies, catastrophes, rescue attempts, catastrophes, men against the mountain, and more catastrophes. The effects are good enough, and the action’s not bad on the rare occasions when the terrible timing of the drawn-out suspense sequences doesn’t kill the excitement. But stand by the mute button unless you’re a big fan of listening to people cough. I’m sure I’m a big fan of realistic depictions of pulmonary edema, but after awhile the hacking gets damn near as bad as the ringing phone at the beginning of Once Upon a Time in America. Mildly amusing

Review – Enemy at the Gates

I’ll bet at some point in the development process this had the potential to become a really good movie. That theory is based on the assumption that this probably started out as a story about a duel between Soviet sniper Vasili Zaitsev and German ace marksman Major Koning in the ruins of Stalingrad in 1942. I read the story of these two guys awhile back and always thought it would make a good movie. As it turned out, the parts of the picture that were actually about sniping were really good. The problem was that the combat sequences were separated by lengthy nonsense – particularly a contrived romance – that appeared grafted on in order to broaden the story’s audience appeal (i.e. war for the guys and love for their dates). As a result, screen time that might have gone to better character development or more extensive treatment of the battle itself instead ended up squandered on go-nowhere subplots. That shortcoming aside, however, the battle sequences are some of the best I’ve ever seen, and the cast does a fine job with a reasonably well-crafted script. Mildly amusing

Review – Mister Roberts

I wonder what this movie would have been like if they’d followed the inclination of Henry Fonda (who plays the title role, as he did on the stage) to stick with the play’s bleak, grim depiction of naval life rather than caving in to the dictates of director John Ford and adding a bunch of silly comedic elements. Either way, this is a fairly good movie. The story takes place on a cargo ship far from the front lines in the Pacific during World War Two, and the action centers around the conflict between a lieutenant (Fonda) who wants to be transferred to combat duty and a despotic captain (James Cagney) who wants to keep him right where he is. Much of the dialogue has that “theatrical” feel to it, and more often than not the goofy comedic elements stand in jarring contrast to the underlying drama. But overall the production works, at least as a representative of its genre. Worth seeing