Review – High Fidelity

Rare indeed is the movie that I like despite not caring for the plot. So any “relationship” flick starts at a distinct disadvantage; it’s been so long since I was single that I have a lot of trouble cooking up much interest in a lengthy tale about how hard it is to find love in the big city. However, this picture manages to pull it off, mostly thanks to the same quirky talent and humor that made Grosse Pointe Blank such a great movie. In other words, I preferred the parts of the movie that were centered around the protagonist’s record store and his quirky employees. The why-can’t-my-relationships-ever-work stuff was amusing as well. It just didn’t impress me as much. Worth seeing

Review – Tremors

Once again for some reason we’ve moved the Jaws plot structure to the desert southwest. This time around the baddies are some kind of giant sand worm a la the famous Frank Herbert beasties (only smaller). For the most part this is an uninteresting bit of horror fluff that seems to be trying as hard to be funny as it tries to be frightening. Ultimately it succeeds in neither endeavor. However, for fans of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon this is a real gold mine; it links the actor to a wide variety of B-list talent including co-hero Fred Ward and supporting cast members ranging from Victor Wong to Reba McEntyre. See if desperate

Review – The Day of the Beast

In general the Italians just seem to have a different idea about what makes a good horror movie. There are a few effective things here, including a stylish (if somewhat artificial) demon toward the end. But a lot of it is awkward comedy of horror, sort of a stupid Satanist slapstick. The plot revolves around a priest (at least I think he was a priest; the dubbed dialogue was a little fuzzy on that point) who decides to do all the evil he can in order to get in good with the Devil. Apparently this is the only way he can thwart the birth of the Antichrist. Believe it or not, things go downhill from there. See if desperate

Review – Orgazmo

Just sit there and watch as I single-handedly dissuade 99% of the potential audience from checking out this juvenile crud: the “nudity” referred to in the description is exclusively men’s butts; there are no naked women in this movie. Assuming there’s anyone at all still interested in watching this snoozefest, give me one more chance to talk you out of it. It was written and directed by one of the two guys responsible for South Park, and judging by the quality of the humor apparently the other guy is the one with the talent. If you still want to see it, you’re on your own. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Hellraiser: Inferno

I have to confess that I was wrong about the fourth entry in the Hellraiser series, at least when I speculated that it would be the end of the line. I guess in the age of straight-to-video making a putrid, dreadful, stupid, unpopular sequel is no longer a bar to making yet another putrid, dreadful, stupid, unpopular sequel. Actually, this effort does have a moment or two, mostly when it’s “borrowing” material from the Clive Barker story that started it all or the comic book series spawned by the first two movies. It also takes a couple of dips into some semi-amusing S&M stuff. On the down side, Pinhead is in it only briefly. Comic books and nail-headed demons aside, this is mostly just a mediocre story about a bad cop who condemns himself to hell via the usual means. See if desperate

Review – Trainspotting

My family and I have managed to derive no end of mirth from my grandfather’s ill-conceived decision to go see this movie. He’s a life-long railroader, and I guess he just figured that if there were trains in the title that there would be trains in the movie. If you’ve seen this one already (or even know just a little bit about it), then you already know that Grandpa was thoroughly disappointed by this episodic tale of the ups and downs of a Scottish heroin addict’s life. Although I had a somewhat clearer idea of what to expect, I also found myself more than a little let down by the overall production. To be sure, it’s got a few funny moments and more than a couple of bits that are nearly thought-provoking. However, the plot depends far too heavily on the usual parade of junkie clichés. I also found it helpful to turn on the closed caption feature on my television, because at least a couple of the characters speak in such a thick street brogue that their lines are difficult if not impossible to follow without a little written assistance. Mildly amusing

Review – Sub Down

Here’s a particularly dull specimen of the nuclear sub thriller. Rather than “nuclear combat toe to toe with the Russkies,” here all we have is a game of SSN “chicken” that leads to the sinking of an American sub (with three civilian scientists in a mini-sub along for the ride) to the bottom. A lot of the drama is based on false dilemmas and other such foolishness, but the plot does keep moving fairly well. I guess I’ve seen worse. Mildly amusing

Review – The Falcon and the Snowman

Timothy Hutton and Sean Penn are reunited not too long after their appearance together in Taps. This time around Hutton is a disenchanted techie for the CIA and Penn is his ne’er-do-well boyhood chum. Hutton decides to relieve his anxiety about Company dirty tricks by using Penn as a go-between in a plot to sell spy satellite codes to the Soviets. The whole thing is just dull and dumb enough to be based on a true story. Mildly amusing

Review – Striking Distance

Odd title, considering this stinker doesn’t come within miles of being a decent movie. Bruce Willis steps out of character (yeah, right) to play a down-on-his-luck supercop, a slovenly rebel who plays by his own rules, trying to thwart a serial killer. The closest the plot comes to having any appeal at all is that our hero ends up exiled to river patrol, which at least provides an excuse for something besides car chases (assuming, that is, that there’s a genuine qualitative difference between a car chase and a boat chase). This is also one of those annoying mystery-thrillers that sets up only one likely culprit and then introduces an element of way-too-contrived surprise by having the killer turn out to be someone that couldn’t possibly have been a suspect. More than that I shouldn’t say (if I haven’t already said too much), but those who know me know I hate this sort of deception-for-its-own-sake nonsense. Couple it with the usual, tiresome Willis antics, and the mess doesn’t stand a chance. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – He Knows You’re Alone

Really, does he? Then he must also know that I’m bored silly by this empty-headed excuse for a slasher movie. You know you’re looking at a real stinker when the highlight of the whole grim debacle is a brief appearance by a really young Tom Hanks, playing a minor character who remains onscreen just long enough to spout some ridiculous catharsis nonsense. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Lovers Lane

Usually when Blockbuster sticks one of those “youth restricted viewing” stickers on a tape, it’s either cheap, soft-core porn or a real gore-fest. I was hoping for the latter here, but I ended up with neither. Instead we have another tired Hook Man reheat with no more extreme content than dozens of other slasher movies that don’t bear the censor’s sticker. In fact, just about the only noteworthy bit in the whole movie was the appearance of Richard “Les Nesman” Sanders, and even that won’t mean much to folks who aren’t WKRP fans. See if desperate

Review – Eyes Wide Shut

Oh, Stanley Kubrick. Would you have made this movie if you’d known it was going to be your last? I hope not. I hate to kick a man when he’s dead, especially when that man is Stanley Kubrick, but this has got to be one of the worst movies ever made. It has Kubrick’s excellent visual sense going for it, but that’s about it. The plot centers around a wealthy New York doctor’s attempts to cope with his wife’s imaginary infidelity by becoming obsessed with a strange sex cult. The acting is wooden and the script positively dreadful. Honestly, half the conversations in the movie seem to consist of witless repetition punctuated by lengthy pauses. In my film-going experience I’ve had the misfortune to sit through several movies that made sex boring, but few besides this one actually manage to make it downright annoying. If this had been produced by anyone besides Kubrick, or even if it hadn’t been his final film, I think I would have given it an even lower rating. So respect to you, Mr. Kubrick. If you led a good life, you’re probably making much better movies in the hereafter. And if you were wicked, you’ve got all eternity to “enjoy” your final effort over and over and over again. See if desperate

Review – Eyes of Fire

What a bizarre movie, even for an indie. The plot follows a group of settlers in 1750 who enter a valley of concentrated evil and set up residence. The evil takes several forms, including a demonic child with glow-in-the-dark eyes, a group of naked mud spirits, and a big witch-like thing made of dirt and leaves. The filmmakers do their best with a limited repertoire of special effects, and oddly enough the result’s not too bad. The script is a little muddled and meandering, but the basic concept is interesting enough to keep the movie moving. The film contains some unpleasant animal death and some really strange sexuality. But other than that, it’s entertaining in an odd sort of way. Mildly amusing

Review – The Dead Hate the Living

The living hate this movie. Okay, I confess. Just about the only reason I’d ever rent a Full Moon video would be the chance to take a cheap shot like that. Sadly the snide remark is about as much pleasure as I managed to derive from this boring nonsense. Dreadful acting. A script written for – if not in fact by – twelve-year-old boys. Special effects that are beneath cheap, including a zombie that bears an uncanny resemblance to Billy Idol (except the real Billy Idol looks much more like a walking corpse and is thus a lot more frightening). In other words, Full Moon business as usual, except on an even lower budget (if such a thing can be imagined). Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Stir of Echoes

This will probably go down in history as the lesser-known of the two movies from 1999 that feature kids who can see ghosts (The Sixth Sense being the more popular picture). The trick here is that Dad can see them too, developing the ability as an accidental side-effect of a post-hypnotic suggestion. I’m a big fan of Richard Matheson, who wrote the piece upon which this film was based. And for the most part, I like the adaptation. Some elements seem “borrowed” from other sources (The Shining and The Dead Zone were brought to mind from time to time). But overall the clichés are combined with enough new material to keep the plot interesting if not exactly innovative. Mildly amusing

Review – Love and Death

Woody Allen takes a stab at parody, and though the final product bears his unmistakable stamp it still kinda works. His victims are primarily Russian novelists (especially Tolstoy and Dostoevsky), though the same brush manages to tar Sergei Eisenstein and Ingmar Bergman as well. As is usual with parodies, it helps to be at least a little familiar with the originals. But fans of Allen’s usual shtick will probably love the nebbish protagonist regardless of the other comedic elements in the movie. Personally, I generally like grim Russian literature more than I like Woody Allen, but I have to concede that he’s done a good job with this one. Mildly amusing

Review – Trading Places

For a John Landis movie, this one isn’t too bad. Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd star as a bum and a broker who end up in each other’s shoes thanks to a cruel experiment conducted by the broker’s callous bosses. Throw in Jamie Lee Curtis as the hooker with the heart of gold, and top it off with a collection of stock characters and sight gags. The result is a par-for-the-course situation comedy that manages to provide a few smiles and for the most part avoids getting bogged down in its own moral. Murphy, Akroyd and Landis have all made worse movies. Mildly amusing

Review – Tower of Terror

Wow. A 90-minute-long ad for a ride at the Disney/MGM theme park. And I thought movies based on comic books were bad! Seriously, though, the production doesn’t completely lack plot and characters. In fact, pre-teens may consider this the video equivalent of those dumb ghost stories popular at sleep-overs. Other than that limited purpose, however, there’s little reason to spend much time with the Disney folks in the haunted elevator of the Hollywood Tower Hotel. See if desperate

Review – Darkman

Director Sam Raimi is up to his usual tricks. Trouble is, now that he’s working with an actual budget he can afford to do so many of his usual tricks that occasionally they become more than a little intrusive. That notwithstanding, this is a fine example of the action movie sub-genre in which the crime-fighting hero has a bit of an evil streak. And hey, it isn’t every day that you get to see both Liam Neeson and Frances MacDormand play leading roles in a horror movie. Mildly amusing