Review – See No Evil (2006)

And while you’re at it, don’t see this movie either. You can learn everything you need to know about this picture in the first flash of the production company credit for the WWE. A psycho – not surprisingly played by a guy who appears to be a wrestler – ends up in the same run-down hotel with a clean-up crew from the local penitentiary. Gory high jinks ensue. I’m assuming Syfy cut a chunk out of it, because the ad breaks were extra long to make up for the truncated running time. However, I have a hard time imagining that more gore and un-blurred boob shots would have transformed this into a more worthwhile viewing experience. The closest it ever comes to clever is a Friday the 13th-ish twist at the end. Otherwise it’s just brutish and predictable. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Salome

Leave it to Hollywood in 1953 to suck all the sexuality right out of one of the racier parts of the Bible. Rita Hayworth in all her blondeness stars as the title character, which is scarcely the most egregious liberty taken with the story. Indeed, by the end the whole thing was so thoroughly upside down that I was starting to wonder if John the Baptist was even going to be executed. I don’t mind a little tinkering here and there, especially if it’s just additional back-story. But this goes too far. Further, I was surprised that a production that didn’t wince at rewriting scripture suddenly turned timid when approaching the erotic elements of the tale. In particular, Hayworth’s performance of the legendary dance looks better suited for a gymnastics competition than for a royal seduction. Even by the standards of the day, this is weak stuff. See if desperate

Review – Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home

This is the most “trekky” of all the Star Trek movies. Though they’re all laced with at least some inside jokes, this one’s less of a chocolate chip cookie and more of a big brick of waxy chocolate. As our heroes prepare to return to headquarters to face justice for their shenanigans in number three, the Earth is besieged by a probe that apparently speaks the language of long-extinct humpback whales. So using the time travel slingshot nonsense from “Tomorrow Is Yesterday” they journey back to 1986 to snatch a couple of pre-extinction whales and return with them to the future. Almost all of the rest of the movie is a string of bargain basement culture shock gags as our heroes struggle to avoid seeming too weird in their new environment. Thank goodness they end up in San Francisco, where they have a little less trouble blending in. Large chunks of the picture are strings of mediocre jokes that you won’t get unless you’re familiar with the series characters and their personal quirks. So don’t make this your point of entry into the Star Trek universe. At least it isn’t quite as pointless as the last one. Mildly amusing

Review – Berlin Express

The shambles of Germany in the wake of World War Two provides the background for this spy mystery. An international (British, French, German, Russian and of course American) group ends up stuck together when a dead body turns up in their railroad car. The ad hoc squad must put their differences aside and cooperate to figure out what’s going on and expose a plot by unreformed Nazis. The story is one of those twisting, turning, don’t-let-your-attention-drift-or-you’ll-miss-something espionage pieces. However, my favorite parts were the exteriors, which were shot amidst the rubble of bomb-damaged Frankfurt and Berlin in 1948. Mildly amusing

Review – The Sword of Doom

Finally, a swordfighting movie with some swordfighting in it. Ace swordsman Ryunosuke (Tatsuya Nakadai) lives for the kill. It brings a creepy little smile to his otherwise emotionless face every time he slices someone up. Which is frequently. Even the gory showdown at the end doesn’t play at all like one would expect. If you’re a fan of kenjitsu or kendo, then you’re certainly in the right place. And beyond that, Ryunosuke is a delightfully evil character. Lighting, cinematography and editing all compliment the action. Yeah, it drags in spots. But overall this should thoroughly entertain anyone who likes this sort of thing. Worth seeing

Review – Alien Hunter

Despite a title that implies some stupid crap made for the Sci Fi Channel, this actually turned out to be better than I thought it would be. To be sure, any movie about alien invaders dug out of the ice in Antarctica is going to invite comparison to The Thing, especially when it “borrows” a little incidental footage from the Carpenter classic. And I didn’t care for the squishy CE3K ending. However, it had a good moment or two before it got there. James Spader plays a communications expert summoned to an Antarctic research station after the team there discovers a radio-signal-emitting pod. Mildly amusing

Review – Zathura

Let me lead with the obvious: this is Jumanji in outer space. Kids start playing a board game that upsets reality and turns their world into an outer space adventure. Along the way they learn some good lessons. The production sports a load of expensive effects. Chris Van Allsburg wrote the source story. If you liked this the first time around, odds are you’ll get a kick out of this as well. Mildly amusing