Review – The Hidden Fortress

Though not exactly director Akira Kurosawa’s finest moment, this is nonetheless a pleasant piece of samurai-abilia. Toshiro Mifune stars as a general who’s trying to smuggle a load of gold and a princess through enemy territory. Comic relief is provided by two greedy, cowardly peasants enlisted to aid in the smuggling effort. The result is approximately 75% comedy of errors, 20% medieval intrigue and 5% flashing steel. By this count the movie may come up a bit short in the martial arts department, especially for fans of that sort of thing (like myself). That notwithstanding, the other elements of the story more than make up for the lack of action. In particular this is an excellent showcase for Kurosawa’s dry sense of humor about the human condition. Worth seeing

Review – Rabid

Marilyn “Behind the Green Door” Chambers gets into a motorcycle accident. She’s rushed to a nearby plastic surgery clinic, where she receives a skin graft using an experimental technique. Unfortunately for her, one of the side-effects of the surgery is the sudden appearance of a lamprey-like appendage that lives in a vaginal cavity in her armpit. I suppose that’s what happens when you get a graft from David Cronenberg’s imagination. Further inconvenience: the thing in her pit sucks blood, which in a way is fortunate for her because all of a sudden she needs blood from human victims to survive and without the armpit thing goodness only knows how she’d go about arranging meals. Insult to injury: anyone she sucks turns into a rabid zombie. Before she’s done all Montreal has to be quarantined to keep her victims from spreading their rabies-esque infection worldwide. Fans of the splatter horror genre should definitely check this one out; it’s one of the great-granddaddies of the lot. It’s not a sterling example of acting, screenwriting or technical quality by any stretch of the imagination, but it is more than a little icky fun. Mildly amusing

Review – The House that Dripped Blood

When I originally entered this into my “movies to see” list, a typo had it listed as “The House that Dripped Blook.” Now, I’ve got no idea what blook might be, but with any luck it’s something scarier than clichés, which are the only thing that seem to be dripping around here. Indeed, if you really want to split hairs none of the four vignettes in this classic Hammer horror collection seem to have much to do with the house itself, let alone dripping blood. They’re all set in part in the same country estate somewhere outside London, but large chunks of all four – including key elements of all the dramas – take place outside the house. The place itself seems to be only coincidentally connected to its unfortunate tenants. But that’s okay. Anything for an excuse to tie some otherwise unrelated bits into a movie. If you like Hammer horror, by all means seek this one out. Mildly amusing

Review – Vicious

C’mon. At the very least send these folks back to film school to completely re-learn the finer – and even more general – points of writing, editing, and the like. Because this production runs from beginning to end like a how-not-to guide to filmmaking. Quick example: we’re “treated” to an extended sequence of a hillbilly driving out into the countryside to do some fishin’. He’s eaten by the movie’s monster almost immediately after casting his line out, so why we had to sit through what felt like an hour of him driving his car and parking his car and getting his poles and walking through the woods is completely beyond me. Perhaps it was just to give ample time to showcase the character’s theme song, a singularly charmless ditty called “All I Know Is You Got to Have Swing” (or at least I assume that’s what it was called, because lyrics-wise that was about all there was to it). And that’s just one sample of a bad moment from a consistently dreadful movie. I’m surprised even Tom Savini is desperate enough for cash – or for a showcase for his effects work, much of which is recycled from some of his previous efforts – to appear in a barker like this. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Order (2003)

I don’t know who ordered this, but it seriously needs to be sent back to the kitchen. The premise here isn’t the end of the world. The idea is that the Catholic church – or at least some quasi-respectable order thereof – is out to do away with a semi-immortal guy who for centuries has been doing business as a sin eater. I guess they don’t like outsiders horning in on their business. Honestly, the studio probably should have gone ahead and called the movie “Sin Eater,” except that would have made it all too easy for low-brow critics like myself to re-dub it “Shit Eater.” The acting and production values are approximately equal levels of mediocre. The problem here is the script. Elsewhere I’ve gone on record in favor of amending freedom of speech in order to allow a legal ban on 20-somethings making movies about religion, and here’s further evidence in support. Heath Ledger has enough trouble chewing through dialogue that makes sense. So when he’s up against an endless parade of platitudes and non-sequiturs, he doesn’t stand a chance. The plot picks up the pace and the interest level just a smidge toward the end, but by that point the movie has more than outstayed its welcome. See if desperate

Review – Creature Comforts

This DVD includes four fairly short animations from the Aardman Studio, but honestly the Nick Park piece that leads off the set is the reason to seek out the disc. “Creature Comforts” is a brief bit of claymation, but it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. The rest of it’s just average. Worth seeing

Review – Frida

Why is it that of late Hollywood can’t seem to get past the notion that famous people – particularly artists – may best be brought to audiences through a graphic depiction of their sexual dalliances? I suppose here it’s because Frida Kahlo’s proclivities – and those of her husband, Diego Rivera – provide good opportunities for Salma Hayek in the title role to do partial frontal. To be fair, however, there’s more here than just soft core exploitation. Director and actors alike appear to have considerable affection for their subject. And goodness knows Kahlo led an interesting life. So despite the occasional intrusion of over-worked “artsy” interludes, the story works quite well indeed. I just wish they’d spent a bit more time on Kahlo’s vision and maybe just a little less on her romantic woes. Mildly amusing