Review – Campfire Stories

Okay, campers. Once again. What’s the worst crime a horror movie can ever commit? That’s right: boring. And this one’s guilty beyond reasonable doubt of boring in the first degree. It doesn’t take much imagination to figure that this is going to be a compilation of three short stories of the teen-oriented slasher variety (obnoxious jocks killed by janitor, obnoxious hoodlums done in by stereotypical Indian, game of Truth or Dare takes a turn for the deadly). But then again, it didn’t take much imagination to write the script for this stinker. Nor was it a big mental leap to get something this cliché-ridden onto the screen. Indeed, the only thing I can’t quite imagine is why David Johansen needs money badly enough to play host to this crap. See if desperate

Review – The Royal Tennenbaums

Rarest of the rare are movies that get four stars from me on first viewing. But this one does it. Clever story. Well-crafted script. Talented, ensemble cast. And to top it all off, this is one of those wonderful films that can incorporate quirkiness – with a vaguely Edward Gorey-esque flavor – without wasting half its screen time calling attention to its own jokes. And the soundtrack is worth it all by itself. The story – loosely – is the tale of three child prodigy siblings grown up to strange adulthood. The whole crew is reunited by their father’s less-than-legit terminal cancer. No single paragraph could even begin to do justice to the tons of little touches that give this movie its appeal. Buy the disc

Review – The House on Haunted Hill (1958)

Rare indeed are movies where the re-make is better than the original. Even rarer are such cases when the original was a Vincent Price vehicle and the re-make was for the most part an effects-intensive parade of cheap thrills. However, there’s just no getting around the main problem here: the fifties version of this story is just downright boring. It features a little of legendary gimmick-meister William Castle’s gift for showmanship, but it’s also weighed down by a heapin’ helpin’ of his awful misuse of character, plot, production values, and just about everything else that Price might have been able to work with. The final product is good for a few unintentional laughs but not much more. Mildly amusing

Review – The Mausoleum

Horny housewife demons, I rebuke you! The plot here would probably work better in a porn movie: a woman is possessed by a demon that turns her into a nymphomaniac who kills after screwing (and presumably cleans up the blood and chunks afterward). Certainly the dialogue is bad enough to fit well in your average skin flick. Further, if they’d worked more actual sex into the movie maybe these brilliant auteurs could have spent less screen time on special effects that looked like they wouldn’t pass muster in one of those really cheap haunted houses that rely mostly on fog machines and day-glo paint for thrills and chills. And poor La Wanda Page suffers though a black maid role that would have been embarrassing back in the days of Gone with the Wind. If you’re a kid and you wanna go whee but you can’t get smut yet, this might tide you over. Otherwise the returns on your video rental dollar are few and far between. See if desperate

Review – The Brood

Our buddy Frank has trouble. His wife is crazy. She’s been institutionalized in the clutches of a cult psychotherapist, played to a smarmy T by Oliver Reed. His daughter has been abused, probably by his wife. If that was the sum of his worries, he’d probably make it through. Unfortunately for him, the mad doctor has figured out how to make his wife’s irrational rage externalize and become homicidal little creatures that vaguely resemble his kid (particularly when they’re stuffed into snow suits). As one might expect from a David Cronenberg movie (especially one from the eerie, atmospheric period early in his career), things go downhill from there. The concept’s cool enough to place this a cut above your average slasher flick, and particularly later in the movie there’s some good gore and a couple of solid scares. Mildly amusing

Review – The Golden Voyage of Sinbad

If you’re going to watch a Sinbad movie, the first thing it’s important to check for is Ray Harryhausen’s name in the credits. If it’s not in there, walk away. Fortunately for this flick, it passes the first test. Unfortunately (like many of its kin), when the effects aren’t center stage, this is an unending snooze fest. Even some of the creatures leave a little to be desired. Further, I hate it when they pit two cute monsters against each other, because you just know at least one and probably both are going to bite it. All that aside, this whole movie is worth it for one scene: the Kali statue coming to life and getting into a swordfight with our heroes. This prime moment of fantasy movie history is not to be missed, even if the rest of the picture can safely be ignored. Mildly amusing

Review – The Dunwich Horror (1969)

Somehow I suspect a considerably better movie might be made from the source story. Of course, it isn’t too hard to imagine a considerably better movie being made from just about any source story, let alone one of H.P. Lovecraft’s more widely-admired works. The nicest thing I have to say about this production is that the supporting cast isn’t too terrible. The leads, on the other hand … well, let’s just say Sandra Dee is the love interest and Dean Stockwell (sporting a coif and moustache that make him look like Long John Holmes) plays sinister anti-hero Wilbur Whately. The whole production is so thoroughly infected with American International Pictures circa 1970 day-glo sexuality that it’s hard to tell if Stockwell is following the original scheme of summoning elder gods from beyond the stars or merely doing it all for the nookie. Then there’s the climax, which is a strong contender for most unintentionally funny moment ever included in a horror movie. Maybe I should just be grateful I’m not sitting through Die, Monster, Die! again. See if desperate