Review – The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

My memory of Tolkein’s book (one of my favorites when I was a kid) was that the tale pretty much ended where this movie began. Oddly, that’s what happened in the movie, too. Smaug dies, and the rest of Middle Earth goes to fighting over the spoils. Bereft of significant plot developments, this chapter swiftly devolves into a relentless parade of noisy battle sequences. Like an amusement park ride, it’s a fun experience without being much of a story. Mildly amusing

Review – The Wind Rises

Beware Japanese directors as they prepare to retire. Jeez, talk about sentimental filmmaking! For his farewell production, Hayao Miyazaki tells the fictionalized tale of Jiro Horikoshi, the lead designer of the Zero fighter planes used extensively in the Second World War. If you love movies such as My Neighbor Totoro, Howl’s Moving Castle and Spirited Away, be warned that this production includes almost none of the whimsical fantasy elements that lend charm to a typical Miyazaki outing. But the animation is up to par, and the script is interesting and depressing in equal measure. Mildly amusing

Review – The Amazing Spider-man 2

After the first chapter of this Spider-man iteration, I was expecting something considerably better here. The villains leave a lot to be desired. Jamie Foxx makes a goofy, unfocused Electro, and the Green Goblin appears so late in the show that they might as well have saved him for the next sequel. But the real killer for me … and this is a major spoiler, so be warned … was the death of Gwen Stacy. I know she died in the original comics, but Emma Stone was a big part of why I picked this movie up to begin with. And though this is situational and subjective, I really wasn’t in the mood for a sad ending. Wrap this up differently, and it’s a fun action picture. As it stands, it’s a bummer. Mildly amusing

Review – Beauty Is Embarrassing

Artist Wayne White proves to be a sufficiently interesting subject for a documentary. Sure, he has a little of the whole “artistic temperament” thing going, but at least he isn’t as big an asshole as some other members of his profession. The story of his life also includes some interesting behind-the-scenes stuff from the early days of the Pee-Wee Herman phenomenon. Mildly amusing.

Review – Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Think about what serial dramas on television are like when it isn’t a sweeps period. You know the episodes I’m talking about: the ones that are light on actual plot developments and heavy on the set-up material that builds bridges between the audience-grabbing blockbuster moments from the last ratings-intensive spot on the schedule and the shocking new revelations to come in upcoming episodes during the next sweeps. This movie is like that. It has plenty of entertaining moments, but for the most part it seems to be laying the groundwork for a future release (presumably the next Avengers movie). Mildly amusing

Review – The Monkey’s Paw (2013)

If I had a wish-granting monkey paw, movies like this wouldn’t exist. Only maybe the evil magic of the monkey paw twisted my wish around in some horrible way, like brain-dead horror pictures disappearing forever because conservative fanatics take over the whole country and pass a law requiring that all movies be about Fake Jesus and star Bruce Willis. So then I had to use my second monkey paw wish to put everything back the way it was. Then I must have used my third wish to make myself forget that any of it ever happened. Then I made a tiny wish that I’d never seen this trite, incompetently-executed piece of crap to begin with. But alas, at that point I was out of monkey paw wishes. Wish I’d skipped it