Review - Circle

Is there such a thing as “situation horror”? If so, this production’s a prime example. A wad of characters in search of an exit get stuck in a big circle in a dark room, killed if they move, killed if they try to help each other, killed one by one even if they do nothing. This has a sophomore theatre student’s “gift” for composing a weak character study with no attention to plot or logic. See if desperate

Review - Final Destination 5

Bridge collapse. Fifth verse, same as the first. See if desperate

Review – Guardians of the Galaxy

Though this was a little goofier than I generally prefer, I enjoyed this picture. The raccoon was a big part of the fun for me, but overall it was a cute little romp with its fair share of clever moments. Mildly amusing

Review - Final Destination 4

Speedway accident. Fourth verse, same as the first. See if desperate

Review - Final Destination 3

Roller coaster crash. Third verse, same as the first. See if desperate

Review - Bad Santa

This is unlikely to become a key part of the annual holiday film festival. But it was an entertaining antidote to the overpowering treacle of Christmas cuteness. Billy Bob Thornton plays his Malkovich role as an alcoholic petty criminal who takes jobs as mall Santas in order to get after-hours access to store vaults. Mildly amusing

Review - The Ridiculous Six

Is the theory that putting the word “ridiculous” in a movie’s title somehow absolves the production of any obligation to be anything other than ridiculous? Then to cover all the bases, this should be called The Ridiculous, Stupid, Offensive, Sexist, Racist Six. Some of the stunt casting is minor-league clever (example: David Spade as George Armstrong Custer). Otherwise this is terrible even by Adam Sandler’s standards. Wish I’d skipped it

Review - Mercy

Compared to other movies based on Stephen King stories, this one actually isn’t too bad. Of course that’s faint praise, as even the author’s better work has often turned into a cinematic mess. But this one starts with a reasonably good tale and doesn’t try to do anything too elaborate with it. Mildly amusing

Review - The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death

The sad truth is that I waited awhile after the viewing to sit down and write the review. And at this point I honestly don’t remember it all that well. Even the IMDb summaries aren’t helping. I recall a sense of vague unease about working real life tragedy (English children resettled in the countryside to save them from German bombs) in with the flimsy gothic horror of the first Woman in Black movie. However, the production quality was decent and the acting okay. I guess if you want to watch something unmemorable then I can vouch for this picture’s adequacy. Mildly amusing

Review - Last Shift

Like a strawberry, maple syrup, hamburger milkshake, this is a mix of ingredients that might have been okay on their own but turn into a mess when combined. A rookie cop is assigned to watch a soon-to-be-decomissioned police station. Unfortunately for her, the place is still inhabited by the evil spirits of a Mansoneque cult who hanged themselves in the cells. A weak script and inept direction drive the final nails into this one. See if desperate

Review - Terminator: Genisys

This thing’s convoluted even for a time travel tale. I considered making a sarcastic attempt to summarize the plot but found myself annoyed anew by the effort to make enough sense out of it to mock it. Suffice it to say that in short order I grew bemused by the in-joke references to the first one and frustrated trying to figure out the characters’ motivations for much of anything they did. As best I was able, I tried to relax and enjoy the fight scenes and explosions without worrying about the lack of logic. See if desperate.

Review - The Taking of Deborah Logan

Back in televangelist Jimmy Swaggart’s heyday, he often told stories about people brought to Jesus by his video ministry. They tended to start with someone in the pits of sin and despair who accidentally happens across a Swaggart broadcast. “I was going to turn it off,” the wretched soul declares, “but something told me not to.” I had a similar – though less life-changing – experience with this movie. It’s apparent from the first few frames that it’s a found film picture, which time and again I’ve sworn to stop watching. For some reason I decided to stick with it, and lo and behold it turned out to be a rewarding experience. This turned out to be a competently-told tale of an aging woman whose Alzheimers symptoms turn out to be a mask for something far more diabolical. The production hits a brief snag toward the end during a nearly unwatchable chase through a cave, but eventually it settles into a creepy conclusion. If you’re willing to stick with this one, it rewards your attention. Mildly amusing

Review - Stonehearst Asylum

After reading a summary or two, I went into this experience wondering how they’d ever stretch Poe’s “The System of Dr. Tarr and Prof. Fether” into a feature-length movie. In truth they don’t. It runs out the original plot line early on, relying on further complications to stretch the rest of the way. To be sure, it isn’t flawless. But it’s a good deal more clever than I expected. Plus they spent enough on it for a decent cast and good production values. Mildly amusing

DOE warns of imminent catastrophe

WASHINGTON DC – In a rare Monday morning press conference, the US Department of Energy warned the nation against the potentially catastrophic consequences of a match-up between singer Taylor Swift and the Star Wars franchise. According to Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz, an appearance by Swift in a Star Wars movie would cause American popular culture to reach critical mass, an event that could destroy society as we know it.

Moniz said he called the press conference in reaction to an announcement that Swift was going to reveal "big news" on morning talk shows.

"Fortunately, it turned out to be a false alarm," he said. "She's just releasing a video on Apple Music or something like that. Further, consultants working with the Rand Corporation have assured us that advance screenings of The Force Awakens have revealed the movie to be completely Swift free.

"And that's a good thing. Because our computer simulations indicate that even a cameo role as Spaceport Bartender or Stormtrooper #7 would be enough to trigger a chain reaction."

The resulting Taylor Swift Star Wars Event would cause massive bursts of what scientists call Disney Radiation to explode out of television sets across the country.

Describing a TSSW Event as "the most horrible thing since the invention of the neutron bomb," Moniz said that clinical trials last year in theaters screening Frozen indicated that D-Rays directly targeted neurons in human brains, rendering them incapable of storing or conveying the electrical impulses that enable people to think.

"If a TSSW Event were to occur, cable subscribers would be the lucky ones," he said. "The initial blast would instantly turn their brains to Jello. Wall-penetrating D-Rays would also render anyone in the house permanently incapable of thought, whether or not they were watching TV at the time.

"Plug pullers will not be so fortunate. Anyone whose mind isn't wiped clean by the detonation itself is in for slow death caused by D-Ray-heavy fallout. Even people who are currently willing and able to read books will soon find their thought processes reduced to the level of TSSW rule 34 memes. Eventually they will become too stupid to feed themselves and will die of starvation."

During the question and answer session, a reporter reminded Moniz that viewers accustomed to stories about fuzzy kittens and celebrities doing charity work would expect at least some positive news.

"You want an up side?" the secretary testily replied. "The only up side I see is that maybe millions of years from now the archaeologists among the lizard people who inherit our planet will be able to use our example to prevent a match-up between Lizard Taylor Swift and Lizard Star Wars."

Review - Krampus

For a movie about Krampus, this thing could have used way more Krampus. Most of the villain screen time goes to a gaggle of henchmen in the form of evil toys and creepy elves. When the big guy does show up, he’s a pale shadow of the traditional Christmas demon, which would have been much scarier than what the audience is given here. I hope I’m wrong about this, but I’m guessing this will turn into a series. See if desperate

Review - Home

Even for a kids’ movie from Dreamworks, this is saccharine stuff. A cute, quirky alien and a cute, quirky girl end up on the lam together. Cute, quirky adventures ensue. True to the studio's animation standards, the production is acceptable without being particularly inspiring. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - The Babadook

A single mom accidentally reads a scary book to her mentally-disturbed kid, thus summoning the title horror. The book (especially its illustrations) actually is kinda spooky, which of course raises great wonderment about why a parent would read such a thing to her already nervous son. Likewise the monster itself turns in a few frightening appearances. The shocks are more or less enough to offset the annoying characters and relative plotlessness. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2

A fitting end for the most part. I admit that I prefer the simple survivalism of the first two over the political machinations of the Mockingjay duo. I also think the target audience may be more tolerant than I of cliché plot twists and the awkwardly happy ending. But the acting and production values are still good, and the action is still entertaining enough. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - Anna Nicole

Here’s the semi-tragic rags-to-riches story of Anna Nicole Smith. Predictably enough, it portrays her as not as dumb as she seemed to be, and not quite as much of a gold digger. The production is sprinkled with recognizable faces – especially Martin Landau as wealthy old man J. Howard Marshall – who must have lost bets or something. Otherwise the production isn’t especially noteworthy. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - At the House of Madness

Once again we find a common question posed: if one sets out to make a terrible horror movie, is a failure a success? In this case I’m going with “pure failure.” Though I appreciated the self-conscious effort to recreate the look and feel of indie horror from the 1970s, that’s still no substitute for plot and character. Abysmal writing and amateur-hour acting doom this two-tales-and-a-bracket anthology piece. Verdict: see if desperate.

Review - Jurassic World

The evolution of this series parallels the evolution of effects-intensive movies in general. When the original came out, it was full of wonder at the mere notion that dinosaurs might be brought back to life (for real within the context of the story and via impressive new effects in the production). Now, however, such miracles are commonplace. Dinosaurs are only exciting if they’re part of a carefully-choreographed theme park attraction. One thing remains unchanged, however: a combination of greed, stupidity and common error brings the whole thing crashing down. I liked some elements here, such as velociraptors on the “good guys” side. But overall this represents a further decline of the set. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - Spectre

Of the Craig Bonds, I enjoyed this one the most. For the most part this follows the usual series formulae. Indeed, several minor plot points and background details are obvious tributes to earlier movies in the set. The plot is a little threadbare, but then the plot isn’t as important as the gun battles, explosions and the like. And those are both plentiful and well executed. I was also a little pleased to see the return of the Blofeld character. I know he seems cartoonish by 21st century standards, but I still missed him during his absence. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - Pixels

By the look of things, Adam Sandler is as tired of making these things as I am of watching them. Once again he’s an underachieving man-boy in a love-hate relationship with a woman far out of his league. And once again some improbable bit of cleverness on his part wins the day for him. Here the cleverness is a smidge more clever than usual: Earth is attacked by aliens who take the form of 1980s arcade game bad guys, so only a hapless 40-something game nerd can defend us. That supplies a few plot twists and some effects shots we wouldn’t have gotten from a more prosaic dilemma. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - Bridesmaids

As one might expect from a comedy, this production is at its best when it’s being funny. Much of the running time appears to be devoted to improv of one kind or another, some of which actually works quite well. However, it also spends a fair amount of time preaching about friendship, rivalry, failure and the like. Come for the sight gags but be prepared for the story to not amount to much. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - The Martian

I was nervous going into this experience. Movies that fill their running times with one catastrophe after another aren’t generally to my taste. And stories about isolated castaways can sometimes turn out too limited by their own set-ups to go much of anywhere. However, this turned out to be an entertaining picture. It had a good sense of humor and only occasionally resorted to accidents that seemed like unrealistic attempts to keep the plot from resolving. Acting and production values were good, which helped maintain the sense of realism necessary for a sci fi picture like this. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

At least the turtles had a little more personality than the Transformers. Obnoxious personalities, but at least they were characters, however creepy and hard to identify with. The rat in particular was too far on the gross side. I was too old to catch “turtle fever” when they originally came out, so I can’t say how a genuine fan would respond to this interpretation. I found it diverting but not much else. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - Exodus: Gods and Kings

What the hell, Ridley Scott? You’re capable of making big-budget historical epics. And this is what you do with the story of Moses? The overall dullness might have been alleviated somewhat by tossing in a miracle or two (seems like there were some in the original story, and Lord knows they had the effects budget for it), but this production can’t even manage that. Even the parting of the Red Sea comes across as an unnaturally dramatic tidal fluctuation. It’s like Peter Jackson saying “Y’know, this story has too many hobbits and elves and shit. I’m sure audiences would far rather see Bickering Humans: The Motion Picture.” Nope. Verdict: see if desperate.

Review - Hotel Transylvania

As is not exactly unusual for movies of this ilk, the cute moments are almost enough to make up for the weak story. Dracula creates a hotel where monsters can relax in a human-free environment. But when his daughter falls in love with a member of the other team … suffice it to say that this same picture could have been made for less money simply by not peppering the cast with singers and SNL alums. Verdict: mildly amusing.

Review - Muck

Are you a 12-year-old boy? Have your parents taken away your internet access because you spend too much time looking at pictures of bare boobs? If so, the idiots who made this fiasco have your basic needs covered. If not, seek elsewhere for even the simplest storytelling standards. This umpty-thousandth reheat of city-kids-attacked-by-mutant-hillbillies lacks plot, character, production values, anything that might justify its existence. Wish I’d skipped it.

Review - Strange Blood

The box sold this as Cronenberg-esque, which I suppose it was in the sense that it was full of rubbery effects and icky sex. A scientist invents a universal cure for all viral diseases, only to see it turn him into a blood-craving psycho. The story might have filled a 22-minute horror TV show or maybe a chunk of an anthology piece. But dragging it out to feature length involved a lot of filler. See if desperate.

Site conversion

It's time for 8sails to get an upgrade. More precisely, I'm going to switch to a new system for organizing the site and creating pages. I've been using Dreamweaver, but Adobe's new Muse system has caught my eye. It provides a lot more design flexibility, and it's just generally a lot easier to use.

However, I can't simply load the old site into the new software. That's an advantage, because I've found that often starting over from scratch is easier than adapting old work. Unfortunately it's also a disadvantage, because we're talking about thousands of pages. Literally.

In order to avoid making the challenge more daunting than it already is, I'm going to stop uploading new pages. Overall this shouldn't have too much effect on the "user experience." But it does mean that I won't be adding new movie reviews to the site for awhile.

Because reviews are one of 8sails' more popular features, I'm going to blog them here on The Octopus as I write them.

In memory of Kronsteen

The subject of this evening's meditation is Kronsteen, one of the supporting villains in From Russia with Love (the second James Bond movie, released in 1963). He was played by Vladek Sheybal, a slight and creepy-looking actor who in real life was a member of the Polish resistance during World War Two.

In the movie, Kronsteen was a chess master who moonlighted as an operations planner for SPECTRE, the international agency of evil from the Bond series. He designs a scheme to steal a Soviet decoding machine and sell it to the highest bidder, tricking Bond into sneaking it out of Istanbul.

Needless to say, the operation fails. Through his usual blend of panache, skill and pure blind luck, Bond manages to defeat the incompetent minions of SPECTRE field operative Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya) and save the day.

Back at the evil overlord's lair, the evil overlord calls Kronsteen and Klebb to account for the failure. Having determined that Klebb caused the problem, overlord then has Kronsteen killed.

I first saw this movie when I was a kid, and that moment made me extremely angry. For starters, Kronsteen was a skinny, dark-haired, spooky-looking guy who was too smart for his own good, which naturally meant that I identified with him. But more than that, the guy did his job. His plan was perfect. Klebb fucked it up. Shouldn't she be the one to get the poison boot blade to the leg?

When I got older, I understood this a lot more. The failure was Kronsteen's for not producing a plan that would take Klebb's failure into account. It isn't enough to do your own job. You also have to be accountable for the failures of the people you have to work with. Your plan isn't perfect until it takes all possible breakdowns into account.

Plus at that point if you're going to salvage what you can from a busted operation you really need a field operative more than a strategy guy. Thus Klebb has to stay in the game. Possibly unfair, but logical and practical nonetheless.

I think more and more we're all facing our own personal Bonds and Klebbs, “challenges” who have the devil's own luck on their sides. There's no way to plan around them, nothing we can do that will put contingencies in place for all the world's possible fuck-ups. And as failure upon failure mounts up in our lives, it becomes such an overwhelming tide of dysfunction that it's almost enough to make one long for the sweet nepenthe of a swift poison boot blade to the leg.

New reviews

Just two: Maggie and Ex Machina.

Review – Ex Machina

I can’t help but think that movies like this would benefit greatly from any kind of hint of a sense of humor. I suppose a drama about the ethics of artificial intelligence might by nature be a bit grim. But something light-hearted here and there might break up the monotony a bit. And if all the characters are completely humorless, it tends to create the impression that everyone in the movie – not just the female cyborg undergoing an elaborate Turing test – is a robot. As the audience is expecting some kind of squirrelly twist like that anyway, there’s no point in fueling the expectation. Studio backing gives this indie picture a slick look and feel, but the underlying story is still amateurish and dull. Mildly amusing

Review – Maggie

Somehow they’ve multiplied two positives and ended up with a negative. Schwarzenegger movies are generally lively and entertaining. Zombie movies are generally lively and entertaining. But put them together and apparently we end up with a ponderous think piece about a farmer caring for his daughter as she slowly joins the ranks of the walking dead. This amateur-hour production from a rookie director and a rookie screenwriter plays like Old Yeller if the dog was a teenage girl and also a zombie. See if desperate

New on the site

Faithful readers know the drill. It’s been months since I posted new reviews. But recently I’ve had a productive spurt. This probably isn’t all the movies I’ve seen for the last six months, but it’s all the ones I remember seeing. The rest ... well, if they were less memorable than this set, perhaps the lack of reviews is for the best.

• Gone Girl 
• Tucker and Dave vs. Evil
• The Beast (1988)
• Jupiter Ascending
• The Book of Life
• Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
• 12 Years a Slave
• Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom
• The Boxtrolls
• Big Hero 6
• How to Train Your Dragon 2
• Willow Creek 
• The Houses October Built
• Django Unchained
• Wild
• Edge of Tomorrow
• Dracula Untold
• San Andreas
• Inherent Vice
• Ouija
• American Sniper
• The Purge: Anarchy
• Inside Out
• Penguins of Madagascar: The Movie
• Hercules (2014)

Fortunately recent reads were generally better:

• Wild 
• Dead Wake: The Last Crossing of the Lusitania
• Finders Keepers
• Blank Spots on the Map
• The Scarlet Gospels

It’s like a whole other country

Fade in to a picnic table in the middle of a grassy park. In the background children are playing on a seesaw. Satan is sitting at the table, his golf shirt and casual jeans spotless and immaculately pressed, his hair carefully sculpted to draw attention away from his horns without completely hiding them.

Satan: Hello. You might recognize me from your children’s album covers or perhaps my many successful business ventures and runs for public office. I’ve bought time during the show you’re watching to talk to you about a subject near and dear to my heart: Hell.

Cut to close-up.

Satan (continues): My home has gotten a bit of a bad rap over the years. (Sarcastic tone) It’s a land of evil and darkness, a pit of eternal torture, not an ideal tourist destination. The only time Hell comes up in conversation is when the drive-thru moron who forgot your french fries needs to be told where to go. (Sincere again) Well, I’d like you to start seeing Hell in a whole new light.

Cut to a montage of shots from popular movies and TV shows.

Satan (voice over): Upcoming Hollywood releases. The networks’ fall line-ups. Nearly everything on high band cable. Where do you think that kind of quality entertainment comes from?

Cut to a montage of clips from American Idol and music industry awards shows.

Satan (voice over continues): Where would popular music be without singers who hail from my neck of the woods?

Cut to a montage of shots of well-known talk radio personalities.

Satan (voice over continues): And if the Hell border should ever close, your airwaves will fall silent in a flash.

Cut back to close-up.

Satan: So the next time you’re about to mention my home town because you just hit your thumb with a hammer, stop and think about just how much Hell does for you.

Super: HELL. Nor am I out of it.

I’d walk a mile for a Morlock

Awhile back a friend was driving down Kansas Avenue when he happened to see a Morlock driving the car next to him. Or at least he thinks it was a Morlock. It had stringy, white hair. It had a shriveled face. It looked like it had never seen the light of day.

Trouble was, it was smoking a cigarette.

This prompted a discussion about whether or not Morlocks smoked. Certainly we never see them doing so at any time during the George Pal production of The Time Machine. But that doesn’t definitively answer the question, because all the Morlocks we see in the movie are at work. They’re on the Eloi-boiling production line, and of course in the food service business you can’t smoke on the job.

Further, I’ll bet Morlock smoke breaks are short. Eloi boiling seems like the kind of job where if you and your co-workers wander off for even a couple of minutes that you’d have the boiling foreman all up in your business.

“You Morlocks need to keep busy. I can’t have you Morlocks loafing off. If the boss comes up here and sees you loafing off, he ain’t gonna yell at you. He’s going to yell at me. So get back to work. Those Eloi ain’t gonna boil themselves.”

Thus they only get to really bust out the Winstons and relax in the car on the way home.

Asylum Architectural Digest

It’s been awhile since the 8sails staff watched Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell, and a question raised by the picture is still nagging at me: why would anyone build an insane asylum with a secret room in it?

I can practically hear the conversation between the asylum director-to-be and the architect.

Director:  I’ve examined the plans, and everything looks good. I just have one question.

Architect: Yes?

Director: This room here, what is that?

Architect: That’s the secret room. See, we put in a complex spring mechanism in the wall, and it opens a hidden door from this room here.

Director: I see. And why exactly do we need a secret room?

Architect: Eventually all insane asylums end up with a mad scientist either as a patient or a member of the staff. And inevitably the guy is going to start doing crazy experiments on the patients. For that kind of work you really need a secret room.

Director: I guess I just thought this was going to be a day room for the low-risk patients.

Architect: Do you want a mad scientist to start cutting up bodies and stitching their parts together in the middle of a day room for low-risk patients?

Director: Well, no. I guess not.

Review – Hercules (2014)

Here’s another production that dwells in the nether realm between epic action movie and SyFy crapfest. It’s also yet another cynical, postmodern reimagining of a classic hero recast as a mercenary who defeats foes through trickery and help from assistants. Still, the effects and battle sequences are enough to supply what the average audience member is likely to expect. Mildly amusing

Review – Penguins of Madagascar: The Movie

The highlight of this movie was listening to Benedict Cumberbatch mispronounce the word “penguin.” The filmmakers bet pretty much their whole pitch on snarky little inside jokes like that. The rest is a tale of penguin high jinks dumb even by kids movie standards. See if desperate

Review – Inside Out

To my great surprise, I genuinely enjoyed this movie. The premise – five personality parts cooperating inside a girl’s mind – seemed kinda contrived. But the picture managed to tell a compelling story and make some interesting points about psychology at the same time. The characters were likable (even the obnoxious ones), and the animation was good. Worth seeing

Review – Inherent Vice

Make a movie out of a Thomas Pynchon novel and this is bound to happen: “serious” actors drawn in a bug-zapper-esque swarm to a ponderous, meandering borefest that ran easily double the length such indie crap could possibly remain tolerable. See if desperate

Review – The Purge: Anarchy

This is what I was hoping for from the first Purge movie: more overview of how a night of unbridled violence would affect society as a whole. The premise is still ludicrous, but at least this time around the characters are a bit more interesting and the action moves around the city rather than getting bottled up in a house in the suburbs. Still not great, but at least a step in the right direction. Mildly amusing

Review – American Sniper

The parts of this movie that are actually about what snipers do for a living are actually interesting and well-assembled. Director Clint Eastwood has a gift for gritty, realistic action scenes. Not so much with the mopey redneckery that occupies the majority of the screen time in this offering. Mildly amusing

Review – Ouija

If I told you that a group of young folks use a Ouija board to summon an evil spirit, would I be telling you anything you couldn’t have inferred from the single word in the title? Sorry to have wasted your time. At least I helped spare you from wasting any more of it. See if desperate

Review – San Andreas

Dwayne Johnson action movies deserve room to be at least a little stupid, but this one goes well beyond reasonable leeway. My favorite bit of completely unnecessary dumbness was the repeated insistence that the catastrophic destruction of Los Angeles and San Francisco might somehow have been averted if only the powers-that-be had listened to a small cadre of scientists (led by the perpetually-annoying Paul Giamatti). Exactly how a device that detects major quakes a few minutes before they occur would have saved the entire West Coast … well, the whole movie was pretty much like that. Still, I saw it in the company of an old friend who enjoys watching movies about LA being demolished, so on that point at least mission accomplished. Mildly amusing

Review – Dracula Untold

The producers poured a medium-sized budget into this mix of the historical Vlad Tepes and the vampire Dracula (predictably heavy on the vampire side). The action sequences are fun, but the plot is strange and confusing, especially when it doesn’t follow its own limited logic. Mildly amusing

Review – Edge of Tomorrow

I believe this picture is actually better known by its tag line: Live. Die. Repeat. Which is also a succinct plot summary. Tom Cruise stars in this sci-fi action rework of Groundhog Day. Mildly amusing

Review – Wild

This movie is very much like the book. So much so, in fact, that I occasionally found myself wondering if I’d be able to follow it if I hadn’t already read Cheryl Strayed’s account of her trek on the Pacific Coast Trail. And like the book, the movie left me wishing the story was more about the journey and less about the pit-stops and flashbacks. Indeed, here the loss is more keenly felt because of the lost chances for spectacular landscape cinematography. There’s a good deal to be found here, but I would have preferred more. Mildly amusing

Review – The Houses October Built

I’ve gone back, scoured the plot summaries and reviews, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I wanted to rent this. The premise – backwoods haunted house attractions are part of a meta-conspiracy of evil – might have held some small measure of promise. But the found footage format, amateur hour acting, wretched script, uneven pace and pointless violence lay waste to any chance this juvenile production might have had to not suck. The hour and a half of my life stolen by this garbage was paid for with only one benefit: I have now firmly resolved never again to watch anything that even looks like it might have an evil clown in it. As I believe this will make me a happier, healthier person, I will doubtless look back upon this movie with gratitude for finally prompting me to take a step I should have taken years ago. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Willow Creek

Okay, kids. Let’s try to learn something from this experience. The premise is solid enough: two filmmakers venture into the woods in search of the site where the famous Patterson-Gimlin footage of Bigfoot was shot. The acting is fine. Bobcat Goldthwait has demonstrated elsewhere that he has enough talent to write and direct a good movie. Yet this still turns out to be a dreadful, meandering bore. Lay it squarely at the doorstep of the decision to shoot this as yet another found footage travesty. If even talented people can’t make this sub-genre work as anything better than a Blair Witch parody, then let’s treat this as conclusive proof that there’s no value in pursuing it further. See if desperate

Review – How to Train Your Dragon 2

I didn’t like this one quite as much as the first. Toothless is once again in fine form, but the story takes a turn for the depressing. Too much dragon peril and family member death. It was still a good movie. Just not quite up to the high standards set by the original. Mildly amusing

Review – Big Hero 6

Ugh, so much family member death. So depressing. At least the movie includes some sympathetic characters and interesting visuals. Mildly amusing

Because you know I’m all about the sluts (no shaming)

I'm trying to imagine a world where "slut shaming" isn't exactly what it sounds like.

Perhaps it could be an obscure term of art used by Victorian chimney sweeps for a trick of the trade especially useful for removing stubborn soot.

Or maybe it's a rough translation for the name of an annual religious observance practiced only in a small town in southern Portugal during which Mary Magdalene is burned in effigy.

Nope. It's exactly what it sounds like.

Sigh.

Review – The Boxtrolls

If Coraline had been really depressing and preachy, it might have been something like this. A town hires a creep and his creepy henchmen to rid the place of the harmless trolls who creep about after dark. Though the animation is fine, the script doesn’t measure up. The trivia notes on IMDb were more interesting than actually watching the movie. Mildly amusing

Review – Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

Sort of like Gandhi only with a much smaller cast. And with much greater emphasis on the subject’s personal life. It’s nice to see Idris Elba get the chance to sink his teeth into a more substantial role than his usual casting. This should make especially good viewing for those who don’t remember what Apartheid was all about. Mildly amusing

Review – The Book of Life

For some time now I’ve been waiting for a good kids movie about Hispanic culture. Guess I need to wait awhile longer yet. This isn’t a terrible picture. But given the richness of the source material the filmmakers had to work with, they should have been able to conjure something better than this often-confusing reheat of the Orpheus myth. The animation could have been better, too. Mildly amusing

Review – Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

At this point I’m starting to lose my ability to tell the difference between Young Jack Ryan movies and Jason Bourne movies. I hope the distinction doesn’t come up during a job interview, cocktail party conversation or some other awkward situation. On the other hand, extreme generic filmmaking has advantages. Like McNuggets, you get what you ordered. Mildly amusing

Review – Jupiter Ascending

So this really wasn’t based on a comic book or YA sci-fi novel series? I’m genuinely surprised. It has that choppy, episodic, weak-plot quality common to movies that start with a good source but then cut out big chunks of the story in order to conform to a pre-set running time. As an “original” story, this thing has no excuse for being a space opera version of The Matrix for girls. See if desperate

Getting caught up

It’s been so long since I posted content to 8sails that Dreamweaver (the app I use to manage the site) has undergone significant and not entirely welcome revisions in the interim.

Needless to say, there’s a lot.

New in movies:

• Admission
• American Hustle
• (500) Days of Summer
• How to Train Your Dragon
• The Last Days of Patton
• Tim’s Vermeer
• Ghosts at Sea
• 13th Child: Jersey Devil
• Doctors of the Dark Side
• The Heat
• Blended
• The Poisoner’s Handbook
• Guardians of the Galaxy
• Oculus
• The Monkey’s Paw (2013)
• Captain America: The Winter Soldier 
• Beauty Is Embarrassing
• The Amazing Spider-Man 2 
• The Wind Rises
• The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies
• Noah 
• Project Almanac
• Houdini
• The Giver
• Burton and Taylor
• Fury
• The Imitation Game
• Leprechaun: Origins 
• Dracula Untold 
• Nightcrawler 
• Mr. Turner

And in books:

• A Creator’s Guide to Transmedia Storytelling
• Revival
• Secret Windows
• Old Friend From Far Away

Review – The Beast (1988)

One of the great charms of the conflict between Afghan freedom fighters (many of whom would later form the core of the Taliban) and Soviet invasion troops is that there really isn’t a good guy to root for. Having no patriotic dog in this fight made it a lot easier to simply enjoy the drama as it unfolds. The crew of a Soviet tank – under the command of a cruel officer – run afoul of rebels and each other. This is the movie Fury should have been. Mildly amusing

Review – Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Though this is plentifully stupid, it doesn’t really aspire to be anything else. A couple of good old boys trying to enjoy the weekend in their ramshackle cabin in the woods run afoul of obnoxious city kids. So basically this is a comic switch on pretty much every other slasher movie ever made. Mildly amusing

Review – Gone Girl

Watch enough of those cheap, forensics-intensive true crime shows on high band cable, and you get to where you can predict almost down to the second how long you have to stick with an episode before you get to the “husband did it” moment. Which of course leaves the producers of such morally-uplifting fare with a quandary: a story with the obvious ending or a story with a twist so completely out of left field that it betrays the audience’s trust. This is a more expensive, fictional version of that. See if desperate

Review – Mr. Turner

This movie absolutely broke my heart. I love J.M.W. Turner’s work. An exhibit of his paintings I was lucky enough to see at the National Gallery a few years ago still stands as one of the most amazing things that’s ever happened to me. Though I’m prepared – even eager – to accept the proposition that such works of staggering genius could be produced by a man who lived a fairly ordinary life, I seriously wonder why, in that case, anyone would bother making a movie out of his biography. This production isn’t helped in the slightest by writer / director Mike Leigh’s decision to skip the session in screenwriting class when the difference between chronology and storytelling was discussed. As a result, some of the most important works of art ever preserved on canvas get completely lost in the banal trivia of the artist’s life. Absent any kind of story or character arc, the two-and-a-half-hour running time becomes an “is it over yet?” ordeal. Turner deserved so much better. See if desperate

Review – Nightcrawler

Ever since hearing one of the voices on a Treme episode commentary track identify Davis McAlary as one of the show’s heroes, I’ve come to realize that I’m completely out of touch with American society in general and popular culture in particular. I feel I can no longer reliably tell the good guys from the assholes. Thus I doubt my ability to provide you with an accurate assessment of Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in this odd picture. He starts out as a creepy scrap metal thief and ends up as a creepy yet highly successful independent news videographer. The guy made me uncomfortable throughout the entire movie, and he seemed to have the same effect on the other characters. Yet he has no internal character arc at all. Other than exploring the icky world of guys who record accidents and crime scenes for a living (and occasionally pontificating about the cynical nature of the media), I didn’t see a lot of point to any of this. Mildly amusing

Review – Leprechaun Origins

I’ve been watching Leprechaun movies since the first one hit video in the early 1990s, but until tonight nobody anywhere could ever have convinced me that removing the title character would actually make the movie worse. But holy St. Patrick, is this ever a dreadful movie. The notes on IMDb declare that Dylan “Hornswoggle” Postl carefully avoided watching any of the previous movies in the series in order to avoid undue influence on his performance. Good thing, because otherwise he might have shown up on the set expecting to have lines and wear makeup that made him look like a leprechaun rather than some kind of mutant dog so craptacular that it had to be shot exclusively in poorly-lit, soft-focused jump cuts. Fans of the previous entries in the series – or really anyone who wants to see a movie with a script or any semblance of technical quality – will walk away sorely disappointed. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – The Imitation Game

I loved the code-breaking parts of this tale of Alan Turing and Bletchley Park. But then I’m a fan of that kind of thing, so an average audience member might not get such a big kick out of it. The personal relationship stuff, on the other hand, didn’t do as much for me, at least in part because a lot of it was pure fiction. Still, overall the story was well told, engaging and entertaining. Worth seeing

Review – Fury

The producers of this World War Two drama spent a buttload of money on the cast, which was a waste of cash. The real stars of this picture are the vehicles. I’ve seen countless movies about mechanized warfare, and this is the first time I’ve ever felt the slightest sense of what it’s like to actually be inside a tank. Unfortunately, it also gave me a strong impression of what it would be like to be crammed inside one with a gaggle of ultra-macho assholes. As a simple-minded action movie, this isn’t bad. But sympathetic (or at least tolerable) characters would have made it much better. Mildly amusing

Review – The Giver

Once again a dystopian future sinks under its own heavy-handed message. Humanity manages to cleanse itself of pain and strife by outlawing emotions and drugging everyone into a bland haze. But one person has to remain non-sedated and serve as the repository of all of humanity’s joyful, painful history and emotional range (because otherwise it wouldn’t be much of a movie). I was nettled by inconsistencies, particularly the characters’ tendencies to feel emotions or not as the plot required. And ugh, what a dreadful ending. Mildly amusing

Review – Burton and Taylor

Celebrity bios aren’t my cup of tea, particularly when the subject is a pair of prima donnas whose egos prevent them from finding happiness. But I was lured in by the chance to see Dominic West as Richard Burton and Helena Bonham Carter as Liz Taylor. The production delivered what it promised, showing the ultimate Hollywood couple struggling to work together on the Broadway stage in the months prior to Burton’s death. Mildly amusing

Review – Houdini

When I was a kid I was crazy about Houdini and read everything I could find about him, so a lot of this biography didn’t come as much of a surprise. However, the producers spent enough on this two-part miniseries to ensure that they did a good job of telling the story. Adrien Brody works well in the title role, and the rest of the cast support him well. Recreations of the era are solid, on par with Boardwalk Empire and other productions that devote proper attention to making bygone ages look both authentic and familiar. Verdict: Mildly amusing

Review – Project Almanac

I was really impressed with precisely one moment in this movie: for a brief instant one of the characters is shown holding a tripod. Brilliant! What chutzpah it takes to actively taunt your audience. “See, we know what one of these is. We just ain’t gonna use it.” This thing made The Blair Witch Project look like Jean Renoir. Seriously, the shaky cam nonsense was so excessive that for roughly a third of the running time I had to stop watching and stare at the backs of the seats in front of me to keep from getting ill. However, from what I was able to watch, I wasn’t missing much. The story was a teenager-intensive reheat of the boring parts of Time Cop. Wish I’d skipped it

Review – Noah

Who the hell did they think they were making this for? The folks who might normally be counted upon to show up for Bible-based entertainment couldn’t possibly be interested in such a bizarre “Clash of the Titans” rethinking of the relevant passages from Genesis. On the other hand, the story relies far too heavily on Judeo-Christian theology and pseudo-theology to be of much interest to action movie audiences. So perhaps they were aiming for Russell Crowe fans so passionately devoted to the actor that they’d watch him do most anything, including singing (again). As this was never exactly my favorite part of the Bible, I didn’t start out super receptive to the message and certainly didn’t leave feeling edified or entertained in any way. See if desperate

Review – The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

My memory of Tolkein’s book (one of my favorites when I was a kid) was that the tale pretty much ended where this movie began. Oddly, that’s what happened in the movie, too. Smaug dies, and the rest of Middle Earth goes to fighting over the spoils. Bereft of significant plot developments, this chapter swiftly devolves into a relentless parade of noisy battle sequences. Like an amusement park ride, it’s a fun experience without being much of a story. Mildly amusing

Review – The Wind Rises

Beware Japanese directors as they prepare to retire. Jeez, talk about sentimental filmmaking! For his farewell production, Hayao Miyazaki tells the fictionalized tale of Jiro Horikoshi, the lead designer of the Zero fighter planes used extensively in the Second World War. If you love movies such as My Neighbor Totoro, Howl’s Moving Castle and Spirited Away, be warned that this production includes almost none of the whimsical fantasy elements that lend charm to a typical Miyazaki outing. But the animation is up to par, and the script is interesting and depressing in equal measure. Mildly amusing

Review – The Amazing Spider-man 2

After the first chapter of this Spider-man iteration, I was expecting something considerably better here. The villains leave a lot to be desired. Jamie Foxx makes a goofy, unfocused Electro, and the Green Goblin appears so late in the show that they might as well have saved him for the next sequel. But the real killer for me … and this is a major spoiler, so be warned … was the death of Gwen Stacy. I know she died in the original comics, but Emma Stone was a big part of why I picked this movie up to begin with. And though this is situational and subjective, I really wasn’t in the mood for a sad ending. Wrap this up differently, and it’s a fun action picture. As it stands, it’s a bummer. Mildly amusing

Review – Beauty Is Embarrassing

Artist Wayne White proves to be a sufficiently interesting subject for a documentary. Sure, he has a little of the whole “artistic temperament” thing going, but at least he isn’t as big an asshole as some other members of his profession. The story of his life also includes some interesting behind-the-scenes stuff from the early days of the Pee-Wee Herman phenomenon. Mildly amusing.

Review – Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Think about what serial dramas on television are like when it isn’t a sweeps period. You know the episodes I’m talking about: the ones that are light on actual plot developments and heavy on the set-up material that builds bridges between the audience-grabbing blockbuster moments from the last ratings-intensive spot on the schedule and the shocking new revelations to come in upcoming episodes during the next sweeps. This movie is like that. It has plenty of entertaining moments, but for the most part it seems to be laying the groundwork for a future release (presumably the next Avengers movie). Mildly amusing

Review – The Monkey’s Paw (2013)

If I had a wish-granting monkey paw, movies like this wouldn’t exist. Only maybe the evil magic of the monkey paw twisted my wish around in some horrible way, like brain-dead horror pictures disappearing forever because conservative fanatics take over the whole country and pass a law requiring that all movies be about Fake Jesus and star Bruce Willis. So then I had to use my second monkey paw wish to put everything back the way it was. Then I must have used my third wish to make myself forget that any of it ever happened. Then I made a tiny wish that I’d never seen this trite, incompetently-executed piece of crap to begin with. But alas, at that point I was out of monkey paw wishes. Wish I’d skipped it