Review – Red Water

Add this to the list of sentences I never thought I’d type: this movie needed way more crappy animated shark. As bad as the SyFy effects are, they’re still a birthday present compared to the characters and dialogue. The best moments of the movie are boosted from previous killer fish pictures (Jaws and Piranha in particular), and most of it isn’t even that good. Though he was never one of my favorite actors, Lou Diamond Philips has begun to make me sad. If a role like this is beneath his dignity, that should give you some idea of where the rest of the production lies on the quality scale. See if desperate

Review – Talhotblonde

Oh what a tangled web we weave. With all the deception on the Web – especially in the love-lorn corners of online chats – it was only a matter of time before something went this tragically wrong. A 40-something jerk pretending to be an 18-year-old Marine falls in e-love, but things get rocky when his “girlfriend” starts up with one of his co-workers. Things go radically downhill from there, and jerk ends up shooting the competition to death. From there the twists keep on twisting, and I won’t ruin what the filmmakers clearly regard as the show-stopping shocker. But if it isn’t giving too much away, I soundly reject the notion that anyone other than the man who pulled the trigger was ultimately responsible for the shooting. That’s going way out of your way to blame a woman for a man’s mental infirmity. And for what it’s worth, shootings performed at point blank range aren’t the act of a sniper, no matter what the killer imagines himself to be. See if desperate

Review – Deceptive Practice

This is one of the most uneven documentaries I’ve ever seen. I could watch Ricky Jay work slight-of-hand for hours, so the clips of his performances would have been more than enough for me. I was also willing to experience the discussions of the artists who influenced him. The interminable interviews with acquaintances – especially Mamet – not so much. Sadly, the elements are mixed together seemingly at random, with little concern for any kind of story flow. Thus a subject that should have been fascinating becomes frustrating instead. Mildly amusing

Review – The Great Gatsby (2013)

High school English class gets Luhrmann-ized. The result lies somewhere between the source novel and Moulin Rouge, a result likely to satisfy pretty much nobody. As I was lukewarm on Fitzgerald’s work to begin with, I didn’t take great offense at what Baz Luhrmann did with it. I suspect that Jazz Age purists will be substantially more put off by the hip hop and other non-period contrivances. Mildly amusing

Review – Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away

These shows must be quite impressive live. The video version is good as well, but the intended venue is clearly the theater rather than the living room. This appears to be a combination of different CdS shows woven together by a thin bracket plot. Though the story doesn’t amount to much, the fun of watching the acrobatics more than makes up for it. Mildly amusing

Review – Robin Hood (1973)

My friends and I went to see this the year it came out as part of a knights-in-armor theme party for my seventh birthday. The movie wasn’t exactly the high point of the occasion. Of course my mom was an expert at throwing birthday parties, so even a good picture would have paled by comparison. But this most definitely was not a good movie. It’s one of those cheap hack jobs from the days when Disney lost touch with the ability to buy decent scripts or invest in quality animation. Thus all the re-watching did for me was remind me that if you take one of the middle verses from the opening credits theme and play it at double speed you get the original Hampster Dance song. See if desperate